Shattered & Scarred

by A. J. Downey

  We were at the gym inside an hour, I bought Ashton a membership and admired her tight little ass in her tight black yoga pants and purple and lavender tank tops as she ghosted up the hallway with a few other women taking the class.

  “Heavy bag?” Reaver asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “Good I need to beat the shit out of something.” He said and his gaze was far away, locked on where Ashton had gone. I nodded. My sentiments exactly.

  He dropped his bag at a bench and sat down, I joined him and we began the tedious process of wrapping our hands.

  “You tell her about declaring her your Old Lady yet?” he asked.

  “No.” I said shortly.

  “Man you better explain it.” He said.

  “I know Bro, I just don’t want her feelin’ like she’s owned even if it is just on paper to appease club politics.” I said.

  “You mean to appease our cock-weasel VP.” Reaver’s eyes, bluer than mine by a mile, turned cold as a winter’s sky.

  “Yeah.” I punched a fist into a palm and repeated the process on the other side. I think all of us were getting tired of Dray’s shit. Reaver grinned at me and it was not a nice smile.

  “Let’s do it.” He said and bounded to his feet.

  We put in a heavy work out. We didn’t know how long we’d been at it, nor did either of us notice when Ashton had gotten out of yoga. My arms felt like lead and I’d turned around and there she was, sitting on the floor against the wall, golden eyes watching us curiously. I kicked myself and let my eyes sweep over her, assessing her mood and to see if what we were doing was distressing in any way.

  Her eyes met mine and she gave me this serene little smile and I blinked, surprised. Whatever she’d been doing for the last hour or however long seemed to help. She seemed more together, like she’d found some glue to bind her pieces together. I smiled and turned to Reaver. We were both sweat soaked and breathing hard. He nodded and I gave him a one sided grin.

  Yeah. We were done for today.

  “We’re gonna hit the showers.” I told her and she nodded and lithely rose to her feet. The movement more fluid and graceful than I thought her battered frame was capable of.

  Huge difference.

  She trailed us to the locker rooms and slipped into the women’s.

  “I gotta ask…” Reaver said and turned to me.

  “You got any thought to making her your Old Lady for real? ‘Cause if you don’t I’d sure like to try.” I thought about it for a second. Thought about her beautiful face tipped up to Reaver, to any other man, his hands on her trim waist, his lips descending onto hers and my blood ran cold.

  I could feel that creeping stillness fill me, the kind I’d cultivated behind the scope. That place I went right before I pulled the trigger seeping into my veins, flowing through my system until it reached my eyes which were trained hard on my brother in leather. He put up his hands.

  “I had to ask, no need to go all creepy psycho motherfucker on me.” He said.

  “Sorry man.” I said and the words felt like they had to fall a great distance before leaving my mouth.

  “No problem, it’s why I asked.” He said and slapped me on the back of the shoulder, disappearing into the locker room.

  I stared at the closed door of the women’s locker room and clawed my way back to the surface. I’d wanted to kill him for even suggesting putting his hands on her. What the fuck was wrong with me? Hell, I’d even shared women with him before. Now I was rooted to the spot by sheer force of will alone when what I really wanted to do was punch something. Okay, what I really wanted to do was go in, lift Ashton and press her against the wall, take her right then and there, claim her body for my own.

  I pushed into the men’s locker room instead, stripped in record time and plunged headlong into a cold shower. The heat of my lust for the woman sufficiently quelled, shocked out of my system by my shivering. I turned the water to a more comfortable temperature. Reaver eyed me sidelong.

  “You’re so fucked brother.” He said, laughing at my sour expression.

  “Don’t I know it?” I said.

  Damn didn’t I…

  Chapter 12

  Ashton…

  I showered for the second time that day and put my soiled gym clothes into the plastic grocery bag I’d brought what I’d intended to wear that day in. I felt so much better. More centered, more limber, just… better. Like a whole person, less like I was going to fly apart at any moment. It was at once soothing and invigorating.

  I brushed my hair and sighed into the mirror. I wished I could dry it.

  “Here, use mine.” I turned and smiled at a woman from my yoga class. She held out her hair dryer to me.

  “Are you sure?” I asked.

  “Yeah!” she smiled, her short chestnut pixie cut hair already dry and I murmured my thanks. She did tastefully understated make up in the next mirror while I dried my hair, wrapped in one of the large white towels.

  I shut off the dryer and handed it back once my hair was dry.

  “Thank you.” I murmured.

  “Hey you’re welcome,” she said cheerfully, “My name is Hayden.” She stuck out her hand. She seemed to be about five years younger than me, which pretty much meant we looked to be about the same age with my stature. She was a few inches taller than me and a bit thinner. I took her hand and shook it.

  “Ashton.” I murmured.

  “First time I’ve seen you around here but you look familiar…” she tipped her head to the side considering.

  “My picture was on the news.” I said. Her mouth opened in a little ‘o’ of surprise.

  “That’s it!” she exclaimed.

  I went over to the bench where my clothes were laid out and pulled on panties beneath the towel. I let it go and picked up my bra. I turned back around to face Hayden at her sharp intake of breath.

  “Your husband did that huh? I saw him on the news being arrested.” she said. A mixture of sadness and concern marring her pretty face. I felt my stomach drop out, he would be furious. Steel climbed my spine. Serves him right. I thought and I was surprised.

  “My husband did yeah… Ethan, the blonde man out there, he saved me.” I pulled the straps of my bra up onto my shoulders and slipped into the dress I’d selected.

  “Wow for real?” she asked. She was pulling on slacks and a blouse.

  “Yes.” I smiled and felt a swell of some deep and undefined emotion in my breast at the thought of him.

  “So who was the other guy?” she asked.

  “That’s Reaver.” I smiled.

  “Reaver? What kind of name is that?” she asked, her light green eyes curious.

  “They’re bikers, everyone calls Ethan Trigger or Trig, I just can’t think of him that way. It just doesn’t fit in my head. Reaver won’t tell me his real name.” I explained.

  “You were rescued by a biker?” she asked. I laughed.

  “Sounds like something out of a fairy tale.” I confessed.

  “Well both of them look like a cross between prince charming and the big bad wolf.” She admitted and I laughed.

  “They’re both very sweet.” I admitted, slipping on my sandals and buckling them.

  I smoothed down the dark blue with white polka dots material of my Havana Dress and twisted in front of the mirror. I was able to get the zipper up all on my own which I was pleased about. It was one of the dresses I’d salvaged from Chadwick’s and one of my favorites. I blinked in the mirror and realized that even though it was from my old life that it was something I likely would have chosen myself.

  “It was nice meeting you Hayden.” I murmured.

  “Likewise Ashton… here, if you ever want to talk or hang out sometime, this is my number.” She handed me a white business card. I smiled.

  “Thanks.” I said and belongings in hand we both went for the door.

  Hayden Michaels Interior Design the card read and had her phone number and email on it as well as a website. We slipped out the loc
ker room door where I slipped right into Ethan’s arms. He pulled me into his chest and kissed the top of my head.

  “You all right Sunshine?” he asked, “You were in there a long time.” He murmured against my hair. I cuddled into him and hugged him back.

  “Hayden let me use her hair dryer. We were talking.” I said and leaned way back to peer up at him.

  “Hi.” Hayden said from just behind me.

  Ethan and Reaver turned.

  “Helloooo…” Reaver said, drawing out the word. His eyebrows shot up into his hairline. Ethan rolled his eyes.

  “Hi.” Ethan said.

  “You must be Ethan, and that makes you Reaver.” She laughed and stuck out her hand. Reaver took it and bowed gallantly over it, pressing a kiss to the back of her knuckles.

  “Pleased to meet you Hayden.” He winked at her.

  “Oh wow, I need to look out for you!” she said and laughed. Ethan made no move to let me go. “Call me Ashton!” she said and smiled broadly before stepping lightly down the hall and disappearing around the corner.

  I nodded but my eyes were captured by Ethan’s, silver on gold, something swam in the depths of his gaze and he lowered his forehead to mine closing his eyes. I closed mine and simply enjoyed being in the circle of his arms.

  “Who was that?” Reaver asked, staring after Hayden a little awestruck. He turned back to us and said, “Woah, sorry. Take your time.” He backed out of the small alcove housing the locker room doors and gave us the illusion of privacy.

  “What’s the matter?” I asked softly.

  “Nothin’ babe. Just doing what you asked me to do.” He smiled at me a slow almost shy smile and I felt an answering smile grace my lips. He was touching me. Holding me against him sweetly, tenderly like I was something precious, not fragile, not broken. His big hands resting at the small of my back.

  “Thank you.” I whispered.

  “I think I need to take more moments out like this.” He voice was low and warm and evoked an answering heat low in my body. Butterflies unfurled their wings and took flight in my stomach.

  “I’d like that.” I said. He kissed me tenderly a quick press of lips and straightened sucking in a slow deep breath like a swimmer long under coming up for air.

  He led me out of the alcove and I smiled shyly at Reaver who winked at me. He fell into step beside us and we went out to the truck.

  “They arrested Chadwick, Hayden said she saw it on the news.” The men exchanged a look over my head, eyes glinting fiercely with grim satisfaction.

  “I need a divorce.” I stated dryly and their faces erupted into feral grins.

  “Courthouse it is Babe.” Ethan said and helped me into the truck. I was small so I sat center, sandwiched between both men.

  “Fuck yeah.” Reaver echoed getting in beside me. I smiled. Between these two the road ahead didn’t feel so scary anymore. Ethan’s fingers found the spaces between mine and I smiled. I felt stronger than I had in years and I didn’t think that my hour long session of yoga had much to do with it.

  It had helped, sure, but I think my realization that I was going to be okay had come watching Ethan lay into the punching bag a sweating Reaver had held for him. Ethan had let fly with a single minded fury that I had seen plenty of times before on Chadwick’s face but watching him lay into the bag of sand I realized quickly the difference between the two men.

  Where Chadwick was cruel his fists landing into me to inflict maximum pain and damage, Ethan was calculating in his rage. He let fly at that bag with blows, had they been placed on a body, would have done so much more physical damage yet when he turned to me his gaze was filled with such sadness and tenderness.

  I knew beyond any shadow of a doubt in that moment that Ethan Howard would never intentionally hurt me. He may get frustrated, he may get angry, he may yell and scream and punch a bag or wall but he would never, never, let that fist fly at me. Not consciously. My suspicions were cemented when I stepped out of the locker room into his warm embrace. He’d said I’d been taking a long time but no impatience, no anger tinged his voice. Only concern, I didn’t want to go as far as to say love but as he’d pressed his forehead to mine, soaking up the moment letting it be what it was, I know that there was something there.

  “What are you thinking about so hard over there?” Reaver asked. I smiled and he raised an eyebrow.

  “I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.” I murmured. Both men barked an incredulous laugh.

  “Did you just tell a joke?” Ethan asked, mystified. I smiled impishly and felt a ghost of my old self from before Chadwick settle on my surface.

  “Maybe.” I said softly.

  “Nice.” Reaver said, tone light and a little triumphant. Ethan raised the back of my hand, eyes fixed on the road and pressed a kiss to the back.

  “I think I’m going to love my new life.” I said, feeling lighter, freer than I had in an age. My pronouncement was met with twin masculine sounds of approval.

  We went to the courthouse and got all of the paperwork required for filing for divorce and information on how to go about things to where we could keep things quiet, as in my address, all of that. I could file, Chadwick would be served and then the long legal battle would begin because I knew in my heart of hearts that he wasn’t going to just sign the papers even if I didn’t want anything, which I didn’t. I just wanted to be free of him.

  We left the courthouse, my mood a lot less elevated than when we’d arrived.

  “Don’t worry about it. We’ll get there.” Ethan promised, squeezing my hand.

  “Wish we could just kill him.” Reaver commented dryly I looked over at him sharply but he and Trigger were exchanging a look that made the blood chill in my heart, the cold spreading through my veins until I physically shivered.

  I blinked, realizing that I had finally thought of Ethan as Trigger… It was the first time I’d ever seen it.

  “Have you?” I asked them.

  “Yeah.”

  “Yep.” They answered in unison. I paused and considered them.

  “They deserve it?” I asked.

  They exchanged looks.

  “Yes.” Reaver said.

  “No, not all of them.” Ethan said and I looked at him. His eyes were haunted.

  “Thank you for your honesty.” I murmured and I hugged him tight. I needed him to know that I knew… It changed something in me, sure, but only marginally. I still cared deeply for him, maybe even loved him and I was pretty sure he’d done something in the military besides… which wasn’t exactly in his control.

  He hugged me back but it was halfhearted at best. Today was turning into an emotional rollercoaster and I don’t think either of us were enjoying the ride.

  Ethan took us home, Reaver left us there.

  “I don’t understand, but I think I do.” I said when the awkward silence stretched too long between us.

  Ethan frowned at me.

  “That doesn’t make any sense.” He stated flatly.

  “Doesn’t it?” I asked. He thought about it, brow furrowed and finally his forehead eased with realization.

  “You’re a civilian, you can’t ever understand…” he said.

  “…but I do.” I murmured. He smiled and it was sad.

  “But you do.” He agreed.

  “We both know what regret tastes like.” I said softly.

  “Yeah,” he laughed and stated the obvious, “Tastes like shit.”

  “Yeah.” I smiled.

  “How’d you get to be so smart?” he asked.

  “Trial and error.” I said, “Mostly a lot of error.”

  “That makes two of us Sunshine.” He said and held out his hand. I took it and we left the apartment, locking the door behind us.

  “I can’t afford an attorney.” I sighed.

  “We’ll figure it out Babe, trust me.” He said.

  “I do.” I said and it was the truth.

  We rode in comfortable silence the short distance to the shop.
The sky was clouding over with thick dark clouds and I smiled.

  “I think it’s going to rain!” I said.

  “That has you excited?” he asked.

  “I love a good rain storm, even better if there is thunder and lightning!” he laughed and the darker mood of earlier lifted.

  “Why?” he asked.

  “I don’t know. Just something about the energy of stormy weather, I especially like it in the spring and summer when it’s warm and I can go out in it.” I smiled.

  “That’s nuts.” He said looking at me sideways.

  “Nuh uh!” I said and stuck out my lip in a pout heat flickered through his eyes.

  “Don’t do that Babe.” He warned and I froze.

  “I’m…” he put his hand out over my mouth.

  “Don’t apologize, you pout that lower lip out and it makes me want to come across this seat and find out what you got on under that pretty dress you’re wearing.” He took his hand away, my mouth hung open in shocked surprise.

  “You want me?” I squeaked.

  “Every way I can get you.” He said and pulled into a space in front of the shop. He got out of the truck and went in and I realized that I affected him that strongly. He didn’t trust himself to get my door…

  I got out and shut the truck door and trailed him inside as the first fat drops of rain started to fall. I stopped under the overhang over the shop door and breathed deep the smell of ozone and fresh, cleansing, falling rain. I turned and caught Ethan, Andy and a man I didn’t know staring at me through the shop’s front window. I smiled and stepped back, out into the rain and tilted my head back and laughed. Not caring if I looked like a certified lunatic. I heard the shop bell and the scrape of the door opening.

  “What are you doing!?” Andy shouted.

  I looked at the men and grinned.

  “Living!” I answered and Ethan laughed, deep and rich and full bodied the laughter left his broad chest in harmony with the falling rain. A clap of thunder and a flash of light made me shriek and I dove for the cover of the overhang.