Memories of Us

by Fabiola Francisco

  “You weren’t around to be given a chance.”

  I close my eyes and breathe deeply. “The biggest mistake I ever made was walk away from you that night. I live with that regret each and every day, wondering how I could’ve been such an ass. Such a fool. I let my anger get the best of me and ruin the best of me. It ruined my relationship with my father. It ruined us.” I scrub my hand down my face and sigh.

  “I’ve been miserable ever since, trying to find a way to you, but you blocked me on social media, won’t answer your emails, and your family wouldn’t tell me where you were. How did you end up here?”

  “You weren’t the only one with dreams.” Her arms tighten across her chest.

  “We both had dreams we shared. You were going to teach while I chased my crazy dream. We were young and naive, but we loved each other.” I still love her. Always will.

  “Come home to Springville.” It’s a plea that begs for much more than her returning, but I know now isn’t the time for me to bring us up. I need to get her out of here and away from that guy first.

  “That’s not my home anymore, and it’s not yours either.”

  I look around the outside of her apartment. “This isn’t your home. This is nothing like you always dreamed of.”

  “I’m happy here,” her tone is flat.

  “Yeah, right,” I scoff and raise my eyebrows.

  She goes to close the door, but I put my hand on it, stopping her. “I don’t have the words to tell you how sorry I am. I don’t have the words to make what I did—said— better, but I’m here for you. If I knew where you were, I would’ve been here sooner. I lucked out that your dad thought I would be the best person to talk to you. You’d think after all this time of thinkin’ about seeing you again, I’d have a speech prepared. I don’t, because seeing you in the flesh again has muted it all. Instead I’ve written you songs, all of them saying what I can’t right now.” I close my eyes a second, kicking myself for screwing up the only chance I’ll get of winning her back.

  “When Justin responded to my email to you a couple weeks ago, I flipped. I’ve never been more scared in my life than knowing I lost you. Up until I knew he existed in your life, I held on to the hope that we still had a shot. When I learned you had a boyfriend… let’s just say it wasn’t pretty. But after seeing him, and hearing him talk to you, I gotta ask why are you with someone like him? You deserve better, and you know it.” She belongs with me. My heart sprints as I wait for her to reply.

  “My relationships are none of your business. I’ll call my dad, tell him I’m okay, but I don’t want to hear or see you again. We’re done. Have been for a long time. Move on, Hunter, I have.”

  I shake my head and stare at her. “No. I see it in your eyes, you feel this.” I motion between us with my hand. “The kinda love we shared isn’t easily thrown away.”

  “It was discarded the moment you walked away. You did this, not me. You left. You gave up on us.” Her eyes cloud with emotions as she talks angrily.

  “I came back. I called.” I’m desperate for her to listen to me.

  “You left me.” I notice the hint of moisture in her eyes and I hate myself for being the reason that makes her cry.

  “You asked for space.” I scratch the side of my head. “I gave you what you asked for.”

  “You left me when I was the most broken.” Her words choke out and I resist comforting her.

  “I’m so sorry.” I shake my head. “I’m so sorry.” I run my hand through my hair, tugging hard. “I never meant to hurt you. I’d do anything to take the pain away.”

  “It’s too late. Just go, please,” she begs, and her eyes widen.

  “Let’s go talk somewhere. We can eat something,” I offer, hoping that talking somewhere else besides her front door will help.

  Mackenzie shakes her head. “No. Goodbye, Hunter.” The door closes, leaving me alone with my rampant mind. Conceding she’s had enough for one day, I leave with a promise to return tomorrow.

  I LEAN MY HEAD against the door and try to catch my breath. The last person I imagined showing up here was him. As soon as I opened the door and saw those same brown eyes I’ve tried to forget, I felt as if I were drowning in them. I was so angry at Justin that I didn’t think about checking who was at the door. Not that I’d ever think it would’ve been Hunter.

  How can my dad even do that?

  I press my hand to my chest, as if that would slow the sprint going off in between my ribs. I flinch when my arm rises. Soreness makes me halt my movement and I look at my arm—a small bruise coloring my skin.

  I shut my eyes and exhale. I’ve always considered myself independent and strong, but I didn’t just lose Hunter three years ago. I lost something precious, and that weakened me. It brought about a feeling to living that was mediocre at best—avoiding the one person I always felt alive with and everything we stood for.

  The memory of him would crash down on me, landing on my core, where I once had the one thing that would connect us forever.

  I shake my head. In punishing him, I punished myself.

  I refuse to listen to the country music stations for fear that I’d hear familiar stories sing through my speakers. And maybe I was wrong in staying away and avoiding him, blocking him out of my life, but I needed to.

  I put my hand over the bruise. Justin got so upset today when I told him I wasn’t going with him to some event he “has to appear at” in San Francisco. I used to think his job as a talent agent was the coolest thing, but after two events I went with him I realized it’s a bunch of hypocrisy. I hate going to events with him. Now he wants me to travel with him during the week when he knows I work and how important my job is to me. Those kids mean the world, and I’m not going to drop them to make Justin look good.

  Lately, I’ve been questioning why I’m still with him. He was sweet and attentive when we first meet, but a month ago he started commenting on the crappy state of my neighborhood and apartment, getting me to move in with him.

  Move in.

  I’ve known him for a few months. There’s no way we’re ready for that step, especially with his latest actions. Actions that I can’t tolerate.

  And then Hunter shows up.

  I close my eyes again. If I know him, he’ll be back tomorrow. He’s persistent. So many things were left unspoken, but so much time has passed. The hurt he left me was planted deep inside me. I spent many nights crying on my couch with a bottle of wine, tempted to respond to him until I blocked his number and social media accounts.

  I needed the space. I needed to stop the pain from swallowing me. When I received my acceptance letter for Teach with Heart, a program to work with underprivileged children in low-income schools, I was ecstatic. Until I read the placement. I had applied to Teach with Heart in hopes that I’d get accepted to my first choice—Nashville. I was placed far away from there, on the edge of the West Coast, and was going to leave it alone. Hunter and I had plans to move to Nashville, and I knew I’d find a job teaching once I arrived. I could still make a difference in children’s lives.

  Until everything happened that night we broke up.

  I quickly accepted the position in California, packed despite my sister begging me not to, and moved out here.

  God, I hated this place. The noise, the smell, the people. Eventually, it all became white noise like the memories with Hunter I washed away.

  Although, one memory was always present in the front of my mind.

  I run out of the front door, dress floating in the breeze as my cowboy boots skip over a muddy puddle. A giggle escapes my lips as I jump to hug Hunter. His arms catch my waist, his lips swallowing my laughs.

  “You look happy.” His eyes twinkle under the full moon.

  “I am.” I hold on a beat longer before my feet are back on the ground.

  “I like seein’ you like this.” His fingers brush against my skin, my smile widening.

  I look up at him, proud of the step he’s taking tonight. “Are you exc
ited?”

  “I’m kinda nervous. Only you know about this, so singin’ in front of the entire town has me in knots.” He wipes the back of his hand across his forehead.

  “You’ll be great. They’ll love you. You’ve been working so hard on this, and I can’t wait for all of them to hear your songs,” I encourage him. He’s been keeping his musical talent between us, and when the local bar started having open mic nights as a new way of entertainment, it only took Hunter a few visits to sign up. Of course, the owner thought it was a joke, but everyone will be able to hear his voice tonight.

  We may be crazy, but I can’t wait to finish college and chase the Nashville dream with him.

  “Come on, cowgirl.” He looks down at my boots. “I love when you wear them.”

  I climb into his truck and settle as he makes his way around. I watch him as he drives, the purse of his lips showing me he’s more nervous than he’s letting on. I know this is a big deal for him—showing the town a different side of him than people expect.

  “Hey, just have fun when it’s your turn.”

  Hunter nods and looks at me from the corner of his eye. “I’m glad you’re with me.” With a squeeze of his hand, we stay in comfortable silence until we get to the bar, our friends already there. None know Hunter will be singing tonight, not even Jack, and their round eyes when the bar owner calls Hunter’s name makes me laugh.

  “Did you know about this?” Jack asks as I stare at Hunter singing with stars in my eyes. I nod, not wanting my words to drown out his voice.

  “How come he didn’t tell me?”

  I look at Jack. “Don’t take it personal. He wasn’t sure how people would react.”

  “He’s good.” Jack brushes a hand through his hair and we both stare at Hunter.

  Seeing him like this, a natural entertainer, I know I’d eventually have to share his talent with the rest of the world, and I don’t mind because watching the smile on his face is proof that this is what he’s meant to do.

  I remember hearing him sing in front of a crowd for the first time. He was a natural, and that night I vowed to make sure Hunter went through with his dream of singing. From what I hear, he didn’t.

  I move around my apartment, picking up the coffee mugs on the kitchen counter and washing them.

  Seeing both mugs brings me back to the present. What am I going to do with Justin?

  Instead of finding an answer to that question, I grab the phone and call my dad. He’s about to get an earful for what he did.

  I’m folding laundry when the doorbell rings. Checking the time on my phone, I realize I’ve lost myself in chores for hours after telling my father he had no right to send Hunter here. He gave me his opinion on my relationship with Justin, and how I’ve changed since I met him.

  That was hard to hear. I’ve always loved where I came from and been proud of my roots. I may not have been born in Springville, but I lived there most of my life. Coming here was a great opportunity to do something I love and mend my broken heart. I wasn’t supposed to stay for three years, but I renewed my contract with Teach with Heart for the two more years they allow, knowing that once this year ends I have to decide what to do.

  My family wants me to go back home. Justin wants me to stay and get a job at some private school his parents have connections to and live with him. If I must work, he prefers it’s in a school where the kids are rich and spoiled.

  I check who’s at the door and sigh. Speak of the devil. Opening it, I stare at a disheveled Justin.

  “What are you doing here?” I lean against the door.

  “I came to apologize. I’ve been going crazy. I’m sorry I yelled at you earlier.” He grips the side of his wrinkled pants. “I understand that you want to stay and work instead of going to San Francisco. I wish you didn’t, but I get it.”

  “You do?” I wrinkle my nose. This morning he didn’t understand it at all.

  “Yeah. My job is important to me, too, and I think it’s sweet you care so much about those kids. Besides, soon you’ll have to leave them, so I get that this time is important to you.”

  I stare at him, my eyebrows scrunched, trying to understand his change of heart.

  “Can I come in?”

  “Are you going to be an asshole?” I cross my arms.

  He chuckles and lifts his hands. “No, promise. I am sorry. I care about you so much, Mackenzie, and it hurts when you don’t want to go to events with me. I snapped, but I’ve had some time to think about it. I’m stressed with work and felt like you didn’t care at all. Forgive me?”

  I look for sincerity in his eyes. The way they cast down as he waits for my answer and the mess of hair on his head soften me.

  “Come in.” I open the door wider.

  Justin hugs me and kicks the door closed behind him. “Thank you. How about I order us pizza and we watch a movie?”

  “Okay.” The anger I felt dissipates a bit as I stare at a vulnerable version of Justin. Relationships aren’t perfect, so maybe we just need to work on it a bit more. Hunter showing up here surprised the both of us.

  I jump out of bed, realizing my alarm clock never went off, and start searching my tiny closet for something to wear.

  “Do you have to make so much noise?” Justin mumbles.

  “Yes, I’m running late.” I yank a shirt from the hanger.

  “Then call in sick and stay in bed with me. We didn’t get a chance to… you know… before you fell asleep watching the movie.”

  I whip around, hands on my hips. “Seriously? You want me to throw away my responsibility to stay home and have sex with you?”

  “I just want to spend time with you.” He sits up and rubs his eyes.

  “We had a nice night yesterday, Justin, don’t screw it up now.” I turn around in search of pants from my closet.

  “Screw it up? My girlfriend hasn’t had sex with me in weeks. Of course I’m frustrated.” He now stands, yanking the sheets from around his legs.

  “You’ve been acting like an ass,” I defend. “This place is never good enough for you to stay the night, and your place is too far for me to get to work.”

  “I don’t need to stay in order for you to fuck me,” he growls.

  My heart stops, my hands dropping to my sides. What happened to his apology yesterday?

  “I need some time.” I shake my head, his words a punch to my gut.

  “You’ll have time when I’m in San Francisco this week.” He pulls his pants up.

  “No. I need time apart.”

  “Is this because of the low-life farmer? You’re better than that. You came here to make a life in this city, away from dirty farms.” His mouth screws as he finishes his argument.

  “I’m from those dirty farms,” I remind him.

  “You’re better. You left that behind. Now, we just need to get you a different job. Pembroke Academy is hiring.”

  I roll my eyes. “I’m not leaving the school. I love what I do. I’m telling you I need time away from us and you continue to try to rule my life.” Frustration etches on my face.

  “You don’t mean that.” His eyes search my face.

  “I do. I’m not just someone you can fuck. I’m not someone you treat like a maid. I’m good for more than cleaning up your mess, attending events with you, and laughing at the appropriate times even when your jokes aren’t funny.” I exhale and look up at the ceiling. No way I’ll make it to work on time.

  I sigh, looking at the man I thought would help mend my broken heart and realize he won’t. I probably shouldn’t have gotten into a relationship with him while my heart still belonged to someone else, but after two and a half years, I wanted to move on and he came along.

  “I need you to leave. I’m already not going to make it to work on time,” I breathe out heavily.

  “You’re fucking kidding me, right? You kick me out without any more explanation? To hell with it, Mackenzie.” His face turns red.

  I pick up his shirt from the back of the corner chair
and toss it to him. “I’m not fucking kidding.”

  “We’re not through,” he promises and then stalks out of my room and my apartment. The boom of the door slamming echoes off the walls. I sit on my bed with my head in my hands. As much as Justin apologized last night, he was again disrespectful this morning.

  Where I come from will never be good enough for him, and that means I’ll never be good enough for him. I refuse to be groomed and molded to fit someone else’s world.

  TODAY WORSENED WITH EACH minute that passed by, my morning with Justin setting the mood for the day. The thumping in my head intensifies as I walk out of work with the sun shining right into my eyes. Sometimes light eyes are a curse.

  I shield my face as my co-worker and friend, Chelle, gasps next to me. I look at her through squinted eyes.

  “Isn’t that Hunter?” She points to my right. I turn to look and roll my eyes.

  “Yes.”

  “Girl, what is he doing here? Is he the reason you asked Justin to take a break?” She stares at me head-on. When I got to work, looking like a hot mess and on the verge of tears, Chelle pulled me into the teacher’s lounge and asked me what was wrong. Her and I clicked when she started working for the school two years ago, and it helps that I work with her group of students the most.

  “He isn’t the reason why I told Justin I needed time apart. Although, he did show up yesterday morning as Justin and I were fighting. It wasn’t pretty, and my shock threw me off the entire day. I already told you why I broke up with Justin.”

  “Well, lover boy here is going to be happy when he finds out you’re available again.” She winks, her dark skin glistening in the sun.

  “You’re ridiculous. I made it clear to Hunter yesterday there is nothing left between us.” I can’t look back when I have a future to make. What Hunter and I experienced, and the things he said, were insensitive and hurtful. I was left to pick up the pieces while he went and chased a dream we both had.

  “You obviously weren’t clear enough,” she giggles. “And if I had a man like him singing to me over the internet in a desperate attempt to find me, I’d go look for him.”