by Railyn Stone
Flipping through the pages, Sydnee felt queasy. “Are you saying you want to send the boys away?” she asked, glancing at Matt’s overly eager face.
“Think about it, Syd. Travis and Charlie would get a superb education, become more independent and self-reliant. And you and I, well, we could have the life we always planned.”
“This is a boarding school.”
She sat forward and shook her head, trying to put everything he was saying together. “Sydnee, it would just be for a year, okay? It’s one of the top schools in the country. We could try it for a year. See how they adjust and that would give us time to work on us. We could have the time to travel and do the things we wanted to do.”
Standing from her seat, Sydnee flung the brochure on the sofa near Matt. “You must be out of your mind. The life we wanted? Matt, that’s the life you wanted. Yes, at one point, I wanted to travel with you, but that was before those two wonderful creatures came into my life.” She didn’t want to even imagine life without her babies being by her side. How could Matt be okay with dropping them off at some school? “Are you crazy?”
“Sydnee, come on. It would give us time to-”
“Matt, there is no way I’m going to send my babies off to some boarding school for someone else to raise. No.” Shaking her head, Sydnee stalked a few feet away and crossed her arms.
“It amazes me how different you and your mother are. She thought it was a great idea,” Matt murmured as he scratched his face and stood. Turning on her heel, Sydnee felt the bitter bile of rage bubbling inside her.
“What? My mother knows about this?” Sydnee fixed her eyes on Matt who shrugged and nodded. He was so nonchalant about everything and at once everything became as clear as water. Her entire life had been carefully constructed by Carroll and just when she was starting to figure out who she was; Matt strolled into her life to plot the rest of it. And now, the two of them were trying to do it all over again. “I want you to answer something for me, Matt. And I want the truth.” Her dark eyes focused and narrowed like a tiger stalking her prey. “Why did you come back? When you just arbitrarily showed up on my doorstep that day. Why did you come?”
“Sydnee, I wanted-”
“Truth, Matt,” she spat with vengeance. She watched him exhale, tilt his head, and in only the most annoying and arrogant way he could, he shrugged.
“Your mother called me.” Dipping her head momentarily, Sydnee looked at the floor and tried to get her bearings. She could feel her hands tremble and she felt sick, but she wanted answers and she was determined to get them once and for all.
“Matt, where is Cassidy?”
“What does it matter?”
Sydnee waltzed over to stand in front of Matt, never taking her eyes off of him. “Where is Cassidy? You are still with her, aren’t you?”
“Yes,” he nodded, and Sydnee’s stomach turned. This sick bastard had no intention of leaving his girlfriend. He was going to keep playing Sydnee like a fiddle if she’d let him. She fought back tears of frustration and anger. How could her mother want her to be with a man who didn’t care about her or their children? He wanted to box the kids up and ship them off to some expensive boarding school and continue to see another woman while stringing Sydnee along. “I wasn’t going to just give her up if you weren’t willing to come back to me.” Sydnee couldn’t believe his nerve. Keeping one horse in the stable in the event he couldn’t tame the other.
“You are a sick man.” She pushed past him and headed out of the study in search of her mother. Sydnee made a beeline for Carroll, who was in the kitchen with a few of her aunts, cleaning up. Most everyone else had left and there were only a few people still hanging around. “Mother, I need to speak to you.” She tried her best to calm down but it was taking everything in her to remain even keeled. She’d gotten her confirmation from Matt and now it was time to get the answers from her mother.
“Sydnee, we were just talking about you and the boys and how good it is to have you home. Sheila was agreeing with me about how wonderful it would be for you to move back.”
“I’m sure you were. I need to speak to you.” She wasn’t in the mood for niceties. Sydnee wanted answers and she wanted them now.
“Well, that’s rude. Sweetheart, what is so important that it can’t wait? Your family’s excited to see you and the boys. We have tons of time to talk later. You aren’t leaving until Sunday.”
“You called Matt.” Sydnee’s stony glare silenced the room. Matt had followed her from the study and was now standing near the doorway to the kitchen.
“What? Honey, what are you talking about?” Carroll looked around at the other ladies in the kitchen. Sydnee watched Carroll’s lips purse in the most graceful way she could, trying to allay the perception of any problems. Sydnee knew none of them would leave as nosy as they all were, and she didn’t really care at the moment. She also knew her mother hated anyone knowing anything about what went on in ‘private family matters,’ but she’d had just about enough and couldn’t keep it in any longer.
“You called Matt and told him I was dating Quinn. Didn’t you?” The room went silent and it was as if time stood still. Carroll’s eyes narrowed.
“Sydnee, this is not the time, nor place for this conversation.”
“So where and when is a good time? Why can’t you just let me live my life?”
“Sydnee Elaine, I did not raise you to talk to me like that. I have let you live your own life and look where it’s gotten you. Single and raising two children alone.” No one in the room moved an inch. A mouse could have piddled on a piece of cotton and it would have been more audible than anyone or anything in the room. Sydnee could feel their eyes getting wider as it looked like she and Carroll were finally going to blow up at one another. She knew most expected it would have happened years ago. She focused in on the woman with snake slit eyes.
“Are you serious?”
“I’m just saying, you are alone raising Travis and Charlie and introducing them to all kinds of people. You need to provide a more stable life for them. Their father needs to be a part of their lives, not some young white man that knows nothing except how to lift weights.” Carroll, carefully and with very controlled movements, folded the dishtowel she was using and placed it on the counter. Even as mad as Sydnee knew she was for having this public confrontation, Carroll was not about to let anyone see her lose it.
Anger like she’d never felt, billowed from every part of her being and Sydnee paused, taking a deep breath before she replied to her mother. “How dare you? How dare you say that about him? You don’t know anything about Quinn. You wouldn’t even take the time to get to know him.”
“How could I? When I was there, you practically quarantined him away from me. You hardly let me talk to the man. What was I supposed to think?” She was still throwing it off on her; like it was Sydnee’s fault her mother had been rude and incorrigible towards Quinn.
“Well, if you hadn’t brow-beat and interrogated him like he was a criminal, maybe I would have encouraged you to talk to him more.” Sydnee didn’t think she’d ever heard her family as silent as they were right now, as she and her mother traded barbs.
“Oh, don’t you give me that. You act like I’m some horrible person, when all I’ve ever wanted for you was the best.” Carroll slapped her hand on the counter and if the room wasn’t silent before, it was truly quieter than a monastic vow of silence now.
“Well, Mother, if you want the best for me, then you should have left well enough alone. Because if you think Matt Garrett is what’s best for me, you obviously are living in some delusional world.” Sydnee eyes swept across the room to center on Matt and all heads turned to follow. He nervously shifted from one foot to the other.
“Really, Sydnee. Matt is a provider. He-”
“Matt is a bastard who wants to ship my children off to a boarding school. But of course, you already know that, don’t you?” Sydnee stood, arms crossed as family members looked back and forth between eac
h other. She could hear one of her aunts, who she knew didn’t care too much for Matt in the first place, suck in a disgusted breath. “And, did you know he’s also still seeing his girlfriend, and who knows who else, just in case your little plan for us to get back together didn’t work? Yes, I bet you didn’t know that about your golden boy.” Sydnee swung her arm over to point at Matt still lurking in the shadows. “That’s what you want for your grandsons? A man who walked out on me and left me to raise our children alone? That constantly offers up nothing but empty promises? That’s how much you think of us?” Sydnee was in tears by now and any other time, she would have been embarrassed to have such a confrontation with her mother in front of everyone, but now she didn’t care. It was useless to try and keep anything a secret in their family and she would just as well have everyone experience it firsthand. It would cut down on the distortion of the story when they relayed it to the family members who were missing at the time.
“Sydnee, maybe if you didn’t give him such a hard time about everything and keep bringing up the past, things could have worked.” Sydnee scrubbed her face with her hands. Her own mother was willing to look past her ex-husband’s sliminess, and for what? Just so Sydnee could say she was married to a man with a six-figure salary? Because he was a provider?
“Do you hear yourself? Why do you even care about him? He left us, Mother. He left me for some other woman, who he is still with. What don’t you understand about that? Matt and I are through, and I refuse to let him ship my children off!” Sydnee felt her entire body shaking with rage. How could her mother think Matt was a better option for her? She would rather be with Quinn, but if she couldn’t be with him, she would be alone. It was a concept her mother just couldn’t seem to fathom.
“So, you are just going to give my grandsons away to some other man that doesn’t have a clue about raising children, especially black children?” Sydnee closed her eyes and groaned. She could feel her stomach churning from all of the frustration she was feeling. It was that same old stupid idea that white people knew nothing about black people, and it was driving her insane. How could race relations ever get better if people continued to hold on to the misconceptions and prejudiced attitudes they had lived with for so long? Why couldn’t they all just be people?
“I can’t believe you. Like Matt has any idea about raising children. Quinn has spent more time with them and been a father to them in more ways than Matt ever has. What does it matter what color he is as long as he’s good to them?” Sydnee’s anger had her chest heaving and her head was beginning to pound. She had never had any kind of confrontation this intense with her mother.
“Oh, Sydnee, get out of your dream world. Nothing is that easy. There are some things you need to open your eyes to. It will never be easy for those two boys in this world. The first thing anyone is going to see is their skin color, regardless of what they do, how they act, or how they talk. I just want them to be strong, confident black men when they grow up. Not some mixed up person who has no idea who they are, and where they came from.”
“Are you listening to yourself? I thought if no one else would support me in this world, you would. You are my mother.” Sydnee just wanted her mother to understand. Yes, she knew things may not be easy for her or her children, but she didn’t want to limit them from being loved by someone who didn’t care about their color. She didn’t want to limit their possibilities, but she wasn’t going to sacrifice their happiness for some shallow and fake life. Matt didn’t love her the way she needed to be loved. He didn’t care about what she wanted or how she felt. The only man who ever did was Quinn. He let her be herself. He talked to her and asked her what she wanted and what she liked. He was interested in who she was and for the first time Sydnee realized it was the happiest time of her life. It was also the only time she could remember in her life that she’d truly felt good about who she was and where she was in her life.
“Sydnee, I could support you if you were making good choices. But I am not going to sit here and lie and say I like what you’re doing. I’m not going to support you being with him.”
“Well, you don’t have to worry about my choices anymore, Mother.” Sydnee responded with newfound confidence.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Carroll asked as prying eyes and listening ears honed in on the mother/daughter tennis match.
“I’m taking my children and we are going home in the morning. If and when you decide you want to be a grandmother to them, and a mother to me, you know where to find us.” Sydnee exhaled slowly, before strolling over to stand in front of Matt. “You’re off the hook. We don’t need you, and I will not let you hurt my children anymore.” She snapped, staring at Matt with some of the coldest eyes he’d ever seen. Squaring her shoulders, she pushed past him, feeling the eyes of her relatives watching her. She could feel her legs trembling as she headed upstairs, slamming the door to the guest room.
CHAPTER 18
Pacing back and forth, Sydnee realized just how lonely she really was. She’d finally cut the apron strings. After years of following every command and suggestion from her mother, she claimed her life. It was a newfound freedom and she wasn’t quite sure how to do it, but she knew it was something she needed to do. It was liberating and scary knowing she was no longer tied to her mother. The woman who raised her. Loved her. Protected her. The bond she had desperately sought between the two would never be there. And now, life was shifting and she was going to have to find her own way. At that moment, the sudden rush of just how much she missed Quinn overwhelmed her. Sinking down on the edge of the bed, she used it as a backrest as she slid to the hardwood floor, hanging her head to cry. He’d given her every opportunity to be herself with him. He was the only person who never told her who or what she needed to be.
She pulled her legs to her chest, wiped her eyes and thought of Quinn and how wonderful he was to her and her children. Not only was he invested in her children, but he was genuinely interested in what she wanted out of life. She thought back to one of the nights they took a stroll after dinner hand in hand. They’d ended up at the playground area of his complex.
He’d pushed her in the swing and she’d squealed as she climbed higher and higher into the sky. Once she’d had enough, he had taken a seat in the swing beside her and they sat talking in the cool night air.
“Okay, you’ve asked me all about my aspirations and my hopes, but what about you? What do you want out of life, Syd?” He asked.
“I want my children to be happy. I want them to grow up knowing they are loved and that I’ll support them and be there for them.” She tilted her head to the side noticing he was shaking his head. “What? What is it?”
“I asked what you wanted. I know what you want for Charlie and Travis, but what about you? What do you want?” He reached over to push her hair behind her ear. “You are constantly thinking about them and that’s great, but what are your dreams?”
She clutched the chains of the swing and looked away from his hypnotic gaze. “I don’t really ever think about it.”
“And, why not?”
Closing her eyes, Sydnee sighed. She opened them and looked back at his unwavering smile. “No one has ever cared about what I wanted. My mother dictated my whole life growing up, and then I got married and my husband dictated it. My dreams just never mattered. So, I stopped dreaming.” She finished softly, looking down at her feet. She felt the warmth of his hand as he tilted her chin up to look him in the eyes.
“Well, they matter to me. And I want to help you start dreaming again, if you’ll let me,” he finished, pushing his swing closer and placing his beautiful lips against hers and a rush of warmth filled her entire being.
Sydnee sat and thought about how glorious her time with Quinn had been. He never asked her for any more than she was willing to give. He never pushed her to be anything she wasn’t. He wanted her the way she was and it hurt to think he may never be a part of her life again. She had emancipated herself from her mother, but now, w
hat good would it do her? Quinn was gone, and she had let him go.
###
“Charlie, Travis? Hey, come on, where are you guys?” Sydnee called as she trudged through the tree lot. Earlier, she heard them laughing and chattering through the trees, but now she wasn’t sure where they were. It had been months since her family reunion and she hadn’t heard from her mother once. She spoke to her brother a few days after she returned home, who told her he was proud of her for standing up for herself and if she needed anything, she could call him. He also told her he would keep working on their mother. Sydnee told him not to bother. She loved her mother, but she had to live her own life and if her mother couldn’t accept it, then she wasn’t going to force it.
She hadn’t heard from Quinn, but then again, she didn’t expect to. He had left Louisville, and it was just as well. She knew he had to go and she was happy for him. She was grateful for the time they had together and knew he was the reason she had the courage to reclaim her life. She still got sad and wistful from time to time and she tried her best to keep herself too busy for those thoughts. Now it was the day after Thanksgiving again, and the boys had begged and pleaded with her to buy their Christmas tree. After a ton of begging, she relented. As they pulled into the lot, she could feel her heart racing even though she knew Quinn would not be there.
Before she could get the car parked completely, the boys were out of the SUV and racing through the trees. After a while, she could no longer hear them laughing and squealing and she started to get nervous. “Guys, where are you?” She’d been through just about the entire lot and was close to the end of her patience. Still no sign of Charlie or Travis. “Charlie? Travis? I am not playing. You better answer me this instant.” She pulled her scarf tighter and quickened her steps.
