Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far)

by Dave Barry

  It is not until…

  SEPTEMBER

  …that the full magnitude of the New Orleans devastation sinks in and local, state, and federal officials manage to get their act together and begin the difficult, painstaking work of blaming each other for screwing up. Urged on by President Bush, Congress votes to spend what could wind up being more than $200 billion to repair the Gulf Coast and fix up New Orleans so that it will be just as good as new when the next devastating hurricane devastates it.

  With the horror of Katrina fresh in everyone’s mind, a new hurricane, Rita, draws a bead on the Gulf Coast, causing millions of panicky Texans to get into their cars and flee an average distance of 150 feet before they become stuck in a monster traffic jam, where some remain for more than twelve hours. “It was hell,” reports one traumatized victim. “The classic rock station played ‘Daydream Believer,’ like, fifty-three freaking times.”

  President Bush, after an aerial tour of the devastated region, tells reporters that he always kind of liked “Daydream Believer.”

  In nonhurricane news, the Senate confirms the Supreme Court nominee known as “John Roberts” after the Judiciary Committee spends several fruitless days trying to trick him into expressing an opinion by asking trap questions such as “Can you tell us the capital of Vermont and your views on abortion?” The only moment of drama comes when Sen. Joe Biden launches into his opening remarks, thus causing several committee members, who forgot to insert earplugs, to lapse into comas.

  In other political news, Republicans, already wounded by a series of ethical scandals, are dealt yet another blow when House majority leader Tom DeLay is indicted for robbing a convenience store. DeLay insists that this is a common practice in Congress; indignant Democrats respond that they can prove they were playing poker on the night in question. None of this is expected to seriously impact the Natalee Holloway investigation, according to Greta Van Susteren, reporting live from Aruba.

  The month’s biggest drama takes place at Los Angeles International Airport, where, as millions of people watch on live TV, a JetBlue airliner with the nose wheel turned sideways manages to land safely, after which it is immediately purchased by NASA.

  In international news, North Korea, following months of negotiations with the U.S. and other concerned nations, agrees to stop producing nuclear weapons in exchange for one of those new iPods. The United Nations Security Council censures John Bolton for giving noogies to the ambassador from Sweden.

  Speaking of appointees, in…

  OCTOBER

  …President Bush, needing to make another appointment to the Supreme Court, conducts a thorough and painstaking investigation of every single woman lawyer within an eight-foot radius of his desk. He concludes that the best person for the job is White House counsel Harriet Miers, who, in the tradition of such legendary justices as Felix Frankfurter, Louis Brandeis, and Oliver Wendell Holmes, is a carbon-based life-form.

  The nomination immediately runs into trouble when Miers, though reportedly a nice churchgoing person and a good bowler, turns out to be not such an expert on constitutional law, at one point expressing the view that the Fourth Amendment requires restaurant employees to wash their hands after using the restroom. (In fact, it is the Seventh Amendment.)

  Ultimately, Miers withdraws her name. The president, after conducting another exhaustive search, decides to appoint “John Roberts” again, because it worked out so well the first time. Informed by his aides that there could be some legal problem with this tactic, the president finally decides to nominate Samuel Alito. Democrats immediately announce that they strongly oppose Alito and intend to do some research soon to find out why.

  In Congress, Tom DeLay’s ethical woes worsen as he is indicted on additional charges of hijacking a train.

  As fears of a worldwide avian flu epidemic mount, the surgeon general warns Americans against having unprotected sex with birds. Fortunately, there is no sign yet of the deadly disease on Aruba, thus allowing the Natalee Holloway investigation to continue unimpeded, according to on-the-scene reporter Greta Van Susteren.

  In Iraq, Saddam Hussein goes on trial, facing charges of genocide, human rights violations, and failure to pay more than $173 billion in parking tickets. In his opening statement, the defiant former dictator tells the court he intends to prove that these crimes were actually committed by Tom DeLay.

  On the weather front, Hurricane Wilma blasts across Florida, knocking out power to the eight homes that still had electricity after the seventeen previous hurricanes to hit the state this year. Critics, noting that Wilma was not a particularly strong storm, ask why Florida Power & Light’s utility poles seem to fall down every time a moth passes gas. FPL officials attempt to answer these charges in a press conference but their microphones keep tipping over.

  In sports, the National Hockey League, amid much hoopla, resumes play, fueling rumors that the league must have, at some point, stopped playing. Immediately, dozens of fights break out, all of them won by Lance Armstrong.

  Speaking of conflict, in…

  NOVEMBER

  …Americans find themselves heatedly debating a difficult question: Is it truly in the nation’s best interests for its citizens to be fighting, and suffering heavy casualties, to achieve the elusive—some say impossible—goal of buying a laptop computer marked down to $300 at Wal-Mart the day after Thanksgiving? For many Americans, the answer is a resounding yes, as they observe the official start of the Christmas shopping season at 5 a.m. on Nov. 25 with the traditional Trampling of the Elderly, Slow-Moving Shoppers while the mall p.a. system interrupts “O Come, All Ye Faithful” with urgent requests for paramedics. The season’s hottest gift is the Microsoft Xbox 360 gaming system, which is in big demand because (1) it’s really cool and (2) Microsoft apparently made, like, three of them.

  Also heating up in November is the debate over Iraq, with even Vice President Dick Cheney joining in, fueling rumors that he is still alive. President Bush makes a series of strong speeches, stating that while he “will not impugn the patriotism” of those who oppose his administration’s policies, they are “traitor scum.” This outrages congressional Democrats, who respond with a two-pronged strategy of (1) demanding that the troops be brought home and (2) voting overwhelmingly against a resolution to bring the troops home.

  True item: During the debate on Iraq, Rep. Marion Berry (D-Ark.) calls Rep. Jeb Hensarling (R-Tex.) “a Howdy Doody–looking nimrod.”

  Tom DeLay is indicted for cattle rustling.

  Abroad, unemployed ghetto youths in France go on a weeks-long rampage, burning thousands of cars to express their view that being an unemployed French ghetto youth sucks. Outraged, French president Jacques Chirac announces that, as a precautionary move, he is relocating the army to Belgium. This is expected to have little impact on the ongoing Natalee Holloway investigation, according to Greta Van Susteren’s sources in Aruba.

  In one of the month’s more bizarre stories, a luxury cruise ship off the coast of Somalia is attacked by pirates in inflatable boats. The pirates are armed with machine guns and grenade launchers; unfortunately for them, the passengers are armed with cruise-ship food. The pirates barely escape with their lives under a deadly hail of falling entrées, including slabs of prime rib the size of queen mattresses.

  Absolutely true November item: Michael “Heckuva Job” Brown, who resigned after being harshly criticized for his performance as FEMA director following Katrina, announces that he is starting a consulting business that will—you are going to think I’m making this up but I’m not—advise clients on preparing for disasters.

  And “disaster” is clearly the word for…

  DECEMBER

  …which begins on a troubling economic note as General Motors, the world’s largest automaker, announces that, despite a massive program of rebates, zero-interest financing, employee discounts, lifetime mechanical warranties, and dealer incentives, it has not actually sold a car since March of 1998. “We’re in real trouble,”
states troubled CEO Rick Wagoner, adding: “Even I drive a Kia.”

  In other troubling financial news, Delta Air Lines announces a plan to convert its entire fleet of planes to condominiums. Within hours, the housing bubble bursts.

  The hurricane season, which has produced so many storms that the National Weather Service is now naming them after fraternities, fails to end as scheduled as yet another hurricane, Epsilon, forms in the Atlantic. The good news is that Epsilon poses no threat whatsoever to land. The bad news is, it still manages to knock out power to most of South Florida.

  In politics, Republicans and Democrats debate the war in Iraq with increasing bitterness, although both sides agree on the critical importance, with American troops in harm’s way, of continuing to jack up the deficit. Tom DeLay flees to California, where a friendly jury agrees to hide him in the barn until things cool off.

  Abroad, Western nations become increasingly suspicious that Iran is developing nuclear weapons when a giant mushroom cloud rises over the Iranian desert. The Iranian government quickly issues a statement explaining that the cloud was caused by, quote, “mushrooms.” As a precautionary measure, France surrenders anyway.

  In Iraq, the trial of ex-dictator Saddam Hussein takes a dramatic turn when surprise prosecution witness Kato Kaelin testifies that, to the best of his knowledge, Hussein was at the scene when the alleged crimes took place. Under cross-examination, however, Kaelin states that, also to the best of his knowledge, the Kurds are “the band that did ‘Who Let the Dogs Out.’” An outraged Hussein orders everybody in the courtroom to be beheaded and shot, then chuckles sheepishly when he remembers that he no longer has the authority to do this.

  Greta Van Susteren is elected prime minister of Aruba.

  As the troubled year draws to a troubling close, yet another hurricane, Kappa Sigma Gamma, forms in the South Atlantic, threatening to blast the U.S. mainland with a load of energy that, according to the National Hurricane Center, is the equivalent of seventeen trillion six-packs of Bud Light. On an even more ominous note, officials of the World Health Organization reveal that—in what disease researchers have been calling “the nightmare scenario”—a mad cow has become infected with bird flu. “We don’t want to cause panic,” state the officials, “but we give the human race six weeks, tops.”

  So, OK, we’re doomed. But look at the upside: If humanity becomes extinct, there’s a chance that Paris Hilton will, too. So put on your party hat, raise your champagne glass, and join with me in this festive toast: Happy New Year!

  Or however long it lasts.

  2006

  A BOLD NEW DIRECTION! OR, NOT!

  It was a momentous year, a year of events that will echo in the annals of history the way a dropped plate of calamari echoes in an Italian restaurant with a tile floor. Decades from now, our grandchildren will come to us and say, “Tell us, Grandpa or Grandma as the case may be, what it was like to be alive in the year that Angelina Jolie, Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Britney Spears, and Katie whatshername all had babies, although not necessarily in those combinations.” And we will smile wisely and emit a streamer of drool, because we will be very old and unable to hear them.

  And that will be a good thing, because there are many things about 2006 that we will not want to remember. This was the year in which the members of the United States Congress, who do not bother to read the actual bills they pass, spent weeks poring over instant messages sent by a pervert. This was the year in which the vice president of the United States shot a lawyer, which turned out to be totally legal in Texas. This was the year in which there came to be essentially no difference between the treatment of maximum security prison inmates and the treatment of commercial airline passengers.

  This was the year in which—as clearly foretold in the Bible as a sign of the Apocalypse—Howie Mandel got a hit TV show.

  Also, there were many pesky problems left over from 2005 that refused to go away in 2006, including Iraq, immigration, high gas prices, terrorism, global warming, avian flu, Iran, North Korea, and Paris Hilton. Future generations are going to look back at this era and ask us how we could have allowed Paris Hilton to happen and we are not going to have a good answer.

  Did anything good happen in 2006? Let me think. No. But before we move on to 2007, let’s take a moment to reflect back on the historic events, real and imaginary, of this historic year, starting with…

  JANUARY

  …a month that dawns with petty partisan bickering in Washington, D.C., a place where many people view petty partisan bickering as honest, productive work, like making furniture. The immediate cause of the bickering is the Republican ethics scandal involving lobbyist Jack Abramoff and House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, both of whom you can tell, just by looking at them, are guilty of something. The Democrats charge that the Republicans have created a “Culture of Corruption” and should be thrown out of office so the Democrats can return to power and run the scandal-free style of government for which they are so famous. The Republicans respond that the Democrats are soft on terrorism soft on terrorism soft on terrorism softonterrorism. Both sides issue press releases far into the night.

  The other big focus of the bickering is the nomination of Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court. As always, the Senate Judiciary Committee hearings provide high-quality TV entertainment as the nation tunes in to see if Sen. Edward M. Kennedy will be able to successfully remember the nominee’s name. The bulk of the hearings are spent in the traditional manner, with Democrats trying to trick the nominee into revealing his views on abortion and Republicans reminding the nominee that he does not have to reveal his views on abortion. The subsequent exchange of press releases is so intense that several government photocopiers burst into flames.

  In the War on Terror, Osama bin Laden, who may or may not be dead, nevertheless releases another audiotape, for the first time making it downloadable from iTunes. Bin Laden also starts a blog, in which he calls upon his followers to destroy the corrupt Infidels and also try to find out how a person, hypothetically, can get Chinese food delivered to a cave.

  In the Middle East, Palestinian voters elect the militant Hamas Party, which assumes control of government functions such as street repair, which Hamas decides to handle by firing rockets at potholes. Canada also holds elections, which are won by some Canadian, we assume.

  In economic news, the big story is the retirement of Federal Reserve Board chairman Alan Greenspan, who, after nineteen years as the person most responsible for guiding the American economy, steps down, taking with him the thanks of a grateful nation and a suitcase containing $11 billion. But the financial news is not so good in…

  FEBRUARY

  …when President Bush, delivering what is billed as a “major address on energy policy,” reveals that the nation has an “addiction” to “foreign oil,” which comes from “foreign countries” located “outside of the United States” that are getting this oil from “under the ground.” To combat this problem, the president proposes the development of “new technology” in the form of “inventions,” such as “a Lincoln Navigator that gets 827 miles per gallon,” although he allows that this could “take time.”

  But this bold energy initiative does not get nearly as much attention as the administration’s decision to allow a company owned by the United Arab Emirates to operate six U.S. seaports. This outrages Congress, which briefly ceases partisan bickering to demand that the White House return control of the ports, in the interest of national security, to Anthony Soprano.

  Speaking of guys who avoid the limelight: Vice President Dick Cheney, attempting to bring down a quail with a shotgun, shoots attorney Harry Whittington. Local authorities rule the shooting was an accident, noting that if the vice president was going to intentionally shoot somebody it would be Nancy Pelosi. The quail is eventually tracked down and vaporized by an F-16.

  Internationally, the big news comes from Denmark, center of a mounting furor over some cartoons, published the previous year in a Danish newspaper,
which depict a prophet whom, in the interest of not offending anybody, we will refer to as Fohammed. This upsets several million of the prophet’s followers, who request a formal apology from the newspaper, greater sensitivity to their religious beliefs, and, where necessary, beheadings. Eventually, everybody realizes that the whole darned thing was just a silly misunderstanding. That is all we are going to say about this.

  In sports, Super Bowl XVXXLMCMII takes place in Detroit, and, by all accounts, it’s a big success for the Motor City, with huge crowds thronging to both of the restaurants. The Pittsburgh Steelers win a game featuring a controversial play in which an apparent Seattle Seahawk touchdown pass is called back after the Steeler defender—in what is later ruled an accident—is gunned down by Vice President Cheney.

  But the big sporting event is the Winter Olympics, a glorious, quadrennial celebration of world-class virtuoso athletic accomplishment in sports nobody has ever heard of. Surprise winners include Latvia in the 500-kilometer Modified Nordic Combined; the Republic of Irvingkahnistan in the 2,300-meter Slavic Personified; and U.S. skier Bode Miller in Most Nike Commercials Featuring a Competitor Who, in the Actual Competitions, Mainly Falls Down.

  Speaking of falling, in…

  MARCH

  …the real-estate boom appears to be over, as the government reports that, so far in 2006, only one U.S. homeowner managed to sell his house and he had to offer, as an incentive to the buyer, his wife. But the employment numbers remain strong, thanks to strong growth in the sector of people trying to get you to refinance your mortgage for, like, the sixth time. Meanwhile, as the average gasoline price creeps past $2.50, the Hummer company, having downsized from the massive Hummer to the somewhat smaller H2, and then to the even smaller H3, begins development of the H4, which the company says will be “a very rugged skateboard.”