Heller

by JD Nixon

  He sighed and stroked my cheek gently with his fingers. I flinched from his touch. “Go to bed, Matilda. I’m tired. I don’t wish to talk to you now.”

  I’m not a person who needs to be told things twice. I walked away from him and went back to my flat, flinging myself on my bed. For the rest of the night I was tortured by the image of Heller hungrily thrusting into a big-breasted woman with a fake tan, who was moaning ecstatically, her bleached blonde hair streaming on the pillow, her arms and legs, nails long and red, clinging around his torso, his hands massaging her breasts, his mouth smearing her red lipstick with deep fervent kisses. The tears trickled down my cheeks as I eventually fell asleep.

  Chapter 19

  I woke with a thumping hangover. I lay in bed for a while, wishing that death would visit me quickly. Unfortunately, it didn’t. I eventually dragged my sorry butt out of bed and into the shower, leaning against the tiles, letting the hot water cascade over my aching head. I popped some paracetamol and drank glass after glass of water.

  I spent the day in my pyjamas, eating leftover ice-cream and watching trashy daytime TV. I ignored every knock on my door and after the third time, jammed one of my dining chairs under the doorknob to stop any unannounced visitors. I had enough provisions to get me through a siege for a few days if necessary.

  I rang Dixie, Mum, both my grandmothers, my two sisters-in-law, a couple of my favourite female cousins and my other girlfriends, determinedly cheerful. I didn’t want to tell anyone how I felt, but I needed women and their sensible advice, their laughter and honesty. I was completely over men. After my last call, I hung up the phone. It rang immediately.

  “Matilda, have you had the phone off the hook?”

  “No.”

  “I’ve been trying to ring you for hours. You can’t have been on the phone for so long.”

  “I have.”

  “I’ve been worried about you. You’re not answering your door. Are you all right?”

  “Yes.” I hung up. The phone rang again. I lifted the handset, pressed the end-call button and took out the batteries.

  The English Patient was on TV that night and I watched it, tears streaming down my face. I went to bed early, clutching a spare pillow to my chest.

  The next day I felt like a human being again, but harder, much harder. I wouldn’t be fooled by a night-time foot rub from a sexy man in a hot tub again. I dressed casually and went to the office to check my emails. More spam, more crap from my family, more porn from Dixie, even though I’d specifically told her not to send me any. I sighed heavily. My life was the pits at the moment.

  Niq walked in, ready to settle at his desk and start his school work.

  “Hey cutie-pie,” I said to him.

  “Hey Tilly. You haven’t forgotten that you promised to take me shopping, have you?”

  “No,” I lied. “If you work hard this morning, I’ll ask Heller if we can go this afternoon. How does that sound?”

  “Cool! Thanks!” He set to work with renewed enthusiasm.

  There was an envelope in my in-tray. It was a letter, no postmark and no return address. It must have been hand-delivered. I opened it, noting the thick quality paper, emblazoned with the logo of the hotel that Lily had been staying at. The writing was large and extravagant.

  Dearest Tilly

  I know that you’re very angry with me and will probably be glad not to ever see me again, but I wanted to thank you for everything that you did for me during my visit. I had a blast and wouldn’t have missed it for the world! My husband has forgiven me already (after I fucked his brains out last night!) and has now promised me my own sports car!!! Men are such suckers!

  Please find enclosed a little token of my love and friendship.

  Love Lily xxxx

  Poor deluded fool, I thought pityingly of Mr Hayek. A cheque fell out of the envelope, made out to me personally, and I nearly fell off my chair when I saw the five-figured amount written on it. I’d lived off less for an entire year! I shoved the letter and cheque in my drawer, before working industriously to finalise my report on the Hayek assignment so that Daniel could close the account.

  Heller strolled into the office, dressed in the black Heller’s polo shirt, black cargo pants and chunky black boots. His eyes flicked to me, but he went over to Niq and pulled up a chair, listening intently for fifteen minutes while Niq explained his current schoolwork and what he was doing. He asked a few questions in a muted voice and then stood up, patting Niq affectionately on his back.

  As he walked past my desk he said, “We need to talk,” and continued walking into his office. I stopped typing, saved my file, retrieved the envelope from my drawer and went in, taking a deep, calming breath beforehand. I sat down at his desk opposite him, my face a serene mask.

  “Why the communication barricade yesterday?” he asked with deceptive casualness, swinging on his chair.

  I shrugged coolly, my eyes on my hands. “I needed some down-time.”

  “Was it because of anything I did?” I met his glance, directed at me from under his lashes in an uncharacteristically self-conscious gesture.

  I shook my head, deliberately shifting my gaze to the window.

  “So everything’s okay between us?”

  “Of course. Why wouldn’t it be?” I glanced out at the expanse of blue sky visible from his large windows, filled with a sudden strong desire to get out of this building. I wanted to feel warm rays of sunshine on my skin and breathe in some fresh air.

  He drummed his fingers on the table. “I don’t think you’re being honest with me, Matilda. I think you’re upset with me and I’m not sure why. Is it something to do with the other night?”

  I sat in silence, wistfully regarding that beautiful azure sky. He sighed in frustration. I returned my eyes to him and pushed the envelope across the desk in his direction. “Here you go. This should cover my upkeep for a while.”

  He opened the envelope and read the short note, his eyebrows rising when he saw the cheque. He pushed the envelope back to me. I pushed it back to him. Frowning, he pushed it back over to my side of the desk.

  “Matilda, it’s your bonus. It’s not for me. You earned it. I’ve already received my fee for that assignment and I can assure you that it will cover all of our upkeep for a considerable time.”

  “I can’t keep it. They were your clients. It’s your money.”

  He growled in exasperation. “I always let my men keep any tips they receive from clients. It’s only fair. A tip is for their particular service.”

  “I don’t want the money. It’s an outrageous amount to tip someone.”

  “You deserve every cent of it. Put it away for a rainy day.”

  “No.”

  “Yes.”

  “No. It’s wrong.”

  “What’s wrong about it?”

  “I didn’t do anything to deserve it.”

  “You saved Mrs Hayek from a dangerous situation and that’s important to her. She’s a very wealthy woman who likes to show her gratitude with gifts of money. Be graceful, Matilda.”

  I exchanged an intense glance with him, losing the eyeball-battle as usual. Surrendering, I shrugged and took back the envelope. I wouldn’t like anyone to think I wasn’t graceful. Or grateful.

  I changed the subject. “Niq wants me to take him to the shopping centre. I told him that if he worked hard this morning, I’d take him after lunch. Is that all right with you?”

  He hesitated. “I’m not keen on the idea, but yes, I suppose so. If that’s what he wants.”

  “That’s what he wants. It will be good for him to get out into the real world. He’s cooped up in here far too much.”

  “It’s better that way.”

  “Who for? You or him?”

  “Both of us. Are we finished here? I have an appointment,” he asked bluntly. I took the hint and stood up.

  “Can I borrow a car this afternoon?”

  “I’ll ask Rumbles to drive you.”

  That made my
blood boil. “You never let me drive. Don’t you trust women drivers?”

  “It makes me feel better to know he’s there.”

  “I want to drive this afternoon. Like a normal person.”

  “If I say no, will you lock yourself away again and not speak to me?”

  “Possibly. Depends what mood I’m in.”

  He gave a long-suffering sigh. “I don’t want you to do that again, Matilda. I was concerned.”

  I didn’t want to hear about it. “Well?” I asked belligerently.

  “Okay, but I’ve only got 4WDs. Do you know how to drive one?” I rolled my eyes in disbelief and muttered under my breath, but loud enough for him to hear, about him being a sexist neanderthal whose views of women must have been formed sometime during the Stone Age, although in all truth I’d never driven one before. His lips compressed with irritation. “The keys are in a locked metal cabinet on the wall as you go down the stairs to the second basement. You can take one of the fleet vehicles. Whichever one is free. You’ll need your staff card to open the cabinet to get the keys and then you need to swipe your staff card and the barcode of the keys in the reader to record that you’ve taken it. Do the same when you get back to record your return. You’ll also need your card to go in and out of the building.”

  I stood up to leave. He added one last instruction, “And please be careful.”

  “Don’t worry, I’ll be careful of your precious 4WD,” I snapped.

  “No, Matilda,” he reproved gently. “I meant be careful of you and Niq.” I walked out of the room without another word.

  Heller left the office not much later, barely missing Daniel who was arriving. I showed him the cheque Lily had sent me.

  “You deserve it,” he insisted.

  “That’s what Heller said.”

  “Don’t feel guilty about it. Just deposit it in your bank account.”

  “I s’pose. Hey, Niq and I are going shopping this afternoon. Do you want to come? You never get away from here.”

  He hesitated, hand subconsciously creeping up to his scar.

  “You might meet somebody cute,” I teased.

  “It’d be better than looking at you all day!” he retorted rudely. I laughed and ruffled his hair, messing up his fashionable do. He squirmed and pushed me away.

  “Come on, it’ll be fun. The three musketeers go shopping,” I pleaded.

  “I don’t like to go out in public,” he admitted. “People stare at me.”

  “So what? Everyone stares at everyone. It’s human nature.”

  “I should talk to Heller first before I decide.”

  “Heller’s gone for the day. You’ll have to make a decision by yourself for once,” I teased again. He slapped my arm. “When was the last time you left this building?”

  “I don’t know. It’s been a long time.”

  He was reluctant and I should have just let it go, but I didn’t. The devil was inside me this morning and I pestered poor Daniel until he snapped and agreed to come with us. I knew it would annoy Heller and that’s all I cared about right then.

  The morning passed. After a curt phone call from Clive, I went down to the security section to take delivery of a fresh canister of capsicum spray that he handed over in his usual dour manner. I received a few slaps on the back from some of the men I hadn’t even met, and that made me feel good.

  I made the boys some lunch, checking Niq’s schoolwork while we ate. He had worked very hard, so none of us felt guilty in ditching the office for the afternoon. I asked Daniel if he was going to change, thinking he’d be overly hot in his long-sleeved shirt, but he didn’t want to. That made me realise that I never had seen him in short-sleeves, not even on the hottest day. I briefly wondered why and determined to ask him the next time we were alone.

  I found the car keys and picked up the last 4WD left in the garage, as instructed. I regarded it with dismay, because it must have been one of the oldest of the Heller’s fleet, an ugly workhorse of a utility vehicle. It had surely been designed for some bone-rattling charity endurance race across all the deserts of the world, not urban living.

  I almost needed a ladder to climb into the driver’s seat. After three minutes fumbling around adjusting the seat that some giant of a man had pushed back to its maximum capacity so I couldn’t even reach the pedals, and another two trying to work out how to turn the vehicle on, we finally drove cautiously out of the Warehouse. It was like a tank to drive and I wasn’t comfortable perched so high above the traffic manoeuvring the blasted thing around. And I felt guilty about the environment the whole time I was driving, worried that all the other drivers were judging me as a greedy petrol-guzzler.

  The shopping centre was surprisingly busy for a week day afternoon and we had to negotiate our way to the far end of the carpark to find a free spot. It took me five attempts to get the tank into the narrow car space, terrified of damaging either it or the neighbouring cars. Daniel and Niq laughed at me the whole time.

  “Get stuffed, the both of you,” I suggested testily, as I finally was ready to turn off the ignition.

  Niq jumped out of the car excitedly. Daniel seemed tense. I gripped his hand and squeezed it, giving him an encouraging smile. He took a deep breath and opened the door. As we walked to the centre, I noticed that he didn’t make any eye contact with other people, staring resolutely at the ground. I was shocked at how rudely some people gawked at him. Not just him either. Niq, in full Goth regalia, was also the object of curious looks, but boldly stared down anyone who dared to look at him. I admired the kid’s spirit.

  They were immediately drawn to a large electrical store. I left them at the store briefly while I went to deposit Lily’s cheque in my rainy day savings account that had less than five dollars in it. The cheque boosted it considerably and I felt almost rich as I walked back to meet up with the boys. Niq had his arms full of CDs and Xbox games. Daniel was overdosing on DVDs.

  “Who’s paying for all of that?” I asked, laughing.

  “Heller,” they responded simultaneously.

  For myself, I picked out a purple iPod to help motivate me while I exercised as I had promised myself, and a new digital camera to replace the one I had to hock to pay the rent all those months ago when I was destitute. We paid for our purchases. Daniel insisted I put my goods in his basket, but I firmly declined, determined to pay for them myself. I didn’t want to be in Heller’s debt anymore than I had to.

  We visited a giant bookstore next. Niq loaded up on anime books and I browsed the cooking section with Daniel. He picked out four cookbooks for me, demanding that I make something from one of them tonight for him and Niq. I told him I’d think about it. Next we hit a jeweller’s where Niq pored over the Gothy earrings and rings, buying a couple more of each. Then Daniel wanted to browse a high-end shoe shop, finally emerging with two new pairs, after much discussion and light-hearted arguments from the three of us.

  We’d been in the centre for over two hours by then and to be frank, I’d had enough. I never was much of a one for shopping, never having had much money to spend before. I suggested we stop for refreshments and we found a quiet coffee shop where I ordered Daniel and myself lattes and Niq a chocolate milkshake and a plate-sized jam doughnut that I promised not to tell Heller about.

  “This is fun,” Niq said, slurping happily, in sugar heaven. “We should do this more often.” I agreed with him. Even Daniel nodded his head cautiously.

  “Seen any cute girls?” I teased Niq. He poked out his tongue. “What about you, Daniel? You see any?”

  “Who said I’m interested in girls?” he replied. Niq and I exchanged a surprised glance. I leant my chin on my hands and stared at him intently.

  “Daniel, how fascinating! Please tell me more.”

  “Mind your own business, Tilly.” He swatted my arm. “You see any cute boys?”

  “For me or for you?” I teased. Another swat. “Nah, not me. I’m not even looking. I’ve given up on men forever.”

  “Don
’t let the security men hear you say that. They’re all pretty keen on you,” Daniel said slyly. “I hear they’re even currently running a poll on your best feature.”

  “Are you kidding me? That’s so demeaning!” I stared at him, outraged. Then I was overcome with reluctant curiosity. “What’s the front-runner so far?”

  “Your boobs are ahead by miles, followed by your legs, your butt, your eyes, your lips and your hair.”

  “Unbelievable! What a bunch of unevolved knuckle-draggers! What does Heller have to say about all of this?”

  “I think he voted for your boobs,” Daniel grinned. Niq sniggered quietly into his hand.

  “You’re just making all of this up,” I accused.

  He laughed. “No, I’m not. Why else do you think he hired you? We all know it wasn’t for your work skills.”

  And for that comment he received a well-deserved thumping.

  “Ow!” he complained. “You’re mean.”

  “Come on, I’m sick of you. Let’s go home.”

  I paid the bill and we gathered up all our new possessions and headed back to the tank. As we approached it I noticed a group of young men, late teens and early twenties, lounging on the backstairs to an adjacent office block. They were smoking and drinking, uncouth and idle. You know the type – losers with no jobs and no prospects, who hang around in public spaces all day, harassing innocent passers-by. They started heckling us as we walked past. Niq and I stared back at them, Daniel kept his eyes on the ground.

  As we passed them, a rough voice yelled obscenities at us, calling out “Frankenstein” and “Goth shit”. I gave them the finger as we walked past, which only made them jeer even harder. My blood started to boil immediately. How dare these scumbags even think to pass judgemental comment on my two beautiful boys? I stopped briefly, before deliberately continuing to walk the ten metres to the tank. I unlocked the back of the 4WD and we threw our purchases inside. I turned around and walked slowly back to the men.