To Dr Cartwright, A Daughter

by Meredith Webber

  'I know. It was returned to sender.'

  'I moved in August,' she told him. Moved south and found a small flatette that faced the morning sun and would be suitable for a baby.

  'I wrote care of the university, care of the hospital,' he added, 'and I even wrote to your father. The university and hospital letters came back, but your father didn't reply.'

  Katy wrapped her arms around her stomach. She felt physically sick, as if all the lost years, the unhappiness and regret, were churning inside her.

  She'd stopped her degree course when she'd realised it would be very hard to nurse and raise the baby on her own. The irregular hours and roster system would make her time with the baby too erratic, and the demands of the job would be physically draining. She'd brushed up her secretarial skills and worked from home instead, typing students' assignments and theses until Julia was twelve months old.

  'Katy?'

  One word, but a thousand questions.

  He stood up and moved to stand beside her, his fingers trailing lightly down her hair.

  'Go home, Jake,' she pleaded. 'I need to think about all this.'

  He was silent for a moment, then he bent and kissed her on the cheek.

  'Take your time, Katy,' he murmured, touching his lips against her temple. 'It took me over six years to come to terms with it—you're entitled to all the time you want.'

  Then he knelt so he could look into her face and his eyes proclaimed a love so blinding she had to look away.

  'You're also entitled to send me away—to say, Thanks, but no thanks Jake. I'd understand that—I wouldn't like it, but I'd understand—because what I did to you must seem close to unforgivable, and it would have to be forgiven before we could begin to recapture what we had.'

  She wanted him to kiss her—wanted it so badly she trembled with the force of her desire—yet she knew he wouldn't. The next move would be up to her, and she wasn't so lost in dreams of hope and love that she could make it yet.

  'Please go,' she repeated, and watched him stand up, hesitate, then touch her lightly before he moved away. She heard him fiddle with the front doorknob and knew he was setting it to lock behind him.

  'Goodnight, Katy,' he called, then the door closed and she was alone with ghosts and images and reasonable-sounding if emotive explanations.

  His story rang true—the tragedy of it all lying in the letters he'd written when she'd moved on into a different phase of her life and her whole being had been concentrated on her child—not forwarding addresses!

  It had been deliberate, not leaving her new address when she'd shifted, not telling the hospital because she hadn't wanted to be found. She had cut herself off from all their acquaintances, at first to avoid their sympathy over Jake's accident and desertion, then to hide her pregnancy.

  She'd moved away from Lake Shore, seeking anonymity in a bigger city further south, then returned when Julia was two and she'd heard of a special programme for sight-impaired children at Lake Shore North.

  By the time she'd returned the programme had closed through lack of funds, but Katy had decided it was so good to be home she had found a job at the hospital and stayed.

  So, Katy?

  Her head repeated his words, but she couldn't make it think logically. It kept reminding her that what had happened once could happen again.

  Another accident? desire argued sardonically.

  •Improbable!

  But could some other change of direction provide a similar excuse for him to turn away?

  She felt his parting touch as clearly as if his fingers still lingered on her skin, and recalled the shaft of longing that had pierced her at his soft caress. Her body ached for him in a way she would have thought impossible a week ago, yet she couldn't take that next step—that decision which would alter all their fives.

  The phone rang while she was still sitting in the chair. She knew it was Jake and hesitated before reaching out to prevent the noise waking Julia.

  'I know I said I'd let you think, but I need to know one thing.'

  She didn't ask him what—couldn't speak for the joy fluttering in her throat, the joy just hearing his voice had set free.

  'There's no other man, is there, Katy?' he demanded. 'I found it hard to believe you were still working so hard—' He broke off and she heard a husky mutter. 'Who am I kidding? I told myself there couldn't be— that my instinct about your reaction to me couldn't be that far out! And if that makes me sound conceited, I'm sorry—I don't mean it that way. It's a belonging kind of thing, Katy, a knowledge that comes from deep within that you and I are meant to be together.'

  He paused, but she was too unexpectedly moved by his words to reply.

  'Of course, I had other clues. Julia talked about her babysitter but never of her father. So tell me, Katy, make it definite. There's no one important in your life, no one you care about now, at the moment?'

  She shook her head.

  Only you, was the answer. There's only ever been you, she could have said. But she wasn't ready to tell him that yet, so she whispered her reply.

  'There's no one else, Jake.' And she was about to hang up when he spoke again.

  'And the flowers? And the "John" Jenny mentioned?'

  He's jealous, she thought with an unfamiliar feeling of joy. Should she tease him?

  She smiled to herself.

  Not Jake! She'd never been able to hurt Jake, any more than she'd been able to hate him.

  'The flowers were a thank-you from a support group I led for some years and John was a friend who never became more than that,' she told him, and heard his sigh of relief.

  'For what it's worth, I love you, Katy,' he said quietly, and it was he who disconnected the call.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Julia woke Katy in the morning. She was still dressed, still sitting in the armchair.

  'You haven't been to bed,' her daughter accused.

  'I must have fallen asleep in the chair,' she muttered, and made a joke of her silliness. But it was hard to laugh when her emotions were in tatters and her body ached from a cramped, uneasy sleep.

  Another working day! She put out Julia's clothes, pleased the little girl insisted on dressing herself, then hurried into the shower. Warm water cascaded over her, so refreshing she tilted her head to let it flow over her hair as well. If she towelled it off it would be nearly dry by the time she'd walked to work.

  She poured shampoo into he{ hand and lathered it into rich suds. Memories of Jake intruded. Jake washing her hair under the shower, letting the lather run all over her body—the lather and his hands...

  'I'm ready for breakfast,' Julia called.

  Julia? How would she adapt to another person in her life? Not another person—a father! She liked Jake well enough, but she was too young to understand what had happened between her parents. Would she hold his earlier desertion against him?

  Katy dried herself and wrapped a towel around her wet hair. She dressed for work, then fixed breakfast for them both, eating hers at the kitchen bench while she made their sandwiches for lunch.

  'Will Dr Cartwright come tonight?' Julia asked.

  'I don't think so, pet,' Katy replied, and then she told herself the decision might be easier if she saw more of him outside working hours, and her heart missed a beat as she amended her reply to, 'Maybe!'

  She left Julia playing downstairs while she combed out her hair and skimmed a sun-screening moisturiser across her face. She added a touch of green shadow above her eyes and emphasised her lips with a soft coral-pink lipstick. Her hair was damp, and she fluffed it out around her shoulders. She would brush it and confine it with a ribbon when she reached the crèche.

  'Let's go, kid,' she called to Julia as she hurried down the stairs. She picked up Julia's backpack and her own handbag and they were ready to tackle another day.

  'Dr Cartwright's waiting for us,' Julia announced when they reached the park.

  This time Katy wasn't surprised by Julia's percipience. Knowing Jake, she'd g
uessed he would be here. He might say it was up to her to make the next move, but he'd never been one to stand back and let destiny run its course.

  Well, not if he could give it a little nudge in the direction he had chosen!

  They walked beside the lake, its placid surface a pale silver-blue reflection of the morning sky. Julia chatted companionably to Jake, and Katy was reminded of the 'X' in the equation. It would be so easy to give in to the love Jake professed, but at what stage in the proceedings did she introduce the subject of Julia?

  Before they made love again?

  Directly after, when he'd be relaxed and loving and—hopefully—understanding?

  And what would she say? By the way, you have a daughter...

  Her stomach flipped at the thought.

  'You seem preoccupied this morning?' His voice slid into her consciousness and she turned to see his eyes gleaming with delight. He was so certain he had won, so sure she still returned the love he claimed had lived on in his heart.

  Which she did!

  She turned away without answering. She'd responded to his kisses, she'd admitted there was no other man in her life—it must seem so simple from his side.

  They said goodbye to Julia at the crèche and Katy took Jake through the maze of corridors leading to the main lobby. He walked beside her, close, but not touching her, yet she could feel his presence as vividly as if they were standing naked together. Perhaps the mythical man in her life had been a protective barrier for her, or had Jake held back the full force of his attractiveness when he'd thought she was involved with someone else?

  The feeling intensified when they crowded into the elevator and their clothes and skin brushed accidentally. By the time they exited into the fourth floor lobby Katy's nerves were twisted into a skein of torment, her body hungering for Jake's in a way she had never experienced before.

  Six years' chastity, she reminded herself as she smiled and nodded to passing staff, hoping she looked more in control than she felt.

  She made it to the office and slumped against the wall inside the door.

  'You too?' Jake murmured gruffly, then he took her in his arms and held her close.

  'Hell, Katy, what's happening to us?' he muttered, after they'd stood together for what seemed like hours. 'I felt so randy I could have thrown you down in the corridor in front of all those people, ripped the clothes off you and ravished you.'

  'I wouldn't have fought you off,' Katy muttered, detaching herself shakily from his arms.

  He ran his fingers through his hair and she saw the strain in his face give way to humour. 'Willing victim, huh?' he teased, and flicked one finger against her cheek.

  'Willing, but stupid,' Katy told him, crossing to her desk and sitting down so she could at least pretend to be working.

  'Stupid?'

  She looked up at him.

  'We're rushing into this, Jake,' she said. 'Going far too fast because of some hormonal thing that's battering at both of us.'

  'Perhaps we'll think more clearly once we've given in to it,' he mocked, stepping very deliberately towards her. 'But I agree we should attempt to at least get through the day before weakening.'

  He was standing on the far side of the desk and it was as if invisible threads bound her skin to his, tugging her towards him.

  'I—I think that would be best,' she stuttered, wishing she felt more confident that getting through the day was possible.

  He crossed to his chair and sat down, reaching out for his phone. She was thankful he'd begun to concentrate on work. Her phone rang and Katy seized it gratefully, hoping a sensible conversation would dispel images of the time she and Jake had made love on a desk—

  'Hello!' she answered, dragging her mind back to the present.

  'Are you on the pill, Katy?' a voice murmured in her ear.

  She turned towards him and saw him smiling at her. She could feel heat colouring her cheeks, flowing through the most hidden parts of her body.

  She tried to answer, but no words came, so she shook her head, remembered she hadn't tied her hair back tidily, stared at her brass pelvis, then dropped the receiver back onto its cradle.

  Her hands were shaking—in fact her whole body was shaking! She rather suspected her mind was in similar turmoil, or had given up functioning. Through a haze of inconvenient emotion, she heard Jake's pager buzz, then he was on his feet, touching her lightly on the shoulder, and disappearing through the door.

  He'd told her where he was going, but she hadn't made sense of the words—her usual cool efficiency and composure destroyed by a libidinous excitement.

  She pulled out her diary and considered the day. No ward meeting—thank goodness! A note about steam rooms and saunas reminded her of the patient's offer. Doing something different might distract her, so she'd start there.

  By lunchtime she had tackled all her regular jobs, and also had a list of three different portable units they could use within the hospital building. She'd checked with the hospital electrician and plumber to make certain the units could be installed safely and had quotes for the installation. The morning had gone more smoothly, she realised, because Jake had not reappeared.

  Pleased with her efficiency, she decided to take a full hour for lunch. She collected Julia from the crèche, and walked with her to the lake. She deliberately blotted all thoughts of Jake from her mind, while she enjoyed the time alone with her daughter. Jake might be impatient with destiny, but she'd gone beyond rational thought and was content to let fate take its course—for a while, at least.

  When she returned Julia to Nan's care, she remembered another decision she'd taken and asked Nan to make arrangements to have Julia assessed. If it was done within the familiar preschool environment, her daughter would be more relaxed.

  And if her daughter proved particularly gifted?

  She shook her head, reluctant to confront that question. In fact, she half hoped the tests would show her daughter within the 'normal' range—whatever that might be!

  A note on her desk told her Jake was in Outpatients if she needed him, but he'd be off duty by six and would like to take her and Julia out to dinner. 'I can borrow a car so be ready by six-thirty,' he'd written, and she could hear the peremptory tone he'd have used if he'd spoken the words to her.

  Was dining with him—even with Julia as a safety valve—letting destiny carry her too far?

  Probably!

  But after the way she'd reacted to him this morning, destiny had already carried her past the point of no return.

  She told herself that making love need not affect the choices she must make, although her heart knew a physical reunion could alter everything.

  They went to dinner with him, Julia delighting in Jake's vivid description of the classy restaurant. Closing her eyes and listening to his words, Katy could see the sparkle of candlelight reflected off the silver cutlery, the drop of water on the rose petal in the silver bud vase on the table. She could feel the crispness of the linen napkins.

  and smell the rich medley of perfume and aftershave in the air around them.

  'You asleep?' Jake murmured, and his fingers touched her thigh, electrifying her nerve-endings and starting a quiver of unfamiliar delight through her body.

  'I often try to "see" it as Julia does,' she explained, opening her eyes to see the blazing message of desire he'd hidden behind the laconic words.

  She knew her eyes were answering, but she'd known where this evening would end from the moment they'd left Julia at the crèche this morning. She just hadn't wanted to admit it—even to herself.

  Somehow, she survived the meal. She was sure it had been delicious, but couldn't remember what she'd eaten. She knew Julia had kept the conversation going and hoped her daughter hadn't been too brash or cheeky. She'd responded—appropriately, she hoped—when someone spoke, and smiled a lot, for the conversations she had taken in had been amusingly different.

  But destiny was sweeping her along—a leaf in a tide-tugged stream.

&nb
sp; 'Okay, we'd better take your mother home,' Jake said. 'I know she looks as if she's here, but she isn't with us.'

  'Perhaps she's asleep,' Julia suggested, giggling with delight at the thought of a mother who'd slept through dinner.

  'Perhaps she should have been,' Jake murmured in Katy's ear as he took her elbow and helped her up from her chair.

  It was like waiting for exam results, Katy decided. A stomach-wrenching mixture of anticipation and dread. She made an effort to be sociable as they drove home, but it was hard to pretend it was a normal outing.

  Julia fell asleep in the car, half woke as Jake carried her inside, then went straight back to sleep when Katy had undressed her, slid a nightdress over her head and tucked her into bed.

  'Coffee?' Jake suggested when she made her way slowly back down the stairs.

  She shook her head, too tense to speak, then stepped towards him as he came to meet her, his arms outstretched, his face alight with messages of love.

  For a while they simply stood, letting their bodies absorb the secret scent and texture of each other, then Jake bent to kiss her and the room spun wildly.

  'Shall we go upstairs?' he whispered, stroking the words against her skin.

  She was beyond replying but she let him guide her upward. He knew Julia's room, so guessed the other would be hers, opening the door and sweeping her into his arms to carry her over the threshold.

  Her heart was banging against her ribs and her breath fluttered in her lungs. Jake dropped her on the bed and looked around, his eyes gleaming with delight.

  'Single bed? How virginal, my love.'

  He knelt above her and began to undo the buttons of her dress, pushing back the material, his fingers lingering on the lacy bra she had beneath it.

  Back to the buttons, each one so slowly extricated from its hole. Her body trembled with the prolongation of desire, this teasing dalliance that was heightening her need and sharpening her desire.

  'So slim! So pale!'

  His hand trailed across her stomach, then lingered on the lacy scrap of material below it. Heat surged between her thighs—remembered heat, remembered pulses of desire.