Secrets of a Sinner

by Yolonda Tonette Sanders

  One of the pictures toppled. “I’m not sure I know what you mean.”

  “That’s interesting, considering the fact that you adopted Corrine.”

  “Who told you that?” Toni turned around and barked.

  “It doesn’t matter. I just want to know one thing...” Natalie stood up and walked a few feet and looked her aunt directly in the eye. “Is Corrine my daughter?”

  Toni rolled her eyes. “You’re crazy.”

  “Toni, cut the crap and tell me the truth!”

  “How dare you come into my home and be disrespectful to me.”

  “I just want to know about Corrine.”

  “Well, I’m sorry, but the topic of Corrine is off limits.”

  “Why...because she’s really my child?”

  Toni glared at her. “You listen to me very carefully. Make no mistakes about it. Corrine is my daughter. I’m the one who sacrificed my life to raise her. For all intents and purposes, I am her mother and that is all that you need to know.”

  “Here’s a news flash, Toni— What happened to me as a child was tragic. A person doesn’t just get over that. Don’t you think I deserve to know that truth?”

  “Oh, so that’s what Corrine is to you, a tragedy? Kenny and I don’t look at her as a tragic event in our lives. We see a young girl, full of potential, who can be anything in this world she wants to be. I’m sorry for what happened to you, Natalie, but there’s nothin’ I can do about it, is there?”

  “The least you can do is tell Corrine who I really am.”

  “Why? What good would that do? Then she’ll want to know the circumstances surrounding her birth. How would it benefit her to know she’s a product of sexual molestation?”

  “She wants to know!” Natalie screamed. “She thinks I didn’t want her.”

  Toni looked horrified. “You’ve spoken to Corrine about this?”

  Realizing she’d put herself in an awkward position of disclosure, Natalie didn’t respond.

  “You’d better stay away from her. If anyone is going to tell Corrine anything, it’ll be me or her father. This is a family matter and does not concern you! You haven’t thought about seeing her the last eighteen years, why now? Is it because you’re trying to ease your own conscience about giving her up?”

  “I was a child! I didn’t have a choice. My mother made me!”

  “Yeah, well, Sharon knew that I had Corrine all along and she never came down to lay eyes on her.”

  “You liar! Don’t you dare make it seem like my mother was involved in this.” Before Natalie could catch herself she’d slapped Toni right in the middle of her cheek.

  Toni quickly massaged the point of impact, fire blazing in her eyes. “If you think Sharon was ignorant of this whole deal, think again. The whole thing was her idea—including not telling you.”

  “Shut up! You’re lying. My mother would’ve never kept something like this from me.”

  Toni laughed wickedly. “Why do you think y’all moved to Ohio so quickly? Earl and Crystal were going to raise Corrine, but Earl had reservations about all the secrecy. I, on the other hand, agreed with your mother and thought it would be best for everyone involved. Face it, Natalie. Your mother never wanted you to know where Corrine was. Why else would she have taken this secret with her to the grave?”

  Natalie shook her head. “No...this can’t be true.”

  “Your best bet is to go back to Columbus, New York, or wherever you want to go and forget that Corrine ever existed. You should be able to get over Corrine, Sharon did!” Toni’s sharp words pierced Natalie’s heart.

  “I will never forget Corrine!” she declared, then turned and burst through the front door, almost knocking Toni’s husband over as he was coming in.

  * * *

  Natalie drove around for a while trying to calm her nerves before going back to her grandmother’s. When she arrived, Big Mama and Crystal were both in the living room waiting for her. Their troubled expressions told Natalie that they’d already been informed about the morning’s events. “I’m gonna get my things and then I’ll be going home,” she stated and proceeded to her room.

  “Wait...” Her grandmother gently grabbed her arm. “I wanna talk to you.”

  Ordering her tears not to fall, Natalie said, “I’d rather not. No one wanted to talk to me about Corrine for the past eighteen and a half years. I don’t want to talk now.”

  Natalie burst into tears when she entered her room. She felt betrayed by everyone in her family—especially by her deceased mother and her grandmother. How could they have kept such an important thing from her? Their deceitfulness was totally unforgivable.

  “Do you mind if I say something?” Crystal came into the room.

  “I don’t feel like talking to you or anyone else.”

  “You don’t have to say a word, just listen to me, please...”

  Natalie continued shoving her belongings into her bag.

  “Honey, I know you’re hurting right now. I just don’t think you should try and drive all that way being so upset. If you don’t want to stay here, you’re welcome to come to my house.”

  “No, thanks.”

  “Everyone is upset right now. Kenny said Toni is hysterical and about to have a nervous breakdown.”

  “Ask me if I care...”

  “Your grandmother is torn to pieces. Natalie, she loves you so much. When I picked her up to go to the church this morning, she told me what happened last night at Tawanna’s bridal shower. She had her mind set that if you wanted to know the truth, she was going to tell you and deal with the repercussions from Toni later.”

  “I can’t really hold her accountable for not telling me anything during the years we didn’t talk much. But we’ve talked to each other at least once a week for well over a year now since my mom died. She’s had plenty of time to tell me if she really wanted to, so how likely is it that she would have told me today?” Natalie yelled. “I’ve been here two weeks and she hasn’t said a word.”

  “I understand how you feel. I—”

  “No, you don’t! You don’t know how it feels to wake up in the middle of the night and cry because you don’t know who or where your child is. You don’t know how it feels to find out that your mother kept the truth from you all along, going on like nothing ever happened. You don’t know how it feels to have a miscarriage that hurt so bad it felt like losing Corrine all over again. I came to Mississippi trying to find answers about my past. The funny thing is that everyone who knew the answers looked me in my face and no one had the decency to tell me. Unless you’ve been through that, you don’t know how I feel so I’d appreciate if you would move out of my way.”

  Crystal stepped aside as Natalie rushed out the room.

  “Please don’t leave like this,” her grandmother desperately pleaded.

  “Goodbye,” Natalie quietly said, refusing to look at her.

  Chapter 31

  A Grain of Salt

  After driving straight from Jackson to Columbus, Natalie was mentally and physically tired by the time she got to her apartment. She lay in bed Sunday morning recapping the last two weeks of her life and feeling overwhelmed by such widespread betrayal by her family. On the one hand, it felt good finally to know the truth. On the other, she believed that had she known all along, many of her emotional and social dysfunctions could have been avoided. She was now stuck with knowing the truth, but not really knowing how to process it and get on with her life.

  “Natalie, please open up!” It was about a quarter after nine when Sylvia came banging at the door. “I know you’re in there. I saw your car outside,” she yelled.

  Since it didn’t sound as if Sylvia would leave anytime soon, Natalie crawled out of bed and went to the door. “What?”

  Sylvia took it upon herself
to fully invite herself into the apartment. “Are you okay?”

  “Hmm... What would make you ask that? Is it because Big Mama or Crystal called and told you that I found out about Corrine? I’m sure you already knew—just like everyone else.”

  “Natalie, Ida Mae is worried sick about you.”

  “Then call and tell her I’m fine.”

  “I think she would much rather hear it from you.”

  “Tough! I don’t want to talk to her. I don’t even want to talk to you.”

  “Nat, I know you’re upset, but you have to believe that no one intentionally tried to hurt you.”

  Natalie rolled her eyes and leaned against the wall. “Yeah, well, I’m sure Toni would disagree.”

  “I haven’t spoken to her about what happened between y’all, but I’m willing to bet that even she feels bad for whatever she said.”

  “What I don’t understand, Sylvia, is how everyone could think that having a baby was something I could just forget about.” She began tearing up.

  “Oh, honey, no one thought you forgot—”

  “Then why wouldn’t anyone tell me that Toni had my baby? Why didn’t you tell me? My own mother didn’t even say anything!” Natalie exploded.

  Sylvia remained calm. “When you guys first moved up here, Sharon told me that she didn’t want you to know who had Corrine because she feared it would be harder for you to move on in life. She specifically said that the only way she would tell you everything was if you asked. It’s my understanding that you never asked. I’m not blaming you at all, I’m just trying to get you to understand that Sharon thought you were okay with not knowing. You seemed to be getting along great in high school, you graduated from college and you were modeling in New York...you seemed very happy. Sharon didn’t want to take any of that away from you. If she thought for one minute that you wanted to know about Corrine, she would have told you.”

  “Toni made it sound as if Mom never wanted to lay eyes on Corrine.”

  “Take anything Toni said about Sharon with a grain of salt,” Sylvia said angrily. “Your mother did what she thought was best to do at the time, but it wasn’t an easy decision for her by any means. She wanted to keep Corrine, but honestly didn’t have the financial means to care for you and a baby. She longed to see Corrine. As a matter of fact, she cried when she saw the pictures that Toni would send me of her. Toni was just running off at the mouth because she’s battling her own fears.”

  “I just want the pain to stop,” Natalie cried. “I just want it to stop.”

  “Honey, it will. It’ll take time, but it will.” Sylvia hugged her tightly.

  It was well after ten o’clock when Sylvia left. She tried to talk Natalie into getting dressed and going to get something to eat with her, but Natalie didn’t have an appetite and didn’t feel like company. She briefly considered visiting one of the churches on the list that Earl had given her just to get her mind on something else, but at the rate she was moping around, she’d never make it to any of the services on time. She spent the entire day in bed, watching Lifetime and ignoring the phone each time it rang.

  Later on that night Natalie read two of her daily devotions, catching up on what she’d missed yesterday because of all the drama that had taken place. Afterwards, she decided to try her hand at praying. Besides the day Earl had led her in the prayer of salvation, she hadn’t really ventured into that territory on her own. It was easy to pray when all she had to do was repeat after her uncle. Still, she’d give it a try.

  “Dear God...um...I hope You can hear me...I’m hurting, and I’m not sure how to deal with everything. I really want to be saved and be a good Christian. Please quiet the voices in my head that tell me I’m going to fail at Christianity like I’ve failed at modeling, friendships, relationships and would’ve most likely failed at motherhood, which is probably why I miscarried, huh? I know I can’t do this without You, so please help me. Oh, and one more thing...please take care of Corrine.”

  Chapter 32

  Nosey By Nature

  Natalie woke up way too early the next morning. She still had at least an hour before she would normally get up for work. Surprisingly, she was feeling a little better than she had the day before, though the whole situation still bothered her quite a bit. Realizing her mind was too active to allow her to go back to sleep, she turned on the lamp and opened her devotional book.

  Immediately her flesh warmed when she saw today’s title: “Learning to Forgive.” The devotion was based on Matthew 18:21–35 when Jesus told Peter a parable about a king who forgave one of his servants of an insurmountable debt. The same servant was owed less money by someone else, but instead of forgiving him, had the person thrown in prison when he could not pay. The king found out what the servant had done and was filled with anger. The king ordered the jailers to torture him until he could pay off the entire debt owed to the king. At the end of the parable Jesus said, “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.”

  The author of the devotion then wrote, “Where would you be if God refused to forgive you?” The message wasn’t easy for Natalie to digest because she felt she had a right to be angry with everyone. There was a whole list of people who had violated her trust. How could she ever forgive Jesse! The man had stolen her innocence! Yet, as the writer pointed out, forgiveness was not optional, but a necessity.

  Natalie finally understood what Wendy had said the day they’d run into each other at Babies “R” Us. Wendy had stated that she had to forgive Natalie in order to be right with God. Forgiveness is a Christ-like characteristic.

  In addition to forgiving others, Natalie also had to forgive herself for all the wrong choices she had made in her lifetime. She’d been using her childhood as a crutch to justify her behavior. Though she might not have been able to prevent the things that had happened to her as a child, she did have a choice in how she responded to them later in life. Jesse had stolen her virginity, but she had later willingly given her goodness away to dozens of other men. Death had halted the relationship she’d had with her father, but it was her own avoidance that had prevented meaningful relationships with friends and family.

  Startled when the alarm clock blared at six, signifying she should start getting ready for work, Natalie picked up the phone and dialed her grandmother’s number. Though it was only five o’clock in Jackson, she didn’t want to let another minute go by without making an effort to mend their broken relationship. She already lived with the regret about not being there for her mother. She knew that if something were to happen to Big Mama, she would hate herself for allowing her fierce departure from Mississippi to be the last interaction that the two of them had. Natalie waited with anticipation as her grandmother’s phone rang. “Sorry to call you so early, I—”

  “Baby, it’s okay. It’s not like I was gettin’ much rest anyhow. I’m so glad you called. I tried gettin’ a hold of you several times yesterday.”

  “I was here. I just didn’t answer the phone. Sylvia came by for a minute.”

  “I know... How are you doing?”

  “Okay...I guess I could be a lot worse. My whole purpose for coming to Mississippi was to find out what had happened to my baby. I just can’t understand why no one would tell me.”

  “Baby, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know...” Hearing the tearful plea in her grandmother’s voice caused tears to well up in Natalie’s own eyes. “You seemed to make it very clear that you didn’t want to talk about what happened back then. I guess it was just easier for me not to push the issue. I knew if I told you, Toni would have a fit. She’s my only daughter and I was scared of damaging our relationship.”

  “But Crystal said you were going to tell me Saturday....”

  “After I got the phone call from Tawanna about you runnin’ out of the bridal shower, I called Toni and said
that I would tell you about Corrine. Of course, she was livid, but I wanted to do what I thought was right.”

  “That must be why Toni wondered if you knew I was going over to her house... I take it Tawanna knows, too.”

  “She overheard me and Bessie talkin’ one time. Please don’t be upset with her. She found out by mistake. She couldn’t have been more than sixteen at the time.”

  Natalie couldn’t reasonably be upset with Tawanna even if she had wanted to be. Of all the people involved in this conspiracy, she was the last one who should’ve felt obligated to come clean. “Has anyone told Corrine who I am?”

  “No. Toni was afraid that her other children had overheard you two, but so far none of them have said anything. Personally, I think everything needs to come out in the open, but I will not tell Corrine. I respect Toni as her mother and whether or not Corrine is told the truth needs to be her decision. I’ve given her my opinion, but the rest is up to her.”

  “I guess you’re right....” Though she desired for Corrine to know, she really had no say-so.

  “Natalie, I am sorry.”

  “I am, too. I should’ve at least tried to talk to you instead of blowing up.”

  “I cain’t honestly say that I wouldn’t have done the same thing if I were you. We’re all human, sometimes our emotions get the best of us.”

  “Thank you for being so understanding. I love you, Big Mama.”

  “I love you, too, baby.”

  Natalie looked at the clock. It was already after six-thirty. “I’d better get off the phone so I can get to work. I wanted to be there early this morning since it’s my first day back, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen.”

  “Okay. Do you mind if I pray with you real quick?”

  Natalie smiled for the first time since she’d been back in Columbus. “Of course not,” she said and closed her eyes in anticipation.

  * * *

  The best part of Natalie’s first day back at work was the exuberant and warm greeting from Aneetra, who was eager to hear all about her trip. Natalie felt as though she could trust Aneetra with her secret, but the hectic workday left no time for full disclosure—perhaps tomorrow when they went to lunch. She was taking Aneetra out as a way to say “thank you” for handling her workload and helping to smooth things over with Alex, who initially had been very upset that Natalie hadn’t called her while she was away. She had become more sympathetic upon learning about the miscarriage, however.