No Ordinary Bloke

by Mary Whitney

  She nodded, still with the vacant stare. I figured she’d talk to me when she was ready, so I gave her space that night. I let her be quiet and in her own thoughts as we got ready for bed, and when we got under the covers, I spooned her, but I didn’t force anything more than that. I lay there regretting the entire night. We could’ve had a quiet night at home. There wouldn’t have been Emily, there wouldn’t have been a fight, and I would wake up tomorrow morning with a happy, wonderful girlfriend whom I loved with all my heart.

  As I started to fade into sleep, I heard strange noises. It only took me a few seconds to place them. Allison was crying. With my heart breaking for her and me, I leaned over her shoulder and touched the curls by her face. “What’s wrong, love?”

  She shook her head without answering, so I tried again. “Please, talk to me. I can’t tell you how sorry I am if you won’t talk to me.”

  A ragged voice I’d never heard from her before squeaked, “Not now. Not now.”

  When I woke the next morning, I had a splitting headache, but that wasn’t as bad as finding an empty bed. I moved my hand over where she’d been, and the sheets were cold. I told myself that it wasn’t a bad thing. Maybe it was a good sign. Maybe she’d gone downstairs and was talking to Nicki and Adam. Whatever the case, I needed to clear my head before I faced anyone, so I took a shower and dressed.

  It was only when I sat on the bed to put on my socks and shoes that I noticed a very bad sign. Her suitcase was gone. I went into the bathroom, and her toiletries were absent as well. I was just about to run downstairs barefoot, when the noisy crack of the ancient door broke the room’s silence.

  I looked up to see her dressed and made up, as if she were going somewhere. She definitely didn’t look like she was about to have a lazy holiday weekend breakfast. “Hi,” I said. “I was wondering where you were.”

  “Hi,” she said softly. “I needed to make a couple of calls.” She smoothed down her trousers and took a breath. “I’m leaving. Gerald is waiting to take me to the airport.”

  “No!” Panic struck me, and I went to her immediately. Putting my hands on her shoulders, I said, “Please no. Don’t leave. I’m so sorry. That was a terrible night for you. I should’ve never have put you in that situation.”

  “That’s the thing, David. You didn’t put me in a terrible situation. It was just a night at a pub. You were just you. I’ve been hoping that all of this would change, but it hasn’t, and it won’t.”

  I reached for her hand to lead her over the bed, but she snatched it back. “No. Don’t make it any harder.” She grimaced and closed her eyes. “This is already the hardest thing I’ve had to do since I went back to school after my dad died.” She let out a dark chuckle. “This makes Trey cheating on me seem like something easy to get over.”

  “What? What are you talking about?” Why was I asking such dumb questions when all the signs pointed to one conclusion. I was getting dumped.

  “I want to break up.” She shook her head and held up her hand. “No. That’s not right. I don’t want to break up. I need to break up.”

  “Allison, for fuck’s sake, no. Don’t do this.”

  “I have to.” Her lower lip began to quiver. “Nothing is going to change. You frighten me with your violence, even if it’s not directed at me. It’s about the future. What if one day it is directed at me?”

  That made me mad. I thought we’d gone over this a hundred times before. “Just because I hit a couple of dumb wankers once in a while doesn’t mean I will ever hurt you. I fucking worship you. You know that.”

  “Listen, I admit I’m kind of crazy. I’ll always be that way because I can’t change what happened to me, but I’ve worked at keeping my crazy contained. I’ve been through years of therapy. I’ve worked through it. You’re crazy too, but you haven’t done the work to keep it in check. In fact, you refuse to even consider therapy. My dad was a sweet man with a violent temper, and one day he snapped. I think you need to deal with your shit, so you don’t snap either.”

  That struck a nerve and I said something I shouldn’t have. “What’s the bad joke? In my neighborhood growing up, no one committed suicide. They were too unhappy.”

  She closed her eyes. “That is a really inappropriate joke. Don’t you think?”

  “It is. I’m sorry. It just has an element of truth, and that’s that where I come from: you suck it up and move on. All things considered, I think I’ve handled my problems just fine.”

  “Absolutely, you’re a fully functioning, successful, sweet, and kind man, who occasionally gets so enraged that he has to beat someone up over nothing.”

  “Last night was not nothing.”

  “It was none of your business.”

  “You would have me sit by and let that happen. He was hurting her.”

  “You could’ve gone to the bartender and called the cops.”

  I whipped around and went to the window. I didn’t like hearing the perfectly reasonable and appropriate way to have dealt with that arsehole. I stared out onto the estate lands and reiterated once again, “I adore you. How could you ever think I’d lay a hand on you to do anything else but love and take care of you? Really. How could you think that of me?”

  “It’s not that I think you would hurt me. It’s that I think you could hurt me. That alone scares the shit out of me.” The quivering lip returned and she choked up as she said, “And we never have talked about a future together, but what if we did marry? What if we had kids? Would they definitely be safe? What if you snapped?”

  My throat felt like it was closing in. I couldn’t even look at her. My eyes remained on the window as I said, “I will never hurt a child. Ever.”

  “Again, it’s not that I think you would do it. But what if you did it unintentionally?”

  Turning around, I went back to her and took her hand. “Don’t leave me. For Christ sake don’t leave me. Jesus. I should be dumped for doing something wrong like that arsehole Trey. Not for something I could do, but you know I wouldn’t. I could also cheat on you, but I never would. I’ve only treated you well, and all I really want in life is to continue to do so.”

  She took a step back. “That’s the other problem. If it was just the violence it would be one thing, but it’s the women—all the women. They will always be there, and how do I know you’ll say no?”

  “If I could change my life so that I was with a few less women, I would, but I can’t. They’re all in my past. Far, far in the past. I am not a cheater like Trey.”

  “They’re not really in the past though because we keep bumping in to them. I hate it.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  She nodded in silence, and then she leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. “I know and I accept your apology, but this has to end, no matter how much I hate that it is.”

  “It does not have to fucking end.”

  “Yes, it does, even though I love you…so very much. I should just be another one of your ex-girlfriends.” Her voice cracked at the end, and the tears began to spill down her cheeks.

  “No!” I yelled, though it was stupid to do so. My world was collapsing around me, and I could yell all I wanted, but it made no difference.

  “Yes, David.” She looked at her hands, as she blubbered. “If I ever get married, please don’t give me any wedding gifts though. I couldn’t handle getting a breadknife from you.”

  Allison was disappearing from my life again, but this time it truly felt like she was taking my soul with her. Because this time, I was sure I’d never get it back. She wasn’t coming back to me. I muttered, “I’d never get you a wedding gift from Tiffany’s.”

  “Why not?” she said through a teary chuckle.

  “Because I’d have to buy the whole fucking store.”

  Her mouth dropped open and then it shut again. I’d left her speechless, and I certainly didn’t have anything else to say. After a moment, she lifted her eyes to me and gently kissed my cheek. “I will always love you.”

  “All
ison, I—”

  She shook her head. “No more,” she said and left the room.

  Stunned by her rejection, I couldn’t move for a few minutes, as I pondered what to do next. Run after her through the house? I loved her, but I didn’t want Adam and Nicki to witness me begging her desperately to come back to me. Allison wouldn’t appreciate it either. Moreover, I knew my Allison. When she set her mind to something, it took a while to convince her otherwise. I wasn’t going to be able to pull it off in the bloody Latham kitchen with Gerald waiting to do as he was told and take her away.

  It was too late anyway. I heard a car start outside the window, and I rushed to peek. Down below, I watched as Gerald closed the passenger door and then walked to the driver’s side. Instinct told me to yell and run to stop them, but reason said no. That wasn’t going to win her back. That only worked in the fucking movies. Real life was unpredictable and unfair. You didn’t always get the girl in the end, especially if you acted like an idiot chasing after a car. Who wanted to be with that sodding fool?

  As I watched the old Land Rover speed down the drive, reason began to leave me as emotion took over entirely. I’d been dumped by the only woman I’d ever truly loved. I wasn’t an angst-ridden seventeen and feeling these things with little context for their meaning. I was thirty-seven. I’d been around. I knew how special she was—how special she was to me. Allison wasn’t replaceable. Sure, warm bodies could fill in for different aspects of her. I could share a bed, a dinner, or a day in the park with other women, but no experience would be the same without her.

  Overwrought by the enormity of what had just happened, I sank into the old arm chair by the window. I pinched my brow and squinted to get a hold of myself. I tried to hold back the tears which demanded to be released, but that just made the nausea in my stomach churn. When I focused on not puking, a few tears found their way down my cheeks. I was a mess.

  Minutes later, a soft knock rattled the door. “It’s Adam. Can I come in?”

  “Give me a minute.” My words were garbled, as I tried to hide my tears.

  Adam must’ve known I was in no shape for conversation because he was quick to answer. “Don’t rush, because Nicki and I are leaving for a few hours. Mum asked us to pay a visit to my dad’s old friend, Lester. He’s in a home now. We need to go this morning, so you’ve got the place to yourself.”

  “Thanks.” Another wave of nausea hit me as I realized that most likely he and Nicki had originally planned to be gone for the day so that Allison and I could have some time to enjoy Lathan alone. Now they would be gone so I could be a morose bastard by myself.

  Either way it was considerate and kind. I remembered that I needed to thank Adam for his kindness from the night before. I raised my voice a bit to say. “Thank you for last night. I hope everything is sorted out.”

  “Everything is fine. Don’t worry about it. Lord knows you two weren’t the first people to ever get in a fight at The Kirkham.”

  “Thanks, mate.”

  “No worries. We need to leave now. Get some fresh air, all right?”

  “Yeah, I will,” I said, though I had no intention at that moment of doing anything. “See you later.”

  Five minutes later, I heard another car start. Peering over the back of the chair, I watched as the estate’s newer model Land Rover drove down the road. I turned back around and realized I was entirely alone. Alone and miserable.

  My stomach churned some more, and I knew I needed food or I really would vomit. Even though I was the only person in the damn place, I was hesitant as I walked down the stairs. An enclosed room felt much safer. I poked around the kitchen, hoping to find something for breakfast, but nothing seemed appealing. Toast with coffee was all I could force down. As I sat by the kitchen window and looked out on the grounds, I realized that the place was fine right now while I was alone, but I really didn’t want to be there with other people. Gerald would be coming home soon enough, and I didn’t want to see him. He’d never ask a question about why he had to take Allison away, but I didn’t want any bloody questions or comments about her. I then imagined pained looks from Nicki as she fretted over what happened. Enduring that seemed impossible as well.

  No, if I was going to be alone and miserable, I needed to be in my own home. I’d catch up with Adam later—I didn’t have it in me to talk to him that day. I closed my eyes imagining the pain of retelling what had just happened to me. No, I couldn’t go there.

  Maybe in a few months I could talk about it, but not now. I looked about the kitchen, still messy from Little V’s food disasters at every meal. At least I’d tidy up the kitchen for them before I fled.

  The last time I’d been rejected by Allison I was able to still a life that resembled the one I had enjoyed before her. True, I’d sworn off sex then, but I still carried on a social life with my family and mates. Not this time. I became a bloody hermit. It was only when Adam twisted my arm that I’d go watch football with him or grab a pint. He only brought up Allison once, asking how she was doing. It was his roundabout way of finding out what happened between us.

  Just hearing someone else utter her name dug at my heart. I gave him the most direct answer, hoping that would be the end of it. “We split up.”

  Adam’s expression became grave. It wasn’t like I’d ever said too much about my feelings for her, but he knew how much she meant to me. Jesus Christ, how could he not? He knew me better than I knew myself. He’d never seen me want to be with only one woman, so he understood what my intentions were for her. After a moment, he asked, “Have you talked to her recently?”

  “No,” I said it so decidedly that he never asked again.

  As the months passed, occasionally there would be a lull in a conversation, and I always wondered if he was debating whether or not to bring her up. It wasn’t that women were a bloody taboo subject. We’d still talk about the birds in the bar, but it wasn’t the same. After Allison, nothing was ever going to be the same.

  Only a woman could ever be completely sure she knew what was best for someone else. While Adam tiptoed lightly around my pathetic life, the women in my world decided to stick their noses where they were neither bloody welcome nor belonged.

  Elinor was the first to step in, albeit very tentatively and not very far. I was her boss after all, with a considerable age difference hanging between us. It really wasn’t proper for her to be too nosey about her younger boss’s love life. Sure, in the past she’d made little comments here and there, but she would never pry. That wasn’t Elinor’s style.

  The problem was that I’d changed so much since Allison dumped me that it impacted Elinor’s job. She was under orders to decline every invitation unless it was required by my bosses. I figured I could close a deal in a boardroom; it didn’t have to hinge on dinner or drinks. Saying “no” all the time was difficult for her, so occasionally, she’d pop in to my office to ask for a specific reason I was turning down an invitation.

  One day, I heard a knock on my closed door. “Come in,” I said, not looking up from the hedge fund prospectus I was immersed in.

  “Excuse me,” she said, walking in and closing the door behind her. “I’m sorry to interrupt.”

  “It’s all right,” I said as I put down my reading. “What do you need?”

  “I just received a call from Mr. Singh’s assistant,” she said as she held a small cream colored envelope.

  “What does Hardeep need? You know I’ll help out however I can.” Hardeep Singh was in his fifties, and we’d worked together in various capacities over the years. After a career of small time corporate toil, he’d now struck it big. He was CEO of a small tech company that was on the brink of turning into a rather large tech company. We got on well and often joked that we’d made one another a lot of money. He was a great bloke.

  “It’s just that you received an invitation to his daughter’s wedding.”

  “Yes.” I looked down again at my reading to avoid her eyes. “You know what do with something like that.”


  “I know, and I was going to decline for you, but today his assistant called to make sure you received the invitation.”

  “And you said yes, but that I was declining so now we can all move on, right?”

  “Well, I did say we had, but when I said that you most likely couldn’t make it, she said Mr. Singh would be very disappointed.” She smoothed the paper of what had to be the bloody wedding invitation. “Normally I wouldn’t think twice about what she said, but I do think it was rather significant he invited you. The assistant said it wasn’t a typical huge, Indian wedding. It’s quite small because the family only invited their closest friends.”

  “I can’t go to a wedding.” The words came out panicked, and as they hung in air, I comprehended just how crazy I sounded. Why the fuck couldn’t I go to a wedding? Especially that of a close colleague’s daughter, when it was an honor to be invited.

  Elinor’s expression softened. After a few moments of silence, she said, “Why not? What’s wrong with a wedding?”

  I looked over her shoulder at the door, wishing so badly that it was open so I could pretend not to hear her. I couldn’t think of an answer for her that wasn’t the truth. On the tip of my tongue, the honest answer was waiting to come out. “I can’t bear to be around happy people in love because the love of my life just dumped me.” Avoiding her eyes, I opened a desk drawer and pretended to look for a pen. “I don’t usually go to weddings.”

  “True, but this is Mr. Singh.”

  “I’m busy.”

  “Actually, your calendar is clear. What do you want me to tell them?”

  “That I have a meeting in Santiago, Chile that I can’t miss.”

  “All right.” Her voice was measured, though I knew she hated such a bullshit lie.

  “Is that all?” I asked in too curt of a tone.

  Again she was quiet. Because Elinor was much cleverer than me, she then asked a question that would tell her exactly what was going on with me. “Pardon me, but has my performance been lacking recently? I find you’ve been speaking to me differently lately. You still treat me very well, but you’re a bit sharp.”