Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far)

by Dave Barry

  In the Academy Awards, the overwhelming favorite for best picture is Brokeback Mountain, the story of two men who discover, while spending many isolated weeks together in the mountains, that they enjoy exchanging instant messages with Mark Foley. But in a stunning upset, the Oscar for best picture instead goes to Crash, a documentary about Bode Miller.

  In other entertainment news, a book by two San Francisco Chronicle writers revives suspicions about possible steroid use by San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds, alleging, with extensive documentation, that as recently as ten years ago Bonds was a woman.

  In other science news, thrilled NASA astronomers, in what they describe as a “smashing, surprising” discovery, announce that they have found evidence of pockets of water beneath the surface of Enceladus, one of the moons of Saturn, which strongly suggests—as has long been suspected—that astronomers do not get out much.

  In foreign news, Israeli voters give a parliamentary majority to acting prime minister Ehud Olmert, because his name can be rearranged to spell HOT EEL DRUM. Meanwhile, in Paris, thousands of demonstrators take to the streets and shut down the city to demonstrate the fact that, hey, it’s Paris. In the Middle East, tension mounts in response to mounting tension. We don’t know specifically what is happening in Africa, but we know it is bad.

  Speaking of things we know are bad, in…

  APRIL

  …Tom DeLay decides not to seek reelection to Congress, making the announcement via audiotape from a cave somewhere in Pakistan. Republican leaders express relief over DeLay’s decision and issue a statement pledging that there will be “no more Republican scandals, unless somebody finds out about Mark Foley.”

  Meanwhile, in the Middle East, tension mounts still higher when Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announces that Iran has successfully produced enriched uranium, although he claims that his nation plans to use it only for peaceful purposes “such as cooking.” In Iraq, there is good news and bad news for the Bush administration. The good news is that rival Iraqi leaders have finally agreed on a new prime minister. The bad news is that it is Nancy Pelosi.

  Domestically, the national debate over illegal immigration heats up as thousands of demonstrators take to the streets of major U.S. cities, thus causing a total shutdown of Paris. Meanwhile, the Mexican government, in what is widely viewed as a deliberate provocation, convenes in Milwaukee. But the big story is the price of gasoline, which continues its relentless climb toward an unprecedented $3 a gallon. Responding quickly, Congress, in a rare display of decisive bipartisan action, takes a recess, with both sides promising to resume bickering the instant they get back.

  Speaking of your tax dollars at work, in…

  MAY

  …the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, which has a budget of over $3 billion, predicts that the 2006 hurricane season will be worse than usual. This item will seem funnier later in the year. In related news, the voters of New Orleans reelect Ray Nagin as mayor, proving that Hurricane Katrina killed far more brain cells than was previously believed.

  On the terrorism front, the Bush administration comes under heavy criticism following press reports that the National Security Agency has been collecting telephone records of millions of Americans. Responding to the outcry, President Bush assures the nation that “the government is not collecting personal information on any individual citizen,” adding, “Warren H. Glompett of Boston, call your wife back immediately because your dog has eaten your entire Viagra supply.”

  In another controversial move, the president announces that he will use National Guard troops to stop illegal immigration. The initial troops are assigned to guard the border between Mexico and Arizona, with California, New Mexico, and Texas being covered by Dick Cheney.

  In Houston, former Enron executives Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling are convicted of fraud by a federal jury, which apparently is not persuaded by the defense’s claim that Skilling and Lay could not have been responsible for the collapse of the $100 billion corporation because they were, quote, “both getting haircuts.”

  True fact: After the verdict, Lay says, “We believe that God, in fact, is in control.”

  Another true fact: Less than two months later, Lay will die of heart failure.

  In sports, Barbaro, the popular racehorse who won the Kentucky Derby, breaks his leg in the Preakness after a freak collision with Bode Miller. Barbaro is forced to retire, although his agent does not rule out future appearances on Dancing With the Stars. Meanwhile, the hottest show on TV is the much-hyped finale of American Idol, which is won by crooner Taylor Hicks, who narrowly edges out Nancy Pelosi.

  Speaking of competition, in…

  JUNE

  …the big sports story is the start of the World Cup tournament, with U.S. fans hopeful that our players have finally caught up with the rest of the world in soccer. The American team arrives in Italy brimming with confidence only to be informed that the tournament is being held in Germany. Undaunted, the team boards a train for Geneva, with the coach promising that “we will score many touchdowns.”

  In politics, the debate over Iraq continues to heat up, with President Bush insisting that “we must stay the course, whatever it may or may not be,” while the Democrats claim that they would bring the troops home “immediately,” or “in about six months,” or “maybe not for a long time,” depending on which particular Democrat is speaking and what time of day it is. On a more positive note, U.S. troops kill Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, who is identified by intelligence experts as “a person with a really terrorist-sounding name.” In another hopeful development in Iraq, the Sunnis and the Shiites agree to try to come up with a simple way for Americans to remember which one is which.

  On the legal front, the Supreme Court rules that the Bush administration cannot try suspected terrorists in ad hoc military tribunals after the court learns that the administration is interpreting “ad hoc” to mean “under water.”

  Dan Rather, who stopped anchoring the evening news in 2005, announces his retirement from CBS after a career spanning forty-four years and several galaxies. Explaining his decision, Rather cites a desire to “explore other options” and “not keep getting maced by the CBS security guard.”

  On a happier note, the United States marks the fiftieth anniversary of the Interstate Highway System—an engineering marvel consisting of 47,000 miles of high-speed roads connecting 157,000 Waffle Houses. A formal ceremony is planned but has to be canceled when Dad refuses to stop.

  Speaking of speeding while high, in…

  JULY

  …the Tour de France bicycle race is once again tainted by suspicions of doping when the winner, American Floyd Landis, is clocked ascending the Alps at over two hundred miles per hour. Landis denies that he uses illegal drugs, attributing his performance to, quote, “gears.”

  In other sports highlights, Italy defeats France in a World Cup final match that is marred by a violent head-butting incident involving Bode Miller. The U.S. team fares poorly in the World Cup, failing to win a single match; the players blame this on their inability to adjust to the “no hands” rule.

  But the month’s big story occurs in the Middle East, where violence flares along the Israel-Lebanon border in response to the fact that, because of terrible planning, the two countries are located right next to each other. In another troubling international development, rogue state North Korea test-fires seven ballistic missiles, including two believed to be potentially capable of reaching U.S. soil. World tension goes back down when the missiles, upon reaching an altitude of two hundred feet, explode and spell HAPPY BIRTHDAY. American military analysts caution that these missiles “could easily be modified to spell something more threatening.”

  In other rocket news, the troubled U.S. space program suffers yet another setback when the launch of the shuttle Discovery is delayed for several days by Transportation Security Administration screeners, who insist that the astronauts remove their shoes before they go through the metal detect
or. Finally, however, Discovery blasts off and flies a flawless mission, highlighted by scientific experiments proving when you let go of things in space, they float around, same as last year.

  Outer space remains in the news in…

  AUGUST

  …when the International Astronomical Union rules that Pluto will no longer be classified as a major planet on the grounds that it is “less than half the size of James Gandolfini.” A top U.S. law firm immediately files a class action lawsuit on behalf of Pluto, as well as “anybody else who has been hurt by this ruling or has ever experienced neck pain.”

  In sports, a French medical laboratory burns to the ground following the catastrophic explosion of Floyd Landis’s urine sample.

  Fidel Castro is rumored to be seriously ill following publication of photographs showing worms crawling out of his eye sockets. Cuban authorities insist that the aging leader is merely recovering from surgery and that for the time being government operations are in the capable hands of Nancy Pelosi.

  As the situation in Lebanon deteriorates, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice warns that if violence continues, the United States will have no choice but to dispatch Vice President Cheney to the region to hunt quail. Within minutes, a cease-fire breaks out, with both sides agreeing to resume fire at a mutually convenient future date.

  Meanwhile, commercial air travel turns into a total nightmare. No, wait, it was already a total nightmare. But it turns into an even worse total nightmare after Britain uncovers a terrorist plot targeting international flights, which results in a whole new set of security rules, including a total ban on all gels and liquids, including spit, urine, heavy perspirers, and lactating women. After days of chaos at the airports, the TSA issues a new directive stating that “Passengers may carry small quantities of liquids on board, but only if they are inside clear, one-quart, sealable plastic bags.” This leads to still more chaos as many TSA employees interpret this to mean that the passengers must be inside the bags. Eventually, the TSA issues a clarification stating that “If necessary, the bags can have airholes.”

  Elsewhere in the War on Terror, the Bush administration suffers a setback when a federal judge in Michigan rules that U.S. authorities cannot call up suspected terrorists and try to get them to switch long-distance carriers.

  In crime news, a man in Thailand claims that he had something to do with the 1996 murder of JonBenét Ramsey. It quickly becomes clear that the man is an unstable creep whose story is totally unbelievable, so the cable TV shows drop it.

  Ha-ha! Just kidding! The cable TV shows go into days of round-the-clock, All JonBenét All the Time Wallow Mode. Battalions of legal experts are brought in, some of them so excited at the opportunity to revisit the JonBenét tragedy that additional janitors have to be brought into the studios to mop up puddles of expert weewee.

  On the weather front, the until-now-quiet hurricane season erupts in fearsome fury in the form of Tropical Storm Ernesto, which hurricane experts, using scientific computer models, predict could become a major storm and inflict devastation upon Texas, or possibly Florida, or Connecticut. A state of near panic sets in as millions of coastal residents jam gas stations, hardware stores, and supermarkets, while many schools and businesses close. Tension mounts for days until finally Ernesto slams into Florida with all the fury of a diseased fruit fly. Life slowly returns to normal for everyone except the ever-vigilant hurricane experts, who immediately begin scanning their scientific computer simulations for the next potentially deadly threat.

  And speaking of deadly, in…

  SEPTEMBER

  …Steve “Crocodile Hunter” Irwin, filming an underwater episode of a TV show, is fatally wounded when—in what biologists describe as a freak accident—he collides with Bode Miller. Meanwhile, Americans—already on edge because of concern over terrorism, avian flu, AIDS, nuclear escalation, and global warming—find themselves facing a deadly new menace: killer spinach. The lethal vegetable is removed from supermarket shelves by police SWAT teams; many units of innocent produce are harmed. Paris shuts down completely.

  Speaking of vegetables, the United States Congress is rocked by yet another scandal with the publication of e-mails and instant messages sent to male pages by Congressman Mark Foley of Florida in which he explicitly discusses acts of a sheepherding nature. As the scandal expands, House Republican leaders issue a statement claiming that they “are not aware of any so-called Congressman Mark Foley of Florida.” Democrats cite Foley as another example of Republican corruption, declaring that they would never, ever, under any circumstances, tolerate such behavior, unless it involved a consenting page.

  In other political developments, The New York Times prints a leaked top secret government report expressing doubts about the war in Iraq. The Bush administration holds a secret meeting to prepare a response, but within hours the Times prints leaked details of the meeting, including who went to the bathroom and why. The administration then attempts to take out the Times building with a missile, but the Times, using leaked launch codes, redirects it to the Washington Post. As the debate over Iraq heats up, President Bush pledges to “keep on continuing to stay the present course while at the same time not doing anything different.” Democratic leaders declare that they have a “bold new plan” for Iraq, which they will reveal just as soon as The New York Times leaks it to them.

  Abroad, Pope Benedict XVI gets in big trouble when he gives a speech suggesting that the Muslim religion has historically been linked to violence. Ha-ha! What a crazy idea! The pope soon sees that he has made a big mistake and apologizes several times.

  Rumors about Fidel Castro’s health continue to swirl following publication of a photograph showing Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez shaking Castro’s hand. The rest of Castro’s body is nowhere to be seen.

  Speaking of the Communist Menace, in…

  OCTOBER

  …North Korea conducts an underground nuclear test, which is especially troubling because the ground in question is located in Wyoming. This goes virtually unnoticed in Washington, where everybody continues to be obsessed with the growing body of instant messages generated by Mark Foley, who, despite his busy schedule as a lawmaker, apparently found time to attempt to become sheepherding buddies with pretty much every young male in North America.

  In other political developments, Sen. Barack Obama, looking back on a career in the U.S. Senate that spans nearly twenty months, allows as how he might be ready to move on to the presidency. Obamamania sweeps the nation as millions of voters find themselves deeply impressed by Obama’s views, and the fact that he was on Oprah. In a gracious gesture from a potential 2008 rival, Sen. Hillary Clinton sends Obama a good-luck card, which is stapled to the head of a horse.

  Opponents of illegal Mexican immigration cheer when Congress authorizes the construction of a seven-hundred-mile fence. Their cheers quickly fade when they learn that because of wording inserted at the last minute by senators Robert Byrd and Ted Stevens, 650 miles of the fence will be constructed in West Virginia and Alaska.

  Vice President Dick Cheney again becomes the center of controversy when, appearing on a radio show, he defends the interrogation technique known as “waterboarding” as a legitimate antiterrorism tool, not torture. At first, the host disagrees, but after several “commercial breaks” Dick brings him around.

  A strong earthquake shocks Hawaii, causing Paris to shut down completely.

  In sports, a football game between the University of Miami and Florida International University is marred by violence, prompting both schools to seriously consider banning players from carrying handguns onto the field. In baseball, the New York Yankees, despite being clearly the best and most expensive team the world has ever seen, fail to even get into the World Series, leaving Yankee fans to spend yet another bitter off-season wondering why their team can’t simply be awarded the championship and not have to play these stupid games against clearly inferior teams from dirtball cities that don’t even have subways.

 
But October ends on a happy note with the celebration of Halloween, a night of magical fun when millions of youngsters, all over America, are kept indoors. The most popular costumes this year, according to retailers, are Power Ranger and Nancy Pelosi.

  As the election approaches, polls show that the Democrats have a good chance to regain control of Congress. But then disaster strikes in the form of John “Mr. Laffs” Kerry, who, addressing a college audience, attempts to tell a joke, which is like a fish attempting to play the piano. This has major repercussions in…

  NOVEMBER

  …when Kerry’s “joke” causes widespread outrage, prompting Kerry, with typical humility, to insist that it was obviously humorous and anybody who disagrees is an idiot. Kerry is finally subdued by Democratic strategists armed with duct tape, but not before many political analysts see a tightening of the race to control Congress.

  As the campaign lumbers to the finish line, the Republicans desperately hope that the voters will not notice that they—once the party of small government—have turned into the party of war-bungling, corruption-tolerating, pork-spewing, power-lusting toads, while the Democrats desperately hope that the voters will not notice that they are still, basically, the Democrats. The actual voters, of course, are paying no attention, having given up on politics months ago because every time they turn on the TV all they see are political ads accusing pretty much every candidate on either side of being, at minimum, a child molester.

  Thus nobody really knows what will happen as the voters go to the polls. In Florida, nobody knows anything even after the voting is over, because—prepare to be shocked—many electronic balloting machines malfunction. Voters in one district report that their machines, instead of displaying the candidates for Congress, showed Star Wars IV. (By an overwhelming margin, this district elects Jabba the Hutt.)