No Ordinary Bloke

by Mary Whitney

  When Adam took us through the house’s portrait gallery, going on about all his ancestors in frilly collars and tosser tights, Allison was speechless.

  Nicki simply laughed about it all. “I feel like we’re at a museum when we’re here. It’s not how we live. Adam doesn’t buy half of it.”

  “Yeah, but you’re connected to it. Isn’t that cool?” Allison asked.

  “A little.” Nicki bounced V over her shoulder. “Adam doesn’t care that much so I don’t either. His only request is that we spend enough time in the UK so our kids don’t have American accents.”

  “I can understand that. American accents are ugly,” said Allison. She looked around the grand room. “So will Veronica inherit all this? Does she get a title?”

  I touched Veronica’s nose. “She’s my Lady Veronica with or without an official fucking title.”

  “All our kids inherit it, but only a male can be a viscount. It’s bullshit that way,” said Adam.

  “Yes, it’s bullshit,” I grumbled. I turned to Allison, “Didn’t the Americans rightly wage a revolution against all this?”

  “Yes.” Allison laughed. “But we’re still fascinated by it. Egalitarianism isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.”

  I gave Adam a pat on the back. “Do you still have that Nanny McPhee to watch Little V when you’re up here?”

  “Sure,” he said. “Why do you ask?”

  “I think we should ring her up and take Allison out to see how the other side lives around here. Let’s go to the pub.” I looked at Nicki, the real decisionmaker about such things. “What do you think, Nicki?”

  “I think it’s a great idea,” she answered. “Where do you want to go?”

  “How about The Kirkham?” I offered. “The people are nice there.”

  Nicki grinned. “The Kirkham is one of my favorite pubs even though I can’t understand a word anyone is saying.”

  Later that night while Little V played and cooed with Scotland’s super nanny, the four of us walked into The Kirkham. The place hadn’t filled up yet. Most people paid us no mind at all, a few looked at us curiously, but then there were our friends. The bar staff knew us well, and a pack of old-timers always sat near the bar. I always joked that it was centuries of genetic feudal conditioning, but they always chatted up Adam and gave him the utmost respect, some recalling his grandfather.

  When they did it this time, I rolled my eyes. “You’d think he was Prince fucking Charles.” I looked to Nicki. “He has much better taste in women than old Chuck though.”

  “Thanks,” she said with a laugh.

  After Adam held bloody court, we took over an empty stretch of bar, laughing and drinking as the pub became more crowded. At one point, Allison asked about the loo and Nicki offered to show her. Adam took the opportunity to get us some refills, and my job was to hold our spot.

  That was when the universe decided to act against me. While I sat alone, paying attention only to the football game on the telly, I heard a woman’s Scottish brogue say, “Well, hello, David.”

  I recognized the voice. There was a time I heard her speak to me like that in a pub, and I knew it was my lucky night. That was no longer true. Why? Why is she here tonight? I looked to my side and forced a smile. “Evening, Emily. How goes it?”

  She sashayed up to me in her too tight shirt and too tight skirt. Her strawberry blonde hair was as shiny as ever, but her makeup was severe.

  “I’m good. How are you?”

  “Good.” I looked around the bar and prayed there was still hope. “Where’s your husband?”

  “We split up a couple of months ago. Wasn’t meant to be. You want the breadknife back?”

  “Nah. Sell it if you like and spend the money on yourself.”

  With a few steps, she closed the space between us, making her uncomfortably close. “So I’m single again.”

  I shook my head. “Well, I’m not.”

  “You?” She leaned back in disbelief. “You’re married.”

  “No. I’ve got a girlfriend.”

  “Oh. One of those.”

  “And she’s here.” I made my voice as definitive as possible, hoping she’d get the hint.

  “I don’t see her.” Her eyes became wicked and she leaned in so close I could smell her beer breath. “Give us a kiss.”

  “No.” My voice was firm, and I held up my hand to stop her from coming closer.

  But it didn’t stop her. She touched the lapel of my jacket and said, “Oh, come on. Give us a kiss.” She raised her eyebrows. “I could give you a kiss…where I know you want it. We could go round back like we used to. No one will know.”

  “Fuck no.” I was disgusted.

  “Now, now. Maybe you could give me one…down there. You always say you love the taste of ginger.”

  “Excuse me.” Allison’s voice was curt and loud from two feet away. She must’ve heard everything because Nicki was at her side with a horrified expression.

  Holy Shit. I’d done nothing wrong, yet I felt like a fucking louse. With both hands, I pushed Emily away. “Emily. This is Allison Wright, my girlfriend who I told you about.”

  Emily sneered like she had indigestion as she gave Allison a disapproving onceover. “Pleasure to meet you.”

  I always appreciated an American’s lack of civility when being civil was really fucking stupid. Brits just faked their way through it, but Allison wasn’t a Brit. “You can leave now, okay?”

  “Aren’t you a rude American?” Emily said straightening her spine. She turned to me. “See you around when you’re done with her.”

  As she walked away, Nicki looked at Allison and me with a furtive expression. “I’m going to go find Adam. Be right back.”

  She wasn’t a foot away before Allison lashed out. “What the fuck was that?”

  “Allison, you know I didn’t do anything and wouldn’t do anything. Emily and I messed around a couple of times years ago. She’s just got a divorce and is drunk as hell. I told her no, and she wouldn’t leave.”

  Turning her back on me, she hunched her shoulders so I couldn’t see her reaction. I touched her arm. “Please, Allison. I didn’t invite her over, I didn’t want to talk to her, and I certainly couldn’t control what she said.”

  She took a deep breath and faced me again. “I know, but that doesn’t mean I have to be okay with it. How would you feel if I had guys doing this to me all the time? Or if people called you Trey or assumed you were going to be dumped at any minute? It’s humiliating.”

  “I can imagine. I’d fucking hate it. You’ve done nothing wrong, but you have to live with my sins.” I reached for her hand. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am.”

  “I know.” She sighed. “I know. It’s just hard.”

  “I’m so sorry, love.” Leaning down to meet her downcast eyes, I said, “You’re my girl.”

  “I know.” She smiled, but soon it turned into a frown. “But I do not like having this image of you two together that she talked about or thinking about what you…might’ve said to her.”

  “I understand. If a guy said something similar to you and I heard it, I’d want to rip his head off. Both of them.”

  That made her laugh. “What she said…I think I’m just going to have to refrain from that for a while.”

  “Wait a second,” I said, pulling her in close to me. “Let’s not go that far. That sounds like a bloody bad idea to me.”

  “I think I can survive.”

  “I don’t know if I can.” I grinned. “Maybe I need to tell you why.” With a tight hold on her, I leaned down and began whispering in her ear such an obscene explanation of what I liked doing to her that even I might blush if I said it too loudly.

  She laughed at first, but soon began to wriggle and then squirm. After a couple of minutes, she giggled and said, “No more. I can’t handle it here.”

  “Then I’ll save it for later.”

  Turning to face me, she put her arms around my neck and said what had grown to be our most
sincere term of affection. “I’m still falling in love with you.”

  Why hadn’t we said “I love you” yet, I didn’t know. For me, it somehow it seemed less descriptive. I grazed her cheek with my hand. “And I’m still falling in love with you.”

  Pretending to check her watch, she said, “How much longer do we have?”

  Just then Adam and Nicki walked up, carrying four fresh pints. They must’ve been lurking waiting to see what was going to happen between us. They seemed happy that everything had blown over.

  If only we had left, instead of having that round and then the next one. Life would’ve been so much easier. Instead we stayed, and that was when I made a seemingly inconsequential choice that ended up with cruel consequences.

  As we sat drinking, the bar became livelier and more crowded. We all got jostled as people moved about. While sitting on a stool and listening to Allison retell a funny story to Adam and Nicki, I took a sharp jab on elbow to my side. I looked up to see a burly guy’s back, and I ignored him. He was built like a brick shithouse, but with a layer of fat. He probably didn’t even realize he’d hit me.

  When he bumped me again without saying excuse me, I started to pay attention to the guy. He was my age and seemed to be at the pub with another burly friend and a pretty woman who looked like she hadn’t had the easiest of lives. A little haggard either from a long day at work or life in general, her face was made up in a way that didn’t match her sullen expression. When his mate was with them, he was loud and talked football, particularly Inverness Caley Thistle. If Angus had been with us, he’d have demanded to move away from the bloke, just because they might get in a fight.

  I didn’t care much about Scottish football so I tuned it out, even though the man had no sense of his personal space and kept bumping me. After his mate walked away and he talked only to the woman, the man’s voice changed, and I began to listen. When I heard him say, “Listen, you little bitch…” he whacked me in the arm simultaneously. I turned to him and said loudly, “Watch it, mate.”

  “What?” he said, whipping around to look at me.

  “Could you move over just a bit? You keep bumping into me.”

  “No, I can’t move. This place is packed.” With a shaved head, fat face, and bad skin, the man looked like the ugliest knob ever. He sneered at me, and before returning to his conversation with her, he said, “Get over it.”

  As his back was once again in my face, my tongue went to the side of my cheek. What to do? When I was very young, I would’ve stood up to pretend to move and then slugged the guy. Until Allison and I started dating, I would’ve stood up and had a few words with him before deciding whether or not to deck him. Now, with Allison and all my promises to her, I had to sit there and take it. Still, I gave him a dirty look and muttered, “A real prince. That’s what you are.”

  He snapped his head and looked me in the eye before turning back to her. For the next few minutes, I ignored him as Adam told old stories about me to Allison. I’d chime in occasionally, but I paid less attention when I heard the arsehole next to me start berating the woman.

  “I saw you look at that man over there. You want to leave me and fuck him.”

  She denied it up, down, and sideways, but arsehole wouldn’t stop. “You realize no other man will ever want to be with you. Your looks are gone, and you can’t cook for shit.”

  “Don’t say that, Craig. You don’t mean it. That’s just the liquor talking.”

  I shifted my seat, pulling at my jacket. What a bastard. I glanced at the woman again. He was wrong. Her looks weren’t gone. She just looked tired. I was more surprised that a woman like her was with an arse like him, and why was she bloody apologizing for him?

  Out of the corner of my eye, I watched as he yanked on her arm. “Slag, don’t talk about my drinking. You should’ve learned by now.”

  “I’m sorry,” she said with a whimper. “I didn’t mean to.”

  He dug his fingers into her bare arm. “Let’s get out of here. I want to put that mouth of yours to use for the only thing it’s good for.”

  “No. Please no. Not tonight,” she said.

  There was such a painful cry in her plea that I turned to my friends to see their reactions. Sadly, they didn’t notice anything. The place was so loud they were leaning in to one another just to hear themselves.

  “Yes, tonight,” the arsehole said, digging in his arms again.

  “No. Not if it’s like last time. Please no,” she said.

  That was it. I despised a bully, especially with women. I stood up and took a step to them. “I believe the lady said no.”

  His eyes flared at me. “What the fuck?” He dropped her arm and stood up straighter so he could look me in the eye. Pound for pound he was bulkier than me, but I was taller. You’d say we were evenly matched. Pointing his finger at me, he said, “Mind your own fucking business.”

  “Treat your woman with some respect and everyone will,” I said and sat back down again.

  I heard the woman say, “Craig, it’s time to go. Can we please leave?”

  As I turned to see his reaction, I saw her rise from her seat only for him to jerk her arm so hard that she cried out in pain. “Stay where you fucking are and shut up,” he said, as she cowered and rubbed her arm.

  “Not here,” she whispered frantically. “Please not here.”

  “I’ll do whatever the fuck I want, you cow.”

  I turned to my friends who were now watching me watch the couple. Adam and Nicki’s brows were furrowed, clearly concerned, but uncertain about the best course of action. Allison’s eyes were wide and warning me not to do what she correctly thought was exactly on my mind. I wanted to be the man she wanted me to be, but it was hard to ignore someone in pain, especially if that pain was caused by a brute no one ever stood up to.

  I was just about to say to Allison, “Let’s go” when I saw the arsehole and the women speaking in hushed tones to each other. Eventually, she begged more loudly, “Please…

  Maybe she’d said that word so pathetically one too many times for Craig, the bully, but something caused him to snap this time. I watched as he grabbed the woman’s dirty, blonde hair and jerked her head back. “We’re not leaving,” he growled. “Stop being a nagging bitch for once.”

  When he jerked her head another time for his own sick pleasure, I snapped. If that was happening in a public place, I knew he was beating her at home. All thoughts of staying out of trouble and pleasing Allison were gone. Instead, that angry little boy in me came alive again, and I was out for retribution. I jumped up and grabbed Craig’s arm. “Leave the lady alone, you arsehole.”

  He looked down at my hand on his left arm, and he at once let go of her hair. “Piss off yer fucker. What do you think you’re doing?”

  “Just trying to stop you from doing something you’re later going to regret.”

  “Oh yeah?” Taking a step closer to me, his right arm lifted to wind up for a punch, and he yelled, “Fuck you!”

  As his hand came forward to land a punch right in the middle of my face, I blocked it and got in a left jab. Then all hell broke loose because neither one of us was going to back down. We were too evenly matched. If I hit a punk like Seamus, he’d normally skulk away. The few times I’d been in a fight with someone stronger than me, I pulled my punches after only a few shots just to end the fight. I didn’t want to die for fuck’s sake.

  But this bastard was drunk and out for blood, and there was no way I was going to let a bully like him beat me. Our fists flew, and when he landed a punch on me, it did hurt, but I was too focused on causing him pain to think about it. The pub started going nuts with screams and cheers, and from a distance, I kept hearing Adam and Allison yelling at me to stop. I couldn’t stop, though. I was on autopilot to make sure this guy never beat up a girl again.

  The guy was bigger than me, which worked to my disadvantage because he could pin me down and his punches had more force behind them. I was in better shape and bigger overall
, so I could out maneuver the guy, and in the end, I lasted longer and drew the first blood.

  As blood spewed from his nose and mouth, he stopped and touched his face. When he saw the blood, he screamed, “I’m gonna’ fucking kill you!”

  Just then the barman stepped in between us. “Get the fuck out of here. Piss off the lot of you.”

  Taking a step back, I looked to the woman who was now crying hysterically. She saw me and yelled, “Why? Why did you do this? It was none of your business.”

  I blinked repeatedly, thinking I was having a flashback to the crap me own mum would say to someone who interfered between her and dad. When I turned back around, Adam was now also in the middle, talking with the bartender. He stopped for a moment and leaned over to me. Without any trace of emotion, he said, “I’ll take care of this. Please take Allison and Nicki home. I’ll be back later after I sort things out, and we can talk in the morning.”

  “Okay,” I mumbled. I felt terrible because I’d made trouble for Adam. The gossip would be that a hooligan distant relation of the Viscount Kincaid caused a fight and someone ended up in hospital.

  With dread, I turned to Allison, who looked stunned. She stood next to Nicki, and neither was talking. When she saw me, Nicki immediately went to Adam’s side, no doubt wanting to give Allison and me some privacy. Adam was busy though. He was speaking to Craig, probably making sure he wasn’t going to press charges.

  “I’m sorry, Allison,” I said, as I approached her, but she didn’t say anything, and the more I talked any remaining expression she had on her face vanished. I tried coaxing her out of her silence with apologies, humor, and affection. Nothing worked. When her silence continued all the way back home, I knew things between us had shifted, maybe permanently.

  When we got back to Lathan, Nicki went off to relieve the nanny, and Allison and I were left alone at the stairwell. I touched her elbow. “Let’s go upstairs.”