Heart of a SEAL

by Dixie Lee Brown

  “Guilty as charged.” He recalled the day she was referring to as though it was yesterday. His SEAL unit had returned Stateside, and three of his best buds…and Ian’s…had surprised him at the hospital. Not that he was thrilled to have them as visitors either, but he’d learned three things about true friends that day. They wouldn’t let you piss your life away feeling sorry for yourself. They were willing—even eager—to tell you when you’d screwed up. And they always had your back. They were quick to tell him he owed the truth to the mystery woman in the picture he was always scrutinizing. Where she went with it after that was up to her. Unfortunately, he’d come around to their way of thinking a day too late.

  She jerked her gaze back to him, her jaw set in stony resolve. “When Rachel and Garrett learned it was you and not your doctors behind the order to keep me out, they were mad as hell. I made excuses for your behavior, blaming your injuries and frame of mind after the ordeal you’d been through. Garrett was set on confronting you, but I begged him not to. I couldn’t handle being the cause of an argument between you and your brother. You needed him…and you’d made it clear you didn’t need me. Garrett was sure you’d come to your senses after you’d had some time to deal with the trauma. I wasn’t so sure, but I went home trying to fool myself into believing it was true.”

  Luke hung his head with the weight of his regret. “I was a damn fool. You and Jen were with me every step of the way in that desert. When the rescue unit found me, the captain in charge said to start planning my homecoming, and you were the first person I thought about. I couldn’t wait to see you again.” Luke paused as his memories pressed in on him.

  “Then what was it?” Disbelief closed over her features.

  He could have reached for her hand and threaded his fingers through hers, but her guarded expression told him how foolhardy that idea was. Misery rose up like a living thing and tried to deter him, but he raised his gaze to hers. Memories closed around him.

  “Everything changed when I woke up on a hospital ship…paralyzed from the waist down.” It had taken everything he possessed to force the words out without also giving away the bone-deep terror he’d become acquainted with that day.

  Sympathy lined Sally’s face, and though he hated her feeling sorry for him, Luke couldn’t stop now if he was going to get through this.

  “Doctors said the round missed my heart by a fraction of an inch and lodged right up against my spine. Swelling had caused the paralysis, but they couldn’t operate until the inflammation was gone. In either case, they weren’t giving me very good odds I’d ever get out of a wheelchair.”

  It was obvious now he’d made a hasty and ill-advised decision, but it hadn’t been so easy to call when nurses had performed every humiliating service he needed while he looked ahead to nothing but more of the same. Somehow, he had to make her understand. “Whether you knew it or not, you saved my life in that prison. I couldn’t saddle you and Jen with a cripple—or worse yet, leave you to make a choice you’d probably never forgive yourself for.”

  Something like anger flashed in her eyes and she started to speak, but Luke raised a hand.

  “There’s more. Please let me get this out. If you can’t bring yourself to forgive me, I’ll live with that.”

  Sally pressed her lips together.

  “I was more like an animal than a man when those soldiers rescued me from that prison. I’d been living like one for months. Wallowing in filth. Eating slop—God only knows what they fed us—and we were glad to get it. Taking whatever they decided my punishment was for being alive each day. Living in a blind rage every minute, but knowing that to give them even one provocation would mean my death. I was on the fucking edge all the time. I wasn’t safe to be around.”

  Even delving into his memories far enough to give her a summary of the hell he’d lived filled his nostrils with the putrid stench of death, and his stomach churned into a knot the size of an Idaho mountain. He dropped his head and fought the smells and sounds of the illusion that wanted to claim him again. It’s not real. It’s in the past. I’m home…with Sally.

  He raised his head and met her gaze. “I didn’t want you to see me like that…or feel sorry for me and possibly get trapped in a relationship you never really wanted. I tried to get my brother to stop you from coming to the hospital, but Garrett threatened me if I even suggested that he or Rachel lie to you. So, I lied to them about visitation, and then I told myself what I was doing was best for everyone.” He tried a half-hearted smile, but she looked a little pale, biting her lower lip nervously. At least she didn’t seem quite as angry as she had before.

  “I’d just gotten my courage up to tell you everything…ask you to go home and forget about me…when Garrett said you’d left. I’m sorry I hurt you and Jen—actually, sorry doesn’t begin to describe the regret that weighs me down every hour of the day.” This time he couldn’t help himself. He reached toward her, covering one hand as it rested on her thigh. She made no move to welcome his touch so, after a few seconds, he pulled his hand away. “Please don’t blame Garrett or Rachel. I begged them not to tell you how serious my injuries were, both physical and mental. I told them I’d tell you when I was better. I’m pretty sure Rachel may never speak to me again, but here I am, as promised.” Although his explanation was way too late if the distrust in her eyes was any indication.

  “My father stepped up—you remember the senator, don’t you?” Right before Luke had deployed, his father had caused no small commotion, showing up at his Aunt Peg’s lodge in a helo, complete with bodyguards, to tell his sons that their formerly estranged and currently deceased mother had tried to kill them when Luke was five. Talk about a cluster.

  Sally barely nodded.

  “The senator whipped out his checkbook and hired a panel of shrinks to make me right in the head. Man, I hated him for that, for noticing how fucked up I was and calling attention to it. Mind you, I’m still not a hundred percent, but now I can at least admit the old man probably saved my life.

  “It was three weeks before the doctors would chance the surgery to remove the bullet lodged near my spine. A full month after that before I got any feeling or movement in my toes. And months of physical therapy. Every time I had a good day, I promised myself I’d call you. Then I’d have a setback and…I couldn’t. Pretty soon, it just got to be too long—too much time had gone by. You’d no doubt gotten on with your life, and who was I to get in the middle of that? Now it’s easy to look back and see what a coward I was.”

  A rueful laugh drew his gaze to hers again. She still held herself stiffly. “What made you change your mind? I mean…here you are in the middle of my life.” She emphasized the last few words as her brows rose questioningly.

  Luke swiped a hand through his hair and slouched against the cushions on the couch. She might not be as angry anymore, but there was no trust anywhere in her expression “Maybe I should have left well enough alone, but the way I treated you was killing me slowly. Besides, I never said I was a smart man.”

  Sally’s brows knit in a frown. “That’s good, because you were wrong at nearly every juncture. If you’re looking for a woman in your life that’ll be happy with you making all her decisions, let me know how that works for you. That’s a deal breaker for me, so I guess this did turn out for the best.” She glanced toward the hallway and Jen’s room. “I’m sorry for what happened to you, Luke. I can’t imagine what it must have been like over there. I understand it was tough recovering mentally, emotionally and physically…but you didn’t have to go through that alone.”

  She whipped a hand in the air. “You know what I mean. I know you’ve got family, and I’m sure they were all there for you, so you were right—you didn’t need me anyway. The three weeks we spent together before you left, the phone calls and the e-mails afterward made me think we had something. That’s why I dropped everything and rushed to Bethesda. Not because I wanted to see how badly you we
re damaged so I could decide if I should cut you loose. If you believed that, you must have thought I was pretty shallow, but then, we didn’t really know each other, did we?”

  “There’s not a shallow bone in your body. You’re as beautiful inside as you are on the outside, and a kinder soul has never drawn breath. I couldn’t get past the idea you deserved better than half of a man, and I guess I felt responsible for making sure you got that. I was a jerk—I admit it, but at the time, how my injury and my mental state affected your life was the only thing I had any control over. I’d change it all if I could, Sally, but the damage has been done.”

  Sally’s back remained ramrod straight while he bared his soul. Her eyes had misted like she was close to tears, but the firm set of her jaw clearly said she wouldn’t cry in front of him. He didn’t blame her. There’d probably been more than a few tears shed because of him.

  This wasn’t going well, but no worse than he deserved. He should have called first, but that little item of etiquette had been yanked out of his hands. His sudden appearance had upset her, hard on the heels of the date from hell. Red and blue bruises had become clearly evident on the side of her face in the last thirty minutes. A rush of anger made him drop his gaze. She’d probably have a black eye too. Hell. All in all, she’d had a memorable night. Still, she’d allowed him to say his peace. He respected her for that. It’d been foolish for him to expect forgiveness. Probably best to slink off into the night before the evening got any worse.

  “Look…no one knows better than me I screwed up, and I hope someday you’ll be able to forgive me.” Luke leaned forward and reached for his boots. “Thanks for hearing me out. I’ll lock the door behind me. My truck is just down the block. Everybody will be more comfortable if I sleep there, but I’d be grateful if you’d let me come back in the morning to fix breakfast for Jen. Then I’ll go.”

  Sally regarded him with disbelief. “I suppose I’m the ‘everybody’ you’re referring to? You’re really quick with that, aren’t you? You did it at the hospital and you’re doing it now—deciding what I want—what I’m comfortable with.” She stood and paced a couple of steps, her frustration obvious. “You suffered more than I can ever imagine—I get that. But you basically turned your back on me…and Jen. Why? Because you didn’t want me to see you like… what? Hurt? Beaten and bruised? Angry? Unconscious with tubes sticking out all over? Or was it just that you didn’t want me to see you weak and not in control for the first time in your life? Well, I expect a little more from any man I’d bring into Jen’s life.”

  “Please believe me—I thought I was doing the right thing for you and Jen. Turned out to be a bad decision…one I’ll regret for the rest of my life.” The need to move on had him on his feet. He’d said what he’d come to say. He loosened the laces on one of his boots and positioned it to slide his foot inside.

  Tears welled in her eyes as she tossed her hair with a shake of her head. Luke had only seen her cry once before and knowing his unannounced appearance was the cause this time didn’t sit well. He shoved his hands in his pockets to keep from reaching for her. It did nothing to stop him from feeling like an ass, however.

  “I’m going to bed.” Sally halted after she’d skirted around him. Silence stretched for a moment before she sighed and looked over her shoulder. “You’re sleeping on the couch and you’re fixing breakfast for all of us in the morning, and don’t forget you promised Jen a shopping trip. We’ll set something up before you leave tomorrow. And…don’t make decisions for me.” Her short robe bounced against her thighs as she strode quickly toward the hall.

  Luke watched her disappear, slightly breathless from the sudden turn of events. He folded his hands behind his head and leaned back. A small smile tugged at his lips. She hadn’t taken the opportunity to kick him out when he’d handed it to her. That had to be good. He’d be allowed to go birthday shopping with Jen. That was even more telling. No way would Sally let him near her daughter if she thought he was beyond forgiveness.

  He pulled his T-shirt over his head and turned off the light. Situating the pillow, he spread out the blanket before he pulled his Glock from the waistband of his fatigues and slid it carefully beneath the cushion where his head would rest. Sally’s former boss was a dangerous man. Every instinct Luke possessed told him so. Hopefully, the loser would go home and forget about his humiliating night, but it wouldn’t hurt to be ready…just in case.

  Sleep eluded him, but that wasn’t unusual. He hadn’t had a full night’s sleep, or one undisturbed by dreams, in over six months. A weight had lifted from him tonight, though, and for the first time in a damn long time, regret hadn’t formed a ball of apprehension in his stomach when he lay down.

  Now that he’d seen them again and confessed his deception to Sally, it wasn’t even half enough. As much as he hated to admit it, he was in love with the sweetly innocent, slightly sassy brunette he’d pledged to return to when his mission was over. She’d tried hard to make it sound as though she was done with him, but the fact he was still here, stretched out on her couch, meant he still had one more chance. In the morning, over breakfast, perhaps he could break through the walls she’d erected. Maybe it wasn’t too late to win her heart.

  * * * *

  Luke tossed and turned on the edge of sleep, coughing against the tickle in his throat. A large inhale preceded a coughing fit that brought him fully awake. His eyes burning and his breath wheezing in and out, he rolled off the couch to his hands and knees, the effort causing another round of hacking.

  Fire! He couldn’t see any flames. It was still too dark to tell where the smoke was coming from. Reaching for the lamp beside the couch, he turned the switch only to have the room remain in total darkness. He might as well have been blind. Feeling for the Glock, he slid it in his waistband, then quickly rose to a crouch and shoved his feet into his unlaced boots. He found his T-shirt and jerked it over his head on the fly.

  Entering the hallway, he went automatically to Jen’s room—the room where she’d begged him to read to her on more than one occasion. He threw her door open and his heart nearly stopped at the flames licking along the ceiling in the center of the room. The smoke was noticeably thicker.

  “Sally!” He banged on the wall between her room and Jen’s. If she was awake and smelled the smoke, she’d go to Jen’s room first. He’d bet on that. Ignoring the ever-present stiffness in his back and shoulders, Luke dropped to his hands and knees and crawled the rest of the way to the bed positioned against the opposite wall.

  Jen was a lump in the middle of the full-size mattress. Was she just a sound sleeper or had she already inhaled too much smoke? Dread tightening like a band across his chest, Luke scooped her up with her blanket and turned to rush from the room.

  Chapter Three

  As though from a great distance, banging intruded into Sally’s exhausted sleep. She groaned and tasted the acrid dryness that, for some reason, rested in the back of her throat. Water. She uncurled from the tight ball she slept in and rolled onto her back, sliding her legs over the edge of the mattress. Hot air swirled around her bare thighs. It must be a hundred degrees in here. Barely a second passed before she made the connection. Her eyes flew open only to burn and tear with smoke from the flames that licked along the ceiling above her. Sally jumped to her feet as terror engulfed her. A coughing fit doubled her over and left her struggling for air.

  Fire! I have to get Jen and Luke! Hastily, Sally shoved her feet into a pair of slip-on canvas shoes she’d left at the foot of her bed and sprinted toward the door. Fear for her daughter galvanized her movements and gave her purpose. Still, her heart hammered so hard and fast, the sound of its beating was all she could hear.

  Reaching the door, Sally stretched for the knob, but the door flew open, barely missing her as she stumbled backward. A tall, broad-shouldered form stood just outside, the glow from behind her highlighting the relief on his chiseled features.

 
Luke held a squirming bundle close to his chest with one arm. Jen! He reached for Sally with the other, urgently tugging her into the hallway. His presence, and Jen’s, momentarily eased her panic.

  “Luke? Is Jen okay?”

  “She’s fine.” Luke tugged on her arm again. “We need to go.” He had to raise his voice to be heard over the roar she hadn’t noticed until now.

  Fear squeezed Sally’s stomach as she stumbled after Luke. A glance over her shoulder caught flames clawing across the ceiling and down the wall by the window, engulfing the drapes in a barrier of fire. Drapes that had cost her a small fortune—gone in the space of a heartbeat.

  Oh my God! That could have been me. Her involuntary gasp forced more smoke into her lungs, and her protesting airway took over again. The more she coughed, the more smoke she inhaled. Her eyes burned and watered until she could barely see.

  The farther they got from the bedrooms, the less smoke choked the air. Exiting the hallway into the living room, she jerked her arm from Luke’s grasp. “Are you sure Jen’s all right?” She tried to untangle the blankets that held her daughter.

  As though in response, the bundle in his arms stretched until two arms poked from the blanket and curled around his neck. Luke’s brief smile held relief. “I’ve got her. She’s okay.” He hooked his arm around Sally’s waist and guided her toward the front door, speaking calmly in her ear, loudly enough to be heard over the fire and the blood pulsing in her temples. His voice, sure and confident, called her back from the edge of terror.

  Luke turned the dead bolt and opened the door, then dashed toward the couch and grabbed his duffel bag. At the last second, Sally spotted her purse atop the cabinet where she’d forgotten it after his unexpected appearance earlier. Her credit cards were in there, as well as what little money she had. Somehow, she’d have to put a roof over their heads—they’d need clothes and other essentials. She snatched the bag and her cell phone, threw the strap over her head, then noticed a pair of Jen’s tennis shoes beneath the cabinet and snagged them before rushing through the open doorway with Luke on her heels. They jogged down the front steps, both dragging fresh air into their lungs, causing them to work overtime to force the smoke out. When Luke finally stopped, she dropped to her knees in the grass at the edge of the street and gave in to the uncontrollable need to cough.