The Idea of You

by Darcy Burke

  “Was she trying to get pregnant with you?”

  His brain went to the broken condom. That had been an accident. The condom had come from a box he’d bought, and it had been on his person the entire time. “I don’t think so. We always use a condom. I don’t really know what she was doing before we met.” Because he hadn’t asked her. She’d wanted to talk to him back at the winery, and he’d bitten her head off. He cringed.

  “What?” Kyle asked.

  “I . . . I don’t know.” Evan massaged his forehead. “I don’t want kids, Kyle. I never even thought I’d get married. Now look at you. If you can succumb, where does that leave me?”

  Kyle laughed. “Surrender is underrated, bro.”

  Evan gripped the steering wheel tightly. “I’m serious. I had plans. Expectations. Alaina is not part of them.”

  “How do you feel about her? I get that you didn’t expect to meet her or . . . what? Are you in love with her?”

  Evan knocked his head back against the seat. “I don’t know. I think so. I think about her more than I’ve ever thought of anyone. I like to be with her—even more than I like to be alone. I even sleep with her.” They’d spent all of last night together at the apartment.

  “Sounds like you’ve got it bad.”

  And when Evan thought about the way she looked at him, the way he felt when he looked at her . . . His heart threatened to beat out of his chest. “Yes, I love her. I never imagined I would, but I do. I also never imagined I’d have kids, and I don’t want them. Can you imagine what kind of dad I’d be?”

  “A pretty good one.”

  “That’s bullshit, and you know it.”

  Kyle cast him a glance, his expression serious. “I know nothing of the sort. You love Alaina, and I’m pretty damn sure she loves you, too. We can all see it. You’re a terrific brother, and the qualities that make you terrific—your kindness, your generosity, your capacity for love—are what will make you an excellent father.”

  Evan tried to digest what Kyle said.

  “Are you sure you really don’t want kids, or are you just afraid of the idea?”

  Afraid? Not of them, but maybe of the idea . . . the concept he’d outlined in his off-kilter mind. “I really didn’t want kids. I think. Hell, I don’t know anymore. I’m completely turned around.”

  “You should talk to Dad,” Kyle suggested. “After all, he’s been there, done that.”

  “That’s not a bad idea.” He also had to talk to Alaina. He couldn’t let her go back to LA, like she’d done last time, without having a discussion. Which meant he’d better figure out what in the hell to say. In turn, that meant figuring out how he felt about the entire situation.

  He knew he loved her, but would that solve anything? He didn’t have a clue.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  “THANKS FOR DRIVING me.” Alaina gripped the handle of the door as another wave of nausea threatened. “Would you mind stopping in town at the Pillbox so I can pick up some Dramamine?”

  Maggie looked over at her in concern. “Absolutely. I’m so sorry you’re carsick. I’m trying to take the turns as easy as possible.”

  Alaina might be carsick, but she was pretty sure it wasn’t the only—or even worst—culprit behind her queasiness. She did the math in her head. The condom had broken three weeks ago. She’d had a pregnancy test not quite a week after that. The clinic had said the test was negative, but no test was infallible and no technician was perfect. She should’ve started her period by now, and part of this entire process had meant tracking her cycle to the nth degree. That she hadn’t put two and two together before now pissed her off. She’d been drinking wine all day, for crying out loud!

  Keep it together, Lainie. At least until you’re back at the apartment.

  “If you ever want to talk about anything, I’m a good listener,” Maggie said. “I used to be a therapist.”

  Evan had mentioned that. “Why don’t you practice anymore?”

  “Abridged version? I wasn’t very good at it.” She laughed. “That may not encourage you to talk to me! I was a good therapist. I just wasn’t good at keeping it separate from my own life. I am a good listener, but I do better with people I’m emotionally invested in. Like my friends and family.” She shot Alaina a warm smile. “I consider you in that category.”

  Tears burned Alaina’s eyes. The family she’d always wanted was right here. Too bad she’d completely blown it with the member of that family she was in love with. The lump in her throat doubled in size as she acknowledged just how much she loved Evan. His quirkiness, his transparency, his wit and charm. He was everything she could hope for, and she’d screwed it up.

  “I think I might’ve ruined things with Evan. I wasn’t . . . totally honest with him about something. I just didn’t know how to tell him.”

  Maggie pulled onto the highway that would take them into Ribbon Ridge—and away from the winding hillside roads. “It’s good that you left the winery. Knowing Evan, he just needs time to process. You’ll talk to him later and tell him everything. He won’t hold a grudge against you or harbor anger—he’s not wired like that.”

  Alaina knew that, and she was incredibly grateful. “That doesn’t alleviate my guilt. I’m wired to feel like shit when I’ve let someone down.” Particularly the man I love and whose child I’m probably carrying.

  How was he going to react to that? She’d seen a partial meltdown—or maybe a full meltdown, she didn’t really know. She just knew she wanted to be there for him. And she’d tell him the truth as soon as possible, even if it was the hardest thing she’d ever done. How did you tell a man who vehemently declared he never wanted children that he was going to have a baby?

  She’d managed to keep hold of her stomach so far, but the urge to toss up her lunch was stronger than ever. Thankfully they were nearly to the drugstore.

  The Pillbox was located on the main street, and Maggie parked in a spot on the same block. As she shut the engine off, Alaina summoned every ounce of her acting ability and gave Maggie a warm smile. “You don’t need to come with me, I’ll just be a second.”

  Maggie nodded, and Alaina dashed from the car. Though it was still overcast, she took her sunglasses from her purse and put them on. Then she fluffed out her hair and pulled it forward so that it would sort of mask her face.

  Out of habit, she scanned the area for paparazzi. She could just imagine the fervor that would follow a picture of her buying a pregnancy test.

  Satisfied that no one had followed them or was lurking anywhere, she went inside and found the aisle she was looking for. The irony of condoms and pregnancy tests stocked next to each other nearly made her laugh, but it also made her want to cry. Hell, everything right now made her want to cry.

  She had to be pregnant.

  Grabbing two two-packs, because she knew one test wouldn’t satisfy her considering one had probably been wrong already, she hurried to the checkout. She hoped the clerk wouldn’t recognize her.

  She swiped her credit card and stuffed the tests into her purse, glad she hadn’t brought a wristlet. She rushed back to the car, and they were on their way.

  As Maggie drove back out of town and up to the Archer estate, Alaina’s mind spun. What the hell was she going to tell Christopher Nolan? Would you mind if I sported a baby bump in this incredibly physical and demanding role? No? How about pushing production back about six months? No problem, right?

  The tears were so close she could taste them. She couldn’t have this baby and do the movie. And there was no question which one she’d choose.

  Maggie turned into the driveway. “You have my number, right? If you want to talk.”

  “I think so, yes.” They’d all exchanged numbers last time she was in town—at the dinner for Evan at Georgia’s.

  Maggie parked on the paved area between the garages. Alaina instantly jumped out of the car. “Thanks again for driving me. See you later.” She didn’t care if she seemed short or rude. She had to know for certain. Fu
rthermore, she actually—conveniently—had to pee.

  She flew up the stairs and let herself into the apartment. She dropped her purse on the table and pulled out one of the packages. Tearing it open, she withdrew the directions and quickly scanned them.

  Results in one minute. One minute until her life irrevocably changed. Who was she kidding? Her life had changed the minute she’d come to Ribbon Ridge. From the moment she’d met Evan Archer, she’d gone down a path that had led her to this point. This glorious, heart-stopping crossroads.

  Don’t be a coward, Lainie. You know what you want.

  She went into the bathroom and did the deed. It was followed by the longest minute of her life. Or not. It actually happened rather quickly. The plus sign formed almost immediately, pink and bold. Pink—did that mean it was a girl?

  No, silly, they’re all pink! And just to be sure, she peed on the other three.

  All pink plus signs. She was going to be a mother. The question now became, would the baby have a father?

  She sat down on the bathroom floor and cried.

  WHEN EVAN ARRIVED at home, Kyle’s car—which was actually Hayden’s car, since Kyle was living in Hayden’s house and driving his car while he was in France—was parked by the back door. That meant Maggie and Alaina were here. Was Alaina in the house or the apartment? His muscles locked up for a second. He didn’t want to see her, not yet. He wanted to talk to Dad first.

  He parked the car in the garage and walked inside with Kyle. Maggie met them in the kitchen.

  She smiled warmly. “Hey, Evan. Alaina’s up at the apartment.”

  Evan nodded. “I’m actually looking for Dad.” He hoped he was even home. He and Mom had opted out of the wine tasting because Dad had wanted to take a bike ride and Mom had some project she was finishing in the office.

  “Try his den maybe,” Kyle said, sliding his arm around Maggie’s shoulders. “We’ll leave you to it.”

  Evan didn’t watch them go. He left the kitchen and headed to Dad’s office at the front of the house. He stopped short at the threshold. He and Mom sat at the work table situated in the bay window, their heads bent over some papers spread before them.

  Evan shifted his weight, causing the floor to creak, and Dad looked up.

  “You’re back.” He smiled as he sat back in his chair and took his reading glasses off, setting them on the table. “How was the wine tasting?”

  Mom’s face lit up, and she also took off her glasses, but they were on a chain around her neck. “More importantly, what did everyone think of Kyle’s news?”

  Evan had to shift gears in his brain. His and Maggie’s engagement, right. “It’s great. We were all surprised but happy, of course. Everyone’s getting married, it seems.” A knot formed in his stomach.

  “It does seem that way, doesn’t it?” Mom said. “And you’re with Alaina. I love seeing my children so happy.”

  “Yeah, about that . . . I was actually hoping to talk to Dad.”

  Mom and Dad exchanged glances, and Mom stood up from the window seat behind the table. “I’ll leave you two alone.”

  “Actually, why don’t you stay? I can use all the perspective I can get.” Evan walked into the office and sat in the other chair at the table. “I don’t know what to do about Alaina.”

  Dad folded his hands on the table. “Why do you have to do anything? You’re just dating, right?”

  “Yes, but it’s . . . It’s more than that. I’m not sure it’s going to work out.”

  “Oh dear.” Mom reached over and laid her hand over his. “You don’t feel the same way about each other?”

  “No, it’s not that.” Actually, he didn’t know how she felt, but for now he’d go with what Kyle said and presume they were both in love with each other. The knot in his stomach grew. “She has different plans than I do. She wants to have kids. I can barely get my head around being with her and her fame. I never expected this.” He looked at Mom. “Did you ever expect this for me?”

  Mom blinked back tears and dashed a fingertip over her eye. “I don’t know if I expected it, but I hoped and prayed for it. I knew it was possible. It just took the right woman, and from what I can tell, Alaina might just be that woman.”

  Evan was beginning to think so, too. A woman he never imagined existed. Someone who not only understood him but also valued him for exactly who he was. “But I don’t want kids.”

  Mom’s brow gathered with lines. “Why not?”

  Evan shot a glance at Dad, who was watching him intently, his arms now crossed over his chest. “I don’t think I’d be a very good father. I’m not engaged enough. I think it might be . . . too hard.”

  “Of course it is,” Dad said. “It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. It’s also the best. Fear about the unknown is perfectly normal, Evan.”

  “Sure, but I’m not you, Dad. I don’t have the same toolbox as everyone else. How can I put a kid first when sometimes I’m just not capable of doing that?”

  “I think you’ll be surprised,” Dad said. “I believe life gives us what we can handle, what we’re meant to achieve in our time. And I only learned that recently—since Alex died.” He uncrossed his arms and sat forward, leaning his elbows on the table. “I thought it was the cruelest, most terrible thing that could ever happen. And I still do. However, I know that Alex was a gift, even if he wasn’t meant to be here as long as I’d expected. He taught me so many things about patience and compassion—things you’ve taught me, too. I couldn’t be prouder of every single one of my children, for different reasons, of course. But I have to say, son, that I’m proudest of you.”

  Evan shifted in his chair. The knot in his gut lost a little of its volume but was still lodged firmly. “Why?”

  “You know Alex wrote me a letter before he died. In it, he talked about a lot of things, and one of them was you. He pointed out that you were the true success story in the family because you’d defied odds and stepped outside your comfort zone, like Sara, but for you it was an even bigger leap of faith.” Dad moved his elbows out and laid his palms flat in front of him. “Seeing you in this new position at Archer makes me realize just how successful you’ve become—not just because you’re good at what you do, but because you went after what you wanted. Yes, you stepped outside your comfort zone when you left Ribbon Ridge, but I think it was even more courageous for you to come back and find your voice here, in this crazy, amazing family of ours. I’m so, so proud of you, Evan. And I think you’d be an incredible father. You have it in you. You just have to decide if that’s another leap you want to take. Don’t fault yourself if you don’t. Only you know what’s best for you.”

  Dad’s words raced around his brain, some of them sinking in immediately, others taking a roundabout way to understanding. Mom stroked his hand, and they just sat there in silence for a minute. They knew he needed to process. They understood him so well. He knew without a doubt that Alaina understood him like that and that her understanding would only deepen over time. He loved her so much, wanted so badly to see what a future with her held, but could he accept that children had to be a part of that future for her?

  Evan cleared his throat. “There’s one more thing. I’m . . . nervous that I’ll pass on my challenges to a child. Or that he or she will inherit the bipolar disorder that affected Alex and Granddad.”

  Dad inhaled sharply, but it was Mom who answered. “That’s a legitimate fear. I can’t tell you that won’t happen. We don’t know. Like your dad was saying, life is a giant leap of faith, and the best rewards often come when we face our biggest fear. There are no guarantees, but only you can decide if chasing the dream is worth the risk.”

  He abruptly stood from the table.

  “Are you all right?” Mom asked.

  “Yeah, I think so. I just need to think for a bit.” He looked at both of them. “Thanks. This helped a lot. You’re great parents.”

  They both smiled. “We try—and, Evan, that’s all you can do. Wanting to succeed, putting you
r heart and soul into something, usually means you do,” Dad said.

  Evan nodded and left. He made his way downstairs to the gym, intending to lift some weights. The knot in his stomach shrunk with each step. He knew what he wanted to do. He just wasn’t sure he was ready to do it. He needed a minute. Or an hour. Or a day. He had to wrap his mind around this. And hope his head didn’t explode.

  ALAINA PULLED HERSELF off the floor and washed her face. Her skin still looked splotchy and red, and her eyes were puffy. She sniffed and turned from the mirror, then left the bathroom.

  She pulled her phone from her purse and froze just before she dialed Crystal’s number. It seemed natural to want to talk to her oldest and best friend, especially when it came to the photographer who’d shown up today armed with accurate information about the reason Alaina had gone to the clinic. The fact that she didn’t have any texts from Crystal meant the story hadn’t gone out yet, but it would.

  No, the damage control she most needed to address was Evan. He was the father of her baby and the man she was in love with. She set her phone on the table and left the apartment, hoping he’d be in the house.

  She went into the kitchen, but it was empty. Next, she strolled through the living room and came out into the oval entry. There, she heard voices coming from Rob’s office. She tiptoed forward and saw Evan sitting with his parents. No way was she interrupting that—or eavesdropping—so she went upstairs to Evan’s bedroom, hoping he’d come up there next.

  She opened the door to his room, feeling a bit intrusive, but she wanted to talk to him as soon as possible. Needed to.

  His bedroom was huge as far as bedrooms went—more the size of a master than something a kid would have. But he also used the space. Aside from his king-size bed, there was a massive corner desk, a dresser, a comfy chair with a footstool, and a rotating swing attached to the ceiling in another corner, which he used to regulate his sensory processing.

  The desk supported three monitors and was covered in paperwork. He’d moved back here to work instead of going all the way to the little cabin near the homestead. She loved that cabin and the homestead. A part of her wanted to help them convert it into the museum they’d discussed, but an even bigger part of her just wanted to live there. She imagined a warm, happy home with Evan and their child running around. Emotion welled in her chest.