Life is Short But Wide

by J. California Cooper

  He turned back to his kitchen, opened his refrigerator, and began to prepare himself a drink. “There is plenty free nooky out there, I could go get some of that; that would relax me, make me sleep better, but only You know, God, what would be hidden inside of it.

  “Is there another woman, a good woman out there in life for me, Lord? I'm tired of being alone. See, Lord? I'm in the prime of my life. Yet I spend all these lonely nights and hours knowing what it could be like; what I'm missing. I don't have anyone to love. And You are a God of love, so I know You understand.”

  Feeling a little hopeful, Herman bathed and dressed in one of his best suits, and took himself out to dinner. He didn't go to a joint. He went to a lovely dining establishment that went with his suit. He ordered a sumptuous dinner.

  People smiled at him. The waiter smiled for the tip; the owner smiled for the patronage, the bartender for his tip, and a few fine ladies of various colors smiled when their dates weren't looking.

  Herman's thoughts were “But she isn't here. She isn't here.” He left thinking, “How lonely will this night be?

  “How lonely must I be?”

  When he turned the motor on in his fancy new truck, he thought he might go to one of the new chi-chi clubs, but he thought of Wanda. He didn't want to see her and remind himself of the twenty-something years he had lost with her. So he went home to his books and the television. “Well, at least I am safe. Can't catch nothing sleeping by yourself.”

  But, on the way to his home, his car, somehow, turned a few corners and stopped in front of a woman's house. A woman he knew to be clean, fresh, almost honest, and mature; but she begged too much. He relaxed his body anyway, for a little while. He drove home thinking, “God, I know you see me, but I'm still not in love. That wasn't love, God.”

  He prayed and talked to God through the years.

  Cloud had worked on Bertha's house when the laborers had worked on Myine's house. He had plenty of material left over to work with, so the house was looking better as time went by, and it was more comfortable. A few more shelves were added to the kitchen, more needed cabinets throughout the little house. Bertha and Juliet made curtains, tablecloths, face and hand towels for their own use.

  Bertha was not working except on really good paying, little jobs. Her body was worn, and many ailments held her back from doing what she knew had to be done. She didn't see a doctor often; there just was no money for that. She didn't complain; she kept her pains to herself.

  Myine was steady in her college work; she had to be, because she had lost so many years. She had passed all the necessary tests, and now she was keeping up with the class for the past few years.

  Money was stretched, and in short supply, but everyone managed on the garden they all worked in and nurtured. The fruit trees gave abundantly with Cloud's care. He knew about all those things, and since he wanted to be around Juliet, he was always working at something.

  Bertha liked Cloud, but didn't want Juliet to think of being with him or anyone. “You ain't strong like other girls, Juliet. First thing ya do is have a baby, and that would kill both a' us.” Juliet had been having her menstrual period ever since she was nine or ten years old. We tributed it to her broken body-, it has never stopped! Even now.

  Juliet loved Cloud. She didn't fuss with her mother, she just let time go by, telling herself, “We always together anyway.” But she did want to marry her man. She thought Cloud was handsome. “Somebody else could get him from me.”

  TeeTee and Dolly, Tonya's daughters, came by to eat, now and then, and to try to borrow a little money from Myine. Bertha told her, “First time you give them something, they ain't never gonna stop beggin ya, they be here everday!” But Myine knew that; she spent any extra money on Lola. Usually she spent it on books for her classes.

  Once, Dolly thought if she told Myine she was not going to let Lola stay with Myine any longer without Dolly being there, that Myine would let Dolly come back, too. “I can't keep leavin my chile. I miss her too much. I need to be round her. Lets us both raise her up.” But the answer was a steady “No. You're late. She is raised.”

  Then Dolly pretended to be taking Lola away. Actually, Dolly liked to died at the thought of all her time, and little money, having to be spent on her Lola. One day after Dolly took Lola away, Dolly came right back to leave Lola with whoever was there at the time. Bertha was there. Dolly said, as she rushed in, “Mz. Bertha, I got a little bizness to take care of is all. I'll be right back; honest!” She didn't come back for several weeks, and then just to eat a meal. Finally all the play ended and in the end Myine had Lola to finish raising alone.

  That was alright with Bertha and Juliet; they had always helped with Lola, so Myine could go to school with a free mind. When Lola was with Juliet, she was well behaved, even doing her homework for school, and helped in little jobs in the house.

  Around that time Myine got her certificate and started her little classes for children. She did pretty good, too. Then … they heard from Tante again. Tante was sending her daughter, Monee, to Wideland to have a baby that was not by the rich man Tante wanted her daughter to marry. The father was someone Monee loved, but that was not what Tante wanted for her daughter. She wanted that money.

  When Monee's daughter was born, Tante called Monee to come home right away, back to France without the baby. And, Tante said, she would send some money from time to time. But Tante reminded them, “Remember, I left a large sum of money, when I visited you, to save for our family estate. My daughter is part of the estate.” Monee had named the darling new little baby Poem.

  Myine, with Bertha helping what little she could, and Juliet, just carried right on; didn't miss but one or two steps. They would go on that way for several years. Everybody maybe didn't prosper, but they weathered the storms.

  Then without notice Monee came to get her baby, little Poem. She had married the man Tante wanted her to marry, and she was taking Poem back pretending it was Myine's child and they would be helping the poor side of Tante's family.

  You see, so much was happening to all these people that you can't tell it out straight! So I'm doin the best I know how. Ain't people something, chile? Now, let me get back to Herman, Myine, Juliet, and Cloud.

  Herman usually stopped by Juliet's and Bertha's house every few days to sit and talk. He liked Cloud; Cloud always seemed to be busy. But he knew Cloud did not make very much money from the odd jobs he found to do. From his own experience, he knew Cloud needed a steady income.

  He began to bring carborators and other automotive parts from his job to teach Cloud how to clean them. Soon there was a steady supply. “These parts sit around for ages waiting for someone in the shop to work on them. I can get you a little money if you decide to do the work.”

  Cloud did good work, quick and steady. Herman supplied the cleaning solvents and gas to do the cleaning. He paid Cloud well, from his own pocket until the owner of the shop noted the difference in the “junk,” with the old parts looking clean and ready for use; he agreed to pay for the jobs, by the piece. Herman agreed, and made arrangements with Cloud.

  Cloud built a nine-by-nine concrete platform behind Bertha's house to keep the parts on, so he wouldn't “mess up the yard!” as Bertha said. He even built a small storeroom to keep the solvents in for safety. It wasn't long before he was buying his own supplies. He grew to love Herman like a blood brother.

  Cloud was able to save a good amount of money over time. Bertha welcomed the money Juliet was extremely happy to give her. Juliet was proud of her Cloud. “My man,” she called him.

  But every day, Bertha was becoming more obviously ill. She seemed to be shrinking, more wrinkled, dry, and weak. They had to physically stop her from trying to drag herself to the few jobs she had that she wanted to keep. “Mama, that money is not as important as you are. We going to send you to a doctor! At last!”

  Juliet had the money from Cloud for the doctor. They called on Herman to drive Bertha. Juliet now had an electric wheelchair, an
d she went with Bertha after Herman and Cloud helped her get in the truck.

  Herman was glad Juliet was coming with them; he knew the prognosis would not be a good one, and he did not want to be the bearer of bad news. He also knew that Cloud wanted to marry Juliet, and Juliet was getting old her own self. She would not marry Cloud while Bertha was alive. “It is stupid,” Herman thought, “but what are you going to do with some people? That woman has a life she is not living because of her mother.” He also knew Cloud and Juliet were already lovers.

  A few days later, when everyone knew Bertha's time was any time at all, Herman talked to Bertha. “Why don't you sit out here by your garden, and tell that young man Cloud to help you, to do your planting? He can dig, and you can talk as you sit out here in the sun amongst your trees. All this fresh air will give you a good night's sleep!”

  Bertha answered, “I got to work!”

  Herman answered back, “You don't pay any rent; you plant what you eat. Anything else you need, I'll give it to you.”

  “I got to take care this here child!” Bertha seemed stubborn, but she was trying to find some way to still be useful.

  Now, Herman was stubborn. “Juliet is no child. She is about as old as Tante is. I bet she is almost fifty years old, if not more. She needs to be married while she can, and you let her husband take care of her.”

  “Who gonna marry her? You, Mr. Herman?”

  “You know Cloud loves her, Bertha.”

  “Cloud is a Indian. He ain't gonna be able to take care Juliet.”

  “He already does, Bertha.”

  Bertha waved him away. “I want her to marry a good Negro man. A colored man. A Black man; whatsomever they calls em these days.”

  “It isn't about what you want, Bertha. What does she want?”

  Bertha sighed, saying, “She don't know what she want. She too young, and foolish.”

  “Juliet hasn't been foolish since she was born. You are the foolish one, Bertha. You know you like Cloud, and you know you and Myine are getting older. Who is going to take care of Juliet when you die?”

  But Bertha ambled away on her old arthritic legs, saying, “You betta get on way from me, talking all that foolishment.”

  Juliet would not marry Cloud until her mother gave her permission and blessings. (She was already blessed, she had that man!)

  Herman went on about his own business, or he would work on the little rooms Rose and Irene had used as a classroom. He liked to be there; he felt at home there. Myine was there, but he dared not say anything to her.

  During these times, Herman had a lady-friend he visited every once in a while. He knew he was not the only one she was close to, so he prayed each time, before he lay down with her.

  He was very careful; he seldom had sex with anyone. “I'm not putting anything of mine in any hole that turns up to me; too many pretty women are sitting on a disease, or two.” But Herman loved making love. Not just for the sexual finale; he loved love.

  He loved the softness of the female skin, the smoothness of the arms and legs, her body. He loved the texture of her hair, fluffy, curled, straight, or curled tight; all these things made his five senses come alive. He loved the smell, the touch, even the very sight of some women. He loved the taste of a woman's kisses, the feel of her lips, soft and yielding. The sound of a female voice, the right voice, could send little thrills through the canals of his ears.

  Then, as happens in life, he met a nice lady about his age, Willamena. She stayed at his house so often, they almost lived together. She had a daughter who lived with her, and she respected her daughter enough not to bring a man home to sleep in her bed. Herman liked and respected that.

  Willamena dressed very nice, was always looking like she lived in a clothing store. Her hair was always in place; she went to church, she cooked very well, her house was clean. Everything about her seemed to be good. And, she made “good lovin,” as they say.

  Herman was more than pleased with her. And though he did not want to be married again, did not trust life to be fair with him, he was tired of being so alone. This time he was really thinking about getting married to his Willamena. True, his heart was not leaping with joy, but he thought, “I'm too old to be looking for love, but at least I care a lot for her, and I won't grow old alone.” He decided to marry Willamena.

  I already told you, I am not good with dates and ages, but this is what I think: It was then around the year 1972, and Herman was only in his early fifties or very late forties, I'm not sure. But still, he worried about getting old or dying before he had a chance to have a real family, real love. No one knew Bertha's birthday, but she was somewhere in her seventies or eighties, Juliet was near fifty, or just pass fifty, but her menstrual period had never stopped. Myine was in her early forties. Herman was about ten years older than she was. Cloud was in his middle or late fifties. The child Lola was now at least twenty-three. Graduated high school, and working in a real estate office-, she wanted a home of her own. Remember, now, I could be a little wrong, but that's close as I can get. My mama don't remember at all!

  Early one afternoon, before the marriage, Herman and Willamena went shopping to get a few more things for the reception she wanted. They were in a large department store and each wanted different things. He wanted to surprise her with a few things, and she wanted a few things for the reception.

  He waited for her at an appointed place for a while, watching the busy shoppers around him. After thirty or forty minutes of waiting, he began to look for her. He went to have her paged over the loud-speaking system in the store's office. That was where he found Willamena; she was in the hands of the store detective. She had been caught stealing.

  Herman talked to the store manager and was finally able to pay for the stolen items taken from her bags. Later, he told Willamena, “I really care for you; you're nice. But I was reared to believe if you will steal, you will also lie. You won't make good decisions. I don't want that kind of life, or wife. So we have to end our relationship.

  “You take care of yourself. Be careful. I'll bring your things to you.” That was the end of their relationship. It may seem abrupt, but warnings are warnings, and Herman's experience made him take the warning seriously.

  Herman just gave up on having any kind of serious love life. That struck his heart deeply. He was a loving man, a decent man.

  He didn't know what to do. He talked to God a lot. But sometimes you don't know when He is answering you. His time is not like our time.

  •

  One morning, during all these passing years at about the same time, Myine was sitting on her porch swing thinking. Thinking about how many times she had been happy.

  She was happy for Juliet, now. Juliet had Cloud, “but Juliet had always had Cloud all of this time. Even disabled, she has never had to worry about having a man of her own.”

  Her mind just kept browsing over life, thinking, “Lord, I'm getting old now. Men don't want any forty-something-year-old woman. Pretty soon that's where I'll be.” She watched the drifting clouds for a moment, still thinking. “I have nothing. Lola is not always going to be around; with her good education she'll be able to do most anything reasonable she wants to do. Her mother didn't stop her, though she tried. First one in her family to finish high school!

  “So I did something good by keeping Lola. But the years I was taking care of her, and working, I should have been courting and getting myself a husband.

  “Then Tante sent her daughter, Monee, over here to visit, and the Visit' turned into a job for years; because Monee left her baby, Poem. Monee left the baby here with me, and went home to marry that older, rich man her mother wanted her to marry.

  “Years passed before Monee came and took Poem home. She is in some private school over in France now. I love Poem just like she was my own, but she isn't my own; I still don't have a child of my own. I gave up my life to raise her and Lola. Now … my life is gone. I am old.

  “I don't have all of my teeth anymore; couldn't aff
ord to keep all our teeth up at the dentist. I've replaced mine now, but they don't look like they are mine. I know I'm grey before my time, I think.

  “Lord, there are some mornings I just can't get up from my bed; but I do. I have to. And my feet are always tired and sore. I know I can't limp into some new life. Even Juliet started her affair when she was younger.”

  She pushed the swing with her foot to start it swinging again. She laid her head back, still watching clouds drift by, and musing over the past.

  “Lord, I thought I might have a life with that William Spencer I used to know. He seemed a nice man even though I was always too busy to do all the things he wanted to do. Shame on me, Lord, but I let him be my first beau; I let him make love to me one night.

  “I didn't have an orgasm, and that was alright; I thought we had time to get to that. But I think he just wanted a home. “When he asked me for some of my money, he had to go!

  “Then there was Walter Greene. He seemed like a good man, too. Met him at church. A long time had passed since my last try with William, so I thought You would understand if I tried again. I let him try to make love to me, but still I didn't have an orgasm. I didn't have anything but a dirty sheet! And he wanted me to do all those freakish things I didn't want to do; looking at my mouth, talking about filling every hole in my body with something of his! Not with me, he couldn't!

  “But, Lord, those are the only kind of men, those two, that I have known that close. Because I had those two youngsters to look after. And I can't say I really regret having them. I loved Poem, cause she was my blood, even if I didn't give birth to her. And I love Lola; always did love her from the first. They're both mine, but they are gone from me living their own lives, leaving me, alone, with mine.

  “I have some good memories, but God, my whole life has belonged to someone else … from the time Tonya sold me away from my mother until right now.

  “Don't You see? I want my own life … and now it is too late. I'm glad I had Lola, and Poem, but I wish I'd had a husband, a child, and an orgasm. God, please, God, think of me. I just want something that is mine. That's why my mother named me Myine: it means mine. And I don't have a thing but a house.”