Secrets of a Sinner

by Yolonda Tonette Sanders

  As promised, Natalie had phoned Troy to let him know she was back in town, and now she sat on her couch waiting for his arrival. It was a few minutes shy of seven when he knocked on the door. He stood before her smiling, looking way sexier than she remembered him to be.

  Stepping in, he squeezed her between his arms, gently kissing her forehead. “I’m glad you’re back.” She was searching for the proper words to greet him, but her thoughts were interrupted by his lips, causing a serious flutter in her stomach. “I’m sorry for the way I’ve acted.... Can you forgive me?”

  “I already have.” She stared into his heartfelt gaze.

  “I have something that belongs to you.” He let Natalie go and reached into his back pocket, pulling out his wallet, and handed her a folded sheet of paper.

  She didn’t have to unfold the paper to know that it was the poem she’d written after she’d had the miscarriage. “Thanks for giving it back to me. This is very personal, you know?”

  “I do, and I’m sorry for invading your privacy.”

  “No, you’re not,” she teased. “Detectives are never sorry about that, you guys are nosey by nature.”

  Troy laughed. “You might be right about that.”

  “Go ahead and have a seat. I’m gonna go put this inside my desk this time.” She headed to the spare bedroom where her computer was located. Just as she had shoved the poem underneath some papers and closed the drawer, Troy’s arms engulfed her from behind. She hadn’t heard him come into the room.

  “I do love you,” he whispered.

  His words melted her heart, overshadowing the damage he’d previously done to it. She turned to face him. “I love you, too,” she managed to squeeze out before their lips were drawn together again. The more intense the kiss got, the more her body craved his touch. Wait! We can’t do this! her conscience cried, but Natalie was unable to force the words from her head out of her mouth. Troy’s lips held hers captive.

  He scooped Natalie up in his arms and carried her to the master bedroom where they fell on top of her comforter. She assisted him with pulling his sweatshirt over his head and immediately began kissing his chest. Troy moaned with pleasure and Natalie’s body began reacting to the anticipation of being pleasured. She wanted him badly, but her conscience began troubling her when he attempted to unbutton her shirt, and scriptures she’d read during her devotions last week floated through her head.

  Natalie saw the hunger in his eyes for her and her appetite was just as ferocious. I am a new creation, her conscience refused to be silent. Torn between her newly developed spiritual discipline and the lusting of her flesh, she gave in. “I can’t do this...” She pushed him off and jumped out of bed, refastening the few buttons he’d undone while she could still think straight.

  “What?”

  “I’m sorry...I just got caught up in the moment, but I can’t go through with this.”

  “Baby, what’s wrong?” He got up and gently held her shoulders.

  “Nothing... It’s not you...I promise. Just please...please put your shirt back on.” She charged out of the bedroom.

  Troy soon followed behind her, leaving his sweatshirt behind. “Nat, what’s going on? Talk to me, please. Did I do something?”

  “No, this has nothing to do with you. It’s me.”

  “Are you scared that you’ll get pregnant again? Honestly, I am. That’s why I think we should use protection. Our relationship has a lot of healing to go through yet and we should be careful.”

  “I...I really can’t talk to you about this right now.” Natalie was still fighting her desire for him and seeing his sculpted chest didn’t make things any easier. She needed him to leave quickly before she found herself back in the bedroom, completing the mission. “Please go put your shirt on and leave.”

  “Natalie...”

  “Please just go... We’ll talk later, I promise.”

  Troy sighed heavily. “I don’t understand you...” He stormed off back into her bedroom for his shirt and minutes later left the apartment.

  Chapter 33

  It’s About Me

  “Wow, you really have been through a lot,” Aneetra said to Natalie the next day as they ate lunch at a restaurant near where they worked. While enjoying her garlic shrimp platter across from Aneetra with her parmesan chicken, Natalie had just shared her discovery about Corrine.

  “I know. It’s a wonder I haven’t lost my mind,” Natalie replied, dipping one of her shrimp into the buttery sauce before bringing it to her mouth.

  “For what it’s worth, I think you’re handling everything very well...I admire your strength. I can’t honestly say that I would’ve left without telling Corrine the truth, but I do think you did the right thing. It really should be your aunt’s decision whether she finds out.”

  “I doubt that will ever happen. If Toni had her way, I’m sure she’d want me as far from Mississippi as possible. I’m willing to bet that Columbus isn’t far enough. She’d probably ship me off to Asia or somewhere if she could.”

  “I agree with your friend Sylvia. Sounds to me like your aunt is dealing with her own fears.”

  “Truthfully, I think Corrine was better off with Toni than if my mom had allowed me to keep her. I was thirteen—the whole situation was crazy, you know? I don’t think either my mom or I would have been emotionally strong enough to raise a child under those circumstances. It’s not like I want to replace Toni as Corrine’s mother. I would just like the opportunity to get to know her—for us to build some kind of relationship together. We seemed to really gel that night we talked.”

  “Just because your aunt says she doesn’t want to tell her now, it doesn’t mean she never will. You said your grandmother agrees that Corrine should be told the truth. I’m sure your uncles probably do, too. It’s not likely that your aunt really has a whole lot of backing on this issue. Give her time, she’ll come around.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m not gonna hold my breath...”

  “What does Troy have to say about everything?”

  “Well...I haven’t really told him.”

  Aneetra seemed surprised. “Oh...”

  “Honestly, I’m scared. I’m afraid he might freak out like he did when I told him I was pregnant.”

  “Corrine and your pregnancy are two unrelated issues. I think you should tell him.”

  “I just don’t know. What if, by some miracle, Corrine is able to be part of my life? If that ever happens, I’m not convinced that Troy will be accepting of that.”

  “You don’t know that for sure. Give him a chance. Don’t make the decision for him.”

  “Maybe... Right now wouldn’t be a good time to tell him anyhow, things got a bit tense between us last night.”

  “What happened?” Aneetra asked just as Natalie’s cell phone rang.

  “Speak of the devil...”

  “Well...are you gonna answer it?”

  “Now is not the time.”

  “I don’t know what happened with y’all last night, but I do know that you won’t be able to avoid him forever. Troy has shown that he’s willing to use any means possible to track you down. Please don’t make the brotha start callin’ me or camping out at folks’ jobs again,” she teased.

  Laughing, Natalie reluctantly answered.

  “Is this a bad time?” Troy asked.

  “Sort of. I’m having lunch right now with Aneetra.”

  “Sorry, I won’t hold you. Can we get together later this evening and talk? I’m confused about last night. I’m just trying to figure out where we stand. I promise I won’t try anything else, but I really think we need to discuss some things.”

  “I agree...”

  “So, do you want me to come to your place or do you want to come to mine?” he asked.

  “How about we meet at
Applebee’s? I was gonna have to eat out tonight anyhow if I didn’t get to the grocery store. I can get groceries tomorrow.”

  “I don’t seem to have much of an appetite, but I guess that’s cool. What time should we meet? Four-thirty?” he questioned.

  “Yes, that’s fine,” Natalie stated. “I’ll see you later.”

  “What happened with y’all last night?” Aneetra asked when Natalie had hung up.

  “Let’s just say that when the plane was about to land, I shut down the runway.”

  “Say no more, I know exactly what you mean...I’ve been there myself and, girl, it ain’t easy.”

  “As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t go through with it. Honest to God, I’ve never felt guilty about having premarital sex until last night.”

  “Girl, that’s conviction. Now that you’re saved, God’s not going to make it easy for you to do wrong.”

  “I wish He would go ahead and take my desire away then because I really wanted him.”

  “Lesson number one—be careful what you pray for. Girl, you don’t want God taking away your desire. Maybe ask Him to tone it down a little for the time being, but you definitely don’t want it to be extinct. Trust me, you’ll exercise it regularly one day.” She winked. “That’s an area many single Christians struggle with. I did. There was even one time when I failed to say no.” Aneetra shook her head as though she was trying to erase an image from her mind. “I had been saved close to a year at the time. I have to be honest with you, Natalie. It wasn’t worth it. Yeah, it felt good for the moment, but the guilt afterwards was unbearable.”

  Natalie appreciated her friend’s candidness about this, as she had about the abortion. It put to rest those voices about Aneetra’s life being “perfect” and made her realize that everyone has struggles.

  “Thank God that there’s forgiveness even when we’re saved and we mess up. After that, I learned to keep myself out of predicaments where it would be easy for me to fall into temptation. I don’t care how close the plane got to landing, I commend you for being able to stop it.”

  * * *

  Natalie pulled into Applebee’s parking lot about five minutes to five. She spotted Troy’s Navigator and rushed in, finding that he’d already been seated.

  “Sorry, I stayed at work a little longer than I’d planned to,” she said, joining him at the booth.

  “It’s okay.”

  A blonde waitress came up and, both claiming not to have much of an appetite, they ordered a raspberry iced tea for Natalie and a soda for Troy.

  “Okay, I’ll get those drinks right to you. If you change your minds about ordering just let me know,” the waitress bubbled, leaving them alone.

  “What happened last night?” Troy wasted no time getting to the point.

  “I just couldn’t go through with it.”

  “Why? Did you hook up with someone else in Mississippi? If so, let me know. Don’t play games with me, Natalie. I’m trying my best to be open with you. I need you to do the same.”

  “This isn’t about me finding anyone else.”

  “Then what is it about? Things seemed like they were going good then all of a sudden you flipped.”

  “I know, and I’m sorry about that. When I was in Mississippi, I made a decision to change my life. I got saved. As much as I wanted to be with you last night, doing so would have violated the commitment I’d made to Jesus.”

  “You are kidding me, right?” Troy looked amused. The waitress returned with their drinks, and, after she left, he continued. “Are you still upset with me because of how I reacted to your pregnancy? You know I’m sorry for the way I treated you. I tried to get you to understand where I was coming from.”

  “This has nothing to do with my pregnancy. Please don’t think I’m holding anything against you. I really do forgive you. I’m sorry I let things get out of control last night. I got caught up in the moment. My decision not to follow through with things was based solely on me wanting to live the rest of my life as a Christian. It had absolutely nothing to do with what had happened between us previously. It’s about my relationship with God.”

  “Are you going through some kind of identity crisis or something?” Troy began getting angry. “We’ve known each other for, like, ten months, and I have never heard you mention God except when cursing.”

  “You’re right. I can’t argue with that. But things have changed now. I made a commitment with my life and I intend to do my very best to follow through with it.”

  “So, how does our relationship fit in with your newfound commitment to God?”

  Natalie’s heart ached. There was no way she could confide in him about Corrine if he couldn’t handle this. “I don’t know,” she said, fighting back tears. “Maybe we should try being friends and take things more slowly.”

  “So it’s like that? You go to Mississippi as my girl, but come back and just wanna be my friend?”

  “Troy, I just have a lot on my mind right now. I’m trying to put my life in perspective. I need to pursue my relationship with God if for no other reason than my own sanity.”

  “So what am I supposed to do while you and God are getting to know one another?” he mocked. “Do you expect me to feel the same way you do? I can tell you right now that I’m not on all of that going-to-church and reading-the-Bible stuff.”

  “I don’t expect you to do anything you don’t want to do. This isn’t about us, Troy. It’s about me and my relationship with God. I’m not trying to force you to do anything.”

  “I don’t get it...it’s like you’re a totally different person. You know what? Thanks for the offer to be my friend, but I’ll pass. You’re not the person I fell in love with. I guess I won’t be needing this anymore.” He threw her apartment key on the table before stomping away.

  It was the second time a guy had walked out on her at a restaurant. At least she had the money to pay the bill this time.

  Chapter 34

  Making Right Your Wrongs

  Over the next several weeks, Natalie tried to keep herself busy with work and other activities. Her personal schedule was often free and clear since she and Troy were no longer dating. She missed him and hadn’t spoken with him in nearly six weeks, not since the day he’d walked out on her at the restaurant. Once she sent him an email asking how he was doing, but didn’t get a response. She’d been tempted many times to pick up the phone and call him, but had always decided against it, unsure of what emotions her actions would incite. Every now and then she would pray for him, hoping that whatever challenges life brought his way, he’d be able to handle.

  Natalie was growing more confident in her ability to pray and she did so each day. One thing was for sure, God wouldn’t find fault with her for padding her prayers with a lot of insincere murmurings. She stuck to the basics and made sure to include at least Big Mama and Corrine in every prayer. Through her grandmother, she had been able to keep tabs on what was going on with her daughter. Whether Toni ever decided to tell Corrine the truth or not, knowing Corrine was okay gave Natalie peace about the whole situation.

  “Ugh!” Natalie grunted, crumpling the paper she had been writing on and throwing it on the floor alongside the rest. For the fourth time now, she was about to start her letter to Wendy, putting into practice the message that Aneetra’s pastor had taught earlier today. Since her return from Mississippi, Natalie had been consistently attending her friend’s church and was enjoying it. Today’s message was probably the most challenging one she’d heard thus far, because it required her to take action.

  Pastor Giles had preached a sermon entitled, “Making Right Your Wrongs,” stating that it’s part of our Christian responsibility to go back to the person we’ve offended and ask for forgiveness. He warned the congregation to remember that asking forgiveness doesn’t undo the past, nor does it make the other pe
rson’s pain go away. He said that people need time to heal and they must be allowed whatever time is necessary. Finally, he mentioned that even when people apologize, they can’t make others forgive them. The reality is that sometimes people will never forgive, but fear of rejection doesn’t negate the offender’s responsibility.

  Though extremely grateful to have both Aneetra and Tawanna in her life, Natalie regretted sabotaging the friendship she’d had with Wendy. As she internalized Pastor Giles’s sermon, she thought about the day she had seen Wendy at Babies “R” Us. The only reason she’d apologized then was because it was the right thing to do; she hadn’t been sincere. Now she was doing it because it was the Christian thing to do—and because she was truly sorry for her acts of betrayal. Once again, she began writing:

  Dear Wendy,

  I hope all is well with you. A lot has transpired in my life since we last saw each other back in February at the store. For starters, I had a miscarriage and am no longer pregnant. The loss of my baby caused me finally to come to grips with my past, facing some things that had happened in my childhood, which I had allowed to harden me. The purpose of this letter is not to give you a sob story about my background. Rather, I really want to offer my deepest apologies for betraying you.

  I remember you said that you’d already forgiven me. I want to thank you for that. I still feel it’s necessary to admit my wrongdoing. I’m sure you could probably tell that my last apology wasn’t sincere. I was still dealing with some issues back then and really hadn’t come face to face with the horrible truth of what I did to you. Now, Wendy, I am sorry. I’m not saying this because I’m trying to be your best friend again. I realize it’s very doubtful that my position as your friend will ever be restored. I just want to say thank you for always being a true friend to me. I’m sorry for betraying your trust. I pray that you will never be hurt again by a friend the way that I hurt you.