The Good, the Bad, and the Unready: The Remarkable Truth Behind History's Strangest Nicknames

by Robert Easton

  Elizabeth the Northern Harlot see Elizabeth the INFAMOUS

  Nose Almighty

  Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector of the Commonwealth, 1599–1658

  There was something about Oliver Cromwell’s eyes. Grey-green, heavy-lidded, melancholy yet piercing, they were nearly always mentioned when people described him. But more universally discussed than his eyes – more indeed than the warts near his left eye, which he famously demanded to be included in a portrait – was another unmistakable facial feature. Oliver Cromwell, the driving force behind the revolutionary opposition to Charles the LAST MAN and Charles the MERRY MONARCH in the English Civil Wars, had a very big, and a very red, nose. Its colour fascinated the nation. A poem circulating during Cromwell’s time termed it ‘the Lancaster rose’, while a contemporary pamphlet spoke of it somewhat less coyly as ‘the glow-worm glistening in his beak’. Its colour, and indeed his entire complexion, which one later commentator compared to that of a piece of wood or an unbleached almond, led many to the misguided assumption that he overindulged in drink.

  Nose Almighty

  Popular nicknames focused almost exclusively on his proboscis: ‘Nose Almighty’, ‘Copper Nose’, ‘Ruby Nose’ and simply ‘Nosey’ became common parlance. Some royalists also nicknamed their arch-opponent ‘Crum-Hell’ since, in his lifetime, Cromwell’s name was pronounced ‘Crumwell’, while Rupert the MAD CAVALIER dubbed his adversary ‘Old Ironsides’ because his ranks at the battle of Marston Moor in 1644 were so impenetrable.

  Norse Sagas

  The Norse sagas are veritable treasuries of nicknames. While many characters possess patronymic second names such as ‘Ingiborg Finn’s-Daughter’ and ‘Heinrik Haraldsson’, many others have an epithet in place of, or in addition to, their filial name. Individual entries for many of the main characters, such as Sven FORKBEARD and Erik the RED, can be found elsewhere in this work. The lists below contain some of the supporting cast.

  The anonymous Orkneyinga Saga was written around 1200 and tells of the conquest of the Scottish Northern Isles by the kings of Norway in the ninth century and the subsequent history of Orkney. Within its pages we find:

  Thorarin Bag-Nose

  Einar Belly-Shaker

  Svein Breast-Rope

  Einar Buttered-Bread

  Sigurd the Fake Deacon

  Havard the Fecund

  Thorkel Flayer

  Thorkel the Fosterer

  Angus the Generous

  Oddi the Little

  Arni Pin-Leg

  Hugh the Stout

  Olaf Tit-Bit

  Egil’s Saga, thought to have been written by Snorri Sturluson around 1230, describes the Viking world from the middle of the ninth century to the end of the tenth. As well as Egil, the ruthless Viking hero, we learn about:

  Sigtrygg the Fast Sailor

  Harald Grey-Cloak

  Thora Lace-Cuff

  Thorvald the Overbearing

  Ljot the Pale

  Einar the Scale Clatterer

  Eyvind Shabby

  Atli the Short

  The romantic medieval Icelandic Laxdaela Saga, composed by an unknown author around 1245, mentions:

  An the Black (who, for reasons unspecified, is nicknamed ‘Brushwood Belly’)

  Alf of the Dales

  Thorbjorn the Feeble

  Audun Fetter-Hound

  Ketil Flat-Nose

  Thorhalla the Gossip

  Asgeir the Hot-Head

  Geirmund the Noisy

  Olaf the Peacock

  Gunnlaug Serpent-Tongue

  Thord the Short

  Bork the Stout

  Hallfred the Troublesome Poet

  Gizur the White

  Describing the Norse discovery of America, the two Vinland Sagas also recount how Erik the Red started a colony on Greenland. They introduce the reader to Erik’s son (Leif the Lucky), as well as Hrafn the Dueller – a warrior killed by Erik – and a man by the name of Thord Horse-Head.

  Finally, Njal’s Saga is an Icelandic family saga written in the late thirteenth century. Along with the following:

  Orm Box-Back

  Thorstein Cod-Biter

  Eystein the Noisy

  Ref the Poet

  Ragnar Shaggy-Breeches

  Askel the Silent

  Hedin the Sorcerer

  Sigurd Swine-Head

  Ulf the Unwashed

  Bessi the Wise

  Haf the Wise

  It also features a man called Iron-Grim wearing nothing but a goatskin.

  His political supporters, meanwhile, had other names for their hero. Many knew him as ‘King Oliver’ since he was king in all but name, turning down Parliament’s offer of the crown in 1657. Later in life he was affectionately referred to as ‘Old Noll’, Noll being a familiar form of Oliver.

  Nosey see NOSE ALMIGHTY

  [O]

  Gorm the Old

  Gorm, king of Denmark, d.c.958

  One chronicle describes Gorm as stultissimus(very stupid), a second describes him as lazy or indolent, while a third, penned by the eleventh-century historian Adam of Bremen, deems someone – most likely Gorm – a ‘savage worm, a heathen persecutor of Christians’ who so angered Henry the FOWLER that Henry invaded Denmark and forced the worm to sue for peace.

  However, nickname history has been kind to Gorm. He is most commonly known as ‘the Old’, an epithet probably given to him at a later time when people looked back to his reign as the distant past, remembering him because of the inscriptions on two large stones at Jelling which bear his name. Our knowledge of Gorm is virtually limited to what these inscriptions tell us – that he was husband of Thyra, father of Harald BLUETOOTH, and that he reigned in the tenth century, with Jelling his seat of power.

  The medieval historian Saxo Grammaticus suggests two further things about Gorm: first, that Thyra refused him the pleasures of the nuptial couch in a vain attempt to win her mate over to Christianity, and second, that he was blind for many years, having ‘prolonged his old age to the utmost bounds of the human lot’. Modern science casts doubt on the latter claim. Forensic analyses on his skeletal remains show that Gorm the Old probably died in his forties.

  Old Copper Nose see BLUFF KING HAL

  Old Fritz see Frederick the GREAT

  Old Ironsides see NOSE ALMIGHTY

  Old Noll see NOSE ALMIGHTY

  Old Nosey see Arthur the IRON DUKE

  James the Old Pretender see James the WARMING-PAN BABY

  Old Q see William the RAKE OF PICCADILLY

  Old Rowley see Charles the MERRY MONARCH

  Antigonus the One-Eyed

  Antigonus I, king of Macedonia, 382–301 BC

  The works of the Greek painter Apelles, none of which survive, were said to combine Dorian thoroughness with Ionian grace. Of his portraits, about which ancient writers raved, was one of King Antigonus, the former general under Alexander the GREAT who forged a friendship between Macedonia and many of the Greek city-states. The depiction was in profile, because of the king’s missing eye. The reason for its absence, like the true beauty of Apelles’ oeuvre, remains a mystery.

  John the One-Eyed

  John Zisca, Bohemian reformer, 1360–1424

  To lose one eye may be regarded as a misfortune. Some say that John lost one eye in a childhood accident, while others say it was at the battle of Tannenburg in 1410. To lose both eyes seems like carelessness. John lost the other one while leading an army of peasants in a campaign against papal authority in Bohemia. Despite his blindness, he continued to act as general with the same skill, success and ruthlessness as before. His favourite way of executing monks, we are told, was to smother them with pitch and set them alight.

  On his death, an element of his rag-tag force called themselves ‘orphans’, as if they had lost their father. Michel de Montaigne writes that Zisca was with them in later engagements not only in spirit but also literally in the flesh. The reformer, it transpires, had arranged for his body to be flayed and
his skin made into a drum for his men to carry into battle.

  Henry Our English Marcellus see ENGLISH EPITHETS

  Edgar the Outlaw

  Edgar, king of England, c.1052–c.1125

  Although he was proclaimed king following the death of Harold THE LAST OF THE SAXONS at the battle of Hastings, the teenage Edgar was never actually crowned. Instead he submitted to William the CONQUEROR some eight weeks later. Some chroniclers refer to him as ‘the Atheling’, meaning ‘son of the king’, but this is semantically inaccurate, since his father, ‘Edward the Exile’, was similarly never crowned.

  Other chroniclers dubbed him ‘the Outlaw’ because, like his father, Edgar spent much of his life away from home, often in the Scottish court, where he married Margaret, sister of Malcolm BIGHEAD. In 1106 he returned from the First Crusade and was finally welcomed to England, this time by Henry BEAUCLERC, but only on the condition that he lived in peaceful retirement on his country estate in Hertfordshire.

  [P]

  Amadeus the Pacific

  Amadeus VIII, duke of Savoy, 1383–1451

  Amadeus offered something of an early fifteenth-century conciliation service, giving advice and encouragement to leaders of any European powers who felt that negotiations had come to an impasse. For this international Solomonic role he was dubbed ‘the Pacific’, but it could easily have been applied to his domestic affairs. During his 42-year reign he expanded Savoy’s territory primarily through diplomatic channels rather than military force.

  Surviving an assassination attempt, and unwilling to die as young as his father Amadeus the RED (see COLOURFUL CHARACTERS), the younger Amadeus retired in 1434 to a monastery in La Ripaille. Here his religious austerity impressed his subjects so much that they dubbed him ‘the Hermit of La Ripaille’ and Rome so much that they elected him pope. After ten years, however, the quiet ways of Pope Felix V proved unpopular with the kings of France, England and Sicily, and Amadeus was pressured to resign. Peacefully he accepted the demotion to the lesser role of cardinal, and died two years later in Geneva.

  Henry the Parricide

  Henry V, king of Germany, 1086–1125

  The nickname ‘the Parricide’ does Henry an injustice since he did not kill his father. Instead, with the help of ecclesiastical and lay magnates, he merely imprisoned him and extorted from him the renunciation of his rights as ruler. The disgraced Henry IV was then allowed to escape to Liege, where he died. Lower Rhineland peasant farmers, not caring a jot about the intrigue behind his death, trooped past his displayed corpse in order to touch it with their seed corn in the hope of a good harvest.

  Charles the Parson’s Emperor

  Charles IV, king of Germany and Bohemia and Holy Roman Emperor, 1316–78

  In his autobiography, Mirror of Princes, Charles relates how one day he met his old tutor Peter Roger, who had overseen his religious education while he was growing up in the court of Charles the FAIR (see GALLIC PRACTICE). The teacher, now a cardinal, told his former pupil that ‘one day you will be king of the Romans’, to which Charles replied, ‘but before that you will be pope’. Both predictions came true.

  With a motto of ‘Piously to see what is right’, Charles kept on good terms with popes throughout his life, a religious bond for which anti-papal elements of his court mocked him as ‘the Parson’s Emperor’ or ‘the Pope’s Errand-Boy’. However, Charles had the last laugh, his coronation as emperor of the Holy Roman Empire taking place on Easter Day 1355. Peter Roger – Pope Clement VI – had died three years earlier, but was undoubtedly there in spirit.

  Edgar the Peaceable

  Edgar, king of the English, c.943–75

  England during the reign of Edgar was eerily quiet. The bloodthirsty ‘Erik Bloodaxe’ was dead, and the Vikings were licking their wounds back in Scandinavia. On the domestic front Edgar’s wives, including Athelfleda the WHITE DUCK, were producing healthy sons such as Edward the MARTYR and Ethelred the UNREADY, and the only notable violence, such as the destruction of Thanet in 969, was on the orders of the king himself. Free from the pressures of military conflict, therefore, Edgar had time for grand displays of his power. The Anglo-Saxon Chronicle waxes lyrical about his sumptuous coronation ceremony at Bath in 973, and elsewhere we learn of a second carefully arranged show of royal authority that same year, when eight Celtic kings acknowledged Edgar’s over-lordship by seating him at the helm of a boat and rowing him along the River Dee. Further order and stability were brought about through reforms of the monastic and monetary systems, and it is therefore of little surprise to read chronicler John of Worcester’s description of Edgar as ‘pacificus’.

  Edgar the Peaceable

  Some commentators, however, argue that pacificus should be rendered ‘the Peacemaker’ rather than ‘the Peaceable’ since the source of such national calm was not a serene monarch but the threat of military action should anyone step out of line. As the aggression against Thanet demonstrated, Edgar was always ready to remind people, brutally if necessary, who was in control.

  Edgar the Peacemaker see Edgar the PEACEABLE

  Edward the Peacemaker see Edward the CARESSER

  Casimir the Peasants’ King see Casimir the GREAT

  Frederick the Penniless

  Frederick IV, duke of Austria, 1384–1439

  The Holy Roman Emperor Sigismund the LIGHTOFTHE WORLD threw Frederick in jail for supporting the antipope John XXIII. From behind bars, Frederick must have viewed his future with distinct unease. He had few supporters, fewer possessions and no money whatsoever.

  ‘The Penniless’ was an obvious nickname, and one that he desperately tried to shake off when he was freed and had regained power. Despite amassing an impressive treasury (much of the revenue coming from Austria’s new silver mines) and owning a considerable amount of land, the name frustratingly stuck until his dying day. The story that he built the magnificent ‘Goldenes Dachl’, or ‘Golden Roof, in Innsbruck purely to demonstrate his new, healthier financial situation is appealing but sadly has no basis in fact.

  Diana the People’s Princess

  Diana, princess of Wales, 1961–97

  In its coverage of the outpouring of grief that followed Diana’s death in 1997 the media frequently used two immediately recognizable nicknames to represent the princess’s character and popularity.

  During a television interview Diana had once remarked that although she would never be the queen of England, she hoped she could become the queen of people’s hearts, and soon the nickname of‘the Queen of Hearts’ became common parlance. A frequent memento at the hundreds of makeshift memorials erected on the news of her death in France was the queen of hearts playing card. Myriad photographs, meanwhile, of Princess Diana among crowds, on her knees in front of children or sitting at the end of hospital beds revealed a princess who had the common touch, for which the media termed her ‘the People’s Princess’ –a phrase used by Prime Minister Tony Blair in an informal interview on the morning after her death and embraced by a nation in mourning.

  John the Perfect

  John II, king of Portugal, 1455–95

  In 1481 John considered the gifts of land and cash that his father, ‘Alfonso the African’, had made to certain nobles to be over-generous. So, in a deliberate policy to limit the nobles’ control, he abolished several of the privileges that they had previously enjoyed. The third duke of Braganza objected vociferously to these restrictions. He was immediately arrested and, after a summary trial, beheaded, and overnight the considerable estates of Braganza became crown property. John then foiled another ‘conspiracy’ by stabbing to death his brother-in-law, Diego, the duke of Viseu, with his own hands. Perfect? Hardly.

  His nickname of ‘the Perfect’ has its origins in an early sixteenth-century political treatise by Niccolo Machiavelli. In Il Principe, Machiavelli describes the qualities of a perfect prince, and some of his readers considered John to fit the model to a tee. But this was some twenty years after John had died. Many of his contemporaries, who
knew him better, dubbed him ‘the Tyrant’.

  Le Petit Albert see Albert the GREAT

  Alfonso the Philosopher see Alfonso the ASTRONOMER

  Louis the Pious

  Louis I, king of France and Holy Roman Emperor, 778–840

  Piety was not top of the agenda for the teenage Louis, who by the age of sixteen had become the father of two children by two mistresses. But when his father Charles the GREAT died in 814, Louis, who had been crowned the year before without the benefit of clergy, saw one of his main tasks as the continued Christianization of the empire. Much of his early legislation therefore concentrated on the monastic and ecclesiastical reform of a vast territory that he considered a gift from God, and for which he was chiefly responsible.

  Piety later played second fiddle to political necessity. When King Bernard of Italy challenged his authority, for instance, Louis had him blinded. Moreover, in order to prevent any dynastic challenges, he had his half-brothers tonsured and secured in monasteries. Such unchristian behaviour finally caught up with him when, in 833, a coalition of his sons, the pope and several leading clergy drove him to a monastery and only freed him after he acknowledged his sins and agreed to do penance for all eternity.

  Piety also sometimes slipped into superstition. Bewildered and terrified by the sight of Halley’s Comet in 837, Louis asked his astronomer what the phenomenon meant. The courtier, who was a good Christian, answered that stars in the sky should not be trusted since ‘God was the final arbiter of the fates of both the stars and the Franks.’ Nevertheless, Louis stayed up all night and, when dawn finally arrived, commanded that alms should be distributed to the poor in celebration that the gods had been kind.

  Louis’s nickname derives from his famed generosity. One of his biographers, Thegan, wrote that he gave away houses to faithful subjects, restored property that his father had confiscated from Frisians and Saxons and renounced all claims on Church lands. As a result of such piety, tension and instability in Frankish Gaul increased dramatically.