Always

by Maverick, Henley

  “I don’t know,” Ava said. I could see the fear growing in her eyes. Her voice was getting shaky. Somehow, this only spurred my anger on further like it was awakening some sort of insane predatory instinct inside of me. I had to get control…

  “No! You do know! Do you think I’m stupid? Do you think you can screw this guy behind my back and I’m not going to find out about it? Is that what you think?”

  I was screaming at the top of my lungs.

  Ava was in tears now, standing up on shaky legs, and backing away from me slowly.

  “Please, calm down. We can talk about this. It isn’t what you think. I would never do that to you,” she said through choking sobs.

  “Liar!” I shouted.

  Before I knew what was happening, my hand pulled back and my fingers tightened into a fist. I was cocked and ready to throw the punch towards her face. What was I doing? It was like I was outside of my body, watching someone else with my face do something terrible to the woman I loved.

  “No!” Ava screamed.

  But my hand lurched forward as my body stepped into the punch.

  I woke up in a cold sweat. The sheet pulled over me was completely soaked. I was breathing heavily. My head was pounding. Where was I? What just happened? Oh, God… I didn’t… No, please tell me I didn’t.

  Something moved beside of me with a slight moan. I jumped a bit as I glanced sideways. It was Ava in bed, comfortably asleep beside of me. I looked around slowly, getting my wits about me. Everything was becoming clear again.

  I was in her apartment. I’d just spent the night. It was still dark outside. My phone said it was a little after four in the morning.

  It was a dream. A nightmare actually. None of it happened. I didn’t hit Ava. I would never do something like that in real life. No matter how messed up my head was, I promised myself I would rather kill myself first than to ever hurt the woman I loved. I was given a second chance with her. The dream was simply my own fears and insecurities manifesting through my subconscious. God, my shrink said those words to me so many times they’d become a mantra for when I had nightmares.

  I watched Ava sleep for several minutes as I tried to calm myself down. I wasn’t going to get any more sleep tonight that was for sure. But it was fine; I was perfectly content to just watch over her and guard her. I wanted to always protect her and keep her safe.

  Damn, that nightmare had shaken me up. It may have been the worst dream I’d ever had. I kept debating with myself to assure my mind that it was not real. It never happened. And nothing like that would ever happen. I refused to let my anger ever get control of me again. I was determined to keep it in check.

  But, what if I couldn’t?

  That was the question. What if the dream was more of a premonition? I could not forget who I was, let alone the issues I had to deal with. Getting a second chance with Ava would not suddenly erase the scars of war that were permanently entrenched in my mind. The dreams, the anger, the impulsivity—all of that was still going to be there. Ava had only witnessed the tip of it, and maybe she thought she could handle it, but she would never really know what went on inside my mind.

  I was out of control. I’d worked for years trying to fix myself, but so far, little progress had occurred. I had good periods when I thought I was finally starting to come out of the woods with brighter days in front of me, but then something small would throw me right back down to Earth. I was a monster. I was not good for anybody, especially her.

  I leveled with myself. One day, I might hurt Ava. I would never be able to live with myself if that happened. I couldn’t let it happen. I knew I was right to end it with her before, and I was starting to remember exactly why. I was broken. I was damaged. She did not deserve who I had become. I’d said those same words to her last night, but now I was saying them to myself... and believing them.

  I had to leave. It had been one of the best nights of my life, but it was a mistake. She would be crushed, but it was best if I did her a favor and got out of her life. I should have stayed away. The moment I saw her in the bar, I should have left.

  It killed me to do it but I knew it was the right thing. I snuck out of the bed, got dressed, and left Ava’s.

  I drove home in tears.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Ava

  It was a fantastic dream. Haden and I were sailing on a huge yacht out on Lake Erie on a beautiful spring afternoon. It was something we used to talk about doing one day together when we were both successful in our careers. It was just the two of us adrift on the water, watching the beautiful world revolving around us. All of our troubles were out of sight and mind.

  In the dream, I was relaxing against his chest, the two of us sipping expensive champagne and enjoying being with each other. It was something I thought I’d never live to see happen, at least after Haden and I broke up. It was an image that had become so firmly imprinted in my mind that it lingered there for almost a year afterwards when I thought about the two of us. And still from time to time I had this dream.

  But this time there was something different about it. Everything felt real. I could actually smell the air rising off the currents of the Great Lake, and I could feel Haden’s warmth behind me as I leaned back against him, knowing that his strength and support would always be there. Usually, when I had this dream there was something missing, something I could never quite put my finger on. And I could fill in that gap now simply because I felt the difference.

  I could look down and see Haden’s hands around me, holding me against him. Before, if I tried to look down, most times I found I couldn’t, and when I did manage it, I could only see my own hands and a feeling of isolation would wash over me. But that was gone now. He was there and he was real.

  Eventually, the dream did end and I was now awake lying in bed in my room. Everything was quiet and peaceful. I took several deep breaths, trying to let my eyes close and take me back to that beautiful dream. I wanted to live there forever. It was so much brighter and warmer than the real world, especially now since Haden was with me.

  The events of last night began to play in my mind: how it had all come together was almost a blur. One moment I was freaking out seeing him in the bar, and the next thing I knew we were getting it on in the alley. And then we made love in my bed.

  The first rays of light were starting to waft through the curtains. I knew at that point that even trying to go back to sleep would be an effort in futility. Something about my internal clock would never let me sleep if the sun was up. I’d never needed to use an alarm clock. My body just knew that it was time to rise.

  But, this morning, I was not alone. I wanted to stay in bed with Haden and snuggle. Maybe we would go out for breakfast. Ricky’s Diner sounded perfect. Usually, I grabbed a toaster bagel and cream cheese in the mornings, because I don’t usually have much appetite when I first wake up. Then again, I’m also usually alone in the mornings.

  I rolled over onto my side to face Haden. I wanted to watch him sleep.

  But... his side of the bed was empty.

  I sat up quickly and rubbed my still half-asleep eyes. I looked around the room and realized that the silence I was hearing was because I was alone. The clock on my phone said it was almost 6:30. It was Saturday, so I didn’t figure he had work today. And even if he did surely, he would have said goodbye… right?

  I got out of bed and checked the apartment. I didn’t hear the shower running, but I checked the bathroom anyway. I went into the kitchen and the living room, but he was gone. There was no one else here. I was alone again.

  Dread and panic began boil inside of my stomach. I felt anxious and a little scared. Why didn’t I notice he was gone when I first woke up? Was it because of the happiness of the dream? Sometimes, when I’m having a good dream, it is hard to distinguish dream from reality when I wake up.

  Where had he gone? My mind began to race as I tried to come up with plausible solutions as to why he would leave after such an incredible night together. I wasn
’t imagining things. The connection we had last night was just as strong as it had ever been. Sure, there were hurt feelings and a lot of anger that boiled to the surface, but after we hashed that out in the alley, the rest of the night felt like our relationship had never stopped, like we hadn’t lost any time at all.

  I grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge and tried to calm myself down. There had to be an explanation for this. Maybe he went out to get some breakfast carryout? He would probably come walking back through the door with a greasy bag and a couple of hot coffees. Surely that was it. He wanted to surprise me. Or maybe he wanted to cook breakfast, but there wasn’t a thing in the fridge. I usually ate dinner at home alone, hated cooking for only myself and hardly did breakfast, so of course I had nothing in the fridge.

  I decided to call him. I grabbed my phone and scrolled through my contacts to his number. This was the first time that I realized I had never deleted his number from my phone. I wondered if he even had the same number. It had been seven years after all.

  But it was all I had, so I pressed “Send” to call. It rang several times and then went to the voicemail. I was excited when I heard his voice on the greeting.

  “This is Haden. I’m unable to talk right now, but you know what to do. Thanks.”

  When I heard the beep, I began to speak.

  “Haden, hey it’s Ava. I was just checking to make sure you are okay. I mean, I woke up and you were gone… I’m not sure what’s up but call me please. Bye.”

  I groaned as I hung up the phone. I felt stupid for leaving that message. I should have hung up when it went to voicemail. But maybe he would hear the concern in my voice and call me to explain. I tried not to allow myself to get upset, but the more I thought about it, the more annoyed I became.

  I decided to distract myself and go about my typical morning routine. I hopped in the shower and turned my radio on as per usual. The hot shower felt great against my skin, warming me up on what was a chilly morning. It was definitely getting colder. I loved Indiana, but I’ve always hated winter. Fall is nice and comfortable, but I could feel the seasons changing. Soon everything would be snowy, cold, grey, and dead looking.

  After the shower, I got dressed in comfortable sweatpants and checked my phone to see if Haden had called back. There was nothing. I sat down and made myself a bagel and decided to add a toaster pastry with it. That was the breakfast of winners, right? And then I put on a large pot of coffee. I was never myself until I’d had about three cups of coffee in me. Caffeine was my lifeblood most days, especially when it was starting to get colder.

  As I finished pouring my second cup, my phone rang. I was so excited to hear the sounds of my ringer that I jerked slightly and almost spilled the scalding hot coffee on my hand. Luckily, I was able to pull my fingers out of the way fast enough. That would have been just the thing to drive me over the edge today.

  I grabbed my phone excitedly, but my heart sank when Harper’s face popped up on my screen. She was probably wondering what the hell had happened last night.

  “Hey, Harp. What’s shaking?” I said.

  “You tell me, Miss Disappearing Act,” she teased.

  I laughed and told her the whole story about Haden and me. I did not go into quite as much detail as she prodded me for, but she was getting excited anyway.

  “I can’t believe I didn’t recognize him,” Harper said. “Girl, he has gotten so buff! The army was good to him.”

  “He does look good,” I replied. He was delicious. God, I was so helplessly attracted to him. What was it about being head over heels for a guy that caused you to ignore all common sense and do things far against your better judgment? I should have been furious with Haden right now. As the morning went on without hearing from him (it was nearing eight in the morning now and still no word), I tried to get angry. I wanted to get angry, but I knew if he came walking through the door with empty arms and that sexy grin, I’d fall right into him. He would have me naked on the couch before I could say my own name. And it would be good.

  “So, is he just gone?” Harper said. “That bastard.”

  “I am trying to keep a level head. Maybe he had a good reason,” I said, also trying to convince myself.

  “Are you crazy? His good reason was he got some and that was all he was after.”

  “I don’t know that,” I replied. “Besides the sex was hot for me, too.”

  “Oh, details, baby!”

  “Keep dreaming,” I joked. “I just wish he would at least call me or send a text. How long does a simple text take?”

  “I don’t know. Who can figure out the mind of a man?” Harper asked. “Hey, what was that about when he flipped over the table? I’m pretty sure he is banned from the bar forever. I’m surprised they didn’t call the cops.”

  “I don’t know. I guess he was just angry at seeing me flirt with that guy, Bill.”

  “Oh, yeah. I almost forgot about his sexy ass. When do you think he will call?”

  “I hope never,” I said. “I’m still mad at you for that. Besides, after the altercation with Haden, he is probably not going to call me.”

  “Oh, don’t be so sure. He looked like he was ready to throw down to defend your honor. That is so hot. You almost had two studs about to fight over you. Tell me that doesn’t stroke the ego?”

  I laughed. “You are so warped. I’m not fifteen. I’ve matured beyond that sort of stuff.”

  “Keep telling yourself that,” Harper said.

  We agreed to do lunch later and maybe take in a movie. After talking with Harper, I sat down with another cup of coffee and tried to figure out the situation with Haden. I was tempted to try and track him down. Our town was not small but it certainly wasn’t huge either. I knew where his folks lived and I could have easily found him. But what kind of a message would that send out? I didn’t want to be a stalker.

  But I didn’t mind Facebook stalking… I pulled up Haden’s Facebook but there were no status updates. Actually, there hadn’t been any updates from him in months. Apparently social media wasn’t his thing.

  I thought about maybe calling him again. But that would have been desperate. As I sat there alone, wondering what was going on with Haden, I began to get a bad feeling.

  I felt almost like I did the day he left for the army. A part of me knew I would never see him again.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Haden

  I sat down on my couch and turned on the television. It was Saturday, so I was grateful that I didn’t have to go to work. There was no way, with my current head state, that I would have been able to handle work or any sort of responsibility. I felt sick and disgraceful. That was the only way I could describe it.

  The whole drive home, I had to constantly blink the tears away from my eyes. I almost pulled over to let myself cry it out a few times but it was a short enough drive to keep it together and make it home. The second I pulled into the driveway I began to break down, but I didn’t want anyone to see me cry. I’ve never been able to allow myself to cry in front of other people. To me, it is the most embarrassing and humiliating thing.

  But, there I was, now on the couch watching television and crying my eyes out. Oh, God was I making the right choice? I love Ava so much, and last night felt like the lights of heaven shining down on me. I’d felt so much more peace and happiness than I’d known in so many years. I almost forgot who I was. That was the thing that scared me most.

  And the nightmare. Oh, that horrible nightmare. It had shaken me apart and I was still a mess from it. The thought of hurting Ava again was something I couldn’t ever allow to enter my mind. And I’d actually experienced it. Everything was so real. I was there. I could see her fear, feel her presence, smell her sweet scent, and I could hear her soft cries. She was scared.

  I cried even harder now. The tears were pouring down and I didn’t know when they would stop. I’d made it a bad habit of keeping things bottled up. It was the way I’d always been, but something about experiencing war made
it even less acceptable for me to show any emotions, even when I was alone.

  But I was opened up. That dream reminded me that I was broken. After I calmed down, I wanted to call Ava and explain everything to her. But I was afraid. I knew that if I heard her sweet voice, I wouldn’t be able to go through with it. To know that I could be with her yet deny myself that sweetness was unbearable.

  That was why I’d turned off the ringer on my phone. I knew she’d call. I figured she still had my number just as I still had hers. I kept picturing what she must have been thinking to wake up and I was gone again. I was a coward, but I kept reminding myself that I was doing the right thing. But no matter how many times I told myself that, I could not help but wonder if I was wrong about it.

  What if Ava was right? What if she could help me? Maybe whatever I was going through, she would be able to deal with and together we could make those strides towards wellness. I’d told her about how damaged I was, but she’d only caught a glimpse of it. She said she understood; hell, she didn’t even blink. It was almost as if she expected it and had already made peace with the fact long ago. I just never gave her the chance to prove it.

  I wanted to believe that. I desperately wanted to just pick up my phone and call her. But the image of the dream kept haunting me. I could not get it out of my head. I could feel that rage, that desperation, that hopeless craving for some semblance of control in my life. I was a walking time bomb, and I couldn’t bear to let Ava be the target of that rage when it eventually went off. I would never let myself take that chance. There was no way I would ever give myself the opportunity to lose control and hurt my reason for breathing.

  I pulled my phone out of my pocket, and turned the ringer back on. I saw that Ava had indeed called and she’d left a voicemail. Oh, I knew it was a mistake. I should have pressed “Delete” but I couldn’t stop myself. I had to listen to her.

  As the message played, and her sweet voice filled the air of my empty home, a smile crossed my face. I thought for sure hearing her words, her voice, would send me teetering over the edge and I would lose it completely. But it had the opposite effect. It was actually calming me down. I could hear the concern and the affection in her voice. I could only imagine all of the horrible things she must have been thinking about me. I’m so sorry, Ava.