Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far)

by Dave Barry

  JANUARY

  …when President George W. Bush is sworn in for a second term, pledging in his inauguration speech that, over the next four years, he will continue, to the best of his ability, trying to pronounce big words. In a strongly worded rebuttal, the Democratic leadership points out that when you get right down to it, there IS no Democratic leadership.

  In other government news, President Bush’s nominee to be U.S. attorney general, Alberto Gonzales, undergoes a grueling Senate hearing in which Democrats probe him repeatedly about his views on torture. At one point, the Democrats threaten that if Gonzales does not give them the information they want, they will force him to listen, without ear protection, to a question from Sen. Joe Biden. “No!” screams Gonzales. “Anything but that!”

  On the social front, Donald Trump, in a lavish ceremony attended by many celebrities and helicopter pilots, marries his third or fourth wife, the lovely Mrs. Trophy Supermodel Trump. After the traditional Blessing of the Prenup, the couple retires to the honeymoon suite for an intimate evening involving champagne, scented candles, and a team of eight apprentices.

  Johnny Carson, an oasis of wit in the wasteland, signs off for good.

  In sports, the winner of the Orange Bowl—and thus the national college football championship—is Lance Armstrong, who is once again suspected of being on something.

  Meanwhile, in Iraq, the first free elections in half a century are held under tense but generally scary conditions, with more than eight million Iraqis turning out to elect a National Assembly, whose idealistic goal in the coming months will be to not get blown up.

  But the mood is more upbeat in…

  FEBRUARY

  …which dawns on a hopeful note in the Middle East, where Israelis and Palestinians, after decades of bitter violence and short-lived truces, are finally able to…

  Never mind.

  In other hopeful news, President Bush, seeking to patch up the troubled relationship between the United States and its European allies, embarks on a four-nation tour. When critics note that two of the nations are not actually located in Europe, the White House responds that the president was “acting on the best intelligence available at the time.”

  On the domestic front, the president proposes, in his State of the Union speech, a plan to privatize Social Security so that it will be, quote, “more privatized.” In response, the Democratic leadership pledges to churn out irate press releases for a while, then totally loses interest. Within hours, Washington is back to normal as both sides resume the tedious but important bipartisan work of jacking up the federal deficit.

  In sports, the Super Bowl is held for the first time in Jacksonville. Defying critics who mocked it as a backwater hick town, Jacksonville manages to host a fine event, marred only by the 143 spectators killed or wounded during the halftime raccoon shoot.

  On the social front, Prince Charles gets formally engaged to Camilla Parker Bowles. The British public responds with sincere and heartfelt wishes that the happy couple will not reproduce.

  In New York’s Central Park, the artists Christo and Jeanne-Claude create The Gates—a twenty-three-mile-long work consisting of 7,503 fabric-draped metal structures. Within twenty minutes, every single one of these structures has been urinated on by a dog.

  A study by researchers at the University of Utah proves what many people have long suspected: Everybody talking on a cell phone, except you, is a moron.

  Meanwhile, as the nationwide identity theft epidemic worsens, FBI director Robert S. Mueller III pledges that he will make it the top priority of the bureau to find, and prosecute, the individuals charging stuff to his American Express card.

  Speaking of financial hanky-panky, in…

  MARCH

  …a federal jury convicts former WorldCom executive Bernie Ebbers in connection with an $11 billion fraud that led to the bankruptcy of the telecom giant. Upon Ebbers’s arrival at the federal prison, nearly $7 billion is recovered doing what shaken guards later describe as “the cavity search from hell.”

  In economic news, financially troubled Delta Airlines announces that it will no longer offer pillows on its flights because passengers keep eating them. But the economy gets a boost when the jobless rate plummets, as hundreds of thousands of unemployed cable TV legal experts are hired to comment on the trial of Michael Jackson. Jackson is charged with ten counts of being a space alien freakadelic weirdo. Everybody agrees this will be very difficult to prove in California.

  In a related story, a California jury finds that actor Robert Blake did not kill his wife. The jury also rules that John Wilkes Booth had nothing to do with the Lincoln assassination and that bears do not poop in the woods. In other celebrity legal news, Martha Stewart is released from prison. The next morning, in a chilling coincidence, all of the witnesses who testified against Martha wake up and discover, to their utter horror, that their sheets no longer match their pillowcases.

  Meanwhile, in Washington, the U.S. House of Representatives takes time out from jacking up the deficit to look into the baffling mystery of whether professional baseball players suddenly develop gigantic muscles because they use steroids, or what. Former St. Louis Cardinal star Mark McGwire, who once held the major-league record for most home runs in a single season, arouses suspicions when he repeatedly denies, under oath, that he ever played professional baseball.

  But the major issue facing our elected leaders in March clearly is not whether a bunch of overpaid athletes cheated. No, at a time when the nation is beset by serious problems in so many critical areas—including Iraq, terrorism, the economy, energy, education, and health care—the issue that obsesses our elected leaders to the point of paralyzing government at the federal, state, and local levels for weeks is: Terri Schiavo’s feeding tube. This, unfortunately, is not a joke.

  In entertainment news, controversial anchorman Dan Rather retires from CBS News with a poignant farewell speech, cut short when he is teleported up to the Mothership.

  Speaking of people who read from TelePrompTers, in…

  APRIL

  …President Bush, in a decisive response to sharply rising gasoline prices, delivers a major speech proposing that Americans switch to nuclear-powered cars. In a strongly worded rebuttal, angry congressional Democrats state that because of a scheduling mix-up, they missed the president’s speech, but whatever he said they totally disagree with it, and if they once voted in favor of it they did so only because the president lied to them.

  In other Washington news, the U.S. Senate approves the appointment of John Negroponte to become the nation’s first intelligence czar. His immediate task is to locate his office, which, according to a dossier compiled by the CIA, FBI, NSA, and military intelligence, is, quote, “probably somewhere in the United States or Belgium.”

  On the economic front, financially troubled Delta Air Lines switches to pay toilets on domestic flights.

  In Rome, the College of Cardinals gathers following the death of beloved pope John Paul II. As the world waits breathlessly, the cardinals, after two days of secret deliberations, order white smoke to be sent up the Sistine Chapel chimney, signaling that they have made their decision: Robert Blake is definitely guilty.

  In sports, Tiger Woods claims his fourth Masters title with a dramatic play-off win over a surprisingly dogged Lance Armstrong.

  As April draws to a close, the nation focuses its eyeballs on bride-to-be Jennifer Wilbanks, whose claim that she was abducted just before her wedding is undermined by a widely circulated photo of her in which her pupils appear to be the size of dinner plates. When it becomes clear that nothing actually happened—that there was no abduction and that Wilbanks is basically just a troubled person—the news media drop the story and move on to more important matters.

  Ha-ha! Seriously, as April morphs into…

  MAY

  …the Runaway Bride story totally dominates the news, becoming so gigantically huge that some cable TV news shows are forced to divert precious resources from the
Michael Jackson trial. But in the end sanity prevails, and Wilbanks is forced to accept responsibility for the trouble she has caused, ultimately selling media rights to her story for a reported $500,000.

  In other show business news, millions of middle-aged people without dates wet their Luke Skywalker–model underpants with joy as they view the final installment of the beloved Star Wars series, Star Wars MXCVII: Enough Already. Fans hail it as the least tedious Star Wars in decades; many are stunned by the surprise ending, when it turns out that Darth Vader is actually Robert Blake. Director George Lucas announces that, having fulfilled his artistic dream, he will now retire and learn to write dialogue.

  Tom Cruise, seeking to counter the increasingly widespread view that he is an orbiting space module, jumps up and down on Oprah’s couch.

  In world news, members of the newly elected Iraqi parliament demonstrate a surprisingly sophisticated grasp of the principles of American-style democracy by voting to build a $223 million bridge to a virtually uninhabited island off the coast of Alaska.

  Elsewhere abroad, European Union leaders are stunned when the proposed EU constitution is overwhelmingly rejected by French voters, who apparently do not care for the Deodorant Clause. President Bush visits Russia for an important photo opportunity, after which he describes Russia as “a foreign country where they speak Russian,” an assertion that is immediately challenged by congressional Democrats.

  The U.S. Senate reaches an agreement ending a stalemate over the confirmation of Bush-appointed judges, thus avoiding the so-called nuclear option, according to which Sen. Joe Biden would be allowed to ask a question, thereby shutting the federal government down for months.

  Financially troubled Delta Air Lines, hoping to boost ticket sales, introduces a new “student discount” fare, which will apply to flights where the airplane is being flown by student pilots.

  In media news, the editor of Newsweek magazine retracts a report that guards at the Guantánamo Bay prison flushed a Koran down a toilet in front of a Muslim detainee. “It turns out,” the editor states, “that it was actually the detainee who was flushed down the toilet. Boy, is our face red!”

  But the biggest media shocker occurs when “Deep Throat,” the Watergate source whose identity has been a tantalizing secret for more than thirty years, is finally revealed—in a stunning and unforgettable development that sends shock waves of shock throughout the world—to be…Let me just check Google here…OK, it was some guy nobody ever heard of. But it was totally unexpected.

  Speaking of unexpected, in…

  JUNE

  …a California jury acquits Michael Jackson on all charges of everything, including any crimes he may or may not commit in the future. “We simply felt that the prosecution did not prove its case,” states the jury foreman, Robert Blake. Jackson announces that he no longer feels welcome in the United States and will move to another dimension.

  In disturbing medical news, a new study of one thousand Americans finds that obesity in the United States has gotten so bad that there actually were, upon closer scrutiny, only six hundred Americans involved in the study.

  On the economic front, financially troubled Delta Air Lines, looking to reduce skyrocketing fuel costs, introduces a new “no frills” glider service, offering daily flights from Atlanta to “some location between one and fifteen miles from Atlanta.”

  Meanwhile, the U.S. film industry, in the midst of the worst box office slump in twenty years, looks for possible explanations as to why Americans are not flocking to movie theaters. In a totally unrelated development, The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl opens nationwide, to be followed in coming months by The Dukes of Hazzard and Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.

  Israeli and Palestinian leaders reach an agreement under which Israel will withdraw its settlers from the Gaza Strip, arousing peace hopes in amnesia victims everywhere. In response to this historic development, Fox newsperson Greta Van Susteren heads for Aruba to report personally on the Natalee Holloway disappearance.

  Hurricane season officially begins, with a spokesman for the National Hurricane Center warning that, quote, “This could be one of the most active sEEEEEEEEE…” His body is never found.

  The U.S. Supreme Court, in a Solomonic ruling on a display of the Ten Commandments at the Texas Capitol, allows the display to remain, but orders the state to correct all 137 spelling errors. The Supreme Court remains in the news in…

  JULY

  …when Justice Sandra Day O’Connor announces her retirement, setting off a heated debate between right-wing groups who think the president should appoint a conservative to replace her and left-wing groups who think the president should drop dead. Eventually, Bush nominates a man going by the moniker of “John Roberts,” who, in the tradition of recent Supreme Court nominees, refuses to reveal anything about himself and wears a Zorro-style mask to protect his secret identity. In response, Democrats on the Senate Judiciary Committee, led by Sen. Joe Biden, vow to, quote, “get on television A LOT.”

  But the juiciest story by far in Washington is the riveting scandal involving New York Times reporter Judith Miller, who is jailed for refusing to answer questions before a grand jury, called by special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, who is trying to find out whether the name of CIA agent Valerie Plame was leaked to columnist Robert Novak by an administration source such as presidential confidants Karl Rove or Ari Fleischer, or Lewis “Scooter” Libby, chief of staff to vice president Dick “Dick” Cheney, in an effort to discredit Plame’s husband, former ambassador Joseph Wilson, in connection with the use of allegedly unreliable documents concerning…Hey! Wake up! This is important!

  Anyway, this scandal totally rivets everybody in Washington, D.C., although it fails to gain traction in the continental United States, where the average citizen has enough trouble remembering his e-mail password and is not about to waste precious brain cells on Scooter.

  The troubled U.S. manned-spaceflight program hits yet another snag when, moments before the “return to space” launch of space shuttle Discovery, a technician notices that the shuttle and its booster rockets are pointed at the ground, instead of space. The launch is delayed for several days while workers repaint the THIS SIDE UP arrows.

  In weather news, the formation of Hurricane Dennis is followed closely by the formation of Hurricane Emily, arousing suspicions among some staffers at headquarters of the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) that hurricane season might be going on. It is agreed that somebody probably should look into this and write a report no later than Halloween.

  Abroad, the news from London is grim as four terrorist bombs wreak deadly havoc on the city’s transit systems, prompting Greta Van Susteren to do a series of urgent personal reports from Aruba on how these attacks could affect the investigation into the Natalee Holloway disappearance.

  In sports, Lance Armstrong rides down the Champs-Elysées, raising his arms in a triumphant gesture, which causes the French army to surrender instantly.

  No, sorry; that was a cheap shot. One unit held out for nearly an hour.

  In book news, millions of youngsters snap up the latest in the Harry Potter series, Harry Potter Must Be, Like, 32 Years Old by Now. The book has a surprise plot twist that upsets some fans: Beloved Hogwarts headmaster Albus Dumbledore is killed by Severus Snape, who, moments later, is acquitted by a California jury.

  Speaking of surprises that nobody could have predicted, in…

  AUGUST

  …Baltimore Orioles star Rafael Palmeiro, who vigorously denied steroid use when he testified before Congress in March, is forced to change his story when, in the seventh inning of a game against Cleveland, both of his forearms explode.

  Meanwhile, in yet another blow to the troubled U.S. manned-spaceflight program, a Discovery crew member is forced to undertake a risky space walk when a technician notices a terrified NASA painter clinging to the shuttle fuselage. Then, because of bad weather, Discovery must divert from Cape Canaveral and land at Chicago’s
O’Hare Airport, where the crew is forced to wait for nearly two hours at baggage claim. NASA suspends the shuttle program, saying it will look into other options, including a possible joint venture with Delta Air Lines.

  In other science news, South Korean scientists—I am not making this item up—clone a dog. This one is too easy.

  In Washington, President Bush bypasses Congress with a recess appointment of his controversial nominee John Bolton to be U.S. ambassador to the United Nations. Bolton immediately signals a new tone in American diplomacy by punching out the ambassador from Yemen in a dispute involving the UN cafeteria salad bar.

  In other foreign-policy news, the Rev. Pat Robertson states on his Christian Broadcasting Network show that the U.S. should assassinate Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez. Responding to harsh criticism, the Rev. Robertson retracts this statement several days later with the explanation, “Evidently, I am a raving lunatic.”

  On the economic front, there is bad news and good news. The bad news is, gasoline prices are reaching $3 a gallon. The good news is, with the manufacturer’s rebate, you can buy a new Hummer for $167.

  But by far the biggest story in August is Hurricane Katrina, a massive, deadly storm that thrashes Florida, then heads into the Gulf of Mexico. For decades, experts have been warning that such a storm, if it were to hit New Orleans, would devastate the city; now it becomes clear that this is exactly what is about to happen. For days, meteorologists are on television warning, dozens of times per hour, that Katrina will, in fact, hit New Orleans with devastating results. Armed with this advance knowledge, government officials at the local, state, and federal levels are in a position to be totally, utterly shocked when Katrina—of all things—devastates New Orleans. For several days, chaos reigns, with most of the relief effort taking the form of Geraldo Rivera, who, by his own estimate, saves more than 170,000 people.

  FEMA director Michael Brown, after conducting an aerial survey, reports that “the situation is improving,” only to be informed that the area he surveyed was actually Phoenix. For her part, Greta Van Susteren personally broadcasts many timely reports from Aruba on how the Katrina devastation will affect the ongoing Natalee Holloway investigation.