My Beautiful Laundrette

by Hanif Kureishi

  JOHNNY: Drinking, I went. With me old mates. It’s not illegal.

  OMAR: ’Course it is. Laundrettes are a big commitment. Why aren’t you at work?

  JOHNNY: It’ll be closing time soon. You’ll be locking the place up, and coming to bed.

  OMAR: No, it never closes. And one of us has got to be there. That way we begin to make money.

  JOHNNY: You’re getting greedy.

  OMAR: I want big money. I’m not gonna be beat down by this country. When we were at school, you and your lot kicked me all round the place. And what are you doing now? Washing my floor. That’s how I like it. Now get to work. Get to work I said. Or you’re fired!

  (OMAR grabs him and pulls him up. JOHNNY doesn’t resist. OMAR throws his shirt and shoes at him. JOHNNY dresses.)

  JOHNNY: (Touching him) What about you?

  OMAR: I don’t wanna see you for a little while. I got some big thinking to do.

  (JOHNNY looks regretfully at him.)

  JOHNNY: But today, it’s been the best day!

  OMAR: Yeah. Almost the best day.

  INT. TOP HALL. NIGHT

  JOHNNY, dressed now, walks past the party room. The PAKISTANI STUDENT is now playing a tabla in the hall. JOHNNY ignores him, though the student looks ironically at him.

  INT. BOTTOM ENTRANCE HALL OF THE HOUSE, NIGHT

  JOHNNY stops by a wall box in the hall. He pulls a bunch of keys out of his pocket and unlocks the wall box.

  He reaches in and pulls a switch.

  INT. OUTSIDE THE HOUSE. NIGHT

  JOHNNY walks away from the house. He has plunged the party room into darkness. In the room people are screaming.

  The PAKISTANI STUDENT yells out of the window at JOHNNY.

  PAKISTANI STUDENT: You are not human! You are cold people, you English, the big icebergs of Europe!

  (OMAR stands at the next window along, looking out. This room is lighted.

  JOHNNY chuckles to himself as he walks jauntily away.)

  INT. LAUNDRETTE. NIGHT

  Nina Simone’s smooth ‘Walk On By’ playing in the laundrette.

  And there are still plenty of people around.

  The TELEPHONE CHARACTER has turned to the wall, head down, to concentrate on his conversation.

  A MAN is asleep on a bench. JOHNNY walks past him, notices he’s asleep and suddenly pokes him. The MAN jumps awake. JOHNNY points at the man’s washing.

  A young black COUPLE are dancing, holding each other sleepily as they wait for their washing.

  A BUM comes in through the door, slowly, with difficulty in walking. He’s wearing a large black overcoat with the collar turned up. JOHNNY watches him.

  JOHNNY: Hey!

  (The BUM doesn’t respond. JOHNNY goes to him and takes his arm, about to chuck him out. Then the BUM turns to JOHNNY.)

  PAPA: I recognize you at least. Let me sit.

  (JOHNNY leads PAPA up the laundrette.

  The TELEPHONE CHARACTER throws down the receiver and walks out.)

  JOHNNY: (Deferential now) We were expecting you today.

  PAPA: I’ve come.

  JOHNNY: The invitation was for two o’clock, Mr Ali.

  PAPA: (Looking at his watch) It’s only ten past now. I thought I’d come to the wrong place. That I was suddenly in the ladies’ hairdressing salon in Pinner, where one might get a pink rinse. Do you do a pink rinse, Johnny? Or are you still a fascist?

  JOHNNY: You used to give me a lot of good advice, sir. When I was little.

  PAPA: When you were little. What’s it made of you? Are you a politician? Journalist? A trade unionist? No, you are an underpants cleaner. (Self-mocking.) Oh dear, the working class are such a great disappointment to me.

  JOHNNY: I haven’t made much of myself.

  PAPA: You’d better get on and do something.

  JOHNNY: Yes. Here, we can do something.

  PAPA: Help me. I want my son out of this underpants cleaning condition. I want him reading in college. You tell him: you go to college. He must have knowledge. We all must, now. In order to see clearly what’s being done and to whom in this country. Right?

  JOHNNY: I don’t know. It depends on what he wants.

  PAPA: No. (Strongly.) You must use your influence. (PAPA gets up and walks out slowly. JOHNNY watches him go, sadly. PAPA turns.) Not a bad dump you got here.

  EXT. OUTSIDE THE LAUNDRETTE. NIGHT

  PAPA walks away from the laundrette.

  EXT. THE DRIVE OF NASSER’S HOUSE. DAY

  JOHNNY has come by bus to Nasser’s house. And OMAR opens the front door to him. JOHNNY is about to step into the house. OMAR takes him out into the drive.

  JOHNNY: What you make me come all this way for?

  OMAR: Gotta talk.

  JOHNNY: You bloody arse. (At the side of the house a strange sight. TANIA is climbing a tree. BILQUIS is at the bottom of the tree yelling instructions to her in Urdu. JOHNNY and OMAR watch.) What’s going on?

  OMAR: It’s heavy, man. Bilquis is making magical potions from leaves and bird beaks and stuff. She’s putting them on Rachel.

  (JOHNNY watches TANIA groping for leaves in amazement.)

  JOHNNY: Is it working?

  OMAR: Rachel rang me. She’s got the vicar round. He’s performing an exorcism right now. The furniture’s shaking. Her trousers are walking by themselves.

  INT. NASSER’S ROOM. DAY

  OMAR and JOHNNY and NASSER are sitting at a table in Nasser’s room, playing cards. TANIA is sulky. He puts his cards down.

  NASSER: I’m out.

  (He gets up and goes and lies down on the bed, his arm over his face.

  OMAR and JOHNNY continue playing. They put their cards down. JOHNNY wins. He collects the money.)

  OMAR: Salim’s gotta have money. Soon. A lot of money. He threatened me. (They get up and walk out of the room, talking in low voices. NASSER lies there on the bed, not listening but brooding.) I didn’t wanna tell you before. I thought I could raise the money on the profits from the laundrette. But it’s impossible in the time.

  INT. HALL OUTSIDE NASSER’S ROOM. DAY

  They walk down the hall to the verandah.

  JOHNNY: This city’s chock-full of money. When I used to want money –

  OMAR: You’d steal it.

  JOHNNY: Yeah. Decide now if you want it to be like that again.

  INT. VERANDAH. DAY

  They reach the verandah. Outside, in the garden, the two younger DAUGHTERS are playing.

  At the other end of the verandah BILQUIS and TANIA are sitting on the sofa, a table in front of them. BILQUIS is mixing various ingredients in a big bowl – vegetables, bits of bird, leaves, some dog urine, the squeezed eyeball of a newt, half a goldfish, etc. We see her slicing the goldfish.

  At the same time she is dictating a letter to TANIA, which TANIA takes down on a blue airletter. TANIA looks pretty fed-up.

  OMAR and JOHNNY sit down and watch them.

  JOHNNY: She’s illiterate. Tania’s writing to her sister for her. Bilquis is thinking of going back, after she’s hospitalized Rachel. (BILQUIS looks up at them, her eyes dark and her face humourless.) Nasser’s embarked on a marathon sulk. He’s going for the world record.

  (Pause. JOHNNY changes the subject back when TANIA – suspecting them of laughing at her – gives them a sharp look.)

  JOHNNY: We’ll just have to do a job to get the money.

  OMAR: I don’t want you going back to all that.

  JOHNNY: Just to get us through, Omo. It’s for both of us. If we’re going to go on. You want that, don’t you?

  OMAR: Yes. I want you.

  (Suddenly NASSER appears at the door and starts abusing BILQUIS in loud Urdu, telling her that the magic business is stupid, etc. But BILQUIS has a rougher, louder tongue. She says, among other things, in Urdu, that NASSER is a big fat black man who should get out of her sight for ever.

  TANIA is very distressed by this, hands over face. Suddenly she gets up. The magic potion bowl is knocked over, the evil ingredient
s spilling over Bilquis’ feet. BILQUIS screams. JOHNNY starts laughing, BILQUIS picks up the rest of the bowl and throws the remainder of the potion over NASSER.)

  INT. OUTSIDE A SMART HOUSE. NIGHT

  A semi-detached house. A hedge around the front of the house.

  JOHNNY is forcing the front window. He knows what he’s doing. He climbs in. He indicates to OMAR that he should follow. And OMAR follows.

  INT. FRONT ROOM OF THE HOUSE. NIGHT

  They’re removing the video and TV and going out the front door with them. Their car is parked outside.

  Suddenly a tiny KID of about eight is standing behind them at the bottom of the stairs. He is an INDIAN KID. OMAR looks at him, the KID opens his mouth to yell, OMAR grabs the KID and slams his hand over his mouth. While he holds the KID, JOHNNY goes out with the stereo. Then the compact disc player.

  OMAR leaves the stunned KID and makes a run for it.

  INT. BACK ROOM OF LAUNDRETTE. NIGHT

  There are televisions, stereos, radios, videos, etc. stacked up in the back room, OMAR stands there looking at them.

  JOHNNY comes in struggling with a video, OMAR smiles at him. JOHNNY doesn’t respond.

  INT. HALL. DAY

  The top hall of the house JOHNNY lives in. JOHNNY, wearing jeans and T-shirt, barefoot, only recently having woken up, is banging on the door of the Pakistani student’s room.

  OMAR is standing beside him, smartly dressed and carrying a briefcase. He’s spent the night with JOHNNY. And now he’s going to the laundrette.

  JOHNNY: (To door) Rent day! Rent up, man!

  (OMAR watches him. JOHNNY looks unhappy.)

  OMAR: I said it would bring you down, stealing again. It’s no good for you. You need a brand new life.

  (The PAKISTANI STUDENT opens the door. OMAR moves away. To JOHNNY.) Party tonight. then we’ll be in the clear.

  PAKISTANI STUDENT: Unblock the toilet, yes, Johnny?

  JOHNNY: (Looking into the room) Tonight. You’re not doing nothing political in there, are you, man? I’ve gotta take a look.

  (OMAR, laughing, moves away. JOHNNY shoves the door hard and the PAKISTANI STUDENT relents.)

  INT. PAKISTANI STUDENT’S ROOM. DAY

  JOHNNY goes into the room. A young PAKISTANI STUDENT is sitting on the bed with a CHILD.

  A younger PAKISTANI BOY of about fourteen is standing behind her. And across the room a PAKISTANI GIRL of seventeen.

  PAKISTANI STUDENT: My family, escaping persecution. (JOHNNY looks at him.) Are you a good man or are you a bad man?

  EXT. COUNTRY LANE AND DRIVE OF NASSER’S HOUSE. EVENING

  OMAR and JOHNNY are sitting in the back of a mini-cab.

  JOHNNY is as dressed up as is OMAR, but in fashionable street clothes rather than an expensive dark suit. JOHNNY will be out of keeping sartorially with the rest of the party.

  The young ASIAN DRIVER moves the car towards Nasser’s house.

  The house is a blaze of light and noise. And the drive is full of cars and PAKISTANIS and INDIANS getting noisily out of them. Looking at the house, the lights, the extravagance, JOHNNY laughs sarcastically.

  OMAR, paying the driver, looks irritably at JOHNNY.

  JOHNNY: What does he reckon he is, your uncle? Some kinda big Gatsby geezer( (OMAR gives him a cutting look.) Maybe this just isn’t my world. You’re right. Still getting married? (They both get out of the car. OMAR walks towards the house. JOHNNY stands there a moment, not wanting to face it all.

  When OMAR has almost reached the front door and TANIA has come out to hug him, JOHNNY moves towards the house.

  TANIA hugs JOHNNY.

  OMAR looks into the house and sees SALIM and CHERRY in the crowd in the front room. He waves at SALIM but SALIM ignores him. CHERRY is starting to look pregnant.

  BILQUIS is standing at the end of the hall. She greets OMAR in Urdu. And he replies in rudimentary Urdu.

  JOHNNY feels rather odd since he’s the only white person in sight.)

  INT./EXT. THE VERANDAH, PATIO AND GARDEN. EVENING

  The house, patio and garden are full of well-off, well-dressed, well-pissed, middle-class PAKISTANIS and INDIANS.

  The American, DICK, and the ENGLISHMAN are talking together.

  DICK: England needs more young men like Omar and Johnny, from what I can see.

  ENGLISHMAN: (Slightly camp) The more boys like that the better.

  (We see OMAR on the verandah talking confidently to various people. Occasionally he glances at SALIM who is engrossed in conversation with ZAKI and Zaki’s WIFE. A snatch of their conversation.

  NASSER: Now Cherry is pregnant I will be buying a house. I am going to have many children …

  (BILQUIS is there. She is alone but there is a fierceness and cheerfulness about her that we haven’t noticed before.

  JOHNNY doesn’t know who to talk to. CHERRY goes up to him.)

  CHERRY: Please, can you take charge of the music for us?

  (JOHNNY looks at her. Then he shakes his head.

  NASSER, in drunken, ebullient mood, takes OMAR across the room to ZAKI, who is with SALIM.)

  ZAKI: (Shaking hands with OMAR) Omar, my boy.

  (SALIM moves away.)

  NASSER (To OMAR, of ZAKI) Help him (To ZAKI.) Now tell him, please.

  ZAKI: Oh God, Omo, I’ve got these two damn laundrettes in your area. I need big advice on them.

  (We hear Omar’s voice as we look at the party.)

  OMAR: I won’t advise you. If the laundrettes are a trouble to you I’ll pay you rent for them plus a percentage of the profits.

  NASSER: How about it, Zaki? He’ll run them with Johnny.

  (We see TANIA talking to two interested PARKISTANI MEN in their middle twenties who see her as marriageable and laugh at everything she says. But TANIA is looking at JOHNNY who is on his own, drinking. He also dances, bending his knees and doing an inconspicuous handjive. He smiles at TANIA.

  TANIA goes across to JOHNNY. He whispers something in her ear. She leads JOHNNY by the hand out into the garden.

  BILQUIS looks in fury at NASSER, blaming him for this. He turns away from her.

  ZAKI is happily explaining to his wife about the deal with OMAR.)

  EXT. GARDEN. EVENING

  TANIA leads JOHNNY across the garden, towards the little garden house at the end. A bicycle is leaning against it. She takes off her shoes. And they hold each other and dance.

  INT. THE HOUSE. EVENING

  SALIM is on his own a moment. OMAR moves towards him. SALIM walks out and across the garden.

  EXT. GARDEN. EVENING

  OMAR follows SALIM across the lawn.

  OMAR: I’ve got it. (SALIM turns to him.) The instalment. It’s hefty, Salim. More than you wanted.

  (OMAR fumbles for the money in his jacket pocket. At the end of the garden JOHNNY and TANIA are playing around with a bicycle. OMAR, shaking, drops some of the money, SALIM raises his hand in smiling rejection.)

  SALIM: Don’t ever offer me money. It was an educational test I put on you. To make you see you did a wrong thing.

  (TANIA and JOHNNY are now riding the bicycle on the lawn.)

  Don’t in future bite the family hand when you can eat out of it. If you need money just ask me. Years ago your uncles lifted me up. And I will do the same for you.

  (Through this OMAR has become increasingly concerned as TANIA, with JOHNNY on the back of the bicycle, is riding at Salim’s back. OMAR shouts out.)

  OMAR: Tania!

  (And he tries to pull SALIM out of the way. But TANIA crashes into SALIM, knocking him flying flat on his face. NASSER comes rushing down the lawn.

  TANIA and JOHNNY lie laughing on their backs.

  SALIM gets up quickly, furiously, and goes to punch JOHNNY.

  OMAR and NASSER grab an arm of SALIM’s each, JOHNNY laughs in SALIM’s face.)

  (To SALIM) All right, all right, he’s no one.

  (SALIM calms down quickly and just raises a warning finger at JOHNNY. The confrontation is mainly dive
rted by NASSER going for TANIA.)

  NASSER: (To TANIA) You little bitch! (He grabs at TANIA to hit her. JOHNNY pulls her away.) What the hell d’you think you’re doing?

  SALIM: (To NASSER) Can’t you control your bloody people? (And he abuses NASSER in Urdu. NASSER curses and scowls in English:) Why should you be able to? You’ve gambled most of your money down the toilet! (SALIM turns and walks away.)

  TANIA: (Pointing after him) That smooth suppository owns us! Everything! Our education, your businesses, Rachel’s stockings. It’s his!

  NASSER: (To OMAR) Aren’t you two getting married?

  OMAR: Yes, yes, any day now.

  TANIA: I’d rather drink my own urine.

  OMAR: I hear it can be quite tasty, with a slice of lemon.

  NASSER: Get out of my sight, Tania!

  TANIA: I’m going further than that.

  (NASSER turns and storms away. As he walks up the lawn we see that BILQUIS has been standing a quarter of the way down the lawn, witnessing all this.

  NASSER stops for a moment beside her, not looking at her. He walks on.)

  OMAR: (To JOHNNY) Let’s get out of here.

  TANIA: (To JOHNNY) Take me.

  (OMAR shakes his head and takes JOHNNY’s hand.)

  OMAR: Salim’ll give us a lift.

  JOHNNY: What?

  OMAR: I need him for something I’ve got in mind.

  INT. SALIM’S CAR. NIGHT

  SALIM is driving JOHNNY and OMAR along a country lane, fast, away from Nasser’s house.

  JOHNNY is sitting in the back, looking out of the window.

  OMAR is sarcastic for JOHNNY’s unheeding benefit and undetected by the humourless SALIM.

  OMAR: Well, thanks, Salim, you know. For saving the laundrette and everything. And for giving us a lift. Our car’s bust.