Broken Soldier: A Novel

by Clara Frost

  “I can understand not being happy with how you look.” He kicked the snow with his blade. “I cannot ever get back what I’ve lost.”

  “And I do not wish to ever gain back what I have lost.”

  “I understand more than you think. I used to have a... friend that wasn’t happy with how she looked. She starved herself trying to please others.”

  “The girl Paul mentioned?” She said it softly, no accusation and no jealousy in it.

  Lorena. She was still a difficult memory. “Yes.”

  “How long were you two together?”

  It felt like she could see right into his heart. “Two years, half of it long distance.”

  “She was Spanish?”

  Rafa nodded.

  “If you were at West Point for part of that, it really was long distance.”

  “That was part of the problem, but not all of it. I was so sure of myself. So sure of what I wanted out of life and what kind of officer I was going to be. Lorena, that was her name, tried so hard to conform to what she thought she should be.”

  “So what happened?”

  “Iraq. Afghanistan. War. I couldn’t make her a widow, so I ended the relationship.” He swallowed, remembering back to that sweltering Madrid evening. The tears in her eyes. The ache in his heart. It was something he had never wanted, and never wanted to put himself, or anyone else, through again.

  “It was hard on you.” Emily squeezed his coat sleeve.

  “It was, but it’s the past. A lot has happened since then.”

  They reached the driveway to the cabin. Snow drifted along the trees that lined it. Beyond, up the slope a ways, the lights from the cabin glowed in the darkness, a distant nimbus in the falling snow.

  “It’s practically a Thomas Kinkade painting,” Emily said.

  “But colder.”

  She laughed. “I suppose that’s true.”

  Emily slowed, and they stood and looked at the house. She turned her head up toward him, and he met her lips, kissing her long and deep. Snowflakes landed on his cheek, cool and wet, but he cherished the moment.

  They parted and continued walking. “I’m glad you came with me this weekend,” Emily said.

  “And I’m glad you invited me.”

  “If you don’t want to ski tomorrow, we don’t have to.”

  “We’ll see. It was harder than I expected, but I’ll try again if you want.”

  “That might be nice.”

  They walked up the last hundred yards to the house in companionable silence. It really was good to be there with her, and he wasn’t sure what he was going to do about a job, but he was certain that whatever he did, he would find a way to do it without hurting Emily.

  Chapter 14

  T

  HE inside of the cabin felt like a furnace after the cold. Emily’s fingers and nose tingled as she hung her jacket and gloves. She was colder than she’d realized.

  Rafa’s nose and cheeks were pink, and the snow in his hair was starting to melt and run down his face. The way the white flakes mixed with his dark hair gave her a momentary vision of how he would look later in life, and she liked what she saw.

  He grinned at her. “You’re giving me that steak-knife look again.”

  “Just admiring.”

  “Are you ready to go to bed or...”

  Emily licked her lips. “I’ve been ready to go to bed since the first time I set eyes on you.”

  Rafa laughed, a quick burst of surprise. They went to the master bedroom together. Emily found herself stifling a yawn as she pulled back the comforter.

  “I’m going to shower real quick,” Rafa said. He went into the bathroom, leaving her time to clean up and change into something a little sexier.

  Sheer black lace that covered her, but didn’t actually hide anything. Christa had helped her pick it, “just in case.” She lay down on the bed, waiting for Rafa to return.

  The water in the master bath turned on, so Emily leaned back, resting her eyes. Just imaging him in there and naked warmed her core, and she thought about going in to join him, but she did so want him to see the negligee.

  #

  Rafa came out of the shower wrapped in a fuzzy robe. Emily was on the bed, stretched out in a stunning black nightie, her eyes closed. She turned toward him as he climbed into bed.

  “You look amazing,” he said.

  She smiled, hands smoothing her gown. “Do you like it?”

  “Very much so.”

  “Good.” Her hands found his shoulders, and she gently turned him to his stomach. Her thumbs worked back and forth over his traps, up onto his neck and down either side of his spine. Tension he didn’t even realize he had slowly bled out.

  Emily’s breath blew hot on his neck. “Feel better?” she whispered.

  “Just don’t stop.”

  Her fingers dug deeper, working his muscles. She slipped his robe down to his waist. Her body pressed against his, warm and soft and pure woman. He felt himself getting harder. Her fingers gave way to her lips. She kissed his shoulder blades and his neck.

  Rafa turned toward her then, taking her in his arms. The robe fell open, leaving him in his boxers and her in her nightie.

  He froze, a feeling of doubt leaving him utterly paralyzed.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked. Her hands caressed his shoulders, her thumbs tracing his scars.

  “Nothing.” He thought he was over himself, thought that he had convinced himself that he was whole again, but something about the intimacy, the vulnerability, of making love to Emily brought all his worries bubbling to the surface.

  “You are the most wonderful man I’ve ever met in my life, Rafael Carpenter. Tender and caring and strong and handsome, and if you don’t make love to me right now, I will never forgive you.”

  She didn’t sound angry or upset. Just sincere.

  He kissed her, his swollen lips pressed against hers. His left hand slid under her head, cradling it. The leverage wasn’t quite how he remembered it from before the accident, but it wasn’t anything he couldn’t work with.

  The lovemaking was slow and steady, building toward a promise of something greater. They had the whole weekend, so Rafa wasn’t in any kind of hurry, and once Emily realized that he’d overcome his earlier hesitation, she melted against him, letting him lead.

  Rafa’s tempo built, and he forgot all about his leg and his hand. All that mattered was their bodies, the mutual pleasure, the bond between them. He kissed her hard, pressing his tongue to hers. She bucked back, throwing her hips against his, wrapping her legs around him.

  When they finished, Rafa held her close, breathing the scent of her hair and trying to keep himself from shaking. He kissed her jaw, her ear.

  “That was wonderful,” Emily said.

  “I haven’t... that’s the first time since...” He wasn’t sure what to say.

  “Shh. Whatever worries you have about your abilities, they are unfounded.” She pecked him on the lips. “Now hold me.”

  Rafa wrapped his arms around her, rested his head beside hers. “I am not the man I once was. I wonder what you see when we are together.”

  “Arms and legs do not make a man.” She stroked a finger along his chest, up to the rough stubble of his chin. “It is the heart, the mind that governs who you are. I have told you what I see when I look at you: tender, caring and strong. I like what I see.”

  It felt so unbelievable that she could care for him the way she said, but he was beginning to believe it might actually be true. His eyes closed, and he let himself finally relax. He wasn’t sure where home was anymore, but he knew that it would never again be far from Emily.

  Chapter 15

  SOFT morning sunlight streamed through the open blinds, illuminating the room. Emily turned toward Rafa, squeezed his shoulders. His hair splayed across the pillow in a dark wave. He looked so peaceful, so content. She marveled at how someone so beautiful, so strong could be so conflicted on the inside, but it warmed her heart to see how he�
�d changed and started to come to terms with himself.

  She brushed the hair from his face and kissed him on the forehead. She went to the bathroom and started the shower.

  Outside the cabin, the sun was shining over the edge of the mountain, casting the slope in soft yellow light. The whole world was glimmering and white, not a footstep marring the perfect surface. The storm had blown past in the night, leaving them with a powder coated paradise.

  They still needed to talk about his future. About their future. Emily wasn’t sure what she would do if he decided to leave. She couldn’t abandon her practice, not with the kids that needed her. Maybe if Rafa couldn’t find something immediately, she could convince him to take a little longer in his job search. And if he needed a place to stay, her bed was plenty big enough for two.

  She let the hot water beat against her shoulders for a while, then got out and got dressed. When she emerged from the bathroom, the bed was empty and the smell of bacon wafted through the cabin.

  She found Rafa in the kitchen, a spatula in hand and two cups of coffee on the counter. He looked up and smiled. “I wanted to serve you breakfast in bed, but you woke up too early.”

  “You didn’t need to do that, but I appreciate the thought.”

  He passed her a plate and a cup of coffee. “Do you want to eat in here or?”

  “By the fireplace?” she suggested.

  They went back to the living room together and sank down onto the sofa in front of the fireplace.

  “My phone is working again,” Rafa said.

  “Have you called Paul and Christa yet to let them know about the car?”

  He shook his head.

  “Well, we could wait a while for that. We have this gorgeous cabin with a fireplace and a hot tub. And a massive bed.”

  Rafa’s eyebrows rose. “Are you sure about that?”

  “As sure about anything as I’ve ever been in my life.” She scooted toward him. “Have you decided what to do about your job?”

  He produced his phone and opened his email. Emily read the message on the screen aloud, “Dear Mr. Carpenter, The Department of History at the United States Air Force Academy would like to extend you an offer for the position of Lecturer at the Colorado Springs campus. Full details--”

  She cut off and looked up at him, her heart soaring. “Really?”

  “I sent a résumé earlier this week. I have found something here I do not wish to leave behind.” He leaned forward, his lips finding hers.

  When they parted, Emily spoke, “And what would that be, Mr. Carpenter?”

  He grinned. “The mountains.”

  She let her smile collapse into a fake glare. “You...”

  He laughed and kissed her again. “You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met in my life. And I mean that.”

  “But--”

  “No, buts. I know you think you are too big, but I don’t see it. You have a shape, you have curves. I think they’re beautiful, and I wouldn’t want you any other way.”

  It was the sweetest, nicest thing anyone had said to her, and he was utterly sincere about it. She blinked, trying to keep from crying

  He took her hand and kissed it. “I do not know where this road leads, Em, but I wish to walk it and see.”

  “Me, too.”

  She snuggled against him, content with him and, for the first time she could remember, content with herself.

  Chapter 16

  HARVEY looked up from the puzzle, smiling. “It’s a puppy, isn’t it, Miss Emily?”

  “Yes, Harvey,” Emily replied. “Go ahead and finish it.”

  It didn’t take him long to get the last dozen or so pieces into place and complete the image. It was a Labrador this time, rather than a poodle, but Harvey didn’t seem to mind.

  “Have you been getting along better with your grandma’s dog, Harvey?”

  “Yes, ma’am. Grandma bought me some pretzel bags, and I’ve been sharing with Snowflake.”

  “Has he been nicer to you?”

  Harvey nodded. “And I haven’t eaten his food once.”

  “That’s good, Harvey. What about the kids at kindergarten?”

  He shook his head.

  “Are they still mean to you?”

  “Sometimes. I tried to share my pretzels, but the teacher got upset.”

  Emily laughed. “That’s very kind of you, Harvey. Maybe we can talk to your teacher and find something that she won’t mind you sharing with the class.”

  “Okay.”

  “How did you feel about sharing?”

  He shrugged. “It’s okay.”

  Not a perfect answer, but at least he was making an effort. It was more than she had expected so soon.

  “The next time the boys say something mean to you about your size, you just remember that Miss Emily thinks you’re the most handsome boy in class and it doesn’t matter what they think.”

  His little cheeks flushed pink and he looked away, embarrassed.

  “I’m serious, Harvey. It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside. People grow and change, and accidents can happen that can make you look completely different, but it’s who you are on the inside that matters.”

  “I like sharing with Snowflake,” he said.

  “That’s very good. When you share, you make friends. And when you meet meanness with kindness, you make even more friends. The boys won’t always be nice, but you need to always remember, it’s who you are on the inside that matters most.”

  His eyes seemed to light up at that, and Emily felt like she’d finally made a breakthrough with him. They weren’t finished, not by a longshot, but it was always the first step that was the hardest.

  Chapter 17

  EMILY arched an eyebrow. “Madrid? For Christmas?”

  Rafa sat on the end of Emily’s bed, his shirtless chest chilled by the pre-dawn breeze blowing in the open window. “My cousin Carmen is getting married, and I thought...” He motioned toward Emily, smiling. “I thought you might like to go with me and meet my family.”

  She lay on the bed, a sheet pulled up to her chin, her hair cascading over a pillow. He could see her thinking about it. The way she chewed her lip and scrunched her nose was impossibly cute, even in the dim bedroom.

  “I’ve always spent Christmas with my parents, but...” She met his eyes and smiled. “But I’ll give my mom a call in the morning.” She slipped out of bed, revealing her perfect figure. Two months with her and she had only grown more beautiful in his eyes. She sashayed toward the bathroom, leaving him alone on the bed.

  She was more than he deserved, he was sure of that, and now that he’d found her, he couldn’t imagine what he would do without her. But fortunately that didn’t seem to be problem, at least not so far.

  Rafa glanced at the clock. It was nearly seven. The shower turned on as he settled his right knee into the cup on his prosthetic leg. Even that part of his life was going well. The new prosthesis allowed him to jog without the pain that had been ever-present for much of the last year. He slipped into a pair of PT shorts and a t-shirt and went to the kitchen.

  The shower stopped as he was starting the bacon, and Emily emerged dressed and prepped half an hour later as he was spreading jam on her toast.

  “You didn’t need to do that,” she said when she saw him.

  He bowed, tucking his spatula behind him. “That’s the point.” He balanced both of their plates on his right arm and scooped a carafe of juice from the counter. Glasses and silverware already lay atop the little round table Emily kept in her breakfast nook.

  He ate quickly, his years of army habits not yet broken. Emily was half-finished with her egg as he crunched through his last piece of bacon.

  “You could slow down, you know.” A grin played over Emily’s lips.

  “Sorry.” He forced himself to sip his orange juice.

  “Are you worried that the Taliban will catch you in the middle of breakfast?”

  “Something like that. I’ve spent too ma
ny years treating food as nothing but fuel. The faster I finish eating, the quicker I can get back to the things that are important.”

  “Rafa, are you beginning to get comfortable with me?”

  His eyes narrowed. Had he upset her somehow? “No. Err... yes. Perhaps?”

  Emily laughed. “It’s a good thing. If you want to wolf down breakfast and go run, feel free.”

  “I feel more comfortable with you than with anyone in my life.”

  “Even your army buddies?”

  “Especially them. Comradery and comfort are not the same things. I could never feel truly comfortable with my men, not when I had to lead them in battle.” There were memories there he did not wish to relive, not with Emily. Men that fought and died. Men that fought and lived and wished they had died. He had been down that road himself, and was thankful every day that Emily had helped him find another path. That road led to a destination he did not want to reach.

  “Well, I see that you don’t want to talk about it, but if you change your mind, I’m here for you. And I don’t just mean in my professional capacity, okay?”

  Rafa clenched his teeth and nodded. He was beginning to accept that she saw him as a man and not a patient.

  Emily finished her toast, but left half her bacon and a few bites of egg. She gathered her dishes and took to them to the kitchen. “I’ll clean up,” she offered.

  “No,” Rafa said, slipping his arms around her waist, pulling her back from the sink. “It’s not your mess.”

  Her lips were softer than rose petals. He held her and kissed her and felt the solidity of her. He had once thought he’d known what it meant to care for a woman, but he had never felt anything like what he felt for Emily. A fierce, all-consuming longing. Even the thought of her leaving for nine hours at the office was unpleasant.

  Eventually, she pulled away. “You are a true gentleman, Rafael Carpenter. Are you going to cook my dinner, too?”

  He grinned. “It would be my pleasure.”