Shattered & Scarred

by A. J. Downey

  I showered long and thought hard, scrubbing every inch of myself. I sighed in contentment as the warm water beat down on my shoulders and scalp, washed and conditioned my hair and shaved my legs and underarms.

  When I was as clean as I was going to get I shut off the water and dried myself, wrapping my hair in the towel to pull on Ethan’s dress shirt. I’d washed it and it didn’t smell like him anymore, just clean laundry soap and dryer sheets.

  I pulled the towel off my hair, and rubbed it over the long strands before brushing it out. I opened the bathroom door. The guys were talking in low murmurs so I ghosted up the hall to my room and put everything away where it belonged.

  A soft tap came at the door’s edge and Ethan cleared his throat.

  “Guys are leaving.” He said. I nodded, followed him out and hugged everyone goodbye, thanking them all for their help and Andy especially for my picture.

  “Night Doll.” Reaver said and kissed me on the top of my head.

  “Ashton, listen… if you uh, ever want to remember what that’s like, call me.” Derek said, referencing our conversation in the bathroom. I sputtered…

  “I…” I blinked, speechless.

  “Yeah smooth move numb nuts.” Ethan said and slammed the door in Derek’s face but when he turned around he was smiling and I realized keenly that we were alone.

  “Tired?” he asked me.

  “A little.” I answered.

  “Want another?” he asked, moving over to the table he picked up one of the wine coolers.

  “Sure.” I said. Why not? He twisted off the top with a flick of his wrist and handed it to me.

  “Thanks.” I murmured.

  “Welcome.” He said and hung his head and laughed.

  “When did this get awkward?” he asked and I swallowed a mouthful of the sweet alcohol and shrugged.

  “Probably about the time I admitted how long it’s been since my husband wanted to have sex with me.” I nudged the carpet with one of my toes noting the white polish of the French manicure was chipped. Chadwick had me do it because the shoes he’d selected for the charity dinner we’d attended were open toed. Usually I did my own polish and he didn’t care but he’d wanted French tips and so I had done them that way.

  “Ashton, where did you go?” Ethan’s gentle voice popped me back to the present.

  “What?” I asked.

  “I said ‘yeah but we all know he’s an idiot’ and suddenly you just weren’t there.” He said. I frowned.

  “I was thinking about my nail polish.” I confessed, he was confused so I explained, he sighed.

  “We gotta get you some new memories, some good memories.” He said.

  “I have some.” I smiled.

  “Yeah name one.” He said and dropped onto the end of the couch. I went over and curled up on the cushion next to him and took a drink of my wine cooler. He took a drink of his beer.

  “When you kissed me.” I said finally and he looked at me, really looked at me.

  “I’m not sure I should have done that…” he said and I cringed inwardly and tried not to let it hurt. “… Damn I want to so much though. Think about it too much.” His eyes were fixed on where his thick fingers peeled the label from his bottle of beer.

  “Me too.” I said softly, but I wasn’t ready and we both knew that so I rose as gracefully as I could to my feet and with as much dignity as I could salvage from airing my painful, humiliating, ugly truths I murmured,

  “I’d better go to bed.” He caught my hand as I walked by and looked at me deliberately as he brought my palm to his mouth. He pressed a kiss to its center, his eyes drifting shut as he breathed in deeply and reluctantly let me go. I smiled, and let it show how much the gesture touched me before I trailed up the hall to my bedroom.

  I gently shut my bedroom door and sat down in the center of my air mattress and finished my drink. Leaving the empty bottle atop one of the boxes I lay down. A minute later I heard Ethan’s door shut. I sighed, got up and turned out my light and lay down again.

  Hours later I woke to the sound of panicked shouting. I jolted awake sitting up sharply in bed, every hair standing on end.

  “Move! Move! Get down!” I threw back the blankets and padded to my bedroom door and flung it open. I threw open Ethan’s door and found him twisted in his sheets. He was screaming and clutching at his right leg, up high on his thigh. I flipped on the light and bounded up onto the bed.

  “Ethan wake up!” I shouted, grabbing his face between my hands but he twisted and writhed.

  “Ethan! Ethan please wake up!” I shouted desperately. Still nothing I straddled his hips and gripped him by the shoulders and shook and screamed,

  “Trigger wake up!”

  Ethan’s eyes snapped open fear clouding his vision before they finally focused on me.

  “Ashton?” he asked and his voice sounded far away, lost… I stroked the side of his face which was slick with sweat. His chest heaved with great gasps for air.

  “It’s okay…” I soothed. He gripped my upper arms with both his hands firmly, not quite enough to hurt.

  “Shhhh, it’s okay…” I soothed and rested my forehead against his. I closed my eyes and waited for my heart rate to go back to normal.

  “What happened?” he asked.

  “I think you had a bad dream.” I murmured. His arms went around me and pulled me down onto his chest.

  “Did I scare you?” he asked after a moment.

  “Only because I didn’t know what was happening.” My voice was quiet, barely above a whisper.

  “I’m sorry.” He said only slightly out of breath now. I sat up and looked him in the eyes, searching his face to reassure myself he was back, that he was here…

  “If I don’t get to apologize then you don’t either.” I said and he pulled me back down, holding me against his body, one hand on my back the other tangled in my hair. I stayed like that and soaked in his warmth.

  “What was that?” I asked him.

  “Flashback,” he said, “I get ‘em sometimes.”

  “How come this is the first time I’ve seen one?” I asked.

  “I don’t know, I sleep better when you’re with me. I know that.” He answered.

  “Why didn’t you say so?” I asked.

  “I wanted you to have your own space.” He said finally.

  “Fine. Then give me the kitchen.” I murmured and he laughed. I sat up. I could feel what our position was doing to him, pressed along where my leg met my body. I let him see the seriousness in my eyes and the laughter died in his.

  “Ashton I…” I put my fingers over his lips and sat up straight. I climbed off his body to the floor and went and switched out the light, then resolutely climbed back up into the bed.

  “Are you okay?” I asked.

  “Yeah, I will be but…” I cut him off.

  “Good.” I said. Then, “Good night Ethan.” He chuckled and pulled me tight to the side of his body.

  “Night Sunshine.” He murmured.

  Chapter 11

  Trig…

  Ashton fell asleep before I did. I lay awake, sweat cooling on my body and stared at the ceiling for a long damn time. She had impressed the hell out of me. After all she’d been through to climb up on me when I was thrashing like that, to put herself in danger of getting hit, accidentally or not… that took balls.

  I closed my eyes and wished for some water but didn’t want to disturb her. Her soft even breathing puffed out against my chest and I couldn’t help but smooth the crisp cotton of my shirt over her svelte frame. She sighed out in her sleep and relaxed under the touch and I smiled.

  I’d taken her on not knowing what the hell I was doing, intending to fix her like some kind of fucking project or something and here she was fixing one of my hurts. Kind of incredible. I’d never been a religious man, but I did believe in God and I found myself wondering which one of us was the gift from Him. I closed my eyes and thought about my ex. She hadn’t been able to handle the night
terrors.

  I’d done everything I could to keep her safe. Meds, counselling… Took the VA up on everything they had to offer. Still, I’d caught her in bed with another club member and that I could not abide. My fault, sure… some of it, but whatever happened to stand by your man?

  I looked down at Ashton, her face lax and angelic from the parking lot lights down below my window. She’d stood by her man and look where it’d gotten her. Seven or eight years of hell that I was glad to get her out of. I trailed a fingertip down her cheek and she moaned softly in her sleep. My cock twitched at the sound and I closed my eyes and let out the breath I’d sucked in. I was painfully hard with nothing to be done for it.

  Fuck.

  I wanted Ashton like a dying man wanted the final kiss of death. We just needed to put more distance between ourselves and the ugly disaster that had been our meeting. She needed time to come down from that mountain of shit her husband had piled under her. She needed a fucking divorce, which was my final thought before I managed to go back to sleep.

  When I woke up it was to a brilliant pair of golden eyes framed by a luxurious mane of auburn hair. Ashton’s arm was across my chest, her chin resting on it.

  “Morning.” She said softly.

  “Morning.” I grunted. Silence ensued.

  “What’re you looking at?” I asked finally.

  “You,” she said. “I’m trying to decide if you’re really okay.”

  “I’m okay Babe.” I smoothed her hair back from her face and she nodded reluctantly.

  “I don’t want to get up.” She murmured.

  “Why not?” She closed her eyes, her slim shoulders rising and falling in a gusty sigh.

  “I want you to touch me.” She said finally, golden eyes flickering open, rooting me where I lay.

  “Ohhh-kay?” I said, not quite getting what she was asking of me.

  “It’s been a long time since anyone has touched me without meaning for it to hurt.” She whispered.

  “Yeah.” I said.

  “So I want you to touch me. Doesn’t have to be now, doesn’t have to lead to sex, I just… need you to touch me. Please?” she asked so sweetly, how the fuck was I supposed to say no?

  “I get you, I think.” I said and she looked relieved.

  “We have some unpacking to do, so how about this… we unpack, we go to work and when we get home tonight let’s put on that movie you were singing from with Squick last night.” I suggested.

  “And you’ll touch me?” she asked.

  “Babe you don’t have any idea how hard it is for me to keep my hands off of you do you?” I asked.

  “No.” she whispered.

  “Jesus.” I muttered and covered my face with my hands and scrubbed. Her weight on me diminished as she sat up and I pushed myself into a sitting position.

  “I don’t want to be the thing that finally breaks you.” I told her.

  “Sometimes it feels like you’re the only thing holding me together.” She murmured. “I know that’s not fair to you,” she went on, “and I want to get to a place where I don’t have to rely on you so much but…” she looked rough, conflicted.

  “Hold up. Maybe we’re making this more complicated than it needs to be.” I said. She looked up hopeful.

  “Let me ask you something… and I want you to think about this.” she nodded.

  “What do you need Ashton?” I asked her. She chewed her bottom lip and looked at me, her sun light eyes steady and sure.

  “I’m tired of hurting. I want to feel good. I need to feel like I’m something special. Like I’m worth something again.” She looked at me and her expression was haunted she didn’t speak the words but they were written all over her face. Without ever even parting her lips she said to me I need to feel loved…

  I leaned forward and she went so very still. I patted the tops of my thighs sharply and she came forward carefully. I didn’t let her eyes go with mine as she came to sit on my lap. I adjusted her so she was straddling my hips like she had the night before. I pulled her tightly against me, one arm behind her back the other tenderly cradling the back of her head.

  Her hair was like spun satin between my fingers as I brought her lips to mine. I could feel her heartbeat, a rapid fluttering thing trapped in the cage of her ribs. Her lips were warm and soft beneath my own and parted so sweetly in invitation. Her arms twined around my shoulders and neck, her fingers tugging my hair gently and I moaned into her mouth, plunging my tongue inside. A small sweet sound, not a whimper, not a moan, I don’t know what, crawled up her throat and spilled into my mouth and my cock jumped.

  She was hot where she pressed against it and I wanted inside her so damned bad it hurt but not yet. She needed to feel special, cherished, desired and I had every intention of delivering, slowly and sweetly.

  I broke the kiss after long minutes and held her against me.

  “Tonight, Les Miserables and I touch you.” I promised her.

  “Okay.” She whispered.

  “Only way this is gonna work is with full frontal honesty.” I told her.

  “What does that mean?” she asked.

  “It means, you have any misgivings, you need to be honest about them. You need to stop you have to tell me, you need to tell me how you’re feeling even if you don’t know. No doing anything you aren’t ready for just to please me. You gotta tell me where you’re at even if you think it’s something I don’t want to hear. You get me?” I asked.

  “I get you.” She whispered.

  “You got a room across the hall. You need time to yourself, you need your own space, then you go there. I don’t go in there unless invited, no one does. Ever. Deal?” I asked.

  “Deal.” She said.

  “Ashton I have no fucking idea what I’m doing here.” I told her honestly.

  “Me either.” She whispered.

  “As long as we’re on the same page.” I huffed out a sigh.

  “I think we are.” She said.

  “I hope we are.” I said and crushed her to me. Her head fit perfectly beneath my chin. She clung to me and I held her.

  This was way beyond me but life doesn’t come with an instruction manual. I was willing to see where the road took us and it seemed like Ashton was up for the ride so we would do this, whatever this was, and hopefully both of us would come out better, not worse for it.

  We stayed like that for a bit until I couldn’t stand it anymore. I gave her a gentle pat on the butt and she got down. I went to the bathroom, showered, shaved generally did my thing. She had breakfast and coffee started by the time I was out. As soon as we’d eaten it was her turn. She showered and dressed and spent some time unpacking her room.

  “Ethan?” she asked me at one point.

  “Yeah Sunshine?”

  “You and Reaver work out right?” she asked.

  “Three days a week, sometimes more, why?” I asked.

  “At the clubhouse?” she asked. What was she getting at?

  “No, usually at the ‘Y’.” I answered.

  “Do they have yoga classes there?” she asked.

  “I can find out for you.” I said.

  “I’d really like that.” She said and smiled.

  “Consider it done.” I plucked my cell out of my back pocket and called Reaver.

  “Dude what fuggin time is it?” he answered by way of greeting.

  “No clue. Ashton wants to know if they have yoga classes at the ‘Y’.”

  “Yeah man, what did you think those hot chicks in the spandex were going?” he asked.

  “Didn’t know, didn’t care, just enjoyed the view.” I answered.

  “Well now you know.” He yawned.

  “Cool, we going today?” I asked.

  “Yeah man let me get some breakfast.” He groaned.

  “Ashton feel like feeding Reaver?” I asked.

  “Sure.” She said gently and smiled and I loved that I put it there.

  “Come on over bro, Ashton’s got you covered.” I sai
d into the phone.

  “No carbs!” he yelled into the phone.

  “Meat and eggs only babe.” I told her. She frowned but nodded.

  “See you in a few bro.” I said into the phone.

  “Yeah.” He hung up.

  “Have I been doing something wrong?” she asked.

  “Not at all. We’re just trying to maintain.” I said.

  “Okay do you have a specific meal plan?” she asked.

  “Yeah.” I said.

  “Write it out for me?”

  “Yeah,” and I did.

  She looked it over and nodded slowly setting about the kitchen and I smiled. First time in a long time my home life had been harmonious. Felt good. We may still be in unchartered territory but we’d figure it out. One day at a time. Reaver showed up and it was like old times, he knocked twice then tried to open the door but it was locked. I heard a muffled curse as I went to throw the bolt and let him in.

  “What the fuck over?” he asked.

  “Ashton.” I said quietly.

  “Ah...” he looked into the kitchen and said “Hey Baby! How was your first night in the new place?” Her eyes met mine and she smiled.

  “Better than I expected.” She said, keeping my secret. I smiled. I suppose it was our secret that she would be sleeping in my bed, with me. Whose business was it anyways?

  “What made you decide to do yogurt?” Reaver asked. She laughed.

  “Yoga helps with the stiffness after a correction.” She said softly.

  “Babe.” I said and she looked up.

  “Yes?”

  “Don’t call it that, call it what it is if you’ve got to call it anything.” I said and raked a hand through my hair. She pursed her lips and nodded.

  “Yoga helps with the stiffness after my husband beats the crap out of me.” She said, her perfect lips twisting in distaste.

  “Thanks.” I said. Reaver looked like he wanted to cut a bitch. I was with him.

  She fixed him breakfast and when set the plate in front of him he pulled her down into his lap, I tensed.

  “What are you doing?” she asked.

  “Hugging you kid. You look seriously hug-deprived.” He said and grinned. She gave an incredulous laugh and smacked his forearm with one of her small hands. He let her up and ate with gusto. I smiled.