The Good, the Bad, and the Unready: The Remarkable Truth Behind History's Strangest Nicknames

by Robert Easton

  Robert the Pious

  Robert II, king of France, c.970–1031

  Many of our perceptions of Robert emanate from his biography, written by his chaplain, Helgaud, monk of Fleury. Naive and semi-hagiographical it may be, but other contemporary chronicles support Helgaud’s depiction of Robert as a devout, virtuous and generous king who actively supported the Church and granted privileges to monasteries. Helgaud said that Robert could have been mistaken for a monk, while a fellow chronicler tells of how Robert threw his cloak over two lovers embracing each other a little too enthusiastically for his liking.

  Not everything he did delighted the Church, however. Take, for instance, the time he burned down the monastery of Saint-Germain in Auxerre simply because it stood in the way of his soldiers. And then there were his marriages. After repudiating Rozala of Flanders (but keeping much of her land, much to the chagrin of her son ‘Baldwin Handsome-Beard’), he lived openly with one Bertha of Blois before marrying her in 997. A few years later he dumped Bertha – possibly through uncharacteristic religious scruples, probably because she had produced no children – and married Constance, daughter of the count of Arles. His new bride, however, turned out to be an unscrupulous battleaxe of a woman, and Robert, hoist by his own petard, had his Christian qualities of patience and endurance sorely tested for the rest of his days.

  Geoffrey Plantagenet

  Geoffrey V, count of Anjou, 1113–51

  Of all the world’s flora, Geoffrey liked to wear a sprig of broom, or planta genista, in his cap. His son, who became Henry CURTMANTLE of England, inherited the soubriquet, which became the name of the royal dynasty.

  Lady Wu the Poisoner

  Wu Hou, empress of China, 625–705

  The winsome Wu arrived in court in 638 and joined the corps of junior concubines. Driven by insatiable imperial ambition, however, she soon rose out of servile anonymity and into the history books as one of the most powerful – and most barbarous – figures of the Tang dynasty.

  Her first step to achieve her dynastic ambition was to strangle her own baby and pin the murder on a rival. She then gradually won the affections of the new emperor, Kao Tsung, and eventually became his favourite concubine. But being someone’s plaything was not for Wu, and she contrived to achieve the top position in the land, whatever the cost. On her way to power, she is said to have:

  • poisoned a sister, a niece and a son

  • forced another son to hang himself

  • had four grandchildren whipped to death

  • ordered the execution of two stepsons, and sixteen of their male heirs

  • killed four daughters-in-law, one by starvation

  • executed thirty-six government officials and generals and

  • overseen the slaughter of 3,000 families.

  Once enthroned in 660, the new empress lost little time in exacting revenge on those who had opposed her elevation. The former empress Wang and the senior concubine were singled out for special treatment, being mercilessly flogged, dismembered and then tossed into a vat full of wine to die.

  With the emperor frequently ill, and politically inferior, Wu enjoyed absolute control, styling herself among other things as ‘Holy Mother’ and ‘Divine Sovereign’. And she ran China with consummate ability, encouraging agricultural advancement, independent thinking and commercial efficiency. China had not been so prosperous – or so peaceful – for generations.

  The Popish and Protestant Dukes

  James II, king of England and Ireland, and VII, king of Scotland, 1633–1701

  James Scott, first duke of Monmouth, 1649–85

  During the Civil War, James, the duke of York, holed up in France, and he only returned to England when the Commonwealth under NOSE ALMIGHTY had foundered and James’s brother, Charles the MERRY MONARCH, had been restored to power. Assessing his qualities in comparison with those of his older brother, the English found James to be distinctly second best. Whereas Charles was jolly and genial, James was grindingly dull.

  But it was his lack of religious tolerance rather than his lack of personality that infuriated a nation and eventually brought about his downfall. James converted to Catholicism in 1670, a fact made public knowledge three years later, when he resigned as Lord High Admiral in opposition to the Test Act, a bill that prevented Catholics from holding positions of authority. From this moment on, the heir apparent was known scathingly by many of his future subjects as ‘the Popish Duke’. Things got worse for James in 1678 when an anti-Catholic protester called Titus Oates stated under oath that he had uncovered a massive plot to murder Charles and to replace him with James and his Catholic supporters. While most of Oates’s charges were utter fabrication, they nevertheless fuelled anti-papal sentiment, and in 1685, when Charles died and James ascended the throne, opinions on having a Catholic English monarch polarized a nation.

  On the one hand there were the king and his followers. On the other were Protestants who claimed that Charles’s illegitimate son James, the first duke of Monmouth, was the rightful heir. Monmouth – dubbed ‘the Protestant Duke’ to balance the king’s epithet – led a military campaign to seize power. The rebellion was quickly snuffed out, however, as was Monmouth, who was captured and beheaded.

  King James forged ahead with his mission to make England Catholic. With what some consider recklessness, he promoted his religious friends to positions of importance and had the ‘Bloody Assizes’ punish any Protestants who dared to rebel. When in 1688 James’s wife, Mary of Modena, gave birth to a boy and thus put paid to any hopes that the crown would pass to the Protestant children of James’s first marriage, Parliament invited the Protestant William of Orange and his wife, Mary, to save England from a Catholic future. James and his family fled to France where they nurtured their son James the WARMING-PAN BABY to become a pretender to the English throne.

  Poor Fred

  Frederick Louis, prince of Wales, 1707–51

  When they came to England in 1714, the future king George the GREAT PATRON OF MANKIND and Princess Caroline of Ansbach left their seven-year-old son in Germany and did not see him again until he arrived in England in 1728 as a grown man. By then they had had more children, and they rejected Frederick both as a son and as a person, referringto him as a ‘foundling’ and nicknaming him ‘Griff’ because he had the appearance of the ugly mythical beast the griffin. Poor Fred.

  Frederick incurred the wrath of his father over his womanizing and wastrel ways. He also incurred the wrath of his mother to the point that she is reported to have said about him, ‘That wretch! That villain! I wish the ground would open at this moment and sink the monster to the lowest hole in hell!’ Poor Fred.

  Living in virtual exile with his wife, Augusta of Saxe-Gotha, with whom he had eight children, including Farmer GEORGE, Frederick, unlike his father, madean attempt to assimilate himself into English life. He studied the rules of cricket and, although not a proficient player himself, became a committed patron of the game. It is alleged that during a match a ball struck him on the head and killed him. Poor Fred.

  He is buried at Westminster Abbey. Not found on his tomb is the popular anonymous epigram that was written shortly after his death:

  Here lies poor Fred

  Who was alive, and is dead

  Had it been his father

  I had much rather.

  Charles the Pope’s Errand-Boy see Charles the PARSON’S EMPEROR

  James the Popish Duke see the POPISH AND PROTESTANT DUKES

  John the Posthumous

  John I, king of France, 1316

  Official histories record that John was the posthumous son of Louis the QUARRELLER and lived only five days before being succeeded by his uncle, ‘Philip the Tall’. Unofficial and more colourful histories state that barons loyal to the king, fearing Philip would murder him, substituted a dead child in his cot and whisked him off to Siena. There, Giannino Baglioni, as he was known, became a merchant banker, but was killed soon after he was informed of his true iden
tity.

  Ptolemy the Pot-Bellied see POTLEMAIC KINGS

  Pretty Witty Nell see Eleanor the WITTY

  Rudolph the Prince of Alchemy

  Rudolph II, Holy Roman Emperor, 1552–1612

  Rudolph was prone to severe bouts of depression, and his tactic for dealing with the demands of the external world was to shut himself away in his castle in Prague and literally put his fingers in his ears. This was not the kind of behaviour that his subjects wanted to see in their emperor.

  In between his attacks Rudolph was clear-headed, but as the sixteenth century came to a close his periods of lucidity decreased. Eventually he was forced to bow to the inevitable and, entrusting the government of his empire to his ministers, retired to his fortress. Without the worries of office, he was then able to devote himself to the study of alchemy and the search for the Philosopher’s Stone. At his court astrologers, soothsayers, necromancers and mathematicians all attempted to transmute base metals into gold, but to no avail.

  In his final years ‘the Prince of Alchemy’ became ever more eccentric, attending Mass in a secret chapel wearing chains, walking about with the fingers of a dead man in his pocket, and collecting dwarves. In the end he went completely mad.

  George the Prince of Whales see Georgethe BEAU OF PRINCES

  Ptolemaic Kings

  Beginning with the accession of Ptolemy the Saviour in 323 BC and ending with the death of Cleopatra in 30 BC, the Ptolemaic dynasty is a deeply convoluted and somewhat neglected 300-year stretch of Egyptian history. Nicknames of a few of the earlier Ptolemaic kings reflect the intimate relationships among the Egyptian royal family. Those of the later rulers (whose precise dates and even numerals are keenly disputed) suggest an increasingly feeble monarchy. The first dozen kings are listed below.

  Ptolemy I the Saviour

  c.367–c.283 BC

  The inhabitants of Rhodes supposedly awarded Ptolemy the divine title of ‘Soter’ after his forces saved their island in 304 BC by lifting a year-long siege led by Antigonus the ONE-EYED.

  Ptolemy II the Brother-Loving

  308–246 BC

  As well as caring deeply for his brothers, Ptolemy also loved his sister, Arsinoe II. He loved her so much, in fact, that he married her.

  Ptolemy III the Benefactor

  282–211 BC

  Dubbed ‘Euergetes’ because, as well as extending the kingdom almost as far as Babylon, he sponsored learning and the arts and was famed for initiating the construction of a great temple at Edfu.

  Ptolemy IV the Lover of His Father

  c.238–205 BC

  Ptolemy ‘Philopater’ may have loved his dead father, but he had little time for any of his other relatives, not least his mother, whom he assassinated at the inauguration of his reign, and his sister, whom he married and then murdered.

  Ptolemy V the Illustrious

  c.210–180 BC

  Hardly illustrious, Ptolemy ‘Epiphanes’ was controlled by inept guardians when he was a boy-king and incompetent advisers when an adult. As a result, Egypt lost nearly all its foreign possessions during his sorry reign.

  Ptolemy the Lover of his Father

  Ptolemy VI the Lover of His Mother

  c.180–145 BC

  Ptolemy VI’s nickname of ‘Philometor’ refers to his role as joint head of state with his mother, Cleopatra I, until her death in 176 BC.

  Ptolemy VII the New Lover of His Father

  d.144 BC

  Sources are muddled as to the place of this king in the Ptolemaic royal sequence. It seems that he ruled some- time in 145 BC after the death of his father, whom he apparently loved, and later was executed when his widowed mother married his uncle, whom he possibly did not love so much.

  Ptolemy VIII the Pot-Bellied

  d.116 BC

  This Ptolemy wanted to be known as ‘the Benefactor’, but it was not to be. Alexandrians dubbed their brutal king ‘the Malefactor’, especially after his expulsion of all Greek intellectuals from the city, while his more common nickname was ‘Physkon’, meaning ‘the Pot-Bellied’ or ‘Fatso’.

  Ptolemy IX the Chickpea

  d.81 BC

  Although also known as ‘Fatso’, Ptolemy IX was more famously known by the mysterious and intriguing appellation ‘Chickpea’. The Greek essayist and biographer Plutarch states that it was given irreverently. Perhaps, as with the Roman orator Cicero, he was so named because he had a chickpea-shaped wart at the end of his nose.

  Ptolemy X the Son of a Bitch

  d.88 BC

  Ptolemy X was dubbed ‘Kokke’, an epithet that in polite circles might be translated as ‘Son of a Bitch’. The bitch in question was the obstreperous Cleopatra III, with whom he briefly ruled before having her assassinated.

  Ptolemy XI Alexander II

  d.80 BC

  This Ptolemy, also known as Alexander II, ruled Egypt for only a few days and thus did not have time to acquire a nickname, pejorative or otherwise.

  Ptolemy XII the Flute Player

  c.112–51 BC

  Unimpressed by his desire to be recognized as a god, the Egyptians dubbed their king Auletes’ in reference to his delight in accompanying choruses on the flute, the favourite instrument of the goddess Isis.

  Prinny see George the BEAU OF PRINCES

  James the Protestant Duke see the POPISH AND PROTESTANT DUKES

  Eleanor the Protestant Whore see Eleanor the WITTY

  Charles the Proud Duke

  Charles Seymour, sixth duke of Somerset, 1662–1748

  A favourite of BRANDY NAN, Charles was an outlandishly vain despot. His inordinate fondness for court ceremony and supremely arrogant understanding of people’s ‘places’ in society earned him both his soubriquet and his famous characterization by essayist Thomas Macaulay as ‘a man in whom the pride of birth and rank amounted almost to a disease’. Apparently the duke of Somerset never allowed his children to sit in his presence, and only conversed with his servants through signs.

  Philip the Prudent

  Philip II, king of Spain, 1527–98

  Philip’s contemporaries used such terms as ‘melancholy’ and ‘phlegmatic’ to describe this king, who seldom revealed his emotions. Certainly, he never acted in haste – indeed he was notoriously tardy in making decisions. According to his court secretary Cabrera de Cordoba, he would infuriate his ministers with his catchphrase of ‘I and time shall arrange matters as we can’, and by holding on to important papers ‘until they wilted’.

  Scholars disagree as to his political prudence. Some consider his quiet reserve to be nothing more than timidity and lack of resolve. Others see it as good common sense. Certainly his prudence appears to have failed him when he sent his armada against GOOD QUEEN BESS in 1588: it was soundly defeated and then shattered to smithereens by storms.

  Puddle-Nell see Eleanor the WITTY

  [Q]

  Louis the Quarreller

  Louis X, king of France, 1289–1316

  Louis quarrelled a lot, especially with his advisers. Once he lashed out at some of them when they suggested that he should not indulge in cold wine immediately after an overheated ball game – a practice, perhaps, that may have led to his death from pleurisy while still in his twenties. Louis was also known as ‘le Hutin’, sometimes translated as ‘the Stubborn’. The hutinet was a small mallet used by coopers that made a magnificent bonging noise but did not give very forcible blows. Some have suggested that this second epithet therefore refers not to any character trait but rather to a brief reign that was busy yet lacked any significant impact.

  Queen Dick

  Richard Cromwell, English statesman, 1626–1712

  Oliver ‘NOSE ALMIGHTY’ Cromwell was particularly concerned with the welfare of his son Richard, known as Dick, whom he suspected of being something of a weak vessel. To this end he undertook some matchmaking and negotiated a union between Dick and one Dorothy Mayor (whom Cromwell senior called ‘Doll’).

  Queen Dick

  Dick was a sw
eet and oversensitive young man, and the contemporary verdict on him was that he as an amiable, if spineless, individual. In middle age Dick was still the same genial but incompetent country gentleman. His brother-in-law, Viscount Fauconberg, used a genteel, biblical turn of phrase when he wrote of Dick’s fine qualities ‘even if his sheaf be not as Joseph’s, to which all the rest bow’. Others were less polite, going so far as to question whether Oliver, the great military leader, could really be the father of such a loveable nincompoop. His nickname ‘Queen Dick’ and the contemporary phrase ‘as queer as Dick’s hatband’ allude to a widespread suspicion that Richard Cromwell was homosexual.

  Queen Goosefoot see Bertha BIGFOOT

  Diana the Queen of Hearts see Diana the PEOPLE’S PRINCESS

  Elizabeth the Queen of Hearts see the WINTER MONARCHS

  Mary the Queen of Tears

  Mary, second wife of King James II of England, 1658–1718

  Mary of Modena had cause to weep. Between 1675 and 1682 she gave birth to five children, all of whom quickly died, with the blame popularly being conferred upon her husband, ‘James the Popish Duke’ (see the Popish and Protestant Dukes), who had regularly suffered from venereal disease. In 1688 she finally gave birth to her sixth child, a healthy boy. Any royal aspirations she may have held for him, however, were soon dashed as a cynical nation, calculating that he had been born a month prematurely, presumed that he was not hers at all but had been substituted for yet another stillborn child in order to preserve the Catholic succession. This rampant suspicion led to the invasion of William III, ‘the Gallic Bully’. Mary, with James the WARMING-PAN BABY in her arms, tearfully escaped to a life of exile in France.

  Zenobia the Queen of the East

  Zenobia, queen of Palmyra, fl. third century

  When King Odenathus died in 269, the Romans thought that Palmyra in Syria would continue as a vassal state under Aurelian the RESTORER OF THE WORLD. They were mistaken. Queen Zenobia, now the sole ruler, immediately declared independence from Rome and began a military campaign that eventually saw her troops conquer Egypt and much of Asia Minor.