Explicit Memory

by Scarlett Finn

  Drawing in a breath, Flick blew it out silently through circled lips. She wanted to reassure him, to tell him that they would have those things again and that this was only temporary. But she couldn’t make that promise, and as he’d pointed out, if anyone was listening Flick couldn’t take the risk that the Merciers would assume they were being duped.

  ‘You’re getting better at the romance,’ she said, forcing herself to smile between the fresh tracks of tears on her cheeks.

  ‘I can only be honest with you, Kit. I didn’t realise how much those dumb little things... I didn’t know they mattered... I can’t think straight without you here.’

  ‘Yes, you can,’ she said, determined that he wouldn’t doubt himself. ‘This is what you do. You’ve always done your job well, and I shouldn’t affect your ability to do it.’

  ‘But you do.’

  ‘You’re doing it for me,’ she said. ‘You’re going to work hard for me because it makes me happy to know that you are out there doing what you believe in. How is Tawny?’

  ‘Ignorant.’

  ‘Eric and Liam?’

  ‘Eric was in Silver’s getting his rocks off last night,’ Rushe said. ‘Haven’t seen Liam in a few days.’

  Judgement made her frown. ‘What does Jocelyn say about that?’

  ‘Joce? I don’t think she’s that worried about Liam. He’ll turn up.’

  ‘That’s not what I meant, and—‘

  ‘How do you know about her?’ Rushe asked.

  ‘Eric talks when he drives. You never told me that you’d met Gracie.’

  ‘We shouldn’t talk about that now,’ Rushe said.

  ‘No... I hate that there are restrictions on us.’

  ‘I hate that there’s distance between us. You know how I feel about my access to you.’

  The only thing that should restrict his access to her was Flick’s own wishes, and if it was within her power she would never restrict him.

  ‘We’re going to be ok, Lover. We’re going to survive.’

  ‘That’s not enough for me anymore.’

  A sob escaped her lips and she immediately sucked her lips between her teeth to prevent more of her heartache conveying to him. Surviving had been what Rushe’s existence was before her, and she gave him more to live for now. Flick understood what he meant because she too wondered now how she had ever lived without him.

  ‘I am your woman, but we can’t keep doing this to ourselves. We have to accept where we are, accept what is going on, and make the most of it.’

  ‘Make the most of it?’ Rushe said. ‘There is nothing without you.’

  ‘Yes, there is. You have a life there, and a job, and Tawny needs you.’

  ‘If you think I’m gonna—‘

  ‘Get over me, Rushe,’ she said, aware that it was unlikely that would ever happen. ‘Put me out of your mind, and do what is right for the job. Get your guard up, put up those shutters. I’m just a ‘ho, remember? A woman you fucked for a while. A dumb little bitch who enjoyed sucking your cock.’

  ‘Do you think I could convince myself of any of that?’

  ‘Yes,’ Flick said. ‘I’ve seen how you can hold yourself away from things. Why is this different?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Rushe said. ‘I’ve never been like this, but... you’re in my head all the time.’

  ‘Then put me out of your head, do whatever you need to do to forget about me. I’ll survive. No one is hurting me here. I’ll take care of things from this side. I’m holding up my end of the deal to keep everyone safe, and I will do whatever it takes to maintain that.’

  ‘What is “whatever it takes”?’ he asked.

  ‘You know what it means,’ Flick said, trying to set her shoulders and level her tone. ‘If I have to walk down that aisle or lay down in his bed, I will do it, Rushe. Please make no mistake about that.’

  ‘You will not,’ he snarled. ‘I will not allow it.’

  ‘You can’t come here,’ Flick said. ‘They’ll arrest you, and you will not achieve your goal. I will still have to do those things.’

  ‘You won’t,’ he insisted. ‘I’ll come there now and get you, if you think—‘

  ‘I could go to him now,’ Flick said. ‘Go to his bed, would that make it easier? If you hate me, if I’m damaged and dirty, will that erase your love for me?’

  Flick could never do it, she could never go to Antoine, as much because she would be physically sick if he thought about touching her. But angry, Rushe was focused and determined, not distracted and confused.

  ‘You will not go to him. You will not let him touch you. No one touches what is mine.’

  ‘I make the decisions on what I do with my body,’ Flick said. ‘You cannot stop me, but he can stop you, and I don’t want you to give him grounds to do that. Don’t you see that if he gets you into that jail cell, he’ll keep me anyway? If you’re in there, then what do I have left out here to fight for? If I have to marry him, and live my life with him, I’ll do it knowing that you are out in the world free, and doing good noble work. I am one woman, Rushe. You can easily replace me.’

  ‘Don’t talk like that,’ he barked. ‘I hate when you talk like that.’

  ‘I told you where the smart money was if it came down to a choice, and I am making that choice for us... You need to be out there. Here, this is where I am supposed to be. This was what my life was meant to be. At least now, after my time with you, it has more meaning. By being here, living here, and spending my life in this society, I have a greater purpose. I’m not here just because my father wants me to improve his family connections. I am here to make sure that you can do your work without fear of retribution, retribution that was only brought back to you because of me anyway.’

  ‘That’s not true.’

  ‘If you’d slept with Simone, then the Merciers would have had no reason to doubt you,’ Flick conceded. ‘You might have had more time to get Serendipity out yourself.’

  ‘Or we all could have died.’

  ‘Maybe,’ Flick said. ‘But there’s no point in arguing about the past. We are here now. Everyone is alive and the only thing we had to give up was our love.’

  ‘And that’s acceptable to you?’

  ‘If there weren’t so many other lives at stake...’

  ‘What?’ he asked when her words tailed off.

  ‘I am with Antoine now, Rushe. You have to accept that.’

  ‘I won’t.’

  ‘You have to. That is the way it is and the way it will remain. I will share my life with him, or as much of it as he wants me to... and I’ll share my body too.’

  ‘No—‘

  ‘Goodbye, Rushe.’

  Every nerve in her body fizzed as she lowered the phone from her ear. Though Flick could still hear him shouting, she let her thumb drift over the disconnect button to compress it, silencing her lover’s protests.

  Saying the words out loud to Rushe was easier than believing them. But they were words that had to be said. They had to say goodbye, because their love incapacitated them. It had got them to here, but it couldn’t get them out.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Her conversation with Rushe constantly plagued her thoughts, but she didn’t know if Antoine, or anyone else in the household, knew that it had happened. Nobody had said anything to her about it, and Antoine had taken her out for another date the previous night. That date gave him the opportunity to reveal his knowledge of the interaction between her and her love, but he didn’t.

  However, it was less than forty-eight hours after that telephone conversation in the library that Antoine walked into her bedroom after her bedtime shower and demanded that she pack her things, because they were leaving. Flick didn’t have time to ask questions, but she packed up some items in a backpack and met him outside the Hughes’ house less than an hour later.

  It became clear that her family thought they were going somewhere for a romantic getaway, though Antoine told them that the hasty departure was due to urgent, unfo
reseen business. Flick knew that no romance was involved, but she got the impression the real reason wasn’t any kind of official business, either. For one thing, he didn’t have to take her anywhere for legal business.

  Antoine spent most of the time in the car talking in abstract terms that Flick didn’t care about. He conducted business on the phone and with the associate of his who accompanied them. They were discussing a deal involving some land that they wanted to build on, but she didn’t pay attention to the specifics.

  The night rolled past the window, and after a couple of hours travelling Flick fell asleep in the back of the car. Sunrise had arrived by the time they reached their destination, and she was awoken when car doors slammed. They were in a parking garage, and it was only after she clambered out and was led to an elevator that she found out they were in a hotel.

  Flick’s lip curled when she caught scent of the fresh linen and shampooed carpets. The smell reminded her too much of the Waterside Hotel, the primary location of their last job. But the suite they arrived at was sumptuous and spacious, and it gave her distance from Antoine, who left her in a bedroom and disappeared with his cronies.

  Her purpose here hadn’t been defined so she washed up, took a nap, and read until it was time to go downstairs for dinner, which she did alone. Being by herself, and with no Rushe to tempt, she didn’t bother to go to any effort. She wore skinny jeans and a loose fitting cotton top that hung over her derriere. Flick pulled her hair back, tying it high on her head, and then put her feet in wide-heeled clog mules.

  Dinner was delicious and perfectly prepared for her to enjoy in these luxurious surroundings. She took her time, as the only thing waiting for her upstairs was Antoine and his men, so there was no rush... in either sense. After her dinner, Flick ordered another bottle of wine, as she was happier to while away the time down here alone than up there under their scrutiny.

  This would be her life now, trailing around the country after a man who couldn’t care less about her, or if she was occupied, let alone if she was happy. She craved something to do, something with meaning. But she’d found it increasingly difficult to concentrate, as there didn’t seem to be any point to anything in her life anymore.

  The wine helped her lose herself in a now familiar fog that was more comforting than facing reality. Her current bottle was almost finished, and Flick was considering ordering another, when she saw Antoine come in with his associate in his wake. They came straight to the table, and she was hauled up to her feet by Antoine. Already off balance because of the booze in her system, Flick’s knees gave, but he yanked her upright.

  ‘What do you think you’re—‘

  ‘We have business,’ Antoine said, and pulled her across the room, through the diners who watched on with interest.

  Flick was dragged to the street, where there were two limos parked in a row on the kerb. She and Antoine got into the second car with his associate, and then they were moving.

  ‘What is going on?’ she asked, trying not to fumble her words over her coiled tongue and slowed senses. Antoine was clearly sneering at her, and though she knew her intoxication would irk him, Flick didn’t expect him to be so dramatically angry about it. ‘Would you tell me what the fuck—‘

  ‘You are no lady,’ Antoine barked. ‘You sit and you drink, you get yourself into a disgusting state as this, no man would tolerate it.’

  ‘No man that I want would have to,’ Flick said, spreading her hands on the vacant seats at each of her sides. Antoine and his associate sat in the facing seats with their back to the unseen driver. ‘I get drunk because the prospect of spending so much as one more second with you sickens me.’

  ‘Things are going to be different now. You will be watched at all times. We will hire you an attendee, your family will consider this person present to cater for your whims. But his job will be to ensure you maintain an appropriate standard. You will not embarrass us.’

  Flick didn’t like to be chastised, and from the way the associate observed, she could tell he enjoyed watching her be put in her place. ‘What about your behaviour? Dragging me around the country for no good reason. You should’ve left me at my parents’ house. We shouldn’t be around each other any more than we absolutely have to be. You don’t like me, and I don’t like you. Let’s base our marriage on that.’

  ‘Au contraire,’ Antoine said, shifting to the front edge of the seat to lean across toward her. ‘We will be spending far more time with each other.’

  ‘Why would we—‘

  ‘You will be in my bed tonight.’

  ‘No,’ she said, and insects scurried across her skin when she saw how he leered at her chest.

  ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘I would not marry a woman I cannot be intimate with. You will obey, and you will ensure my gratification. If I am unhappy, then your friends will suffer.’

  ‘I told you I would not—‘

  ‘You are unreasonable,’ Antoine said. ‘You will learn to respect me. Every night you will dedicate yourself to my pleasure until you learn how to behave and to do as you are told. You are my subordinate, Felicity, and I will not allow you to assume otherwise. I have been patient. We have moved through our courtship, but it is time to consummate our union, and you will be happy for the opportunity. You have distressed me with your actions, with your drinking and your attitude; this will teach you your rightful place.’

  ‘Teach me?’

  ‘If you are not willing to learn, then our arrangement shall be terminated.’

  ‘What got you so pissed off tonight?’ she asked, almost ready to spit in his face again. ‘Did my father call you out for the fraud that you are?’

  ‘I am not fraudulent,’ Antoine said, resting back in his seat again. ‘You are conning your family, and you believe that you can play me for a fool... You spoke to your former lover.’

  Flick bristled. ‘How do you know about that?’

  ‘My man overheard you talking in the library,’ Antoine said, without looking at the associate, but the associate present turned his eyes away from her and that told Flick all that she needed to know.

  ‘You were listening into my phone call?’

  ‘I am entitled to do whatever I wish with the woman affianced to me,’ Antoine said. ‘You told your love that we were intimate, and that you would share your body with me. I intend to take you up on that.’

  ‘It wasn’t an offer,’ Flick said, wondering how much of their phone conversation had been eavesdropped on. ‘I was trying to keep him from ripping out your entrails through your testicles.’

  ‘If he attempts to hurt me, then all of you will die.’

  ‘It wouldn’t make much of a difference to you if we were dead, because you’d be dead already. Rushe doesn’t want to hurt you, he wants to kill you, and he always gets the man in his crosshairs... eventually.’

  ‘Threatening me serves no purpose, these threats are all empty. Rushe cannot hurt me, because I have you.’

  ‘In body only,’ Flick said.

  ‘You wish for him to move on,’ Antoine said. ‘To accept the way things are, and we do not want him to complicate matters.’

  ‘He’s not complicating anything. He’s doing what you want him to, he is where you want him to be.’

  ‘For now,’ Antoine said. ‘We do not trust that he, or your friends, appreciate the full scope of our power.’

  ‘Why?’ Flick asked. ‘Why now? What’s changed?’

  Antoine’s foul mood had come from somewhere, and this trip had been completely unexpected. Something must have happened to cause these changes, except she couldn’t believe that a single phone call between her and her lover would cause such consternation.

  ‘There has been a development,’ Antoine said.

  ‘What development?’ Flick said, trying not to smile as she thought about how Rushe may have gotten one up on the Merciers.

  If there had been a plan in motion, her love wouldn’t have shared it with her on the phone, not while they couldn’t be sure if
there were other ears listening in or not. From what she could gather, Antoine’s associate had only eavesdropped, so that meant they’d only heard her side of the conversation, though she didn’t know how much of it.

  She had to be ready for anything, because if something had occurred that got the Frenchman this unsettled, then it was likely she would be further endangered, or used as some sort of bait, but she was ready.

  Just because she didn’t know what Rushe’s plan was didn’t mean she wouldn’t do all she could to support it. He’d told her once that he trusted her instinct, and when all else failed her instinct was to go to Rushe, and to trust him. If she had a role to play in this, then Rushe would make it clear to her when the time was right.

  Only now did she take the time to look through the rain-soaked vehicle window to try and see through the artificial light sparkling in the night surrounding them. As she peered out Flick began to notice familiar features, then she saw the diner that she and Rushe had had breakfast in, and used the phone in. Flick sat upright.

  Antoine’s smirk came back around to her. ‘He will learn.’

  The car came to a halt, and Flick had no time to respond. The door beside her was opened and she was snatched. Catching her heel on the car door sill, she fell onto the sidewalk, scraping her palms in the process. When she was bodily lifted from the kerb, Flick had to curl her toes to keep her shoes on her feet as she was hefted around her waist, and brought up under the arm of one of the goons.

  With a scan around, she saw that they were outside Silver’s brothel. The other car was parked in front of the one that Antoine and his associate were currently getting out of, and must have been where the goons emerged from so quickly.

  ‘Flick!’ Cody’s voice pierced the night.

  Still, she hung under the arm of the man who had pulled her from the car, but she raised her focus to see Cody on his feet by the door, franticly looking between the half dozen men closing in on him.