What He Fears

by E. M. Denning

  On the other side of that terrifying possibility was the idea that it wouldn’t, and that was the idea he would cling to with ferocious intensity. The possibility that it could go right stole his breath. The idea that he could go home after a long day and not have to choose between them. He imagined going home to both men, curling up between them on the couch. He’d never have to choose between spending the day with one or the other. He’d never have to feel as if he was in two separate relationships.

  His gratitude that Rory would be the one to propose this was immeasurable. Abject terror clung to Nick’s bones, weighing him down. He’d never get the words out. Was it too much to want? Rejection was a demon that haunted him. It had killed him, Rory’s rejection a year ago. Nick begged and nearly wept when Rory, gently, firmly, told him that, no, they couldn’t be exclusive.

  Nick had spent the last year coming to terms with that. He understood where Rory was coming from, most of the time, but that didn’t make it easy. And now, here was everything he ever wanted. A beautiful man to put him on his knees and a man he wanted to protect, to hold and soothe and own.

  “It’s not bad.” Rory echoed Nick’s words. He offered Andrew a soft smile. The corners of his eyes creased and Nick drank in the sight of the stunning creature who would do anything to make him happy. He didn’t know if Rory had any actual interest in Andrew, but he had enough interest in Nick to propose this strange sort of closed, but not closed, an exclusive arrangement that allowed Nick to have his cake and eat it, too. Andrew had expressed interest in the dynamics of dominance and submission. Nick had answered many shy questions for him. It all seemed too good to be true, and he was afraid to want as much as he did.

  Rory squeezed his trembling fingers and glanced at him. Nick saw the question in his eyes and answered it with a nod. Rory returned his nod and turned back to Andrew.

  “Nick and I want you to join us in our relationship.” Rory was the very picture of calm composure. Andrew, however, was stunned into silence and had eyes as round as a cartoon owl.

  He blinked at Rory. “Uh. Sorry. You what?”

  “You like Nick, don’t you?”

  Andrew nodded. “Of Course.” His cheekbones darkened, and as his gaze shifted to Nick, the blush deepened. “Yeah. I like him.”

  Rory nodded. “And he likes you, too. As a matter of fact, he’s very fond of you, and I’m afraid that’s the problem.” Andrew opened his mouth but Rory forged on, not giving Andrew a chance to voice an opinion on the matter. “Because Nick likes you so much, he feels torn between spending time with you and spending time with me. So I proposed that we change the rules of our relationship to include you. Only you.”

  Andrew’s eyes widened. “Me. With… both of you?”

  “Nick and I would be exclusive. And so would you and Nick. You and I would simply be… well, I guess that’s up to you, really. We don’t have to be anything but friends if that’s all you’re comfortable with.”

  Andrew leaned back in his chair and scrubbed a hand over his face before looking at Nick. “I’m not sure I understand how any of this would work.”

  Nick gave Rory’s hand a squeeze. “Well, it’d be like,” he paused to gather his thoughts. He wanted Andrew to understand how great it could be for all of them. He chewed on the inside of his cheek for a second before he continued. “It’d be like today, instead of Rory and I out for lunch, it would be you and Rory and I out for lunch. Other times we’d all meet up at Rory’s house and hang out, watch movies. Sometimes you and I would go out alone, other times Rory and I would.”

  Andrew’s brow furrowed, and he tugged at the hem of his shirt. He looked at Nick. “This is important to you, isn’t it? That the three of us… hang out.”

  Telling the truth was important and sometimes excruciating. It was the easy part, the telling. The one syllable word, yes, slipped from Nick’s lips and then he waited. It could all come crashing down around him. If Andrew walked away now, everything would fall apart. Nick would lose it all before he really had it.

  Then, Andrew nodded. He felt Rory’s hand twitch in his own, as if he’d been just as surprised. He chanced a glance at Rory and caught his eye. His bright denim eyes were filled with mischief and mirth. He wore the expression of a man who’d won the lottery. Nick looked back at Andrew, who looked bewildered. Nick gave Rory’s hand a squeeze before letting it go to move his chair closer to Andrew.

  Nick took Andrew’s hand and entwined their fingers. “I know this is asking a lot, Andrew, and I know it’s not going to be easy for any of us. It’s a complicated situation, because, well,” Nick chose to echo Rory’s words. “I’m a complicated person.”

  Andrew squeezed Nick’s hand and turned his head enough to catch his eye. He shrugged a shoulder. “Everyone’s complicated, Nick. You know what you want. Nothing wrong with that.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with not knowing either.” Rory offered as he picked at his food with one hand. “The best things in life are found in the journey, not the destination. Self-discovery is a beautiful thing, Andrew. It’s messy and confusing, but there’s a magic in it that you won’t find anywhere else.”

  Nick grinned and motioned to Rory. “Listen to him Andrew, he knows what he’s talking about. He meditates.” He glanced at Rory in time to see him arch an eyebrow.

  “Careful, you.”

  He rolled his eyes in an exaggerated fashion. “Forgive me, enlightened one.”

  Rory dusted non-existent crumbs off his lap. “You’re just jealous that you can’t meditate.”

  “Being with you is a religious experience in itself, Rory, I don’t need to meditate to reach enlightenment.”

  Rory barked out a laugh, and it mixed with Andrew’s quiet chuckle. The sounds mingling in the air filled him with hope that perhaps this crazy arrangement would work out.

  “You meditate? What’s it like?” Andrew asked Rory.

  Nick buried a smile by bringing Andrew’s hand to his mouth and kissing his knuckles.

  “Most of the time it’s quite relaxing. I try to meditate for at least ten minutes each day. It helps keep my stress level down.”

  “Only ten minutes?”

  “Once you’re well practised, it doesn’t take as long to find your calm.” Rory pointed a slender finger at Nick. “This one is hopeless. His mind never shuts off.”

  Nick shrugged a shoulder. “Sitting and doing nothing isn’t Zen, for me. I need something to focus on, a task to complete,” he grimaced. “Meditation is boring.”

  “Maybe you could teach me.” Andrew’s hesitant words seemed to surprise Rory as much as they surprised Nick. Andrew tried to appear nonchalant, but Nick could tell from the stiff way he held himself that the prospect of rejection unsettled him.

  “If we’re supposed to hang out,” Andrew continued, “I figured it wouldn’t hurt to have something in common.”

  Rory grinned at Andrew, he seemed genuinely pleased at the idea of having a new pupil. He’d tried to teach Nick several times, but it never stuck. Nick’s brain wouldn’t allow him to sit and do nothing. It went against everything in his nature. It’s why Rory used that very thing for punishment. Anything else would be fun for him, but the last time he’d got on the wrong side of Rory he’d spent thirty hellish minutes staring at a corner.

  Rory pulled Nick out of his thoughts and back into the conversation with a particularly humiliating anecdote of the last time Rory had tried to teach Nick to meditate. Nick playfully admonished Rory for spilling all his secrets. They chatted for a while longer. At first, it had felt a little strange to sit there and hold Andrew’s hand with Rory present, but once the conversation started to flow, Nick found it surprisingly easy to relax.

  Then Andrew shifted in his seat. “I need to get going.”

  Nick reluctantly let go of Andrew’s hand and watched him stand. He didn’t want Andrew to go without giving him a kiss, but he didn’t know if one would be welcomed in front of Rory. He made a note to discuss boundaries with Andrew the nex
t time they spoke.

  “Nick and I are doing dinner and a movie this weekend at my place, you should come.” Rory bit his lip. It was something he only did when he was nervous.

  When Andrew hesitated, Nick reached for his hand. He loosely entwined their fingers and stared up at him. “Please.”

  Andrew was slow to nod, but the slight movement made Nick’s heart soar. “Thank you.” He pressed his lips against Andrew’s knuckles before allowing him to tug his hand away.

  Nick promised to call him, then watched Andrew walk away.

  “I see why you like him.” Rory pushed his empty plate aside and leaned on the table, extending a hand toward Nick.

  Sometimes Nick hated that Rory knew him so well. He took Rory’s hand, noting the size difference between their hands. Rory’s hands were smaller, but he’d always trusted them to never let him fall, and he’d trust him now, too. Words failed Nick in that moment to describe the depth of hope that bloomed in his chest. He clung to Rory, their fingers entwined, and didn’t look up at Rory when he spoke. “I’m afraid to want this, Rory. I’m afraid to want it, but I do.” He’d reached for it once and been burned.

  “We’ll make it work, Nicky.”

  He nodded, accepting Rory’s words as truth, and let himself hope.

  Chapter Ten

  Andrew

  The first thing he noticed when the door swung open was the smile on Rory’s face. Rory, being a few inches shorter than Andrew, looked up at him. His broad grin put a twinkle in his eye and he swept to the side as he greeted Andrew. “I’m glad you made it. Come in, please.”

  He toed out of his shoes and stuffed his hands in his pockets as he glanced around. Rory closed the door, then brushed past Andrew, looping his fingers around Andrew’s bicep. “Nicky is busy cooking. Can you believe he threw me out of my own kitchen? He insisted on cooking tonight.” Rory leaned closer and whispered. “He wants to impress you.”

  Andrew didn’t respond to the fact that Rory called Nick, Nicky. He didn’t want to acknowledge that Rory had at least one special name for Nick. That line of thought would only lead him to places he had no interest in visiting. He didn’t want to sit around and compare all the ways he didn’t measure up to Rory. Of course they shared things like pet names, they’d been together longer and he wouldn’t begrudge them that. Besides, Nick apparently wanted to impress him, and he chose to hold on to that thought instead.

  Rory led him into the kitchen and pulled out a stool for him. “You sit here, I’ll help Nicky finish up. Can I get you anything to drink? Wine? Beer? We have pop or juice if you prefer that.”

  “A beer would be great.”

  Nick was at the stove stirring something and he turned around to greet him. “Hey. Glad you made it.”

  He watched as Nick set the spoon down and walked toward him. Nick looked fantastic in a faded band T-shirt and a pair of black jeans that hugged his ass. He leaned across the counter and grinned, then moved in for a fleeting kiss. Since their first real date, Nick had made sure to greet Andrew with a kiss whenever he saw him, except the other day outside the park, but he suspected that had more to do with his own nerves and less to do with Nick not wanting to show affection to him in front of Rory. Andrew was keenly aware of Rory’s gaze when Nick’s lips brushed against his a second time. He almost felt guilty, but then he remembered that this whole idea had come from Rory and he forced himself to relax.

  When Nick pulled back a little, Andrew’s insides turned to mush when he saw the depth of Nick’s happiness. To know that he was at least partially responsible for the joy he saw in Nick’s expression choked him. He schooled his face until Nick turned around and headed back to the stove, then he cracked his beer and took a long drink.

  He was certain he saw Rory shoot him a look from the corner of his eye, but he ignored it in favor of nursing his beer and watching Nick cook.

  Andrew set his beer on the counter and watched a droplet of condensation slide down the side of the bottle. “How did you and Rory meet?” Andrew asked.

  Rory put his elbow on the counter and rested his chin in his palm. “Do you want to tell the story, or should I?”

  Nick glanced over his shoulder as he bent to pull a tray of fresh buns out of the oven. “I need to get everything finished up here. You tell it better anyway.”

  He shifted slightly so he could look at Rory. His blue hair looked more vibrant today. Andrew wondered if he’d dyed it recently or if it stood out because Rory was dressed all in white. A white v-neck shirt clung to him like a second skin and his white pants hugged his narrow frame. The crow's feet at the corner of his eyes deepened when Rory smiled.

  “I was at a club after skipping out of one of the most horrific blind dates imaginable. I wanted to dance and blow off some steam. I’d had a few drinks and was doing my thing on the dance floor, grinding, gyrating, having a good time, and then I noticed Mr Tall, Dark and Broody on the edge of the crowd making sex eyes at me. So I went over and introduced myself.”

  Nick piled the fresh buns into a basket. “He spent the next thirty minutes gyrating against half the guys on the dance floor and returning my sex eyes.”

  “Then I took him home. We’d both only been looking for a one-night stand, but then we got to talking and discovered we had some things in common.”

  Nick laughed and shot Rory a look of amused disbelief. “You straddled me, pinned my wrists to the mattress and flat out asked me how kinky I liked to get.”

  Rory rolled his eyes. “I thought you wanted me to tell the story.”

  “So you guys are a one night stand that never ended?” Andrew tried to wrap his head around that. It was so different from any of his relationships. Even with Gloria, his most recent failed relationship, it took him months to realize he was attracted to her.

  A smile tugged at the corner of Rory’s mouth. “He only keeps me around because he likes to watch me move.” He wiggled in his seat a little, in a mock dance move.

  Nick motioned toward the dining room. “I want to watch you move your ass to the table so we can eat.” He put the basket of fresh buns on the counter and nudged them toward Rory. “Take those with you.”

  Rory scooped the buns off the counter and slid off the stool. “You’d best follow me, Andrew. This one gets snippy when people don’t listen to him.”

  Andrew did as he was told and followed Rory to the dining room. Rory placed the basket of bread in the center of the small round table and took a seat. Three places had already been set with bowls and spoons. Rory pulled his foot up and rested his heel on the seat of the chair, then wrapped his arms around his leg and set his chin on his knee. Rory sometimes reminded Andrew of a cat, all grace and flexibility who could find comfort in any position.

  “How did you and Nick meet?” Rory asked as Nick swept into the room with a large soup tureen.

  Andrew’s face heated, and he stared at the floor. “He tossed me in the drunk tank.” He lifted his gaze and when he found no reproach in Rory’s expression, he continued. “You, ah, probably heard about my unfortunate crush.”

  Rory nodded and glanced at Nick as he quietly served everyone a bowl of lentil soup. “Nicky, love, you forgot the butter.”

  Andrew continued talking while Nick hurried back to retrieve the butter. “Well, I was out one night feeling particularly sorry for myself and I overdid it. I stumbled into Nick and barely managed not to throw up all over him, then he tossed me in the drunk tank with the rest of the delinquents.”

  Andrew felt a hand on his arm and turned to look at Nick, who leaned close enough to steal a kiss. “You’re not a delinquent. Now eat before it gets cold.”

  He looked down at his soup and his stomach rumbled. “This smells better than Everett’s.”

  Rory laughed as he tore a bun in half and slathered it with some sort of vegan non-butter, butter spread. “Don’t tell Everett that or he may never feed you again.”

  Andrew laughed and grabbed his spoon. “He pretty much has no choice. Him and X l
ike to cook more than they like to eat. Whenever they’re doing a big feast, I’m ordered to dinner that night and they send me h with enough leftovers to feed an army.”

  Nick looked at him with a gleam of appreciation in his eyes. “I like you well fed.”

  Ducking his head, he stared at his soup. “Construction takes a lot of calories. And whatever I don’t think I can finish I give away. There’s a guy on my route to work who has unwittingly been enjoying the offerings of The Crock Cock for months.”

  Over dinner he watched Rory and Nick interact. He never noticed if they were purposely trying to include him, or if it came natural for them to do so, but they often asked him questions, or kept the conversation on subjects that he’d be able to contribute too. Sitting there with the two men, eating dinner, it felt so casual and so right that he had to remind himself that this was real.

  “I’ll tidy up while you boys go pick a movie.” Rory stood and gathered the empty dishes.

  Nick took Andrew’s hand and led him to the living room. A large black leather sectional couch sat against one wall and faced a sizeable flat screen television. “Rory has a thousand DVDs and blu rays in those cupboards under there, but he also subscribes to a bunch of streaming services.”

  He watched Nick open the cupboard, and he stared at the wall of DVD’s in front of him. “Oh don’t make me choose. I pretty much watch the same five movies over and over.”

  Nick turned. “What ones?”

  “Gladiator, Braveheart,” Andrew blushed and moved closer to the wall of DVD’s and pretended to be looking at them. “Dirty Dancing. Mrs. Winterbourne, and Ever After.”

  “Rory loves Ever After. He can quote it in his sleep.” Nick reached up and plucked the movie from the shelf. Andrew made himself comfortable on the sofa and was pleasantly surprised when Nick sat so close to him that their thighs touched. He reached over and entwined their fingers. Rory came in from the kitchen and killed the lights on the way to the couch. The only light in the room was now provided by the television. He watched as Rory sat on the other side of Nick and snuggled into his side. Nick leaned back and put his feet up on the coffee table.