Life is Short But Wide

by J. California Cooper

  Musing, she watched the lazy clouds a little while longer, then her eyes dropped down to the trees on her land; she saw some of the little, wild animals, birds, squirrels, and such things which she loved. Her spirits lifted and she smiled sadly.

  Then her eyes searched in the direction of Juliet's house. Bertha had been sick and dying for years, she just wouldn't let go of life. Myine saw Cloud's old truck nearby on the street; so he was there with Juliet. Juliet still hadn't married Cloud, because of Bertha. “We're just all crazy, I guess.”

  Myine breathed a heavy sigh, and stood up to go into her house, thinking, “Time is steady passing; I just might as well get used to being alone. I'm not ever going to have anyone of my own. Well, life goes on, anyway it can.”

  Herman went through the next few years hoping someone would come along with whom he could fall in love, and at last have a home and family. In about a year or two, he met Connie.

  Connie was cute, plump, loved to cook and eat, and she was clean. Her two children were grown, but not doing too well in this thing called life. But she seemed always ready, with time for Herman.

  He didn't move in with her either. Fear. Caution. But he really liked her pleasant moods; she always made him laugh, and he was comfortable. He visited when the need was upon him. After a few years he was settling in, comfortable with Connie, and thinking he might stay with her. He didn't mess around on her, even though he didn't love her.

  Herman was just lonely for someone of his own. He often said to himself, “Mine, Lord, I want someone who will be mine. Mine alone.” As time passed, he began to think, “Lord, I'm too old to be thinking about love anyway. My time has passed. Better take the best I can get.”

  He was planning to propose they get married, and that he would take some of his money and drive somewhere pretty, and take her on a honeymoon. He would still have plenty of money left to buy a house.

  Deep in the nights, and deep in his mind, he thought about what he would be getting into, for life! “She does not do too much in bed; she has two moves at best. And there is not that extra thrill to it, like when you love somebody, but her body is soft and warm … and clean. That should be enough for an old man greying at the temples.

  “My hair is not only turning grey, it's leaving my head steadily, getting thinner. And I left a few teeth at my dentist last week. I've got this ache in my knee that I use to kneel on all the time; sometimes it pains me all the way to my hip. So, she won't be getting macho man either.”

  The couple had to take blood tests to get married. Herman was on his way to the doctor's office, when he made a quick turn, and went by to talk it over with Bertha. It was from old habit, when Herman went to talk to Bertha. Bertha hardly knew he was there, and forgot everyone but Juliet almost immediately. Still, Herman thought, “I need to go by there anyway, it's been a while.”

  He found all of them home; Myine, Juliet and Cloud. They were sinking in grief; Bertha was dying. But, this time, it looked like she might lose her hold on life.

  Herman's heart twisted in his chest. “Lord, I never do anything right. I should have kept closer with you all. Cloud knew he could call me, or tell me when I bring him to work.”

  Cloud said, without blame, “You are always in a hurry, Herman. I thought you were too busy to be worried with …”

  Herman cut him off. “Too busy? I think of you all as my family!”

  Myine spoke. “Then nobody should have to tell you what is happening over here.”

  Herman raised his head to look in Myine's stern eyes. He said, “You're right, you are right.” He put his arms around Juliet, as he took a good look at Myine.

  His thoughts were, “Little Myine isn't so little anymore. For real. She is definitely a grown woman. She has been a grown woman for a pretty good while now.” He smiled, remembering his old thoughts when he had admired Myine when she was younger. He thought, “She still looks good to me.

  “My life has been so full, and busy, I have lost track of time! I've been thinking of her as the kid she was, even though I can't be that much older than she is. I was still a youngster when she was born.” Then he really looked at her. “But she doesn't look happy.” He smiled shyly because he was ashamed of his thoughts. He was saying softly, but aloud, “Myine, Myine.”

  He turned his attention to the sorrow of Juliet. But his mind quickly flashed back to Myine. He knew she was teaching small children in the public schools now, and had a few extra students in her mother and grandmother's old classroom. Then his mind flashed back again to thoughts of Bertha, laying there dying.

  He was sincere in his sorrow, saying, “What can I do, you all? Whatever you need, I'll do it. What does the doctor say? Does she need medicine?”

  Juliet was very sad, and grieving hard in her heart. Cloud kept his arm around her shoulders, or followed her around the little house as she prepared something for Bertha, or he brought her tea, or some food.

  Juliet was happy in one piece of her heart; now she could marry Cloud. They were both happy and sad at the same time. Bertha had had a long life. Her life had not been happy very often, but filled with a lot of love. To survive at any time in this world is a job. She had helped her family survive. Juliet loved her mother and truly did not want her to die, although she could hardly wait to marry Cloud.

  Juliet had a problem; she was pregnant with Cloud's child. Her mother, Bertha, out of fear would not have wanted Juliet to have the baby at her age, even though she would have smothered her grandchild with love. She did not want Juliet to marry Cloud. Soon she could marry Cloud and have their child. It was hard to grieve, feel miserable, and yet be almost happy at the same time.

  But death showed on Bertha's face as she struggled to breathe. She could not fight too hard to live much longer. She was still afraid for her daughter. When she could think coherently, she thought, “My baby will be alone.” Too late she thought, “I'm glad Cloud will look over her.”

  Juliet went back and forth, silently crying, sitting beside her mother soothing her mother's body with her arms, holding her when she could manage it, with her tears dropping on Bertha as she did so.

  They all sat and waited with Juliet. Herman felt he was, again, with his family. “Why do I waste so much time looking for something that is not out there for me, and letting things go that are so important to me? I'm always doing things wrong. No wonder I'm lonely.”

  Finally Bertha drew her last breath. Juliet collapsed as the finality hit her. “My mama, my mama! Oh, Mama. I'm all on my own now.” But her friends were there, and the man she loved. But we know what she meant.

  Herman finally did leave, after many hours of helping them with the undertaker, and helping Cloud with Juliet. “I'll be back, and sit with you all tonight at the wake. Bertha had a lot of friends.”

  He drew Myine to him, pressing her body to his. “Cry as you feel. Don't try to be strong for anybody. Tears don't mean you are weak. You've known Bertha as a mother, and a friend all your life.” Then he held Juliet the same way. “I know how you all feel.”

  As he left, he took another good look at Myine, who cried but was really the strength of the little group. She was taking over gently and handling things for Juliet, the clothes, hair arrangements, and many such things, as people came by.

  As he was leaving, he hugged them all again. He looked down into Myine's tear-filled eyes, and his silly heart jerked just a little. He thought of her body again; it had felt good, warm, real, and alive.

  Herman left thinking, “Myine is certainly no longer a little girl. I am near fifty, and she was about ten years younger than I am. She is still pretty; even prettier as a grown woman than she was as a young child. Hell! She still isn't old now.”

  He had made a promise to Myine, Juliet, and Cloud to come by more often. “If I'm not here all the time it's because I don't want to bother you. I get lonely; I'd love to just come sit with you. I just hate to be a bother to you.”

  When he remembered Connie it was too late to go to the doc
tor's office for the blood tests, so he called to make another appointment. Something in him had not wanted to keep that appointment. His heart was not in it.

  When he did get to keep his appointment, Connie had already been there and taken her test. The nurse took his blood, and then directed him to return to see the doctor the next day.

  The next day, the doctor waved him to a chair in his private office. When they were both seated, Herman looked at the doctor expectantly. This was only an approval for the marriage license, after all, and Herman wasn't sure he wanted one anyway. He had been thinking of Connie, and feeling a little guilty about thinking of Myine. He tried to shrug the feelings away, concentrating on Connie, thinking, “love will grow, and I'll be alright. I don't need a lot.”

  The first question the doctor asked was “How many women do you have sex with?”

  Herman was surprised, but not alarmed. “Why do you ask me that question, Dr. Steel?”

  “Because I need to know how much work we have to do.”

  “Work?”

  “Yes. You have syphilis … and we have to contact the women you have been with, and let them know, so they can be treated before we have a real problem on our hands.”

  Speechless, Herman shook his head. “I have only made love, slept with one woman … for the last three years, sir.”

  “The woman who was in here day before yesterday? Connie Clay?”

  “Yes, Connie.”

  “Well, her disease is older than yours. Her disease has settled in her body firmly, and widely. We'll give you a few shots. You'll be alright, but you better give her a few months before you go back with her.”

  Herman stood up. “I'll give her more than that. I'm not going back again. How long would you say she had been infected?”

  “A year to six months.”

  Then Herman knew she had been with someone else. He hadn't been seeing anyone in the last three years except Connie. He thought, “Time has passed so fast.” He tried to feel like his heart was broken, but he couldn't. He had really liked her, but he had not loved her the way he wanted to love a wife. “Mine, I want my wife to be mine. My own.”

  He took whatever few things she had left at his place to her. He had planned to surprise her with the rings at the wedding. He hadn't given them to her yet, so he didn't have to ask for them back. “I wouldn't have wanted to ask her anyway. I would have just given them to her.”

  He went home, put some Ben Webster with strings on his record player, and sat down to think … and think, and think. “My God, what is a man to do in this world? I believe, for me, the masquerade is over. I'm going to forget about marriage, and a family. Hell, I'm too old anyway!”

  Distraught, he thought he would lose himself in work. He began taking Cloud more work and hanging around helping him. He looked around for other ways to help Cloud, Juliet, and Myine. One thing he did after Bertha's funeral: he gave the wedding rings to Cloud for Juliet.

  They had planned their marriage for years. There wouldn't be a traditional wedding; it would be a mixed ceremony, Native American, Black with a speck of tradition, like a license. A small family gathering.

  There was a small marriage ceremony, which a few of Cloud's relatives attended; over time, they had grown to love Juliet. Myine made a beautiful wedding cake. That night Cloud completely moved in with his old love, his new wife, and his future child. They made love as though it were the first time; they really were in love. Cloud was in his late forties, or early fifties. Juliet was somewhere in her fifties. (That woman still had her monthly periods! You sure can't tell about life! They were making love, and a baby! People worried about her though.)

  During the 1980s Herman was old, but still the best mechanic they had. He was now the head man in Pink's Automobile Service. But his knees had begun to ache, and he got tired of crawling under cars and trucks and moving heavy engines. He said to himself, “I'm old!”

  He was tired of so many things, he resigned his job. They tried to keep him, offered him more money because he was so capable, reliable, responsible, and honest. He agreed to be a consultant and to keep cleaning engines and parts for them.

  For a while he took a job as a chauffeur for a rich old man who was born in Wideland, went to university in the East, gathered his riches, and fifty years later came back to Wideland, home to retire. He had told Herman, “It's peaceful here, Herman. I'm going to travel a bit to keep an eye on my business, but I'm going to rest here. I just want you to look after the cars and keep an eye on my housekeepers. I'll pay you twice what you made at Pink's. Just keep my automobiles serviced and clean.”

  Herman was a regular, almost daily, visitor at Cloud's house. Of course, he most always stopped to talk with Myine if she was home. As old as he was, he became extremely shy around Myine; he was in love with her, and too embarrassed to tell her. He was afraid she would laugh at him, reject him in some way.

  On the day he told Myine about leaving his job, she was glad for him. “You were not too old for your old job, but this new job is better; less strain on your body.”

  “Yeah. My new boss travels a lot; always going someplace. He's gone so much he really does not need me. Sometimes I wonder what he does all that time, in all those places he travels to. The good thing is I can take you for rides in something better than a truck! He has several beautiful automobiles, Rolls-Royces and even a Pierce-Arrow. Works of art! He says friends give them to him. Some friends, huh?”

  He was looking closely at Myine, as usual. He tried to stand close to her, but she was usually moving about, so he couldn't stand close long. He noticed how there were quite a few more grey curls among her shiny brown hair. He thought, “Her hair is beautiful, always clean and smelling good. Usually she wears braids; I like it when she has it all done up.”

  She looked up at him, smiling as she said, “I'm glad you were too old to go to all those wars they had in the sixties and seventies. I'm glad you stayed here at home. I liked going to all those marches with you, when I could get away. We even went to Alabama to march with Dr. King. I really, really loved that trip even as frightening as it was.”

  He looked down into her face, savoring it. “Yeah, with a bad knee!” He laughed lightly. “I enjoyed doing that. And I am not too old. I could go to any war in some capacity if I wanted to; I'm a mechanic, and mechanics are always needed. You retired from teaching at the school, and only teach at home now. That does not mean you are old, does it?”

  Myine put a hand on her hip, saying, “Is that all you heard that I said? I never said you were old. I never retired because I was old, I retired because I could. I still have private students. They're mostly older people, Black and white and some Indians, who never learned to read and write.

  “Never had a lot of students at home anyway; don't need a lot. I was really talking to you about the sixties, seventies, and eighties. And now, the nineties. We got Nixon and Reagan out; now we have to get Bush out of the “White House before he starves us all to death. Makes us lose our homes the people struggled to get in the first place. Trickle down,' my foot! Republicans have their little secrets that are bankrupting people in America. I'm glad I'm not political. I just wait on God to take care of things for me. With mankind, things are only going to get worse!”

  Feeling a little better, Herman agreed, “Yea, the seventies and the eighties were really something. Sneaky, foolish, wars, going to the moon, Nixon impeachments. This world is spinning out of control.”

  She smiled up at him. “Abortion rights, women's rights, some good things. The Black civil rights workers fought us right into a much better world. And I remember all the good music you introduced me to. I never seemed to have time to …”

  Herman leaned against a near wall. “You don't seem to have time for listening to music with me anymore. Yea, you are always busy; giving your time away.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well there was your aunt's daughter, Monee. You used up almost ten years taking care of her child, Poem. I wa
s glad when she came to get Poem. I liked that name. But, still, you had so many things on you. I think people take advantage of you, Myine. You've never taken time to live your own life. You don't have a child of your own. You don't have a husband or …”

  Myine stood straight over the hoe she had picked up in the garden. “Let's talk about something else.”

  Herman didn't want to upset her with an old argument. He looked closer at the work she began doing. It was garden planting time.

  She was working on the plot of land Cloud kept cleared for the garden she and Juliet used for their kitchen storeroom, or pantry, or cooler, some people call it. It was larger than in her grandmother Irene's day. Myine loved to work there. They grew almost everything they ate.

  Cloud and Juliet had a boy they had named Wings Val Cloud. He was a big boy now, about eight or ten years old. He helped his mother in her garden and helped his father cleaning auto parts. He got paid for it, sometime. They still paid no rent, but Cloud took care of the whole five acres of land in exchange, keeping it clean and the trees pruned and thinned. Just their being there was a blessing to Myine.

  Many times all the heads working in the yard were greying. Cloud hadn't replaced some of his teeth, but his smile was just as sunny, bright and happy. He loved his wife and his son. They didn't have another child because the doctor had told Cloud how difficult the birth had been on Juliet.

  “One child is enough for us to see ourselves mixed in one piece. And you gave me a son. So there will still be a Cloud dreaming after I am gone,” he had told Juliet. She leaned back in her wheelchair and, glad he was happy, agreed with him.

  Leaving Myine in the garden after helping her awhile, Herman walked over to Cloud's work place. Besides the concrete platform for the oily parts he worked on, he had also built a five-by-five shed to keep the cleaning solvents, rags, and tools in, away from danger to his wife and son.