Longing For Home

by Christine Lynxwiler

  Her eyes fell on the words at the end of verse eleven. For I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. Brandi grimaced. She knew the apostle Paul didn’t mean “state” as in United States of America, but ever since she’d moved in with her parents when she was seventeen, she hadn’t been able to read this verse without guilt. She hadn’t been content in Arkansas by any stretch of the imagination. It was more bearable this time, so maybe she was learning. She remembered the scene with Valerie and Jake. Or maybe not.

  She closed her eyes and let her face fall down on the Bible.

  Lord, I need Your strength today. I’m confused. Help me deal with Val in the right way. And Michael and Melissa, too. And even Jake. If he comes back. Thank You for never letting me down. And thank You for Your Son. In His name I pray. Amen.

  Two more verses and then she had to get a shower and dress. After she read verse twelve and started thirteen, she stopped. Of course. Philippians 4:13. Her favorite verse. She’d been so brain-dead from no sleep that she hadn’t even realized it was next. I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

  Amen.

  She laid her Bible on the nightstand and headed to the shower, considerably more lighthearted. After she dressed, she tiptoed downstairs to Gram’s room and tapped on the door. Following her time with God, Brandi felt better than she had since her car washed off the bridge; but the fact remained that she’d been here a little over a week and she was already messing up her sister’s life and chasing away guests. It was time to seek Gram’s wise advice.

  “Come in.”

  Brandi eased the door open. Her grandmother lay on the bed, knees bent, with an ice pack on her back.

  “Hi, Gram. How’s it going?” Brandi crossed the room and hugged her gently.

  “I’m better. But I’m aggravated that I can’t be more help.”

  “Just knowing you’re here helps me. Can I talk to you for a few minutes?”

  Gram patted the bed. “Sit down and tell me what’s on your mind.”

  Brandi perched beside her and poured out her heart to the older woman. When she finished, she waited for Gram’s advice.

  “Honey, we need to pray.”

  Brandi didn’t tell her she’d already done that because Gram’s prayers always made Brandi think of crawling up into the Father’s lap and telling Him her problems. She bowed her head as Gram brought their concerns to God. Even though she felt tears damp on her cheeks, peace seeped into her soul.

  “Jake will be back,” Gram said softly. “He’s not one to run away when the going gets tough. Quite the opposite.”

  “Well, it doesn’t matter that much. I just hate to lose a permanent guest for the B&B.”

  Gram didn’t reply, but her piercing gaze made Brandi’s face grow hot.

  “Really, my main worry is Valerie.”

  “Valerie’s going to come through this fine with time and prayers. I’m sure you remember it’s not easy being a teenager.” Gram patted her hand.

  Brandi nodded. That was an understatement.

  ❧

  “Jake, are you sure you don’t want another piece of apple pie?” Megan McFadden asked. She sounded nonchalant, but Jake didn’t miss the concerned look that passed between his sister-in-law and brother.

  Jake shook his head. “No, thanks. It was delicious, though.” Megan apparently thought whatever ailed him could be cured by filling his stomach. She’d been offering him food ever since he showed up unannounced on their doorstep this morning. He’d eaten a big breakfast with them before going to church and had just inhaled a man-sized lunch.

  “You look as if you could use a nap,” his brother Holt offered. “Why don’t you try out my hammock while I help Megan with the dishes?”

  “Now that sounds like an offer I can’t refuse. I didn’t get much sleep last night.”

  “Did you have a bad dream, Uncle Jake?” asked Sarah, his eight-year-old niece. She handed him a drawing she’d been working on since lunch.

  “Not really. Just a lot of interruptions.” He thought about the fiery anger in Brandi’s eyes. Forcing the memory from his mind he studied the incredible rendering of Sarah’s family, including her golden retriever, Rascal, and her uncle Jake. “Honey, what a beautiful picture! Thank you. I feel better already.” He held the paper up to show Megan and Holt.

  Sarah threw her arms around his neck. “C’mon, and I’ll show you the hammock. We got it for Daddy for Father’s Day.”

  As Jake followed Sarah outside, he thought of how his brother’s life had changed since he’d married Megan and adopted Sarah. The Arkansas Senate’s most eligible—and most stressed—bachelor was now a relaxed, easygoing dad and husband. And an even better senator, to boot.

  A few minutes later Jake stretched out in the hammock and closed his eyes. Sarah stood on tiptoes and dropped a kiss on his cheek. “I’m going to play with Rascal. See you after awhile.”

  “Have fun,” Jake murmured and surrendered to the deep weariness in his bones. Dappled shadows danced across his closed eyelids, as sunlight played hide-and-seek through the trees.

  Brandi Delaney was incredibly stubborn. And incredibly fascinating.

  He opened his eyes then shut them again quickly as a ray of sunlight found its target. He had to stop thinking of the beautiful blond every time he got still. She definitely wasn’t his problem.

  He thought back to Elva’s words when they were out on the porch. With all the turmoil she’d had in her upbringing, Brandi needed a California man with a nine-to-five job who would give her a house on the beach and a stable life. Not a baseball player who lived more on the road than anywhere else.

  He clutched the woven rope web and turned onto his side then pulled the hammock pillow over his eyes. Why was he contemplating the future of a girl he barely knew? All this domesticity was pickling his brain.

  Something cold on his arm brought him back from a dream about a girl in a red convertible that kept driving off every time he got close to her. He didn’t have to be Freud to figure that one out. He opened his eyes. Rascal was licking him as if he were a big ice cream cone. Sarah stood by watching quietly.

  “I didn’t want to wake you up, but Rascal did. He wants you to play with us.”

  Jake smiled and looked at his watch. He’d slept for two hours. He yawned and patted the dog’s head. “Let’s play some ball, Rascal.”

  As Jake threw the tennis ball for the tenth time, his brother walked across the yard.

  “Glad to see you’re keeping in practice,” Holt called.

  “I have to unless I want to go back to being just Senator Holt McFadden’s little brother,” Jake teased.

  “Somehow I don’t think that’s your reason for playing ball.” Holt smiled. “Let’s see—money, fame. . . .” He counted them on his fingers. “Have I left out anything?”

  “Yeah, the biggest thing.” Jake ran his fingers through his hair.

  “Your chance to speak out against drugs in high schools.” Holt’s smile fled.

  “Yep.” He looked over at Holt. “I get tired of being on the road all the time.” He motioned toward the house and Sarah. “And a big part of me would love to settle down and have a family. Coach football and baseball at a small town school. But it’s worth the hassles in order to help kids say no to drugs and alcohol.”

  “When are you going to forgive yourself for the accident?” Holt’s normally level tone was exasperated.

  “I’ve forgiven myself. Everyone makes mistakes,” Jake said. Forgiving wasn’t the same as forgetting, but his family loved him and wanted to erase his past.

  “You could still travel around and speak to schools even if you’re not able to stay on the team.”

  Jake shook his head. “People have short memories. Since I’ve been out this season, the visits to my Web site have cut almost in half. I have to do both or neither.”

  Holt shrugged. “Well, then you could quit and coach, as you said. You have the degree. Think how much influe
nce your coaches had on you.”

  Jake’s mouth twisted into a rueful grin. “Apparently not enough.”

  “Maybe not that one year. But you know the rest of the time your coaches had a big impact on you.”

  “I know. But I’m going back to baseball.” No one knew the deals Jake had made with himself in order to crawl up from the pits of despair. “And the road trips go with it.”

  “Is that what happened to you and Tammy? Your road trips?”

  Jake knew his family wondered. But he hadn’t been ready to talk about it. For some reason he didn’t mind all that much now. “Yes and no.”

  “ ’Zat right?” Holt deadpanned.

  “She didn’t mind me being on the road.” Jake took the tennis ball from the prancing golden retriever and flung it across the yard with his left hand. “Turns out that gave her the perfect opportunity to get to know other men better.”

  “Oh, man. I’m sorry.”

  “Yeah, well, she didn’t want to break it off. But that was something I wasn’t ‘hip’ enough to accept. So I told her it was over.” The dog brought the ball back, and Jake obligingly threw it again then wiped his hand on his pants. “She still leaves messages—but I don’t return her calls. Instead I’m concentrating on getting my career back.”

  They stood in silence and watched Sarah and Rascal chase each other. “Whether you make it back or not, there’s more to you than just baseball, Jake. And there’s more than one way to make a difference.”

  Jake nodded. He’d never doubted his family loved him and was proud of him whether he played pro-ball or not. But he wasn’t willing to give up a chance to motivate thousands of teens to say no to drugs. Not after what he’d done.

  “So what’s keeping you up nights these days?” Holt gestured toward the hammock.

  Jake groaned. “Brandi Delaney.”

  “Tom and Lynette’s daughter?”

  “Yep, straight from California and proud of it.”

  “Wasn’t she in your class?” Holt asked.

  “Yeah, my senior year. She was my one try at dating someone besides Tammy. Needless to say it didn’t work out.”

  “I remember. You were intrigued by her. Are you two—”

  “Please! Not a chance. She drives me crazy.”

  Holt threw back his head and laughed. “I hate to tell you this, bro, but that’s exactly how it starts.”

  Nine

  “ ’Bye, Mr. Cline. Come back and see us.” When the door closed behind the last of her Tuesday night guests, Brandi turned her attention to the Wednesday page of the reservation book.

  A businessman from Washington and two couples on their way to Branson from Florida were on the schedule for tonight, but they wouldn’t arrive for a few more hours. The house was quiet with only her, Nellie, and Gram here.

  Jake had been gone since the wee hours of Sunday morning. Four days counting today. She thought sure he’d have been back by now. Unless he wasn’t coming back.

  Sunday she’d still been mad so she hadn’t cared as much. She’d looked for him at church though. He hadn’t been there.

  She found out Monday afternoon from Valerie that the frightened girl had begged Jake to hurry to get her and promised to tell Brandi Sunday morning. He’d most likely acted quickly out of concern for Val’s safety. After this confirmation that she’d overreacted to Jake’s part in the whole thing she felt even worse about his departure.

  By yesterday she was replaying every hateful thing she’d said. She didn’t sleep much last night. And all morning she’d been remembering his saving her life, even though he had a hurt shoulder. He could have just called 911.

  Brandi opened the safety box and looped Mr. Cline’s key onto the second hook in a row of six. Her gaze fell on the extra key to Jake’s room. Maybe she should just peek in and see if all his things were gone.

  Before she could talk herself out of it she slipped the gold key into her pocket. If he were gone for good, she’d rather know now. She was halfway up the stairs when she heard Gram call from the den.

  She jumped. “Yes?”

  “I’m going to go now.”

  “Go?” Brandi muttered and retraced her steps. When she saw Gram, she let out a low whistle. “Mama mia! You look nice.”

  “Thank you.” Gram beamed.

  “How are you feeling?”

  “Better.” She waved her cane. “Dr. Barnes says I’ll still need this for a while. But I’m improving. That’s what I was going to tell you. I have a chiropractic appointment.”

  “Do you want me to drive you?” Brandi offered automatically, even though Gram had refused her the other times.

  “Thanks, but no. I have my lumbar cushion, and as long as I’m able I want to drive myself.”

  Brandi wondered if stubborn independence ran in the family. She took another look at Gram. In that red pants outfit she looked like a movie star. “You’re just going to the chiropractor?”

  The older woman chuckled. “I don’t think I said I was just going to the chiropractor. Actually I’m meeting Ben for lunch afterward.”

  “Ben Carter? Coach Carter?”

  “Don’t sound so shocked. It’s not very flattering to know you think I’m too old to have a life.”

  Brandi laughed. “Hardly. You’re the youngest granny I know. So don’t get too attached to that cane.”

  “I won’t.” Gram dropped a kiss on Brandi’s cheek and left.

  The door closed, and Brandi took a deep breath. Back to her mission. If she didn’t get that key out of her pocket soon, it might self-destruct. Or her guilt might make her self-destruct. She was strung tighter than a fiddler’s bow.

  Brandi’s foot had touched the top stair when the front door burst open. “Yii!” she screamed and spun around.

  Valerie blasted into the house, thrusting her book bag in front of her. She raised an eyebrow. “What’s wrong with you?”

  Brandi concentrated on making her breathing even. “Oh, nothing. You’re home early.”

  “Yeah, I ditched my last class.”

  It was Brandi’s turn to raise an eyebrow, but since her eye was still twitching from the shock of the door bursting open, she settled for pursing her lips in disbelief and shaking her head.

  “I’m kidding. We had an optional assembly right before lunch. So I came on home.” Valerie smiled. Not overly friendly, but not hostile at least.

  Brandi had made Valerie call their parents yesterday and let them decide what her punishment would be. Being restricted from both her cell phone and the house phone, plus the television and computer, hadn’t improved Valerie’s disposition. And being confined to the house except for school for two weeks was going to leave her with some time on her hands.

  “Your chore list is on the reception table.”

  “I can hardly wait.” Valerie pushed her bag ahead of her up the stairs. “I’ve got to put my book bag in my room.”

  Brandi touched the key through her jeans pocket. She might as well go talk to Nellie about tonight’s menu.

  Ten minutes later, when Brandi came from the kitchen, Valerie was at the front door carrying the trash out to the Dumpster.

  Quiet again. She wiped her sweaty palms on her jeans and pulled the key from her pocket. She couldn’t believe she was actually doing this. Her heart thundered in her throat when she reached Jake’s door. Would all his personal belongings be gone?

  Holding her breath she slid the key into the lock and opened the door. Horror shot through her veins.

  Jake looked up from his desk, puzzlement written on his brow. “Brandi? Is everything all right?”

  Floor, please just open up and swallow me, right now.

  “Yes, um. . . .” Think, Brandi, think.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” Jake stood, alarm in his eyes. “You look pale. Do you need to sit down?”

  No, what I need is a logical excuse for unlocking your door. “No, I’m okay.” She leaned against the doorframe, pretending to strike a casual pose but in real
ity trying to keep her knees from folding under her. “I can’t believe I opened your door.”

  Jake waved off her words. “Don’t worry about it. I’m sure you had a lot on your mind and opened the wrong door by mistake.”

  Now she knew. Jake McFadden was a true hero. He had provided her with the perfect excuse for her breaking and entering. She could just walk right out of this humiliating situation without so much as a backward glance.

  Except it wasn’t true. A year of putting up with Tammy’s faux sweetness had left a bad taste in Brandi’s mouth for anything that involved hiding behind a false front. And to this day she couldn’t do it.

  “The truth is. . . .” She stood up straight and kept her gaze locked on a spot over his shoulder. Telling him was one thing. Facing his reaction was another. “I was afraid you’d left for good. So I was just going to open your door and see if your personal things were gone.”

  She pressed her palm against her burning face. She felt sure there was nothing pale about it now. “I’m sorry for invading your privacy, Jake.”

  She averted her eyes to the floor until she heard him chuckle.

  “Don’t you think you’re being a little hard on yourself?” His blue eyes sparkled. “Checking to be sure I hadn’t moved out without informing the management surely wouldn’t be invasion of privacy.”

  “I appreciate your being so understanding. While I’m apologizing, I might as well get it all out.” She glanced down and saw the key still in her hand. When he followed her gaze and smiled, she stuffed it in her pocket then looked back up at him. “I’m sorry for coming down so hard on you for helping Valerie. I know you were just worried about her.”

  Jake held up his hand. “Let’s don’t go overboard. You’re making me blush now, and men hate to do that. It’s virtually impossible to blush and look tough at the same time—did you know that?”

  She knew he was being silly to make her feel better, but unlocking his room with him in it? There wouldn’t be any feeling better about that for a long time.