Fearlessly Yours

by R. S. Broadhead

  I couldn’t help it. I glanced back at my cell. The image hadn’t disappeared. It stared up at me, as if mocking me. He looked so happy. His chin rested on her blond curls, smiling at someone I couldn’t see. Maybe a family member? Or friend? Either way it was someone they were sharing their joyful news with. A boy. She was pregnant. Any hope I had of him being miserable and coming back were dead with that picture. He was making a life with her. I pulled my legs close to my chest and hooked my arms securely around them. My head fell back against the chair, and I stared at the sky. No matter how hard I tried to think of something else, I couldn’t. The image was burned into my memory. I was scarred by his happiness.

  Maybe I was hallucinating. Maybe this was a dream. Who was I kidding? This had to be a nightmare. An alert went off on my phone, and I swore my heart skipped a beat with a hope it was him telling me it was a joke.

  Luca: What r u doing 2nite?

  Tears pooled at the corners of my eyes, blurring the message. I should have been happy. A gorgeous man wanted to know what I was doing, probably wanting to do something with me… or he could just want to rub in the fact that he was doing something totally awesome, and I wasn’t invited. That was more like my luck.

  But I couldn’t help the self-loathing. Russ had made me hate myself for the way he’d done me. Why wasn’t I good enough for him to love? My fist curved into a tight ball. How hard would it be to break his face like he’d done my heart? He had fast reflexes. It would be difficult, but with a surprise attack, I thought I could manage. Without being totally aware of it, my finger discarded Luca’s message and brought back up the picture of the happy couple. I wasn’t sure I’d done it. It was like my mind had gone off the deep end and was now working on autopilot. An autopilot that wanted me to whither and cringe in depression.

  I stared.

  And I cried.

  My mouth opened, and a sound that was foreign to my ears wailed against the salty gusts cutting across the sand. I covered it with a shaking hand and stood. More emotions wanted to come out. I felt them deep down, raging like a poison, threatening to escalate from within my throat. My shoulders shook. In three swift steps, I reached the rail and used every bit of strength I could muster to chuck my phone out into the dark. I turned around and kicked a chair over. I searched the deck for anything else. I needed something else to throw. I reached for the flowerpot sitting on a corner table as the latch to the sliding glass door snapped. The door pushed to the side, and Luca stepped out.

  His eyes darted between me, the overturned chair, and the innocent plant I was about to annihilate. “Whoa. Am I interrupting something? ‘Cause if you want to break shit, I’m all in.”

  The anger left me. I buried my face in my hands, collecting the tears of a girl I no longer knew. She was a shriveled disgrace of her former self. I heard his footsteps near and stop somewhere in front of me. I wasn’t sure how close until his fingers touched my shoulder. Instinctively, I jerked back. The last thing I wanted was a man touching me right now. My teeth ground together as my jaw flexed. “Leave.”

  Silence. For a moment I thought he had and I was alone again.

  “Sorry, I can’t do that.”

  I lowered my hands to cross my arms.

  He backed away a few steps. “If looks could kill, damn. Do what you must to me, but I’m not leaving you. You’re hurting. I don’t know who pissed you off, and I pray to the good Lord above that it wasn’t me.” He pressed his palms together, looking up for a second before returning his gaze back to me. “It wasn’t me, right? I mean, I don’t think it could be me. I haven’t done anything that I’m aware of. Or did I?”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. Somewhere through all the dark, hatefulness brewing within me, he made me laugh.

  “See, aren’t you glad I refused to leave?” He tilted his head, the corners of his mouth pulling back as a few wisps of hair fell over his eyes. “I’m an Aquarius. We’re good about making people laugh in really uncomfortable, emotional circumstances. Or so I’ve read.”

  I wiped the tears away with the back of my hand as I found myself glad he’d stayed. “Thank you.”

  “No need. You helped me through that shit at the island. The least I could do was return the favor. Am I allowed to ask why you were destroying your friend’s porch?” He looked around. “Her taste is kinda shitty, so you probably helped her out.”

  I turned around, unable to face the small amount of damage I done. It was only an overturned chair. He was making it out like I had completely destroyed everything she owned. Still that one chair was a nagging reminder of the shame I felt. And my phone! How stupid am I? I took small steps over to the railing, hoping it would magically appear. “You didn’t tell me what the deal was with you the other day, so why should I tell you?”

  He came up beside me, looking out into the dark. “True. But I’m hardheaded. I have a feeling you’re not like me.”

  He was right. I wasn’t that way. The words tumbled out before I could stop them. “Months ago–” My voice broke. “—months ago, I was engaged. We were together years. I don’t know how I didn’t see the signs.” My emotions took control as tears flooded down my cheeks. “When I’d talk about the wedding, he wouldn’t be there, emotionally, I mean. He’d be distracted, distant, most of the time on his phone.”

  It hurt so bad to talk about it. They were painful memories that I never wanted to relive. I shook my head, not wanting to say it. “It was raining the day he told me to meet him at a coffeeshop near where we worked. He had my favorite drink waiting on me when I got there. He stood up, and when I tried to kiss him, he turned his cheek.” I sucked in a mouthful of air, choking on a few sobs. “That’s when it hit me. Everything that I’d tried to deny, everything I’d tried to not to face, it was about to come crashing down on me. He told me that he’d been seeing a girl who worked in the administration department, and he was in love with her.”

  Luca scooted closer to me and turned me to face him completely. “He’s an idiot. Plain and simple. You deserve better than a dick like that. Sounds like you avoided a disaster.”

  I swiped my nose with the back of my hand. I heard his words, but they didn’t help. They were basically the same words that Bri had tried to reason with. It didn’t make the hurt any less. “I don’t know. Maybe he’s the one that avoided the disaster.” I turned, throwing my hands out. “She’s everything I’m not. Tall, blonde, and gorgeous. Totally outgoing and not afraid to go after what she wants. I mean, that’s obvious because she went after him and won. I didn’t stand a chance. Not with how I am.”

  “How are you?”

  I bit my lip, not wanting to tell him my faults. He might think I was crazy. He nodded, practically coaxing me with his eyes in a reassuring way.

  “I really don’t see how anyone would want to be with me. I’ve always played things so safe. Always the quiet one. Always the one who stays blended in.”

  He chuckled. “Surely you aren’t as bad as you think you are. You seemed pretty loose the first night I met you.”

  Through the tears, heat scolded my skin. “I really am. Like right now, I look at the ocean and think oh, it’d be fun to go swimming at night. You know, like people do in the movies, but then I’m like well, that’s not the safest thing. You can’t see what’s around you.” I sliced the air with a pointed finger at the house. “I was even scared to leave my wedding dress in Arizona. What if something happened to it? Russ may decide I’m the one for him, and I’ll need it. That’s the kind of crazy stuff that goes on in my head. I’m telling you I’m not normal!”

  “Where’s the fun in normal anyway?” His eyes roamed up to mine and locked there before a warm smile spread over his face. “You really bring your wedding dress with you?”

  I threw a hand in the air toward the house. “It’s in the closet.” My face fell as the realization of why I’d brought it was ripped from me. “He’s not coming back, though,” I whispered.

  “He might. You never know.”


  I pushed the damp hair back that had become matted to my face. “No, he isn’t. She’s pregnant.” I bent over, feeling like my insides ripped apart at saying the words. I gripped the handrail so hard my hand ached. Luca’s shoes came into my view of the deck. I refused to look up. Maybe if I never did, he would leave me to wallow in my own self-pity.

  “Fuck him.” My view of the world shifted sideways then upside down as his arms locked around my knees, and I was hoisted over his shoulder.

  Undiluted panic mixed with shock and paralyzed me as the steps came into view and then the sand. I shook my head, clearing the fog. “Wait. What are you doing?” The rush of the water grew louder. I tilted my head, the porch becoming farther away the more he walked. He was taking me to the water. I balled my hands and beat on his back. “Put me down! Didn’t you just hear me say that I was scared to go into the water at night?”

  A deep laugh resonated through his back and against my chest.

  “I did. But fears aren’t healthy for you. Seems like you need to start living. Tonight.”

  Water sprayed my face, as his jeans became damp sloshing through it. My body locked. I reached for anything that I could to hold onto. No way was I going in that water. I wrapped my fingers around the loops on his jeans, locking my arms around his waist in the process. My legs tightened around his arm, squeezing like a python. He wasn’t tossing me into the dark pool of death. No sir. Not tonight. Before I could gloat, cold water engulfed me. I kicked away from him and jumped, breaking the surface of the water. I sucked in the air around me and coughed up the salty liquid that had managed to seep into my nose. I rubbed my eyes, clearing them. They burned, making it hard to see.

  “Luca?” I didn’t wait for his response. The sudden realization that I was in the ocean in the middle of the night hit me. There could be a shark swimming around me right at that very moment. Even though I had only eaten Doritos for supper, I’d still be a tasty meal for it. I pushed against the water, feeling as if I were in slow motion. Why couldn’t I move faster? I was on the verge of death here. Luca was probably already dead. That was why he hadn’t answered. Fingers wrapped around my arm. I turned around and smacked the thing that had grabbed me.

  “Ouch!” My mouth gaped as Luca put a defensive hand over his eye. “I guess I deserved that.”

  “You deserved more than that.” I pushed away, anxious to be free of the watery grave around me. “Aaaaaggghhh!” I jumped up. “Something just touched my leg. I swear. It was sharp, like it had a mouthful of teeth.” I pressed my hand across my lips, trying to hold in another scream that wanted to seep out. I stood frozen in the water. My toes dug deep into the mushy sand below. I waited. There was no point in fighting to get out. I was dinner. Luca had killed me. He was a murderer. I’d known he was too pretty to trust. He appeared in front of me, a hint of humor laced over his features.

  “Nothing is touching your leg.” His hands found my shoulders, holding them gently. “Look around you, Leigh. You’re in the ocean. At night. And nothing is eating you. See? You have nothing to fear.”

  An involuntary tremor shook my core as I assessed the shrouded area around me. His words hit me hard and broke down my reservations. He was right. I had faced a fear and lived through it. Or, so far I had. Luca let go of me, but stayed close without saying anything. My movements were cautious as I twisted around, testing my safety.

  I lay back against the water, allowing it to lift me. There wasn’t a single star in the sky, solid black. My arms paddled through the water, moving my fingers. For the first time in my life, I let everything go. Worries? Gone. Stress? Gone. Doubt? Gone. The water washed all away. Now everything was buried below me in the darkness. I didn’t know how long I’d floated. Minutes? Hours? Time was infinite in the place I’d disappeared to. By the time I stood, I figured I would be alone in the water. But I wasn’t. He waded around a few feet from me with his back turned in my direction.

  “I’m starting to turn into a prune!” I yelled out to him.

  In one fluid motion, he turned looking like pure God of the Sea. Like Aqua Man or some shit. Saturated brown locks flipped back away from his face as he pushed them away from his eyes.

  “I— Uh…” I fought to find words, but all I could think about at the moment was taking a ride on his trident.

  He reached for me. Was he going to try to kiss me? I closed my eyes and leaned in.

  A second later, my hand lifted out of the water.

  “Yeah, I’d say you’re pruning. You’ve been in here for like an hour.”

  My hand dropped back into the ocean.

  “You got something in your eyes?”

  I peeled them open; thankful the darkness blanketed the panic.

  “Yeah. Got some water in them.”

  His head tilted in the direction of the house. “You ready to get out?”

  I nodded and progressed toward the shoreline with him behind me. My body felt twice as heavy as I emerged. Leaving the water left me freezing. “I’m surprised your friend hasn’t come out here wondering where you are.”

  “She’s out of town. Some realtor convention thing,” I said as we started up the steps.

  “Well, that sucks she left you here alone in a place where you don’t really know anyone.”

  “I’m use to it. I live by myself in Arizona, so…” My voice trailed off. I had already painted the picture of a loser earlier, and now I was making it worse. We stopped at the door. “You want some coffee or something? I’m freezing. Not sure about you.” The seconds ticked by. He probably thought I was trying to have sex with him. That line was always in the movies. “Hey… wanna come in for a drink?” And clothes always came off.

  “Sure,” he finally answered.

  Inside, I left him the kitchen and grabbed us some towels. When I returned, he had started the coffee, the smell filling the house. I handed him one of the towels, which he used to run across his shaggy brown hair.

  “Totally not trying to make this weird, but are you going to freak if I take my shirt off and hang it up in the bathroom to dry some?” he asked, eyeing me. “I promise I’m not trying anything.” He seemed more concerned with convincing himself of that than me.

  “I’ll do one better. I’ll toss it in the dryer.”

  He reached for the top button, undoing it painfully slow.

  My eyes were glued to the scene in front of me. Look away. Look away. Only I couldn’t. It was the holy grail of everything that was hot in this world. The shirt opened, revealing the muscles I had drooled over at the island. They hadn’t changed any. Each crevice, dip, and perfection was just as I remembered.

  “Enjoying the show?” he asked, peeling it off.

  I focused on his face as he winked and laughed. “If you keep staring at me like that, I’m going to need you to give me something to look at, too.”

  My mouth dropped, but words wouldn’t come out.

  “I’m kidding.” He tossed me the shirt and turned back to the coffeepot.

  I stumbled back, mortified.

  I was thankful for the few moments alone. That was so stupid. Had I thought he wasn’t going to see me eye-fucking him? I opened the dryer, threw the shirt in, and turned it on. Leaning back against the metal, I looked up at the ceiling. No way could I do something like that again. No way.

  I took two deep breaths and went back to the kitchen. Two mugs sat on the table, one in front of him and the other in front of the chair across from him. Beside it, a white piece of paper and pen sat.

  “What’s this?” I asked, pulling the chair out and plopping down.

  “I think tonight was good for you.” He stared at me over the top of his mug as he put it to his lips and drank. “I want you to write down all your fears. We’re going to work on them while you’re here, so when you go back home, you’ll know your worth and not mess with douches like the one you were crying over.”

  I didn’t pick up the pen.

  He frowned at my hands.

  “Tonight was… diffe
rent,” I said. “But there’s no way I can face my fears. They are fears for a reason. It means it’s something that scares the shit out of you.”

  His eyes flashed up to mine. “This is something you need. No matter if you see it or not. Have you ever felt more alive than out there tonight?”

  “No,” I admitted, biting my lip. “But if I do this, you have to do it with me.”

  He sat back, folding his arms. The muscles bulged. I forced myself not to stare. He wasn’t getting me again with his flashy physique.

  “I jump out of airplanes, go mountain climbing, do all kinds of dumb shit. There isn’t much I’m scared of.”

  “Ha! You said much.” I slammed my hands down on the table. “So, there must be something.” I tore the paper in half and pushed it across to him. “You’ll write yours, too.”

  His shoulders rolled back. “Is it the only way I’ll get you to do this?”

  “Yup.” I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and started writing.

  Swimming in the ocean at night

  Something bad happening to my wedding dress

  Being naked

  Public speaking/Being in front of a crowd

  Being vulnerable again

  I passed the list over to him along with the pen so he could write his own fears down.

  He glanced at the paper and covered his mouth. “Naked? Really?” he asked, laughing.

  “What? Not all of us look like that.” I pointed down at his midsection. My heart thudded as the blood rushed to my veins.

  “I’ve seen you in a bikini for all of about five minutes. Your body is slamming.” His head dropped, and he grabbed the pen and started scribbling.

  I shifted from side to side nervously.

  He looked up toward the ceiling and slightly shook his head before dropping the pen. Then abruptly, but very gently, he pushed his paper to me.

  Sick people

  Spiders