Life is Short But Wide

by J. California Cooper

  “That will do for now. Enjoy your dinner. And you can love me all you want to.”

  Soon, time was growing very short for Tante to return to Europe. By now, Myine loved her aunt so much. She would stare at her and think, “My mother was from the same womb as this fantastic woman who is my aunt. Oh! Why did that hateful murderer come into our life, and take my family from me?”

  She would hug her aunt at surprising moments throughout the day. She held her arm around her waist on nights they slept together. Tante didn't mind; she knew her niece was thinking of her sister, Rose.

  Myine had gotten her driver's permit to learn to drive. Tante had said, “The important thing is to know how to drive. You can practice after I am gone.”

  Speaking as she rushed, looked, hurried, Tante prepared to leave Wideland. When Tante finally flew away in the huge silver airplane, so much had changed, much for the better, in Myine's life.

  The house now had her name on the title. There was a new bedroom set in her own room; no more basements, or boxes for her dresser. There was even a new bedroom set in Tante's old bedroom. The house was clean throughout, and the steps and banister were repaired and shone with cleanliness and polish.

  The kitchen was still being worked on; cabinets were being taken down, and the good, solid wood was being cleaned and polished. Everything looked so much better, cleaner. Best of all, Myine thought, there was a full-size, secondhand refrigerator.

  The ten thousand dollars was being whittled down, but she had something to show for every dollar. The entire house had been transformed. It was, again, a wonderful place to come home to.

  Aunt Tante had not bothered about the land, saying, “Never mind all this land right now. You can clean, clear, and work all that out to suit yourself. There is plenty of help around. Bertha and Cloud can help you get the right people.” She had looked worried then. “Bertha is not doing so well. She works too hard. She had better let Juliet marry that boy, Cloud. I think they are doing everything already anyway, and she needs someone to put her mind at rest about Juliet. He seems a good sort, if he is anything like Wings. And as far as Herman and the other men around here, you watch yourself around men. Herman is at least ten years older than you; that is too old for you. And he has marriage debris in his life. You just get on with your college exam work, like we have arranged for your teaching certificate, then you will be taking care of your own business.

  “Perhaps you will come to France to find your future husband; there is no one in Wideland for you to make the kind of marriage you should have.” Tante was thinking of her own daughter, Monee, whom she knew was fooling around with someone other than the wealthy old man Tante wanted Monee to marry. Tante loved money, and would even sacrifice her daughter's love on that altar.

  Myine didn't answer then, because she didn't quite know enough, and she was nowhere near close to thinking about a marriage. But she looked thoughtful. She knew she liked Cloud, and she loved Juliet, but that was their business.

  She began to watch Bertha closer though; she did look tired, and ill. “The only thing I can really do is not charge them rent, but I wasn't going to do that anyway; they are my only family, here in Oklahoma.”

  Now, we are getting to the part I love: Love. The stem of this “Y” is not too long, but it's long enough for love to happen where, by the way, I think it should happen. Heavens, chile! I think love is the only thing that makes life worth living! That is why so many fools fall for that imitation love, and end up suffering for not knowing what love is. Look in your Bible-, there is the true description of it in there. 1 Cor. 13:4. God created us, so He must know what we really need.

  Now, I have told you, so far, this tale from two or three perspectives. After I tell you this last part from my perspective, you can decide for yourself, but I think it's the most interesting part about these people. It is exciting to me that if you live, and think right, you can find love no matter how old you are. And no matter how old you are, it's always good.

  •

  Time was catching up to Herman Tenderman. For a long time he had not known Rose was dead, but when he knew he was heartbroken. He had loved Rose. “She put my whole life in the right direction. She helped me. Or I would have been just like Gary, and so many other young men.”

  He had worried about little Myine, Bertha, and all of them. “Defenseless women” was how he thought of them. He had helped to look for Myine. When she came home, he went to see them. Myine was not so “little” even if she was young.

  Rut his life at that time was so jumbled and chaotic, sometimes he didn't know which way to turn. So he hadn't been there regularly, as even he thought he should have been. He had met Tante during her return to help Myine. “Quite a woman, but not like our sweet Rose.”

  His life, at that time, was so full of changes, surprises, things he had to do for himself. “I didn't do all I could have for them; I should have done more.”

  Being alone was very lonely when he first left Wanda; too quiet sometime. He didn't like eating alone, and usually some youngster would be at Wanda's. Rut he had been sleeping alone a long time. He knew he liked the new peace and quiet. Herman's new life began to steady and develop a new pattern. He began to enjoy his aloneness.

  If he put something down, it was there when he reached for it the next time he wanted it. He had to cook all his food, if he didn't eat out, but he could cook and eat the things he wanted, and not plan for the whole family and their friends. Things he had wanted more of were still there when he came home from his job.

  He began to think of his family as “my used to be family.” He had to keep reminding himself, when he missed them, they were not his biological children. “I still love them, but I can't worry about that. I love my ‘almost daughter,’ Rose Bertha, but she is her mother's child. She is going to be just like Wanda, no matter what I do. She already thinks I'm a fool. I can't live that way.”

  Since he had left their old house, money matters had forced changes on Wanda. She had cooled down her drinking. She got drunk less and less. When she had a few drinks she would cry about her life. “Ya'll ran my good man away.”

  Then again, “That man is such a fool! He had a good home here. Well, at lees I got to keep the house; for all my years in this here world, I got a house! But,” she sobbed, “I ain't got no money, and no man. He took all my good years, and left me now when I am gettin old.”

  Wanda would look at her daughter with anger. “You! And yo big mouth! I jes tol ya so you'd know! Ya wasn't sposed to tell him. Fool! Ya ruined my life!” She sniffled, blew her nose, and glared at Rose Bertha, “Ya ruined my life and yours too, ya dummy! Fool! Fool! Fool!”

  Rose Bertha would give her mother a dirty look, which happened pretty often these days. She always had an answer for her mother. “You need to get up and get a job, Mama! I ain't got no clothes to go get one, and I'm too young anyway. And I'm sick and tired of eatin beans and bread.”

  “Chile, you needs to go to school, like ya father tol ya!”

  “You the one said he wa'nt my father! And I'm too old for school.”

  “Well, ya sure ain't too smart for it!”

  “I get along, Mama.”

  “That's jes what I been wantin to ask ya. What ya doin stayin out ALLLL night? Who you be with all night long?”

  Wanda never got an answer, just a pouting frown.

  Wanda continued, “Ya need to marry one them mens ya got comin by here!”

  All Rose Bertha would answer was “Ugggh!”

  Wanda would mock her. “Don't ‘Ugggh!’ me! Ya needs to bring a man in here to take the place of the one I had that ya loss for me!”

  “Get another one, Mama.”

  Crying again, Wanda would say, “I want the same one back.”

  Getting up from her seat to look in the kitchen for something to eat, Rose Bertha would holler back to her mother, “Go get em then. He always was a fool for ya.”

  Wanda was quiet a few minutes, too long for Rose Bertha. She p
eeked through the kitchen, and saw her mother deep in thought, and decided to press her mother. “You can get anybody back. You still beautiful to em!”

  But Wanda said, very thoughtful and serious, “Ya know? Herman was right; ya all are fools. Don't know nothin. If I let ya stay here with me I ain't never gonna have nobody. My best son is James; he writes me sometimes, and send me a few dollars. You don never give me nothing. And ya spreadin ya legs open all over town … for nothing. Herman was right, ya are a fool.”

  Rose Bertha slammed the refrigerator door, which was already broken, saying, “I ain't got time to stand round here and argue with you! I got things on my mind.” And indeed she did. She was pregnant. And she didn't know who the father was. She thought, as she looked at her mother, “If I have a baby, she gonna help me take care of it.”

  She said aloud, “I got to be here cause I'm gonna have this baby. Ya think Herman will help me take care his first gran-chile?”

  Wanda smiled slightly. “Since ya open yo mouth so smart, Herman know that ain't his first nothing. Ya done tole him you ain't none of his, so that baby ain't gonna be nothin to him. And I want ya to get this straight; ya not gonna lay on me either, no ma'am, and drop them babies. Cause ya jes beginnin ya life, and I done already lived mine, and I got me a house. You ain't got nothing but a belly full of baby, and a head and a behind full of men. Don't count on me, fool.”

  Rose Bertha had moved to the doorway to stare at her loving mother as Wanda continued talking. “I might could have me a future … if I didn't have you, so I sho don't want two of ya!”

  Rose Bertha looked at her mother with the beginning of hatred; but she thought, “I can't hate my mama, cause I maybe haft'a leave this baby with her.” She moved to hug her mother as she said aloud, “I love you, Mama, we a family. You always tol me that!”

  Wanda tilted her head at her daughter, a thoughtful look on her face, as she answered, “I didn't lie to ya, baby, I jes didn't know ya yet. I blive ya growin your own family for yourself now.”

  After Herman left Wanda he filled his life with his work, and there was peace of a sort. He was reading and getting good sleep again, and he did not really miss his old family, except to feel sorry for them. But he wrote Jerome and James, sent them records, tapes, and love.

  He thought of Juliet, Bertha, and Myine often. He would go by there, and they were always glad to see him. But he didn't want to go too often; he liked them to call, or send for him.

  He liked being at home. He cooked, and he thought he ate well, but after a physical checkup the doctor told him he was not up to par. “You have high blood pressure, and still, you are anemic. Take a little glass of port wine in the evenings to build up your blood. Other than that, you're alright.” He gave him a prescription, and a bill.

  Herman didn't like drinking alcohol too much as he got older. But he got into the habit of having that little glass of wine and developed a taste for it. He started having two or three glasses of wine every evening.

  (Well, he was alone, and wine will sneak up on you.)

  Soon he began to fall into a deep, heavy sleep in the evenings. Waking a little groggy in the mornings, he had to take a cold shower to wake himself up. It was becoming a habit. Habits are so easy to develop in human beings; you can become addicted to water. Or anything.

  Many days went by like that in his life. Days that turned into weeks, and then, months.

  Eventually, being the type of man he was, he stopped himself. “I have too much to do. My life is not in a wine bottle.”

  So he went out just to see some people, or to do something beside work or sit in his apartment and read. Sometimes he looked at television, but so many people on television were dying all over the world in greedy, selfish wars, some of them unnecessary wars, for greedy people; it made his head and heart hurt. He would then go out to one of the clubs and have a little glass of wine. There were so many deaths, and so many new clubs.

  If he happened to see Wanda in a club she shouldn't be in, or even Rose Bertha, his ex-daughter, he would leave. He would go home, where he would read, or listen to the lying heads in the news again, or look at the sex and death on his television until he snapped it off and read himself to sleep.

  When Herman did go by to see Bertha, Myine was usually at work or studying. He held Bertha and Juliet, saying, “Gall me. Gall me when you need someone to do something around here. I know Cloud is here, but call me anyway.” They didn't call him because Cloud was indeed there, and he could do many things.

  At times, he looked closely at Myine, thinking of her as a young woman, not as a child, saying, “Your mother and Mz. Bertha, here, made all the difference in my life. They helped to give me a life; led my education and all. My self-respect, even my hygiene. Your mother cleaned me up, and Bertha kept me clean.” He laughed a little as he looked back over those years.

  Myine was a darker bronze color than her mother had been. Leroy mixed in her blood, he thought. Her eyes were wide and clear with thick, short lashes. And there was an honesty in her face and eyes; there were no shadows she was hiding behind.

  Her smile was quick, and fresh, and glowing. Nothing of secrecy lurking there. Her teeth needed some care, but on the whole, she still had all of them. She had a lovely body, as her mother's had been; slender, medium tall, about five foot four, but rounded and soft looking. She was quiet, only smiling at most everyone; so happy to be doing the studies she loved.

  They told him about all Tante had helped them accomplish on her trip. He asked Myine, “So you are now back in school? College?”

  Myine smiled, almost apologetically as she said, “I'm not going for a degree, right now. I just want a teaching certificate to teach small children. I need to start working to get some money coming in. Later, I'll go for a BA. degree, since Aunt Tante tried to invest in me, but I'm trying to hold on to as much of that money as possible. It's expensive just to live.”

  Herman nodded his head, saying, “You need to go for all you can; an education will never let you down. People may, but the education won't. There will always be some way to use your education.”

  Myine's face became more serious. “I have a child I take care of, Lola.”

  Bertha sat in an old rocking chair, listening. She was in her late sixties, perhaps fifty-nine, and still working when she could. She was ailing from the many effects of a hard, struggling life, and no real medical care. She had often gone without food so Juliet could have medicine.

  Bertha spoke, saying, “And everybody else in that Tonya family that can sponge off Myine when they can! They been tryin to move back in that house. Tonya and them grown girls of hers, Tee and Dolly. But they are fools with that dope! That's why Myine have that Lola child for a long time now, long time!”

  Herman was alarmed, and admonished her, “Don't get mixed up with people who like dope, Myine. You will be the one who will suffer the most. You have no idea what a dope-head will do to take advantage of you. You have much more in life waiting for you. You already have your own house.”

  Advice-tired, Myine said, “I'm not going to let that little child down just because of something her mother does. I'm not crazy. I don't use dope. I just take care of a young girl who needs help.

  “I think I'm too old to be in school. But they let me go to junior college, and study hard just so I can get a teaching credential. Then I can take care of my own self, and my own business.”

  Herman smiled, thinking, “She still has spunk. That is good, as long as no one wears it down.”

  Then Juliet said, “She too good-hearted. People take advantage of her.”

  Herman looked at Juliet; he knew they still didn't pay rent, but he was glad they were there. They were family by now anyway.

  When Herman left there he was thinking about his own “business.” He wasn't sorry about quitting his old job. They were always trying to give him apprentices to teach them the trade. Young men too ignorant to remember what he taught them, most hadn't stayed to finish regular school.
Their minds were always filled with sex, and parties. He wasn't going to teach them all he knew anyway. “Next thing you know, they'd be my boss.”

  When he reached the place he rented, he thought as he went into his apartment, “I wonder if I should buy myself a home of my own.” He had saved a good amount of money, even though he helped James, and sent money to Jerome occasionally.

  In the kitchen he prepared water for his instant coffee, thinking, “Instant coffee. Instant love. This world is full of instant everything now-a-days. None of it good. Instant unhappiness is more like it. If I buy a house, I'll be tempted to move someone in it with me. These lonely days are sad and tiresome.

  “I wonder if I should dress and go out to dinner? I should have asked Bertha or Myine, but I'd only bore them in my dark mood.”

  He looked in his closet; he had three or four nice suits, several dress shirts and pairs of shoes. He liked hats, had quite a few really good ones. He sighed and closed the closet door.

  “Nothing on TV, as usual. Tired of going to the movies alone, and don't feel like seeing the news on TV; all the wars, killings, and blood everywhere. Somebody always killing somebody. I could go out and buy a new book, or get a little piece of lovin from somebody; buy a piece anyway. I could go to church in the morning, maybe; but I'm tired of them lying too.

  “I could go sit by the river's edge, watch people and think, but I did that last Sunday. Do I want to get married again? But you need to be in love to get married. You need love to make it work.

  “Maybe I should move to another town. Travel. But I don't feel like it.” He went to a window, and looked skyward. “You know what, God? I want to be in love. Life does not count for much when there is no love in it. Help me out here, Lord. Please. I'm serious, God, dear Father. But, I know; love in Wideland, now-a-days, is pretty hard to find. Love anywhere, I guess.”