Girls in White Dresses

by JENNIFER CLOSE

  “Isn’t it pretty here?” she asked. “Isn’t it prettier than Tufts? It’s real y the prettiest campus I’ve ever seen.”

  Final y he laughed and put his arm around her shoulders. “You might be a little biased, don’t you think?” he asked. He was talking to her in his aren’t you cute voice, which he used to use a lot more at the beginning of their relationship. He hadn’t used it much recently and Isabel a wasn’t sure if this was normal or not.

  Isabel a had realized a couple of weeks ago that this was the longest relationship she had ever had. She was now twenty-nine. She could no longer compare this to crazy Wil from col ege or Ben the Stoner. Now this had turned into her “real relationship,” the one she would have to compare every other relationship to. Or not compare it to, if it was the one that would last.

  In col ege, twenty-nine had seemed impossibly old. By now, she’d thought, she’d be married and have kids. But as each year went by, she didn’t feel much different than she had before. Time kept going by and she was just here, the same.

  It seemed like it al happened easier for everyone else. Look at Harrison’s friends. They just got married and had kids and didn’t seem to think about it too much. Maybe that was her problem. Maybe she was thinking about it too much. Or maybe the fact that she was thinking about it meant it wasn’t right.

  There was one morning recently when they were lounging in bed, which was unusual for Harrison. Sundays were his day to go running, and he was usual y up and out the door before she woke up. But this Sunday he didn’t go anywhere. They ordered breakfast in from the Bagelry and watched Meet the Press with the New York Times spread al over the bed.

  It bothered her that he was such a go-getter on the weekend. It made her feel lazy to stay in bed when he was out running. That morning she was ready to pick a fight with him over leaving the apartment. And then, like he knew what she was thinking, he didn’t go anywhere.

  “No run today?” she asked.

  He shrugged. “Don’t real y feel like it,” he said.

  Isabel a had two tiny stuffed pigs that she kept on her night-stand, named Buster and Stinky. Harrison had always thought it was odd, the way she loved stuffed animals, the way she was drawn to little figurines and fuzzy things. “You’re so weird,” he said, laughing, when she made a stuffed frog ribbit at him. And she knew he meant it.

  Boyfriends in her past had found this trait cute and charming. They had indulged her with little fuzzy animals as presents. Ben had even gone so far as to give them little voices (usual y when he was stoned) and march them across the bed to make her laugh.

  Harrison had largely ignored Buster and Stinky, except once when he had used Buster as a Hacky Sack during a long phone cal . But that morning, Isabel a came back from the bathroom to find the two pigs in the middle of the bed in a compromising pose. She stared at them for a minute before it registered that they were in the 69 position.

  She stood at the end of the bed until Harrison final y looked up.

  “Good Lord,” he said. “Bunch of dirty pigs around here. They must have learned it from watching you.”

  “You know,” she said, “that they are both boys, right?”

  “Are you saying that two male pigs can’t be in love? Did you learn nothing from the penguins at the zoo?”

  Isabel a laughed and climbed back into bed with him. For the rest of the day, anytime she left the room Harrison arranged the pigs in another dirty pose. Yes, she thought at the end of the day. Okay, I could be with him forever.

  She worried that maybe they’d been dating too long to end up together. It was like when you tried to jump off the high dive and if you did it right away, you were fine. But if you stood there looking down, thinking of al the bad things that could happen, you were doomed. You would just climb back down the ladder to the safety of the ground.

  Harrison was standing next to a dorm building, checking his BlackBerry. She watched him from behind. How was she supposed to be okay just hating him and then loving him on alternate days? What if that never stopped?

  She went up behind him and stood on her toes until her nose was right next to his ear, and then she snorted softly and slowly. He tilted his head like she was tickling him, and he lowered his BlackBerry. She kept snorting until she heard him laugh and then she stopped and kissed the back of his neck.

  “Hey, dirty pig,” he said, turning around. “There you are.”

  “There you are,” she said. She put her face next to his and snorted again until he smiled and kissed her.

  E veryone was talking about babies. It al started when someone suggested that Shannon was getting married because she was pregnant. “She just met the guy six months ago,” their friend Annie said. “And here we are at their wedding. It’s a little suspicious.”

  “You think there’s a bun in that oven?” Lauren asked. “I don’t think so.”

  “Maybe she just wanted to get married,” Isabel a said. Then, to change the subject, she asked their friend Katie how her pregnancy was going, and Katie launched into a speech about how hard it had been for her to get pregnant the second time. “You just always think it wil be so easy,” she said. “I already had Charles, and I just figured I’d be able to get pregnant whenever I wanted.” Katie paused here to take a sip of her water, and Lauren looked hopeful that the conversation was over, but then Katie continued. “Anyway, I bought a book cal ed Taking Charge of Your Fertility , and it real y changed my life,” she said.

  Annie squealed, “I bought that book too! It’s amazing.” The two of them began discussing how they tested their cervical fluid to find out when they were ovulating.

  “Cervical fluid?” Lauren whispered to Isabel a.

  “Discharge,” Isabel a whispered back. Lauren put down her cake and picked up her drink.

  “That’s real y gross,” she said.

  “No kidding,” Isabel a answered.

  When the two girls started comparing the difference between fluid that was like “egg whites” and fluid that was “fluffy,” Lauren got up to get them new drinks. When she came back, they were talking about placenta. Isabel a grabbed the drink from her and smiled.

  “Remember when Michael Jackson said he grabbed the baby with the placenta stil on it?” Lauren asked. Isabel a laughed and shook her head.

  “What?” Lauren asked. “That’s real y my only placenta story. I’m just trying to participate.” The two of them snorted with laughter.

  Everyone kept bringing up Michael Jackson. He had died earlier in the week, and every time Isabel a turned on the TV, he was looking right back at her. It was impossible to forget about him. Even the band at the wedding was playing a lot of Michael Jackson. Shannon’s wedding was turning into a Michael Jackson memorial concert. It was weird.

  “You know what song has been in my head for like a week?” Lauren asked. “ ‘Bil ie Jean.’ It just keeps playing, and I don’t know what to do about it. Do you think it wil make me go insane? It’s just always there in the background of my brain, ‘Bil ie Jean is not my lover …’ ”

  “You have the worst voice,” Isabel a said.

  “It’s real y sad about Michael Jackson,” Katie said.

  “I don’t think it is,” Lauren said. “I don’t know why, but I wasn’t sad at al .”

  “Do you know what you’re going to name the baby?” Isabel a asked.

  “Wel , I like Jason but I’m not sure.”

  “Maybe you should name him Blanket,” Lauren said.

  Isabel a wanted everyone to stop talking about babies before Mary came over to the table. Mary was pregnant two weeks ago, but no one knew that. She’d confessed to Isabel a and Lauren one night when they were at her apartment. Lauren had brought champagne over to celebrate her new real estate job. “Come on,” Lauren said when Mary said she didn’t want any. “I’m final y gainful y employed. If you can’t celebrate that, what can you celebrate?” She’d poured the glass anyway, and held it in front of Mary, right under her nose, until Mary turned her fa
ce away and said, “I’m pregnant.” Just like that.

  “Oh, fuck,” Lauren said, lowering the glass. “Why didn’t you say so?”

  “I can’t believe it,” Mary kept saying. “I just can’t believe it.”

  “Wel , it’s pretty good timing,” Isabel a said. “I mean, you’l be married soon.”

  “Yeah,” Mary said slowly. “I just didn’t plan it. I didn’t think it was going to happen like this.”

  Then she cal ed Isabel a a week later to tel her that she wasn’t pregnant anymore. “I’m not sure what happened,” she said. “The doctor said it’s normal.”

  “Wel then, I’m sure it is,” Isabel a said.

  “I feel so stupid,” Mary said. “I know I didn’t plan it, but then I wanted it. Now I feel like I wished it away.”

  “I don’t think it works like that,” Isabel a said.

  “I guess not.” Mary didn’t sound convinced.

  Now they were at Shannon’s wedding, and stil al anyone could talk about was babies. “Do you know why Kristi said she couldn’t come to the

  wedding?” Katie asked. “Because they only travel when her mother-in-law can come with and she was busy. They can’t leave the baby even for a night, because Kristi only breast-feeds. She never even pumps. That is weird.”

  “Isn’t the baby almost a year old?” Isabel a asked. They both nodded.

  “Gross,” Lauren said.

  Ken was worried about Mary. He told Isabel a after the wedding. “I’m worried about her,” he said. Isabel a hugged him. He was a nice guy.

  “I think she’l be okay,” she told him. He nodded. Whenever he stood next to Mary, he had his hand on her arm.

  Katie was talking about her birth plan for the second baby. Lauren looked at her with disgust and fear. This was nothing, Isabel a thought. Harrison and Isabel a had seen the actual video of Charles’s birth. It happened quite by accident. Katie and Tim invited them over for dinner one night, and as they were drinking wine, admiring the baby, and eating mini quiches, Katie asked, “Do you want to see the birthing video?” Isabel a was sure that neither she nor Harrison said yes, but they didn’t say no either, and so they found themselves watching Katie writhing on the TV while a slimy Charles made his way into the world. When they walked out of the apartment that night, Harrison hit the elevator button and simply said, “Holy shit.”

  Isabel a loved him for that.

  “They aren’t that good of friends,” she felt compel ed to tel him. He just shook his head and put his eyes to the ceiling. “Holy shit,” he said again.

  “Hooooly shit.”

  Lauren had pul ed the first layer of her bridesmaid dress over her head and was dancing around to “Beat It.” “I think maybe no more cocktails for Lauren,” Isabel a said to no one in particular.

  “That’s just real y inappropriate,” Katie said. Isabel a made a mental note to tel Harrison this later. “Do you believe she thinks that’s inappropriate?” she’l say. “How about showing your friends a video starring your vagina?” And he’d laugh.

  Isabel a hadn’t seen Harrison in a while. He was probably avoiding being anywhere near Katie. Isabel a was sure that he was afraid of Katie after the video. She didn’t blame him.

  She walked outside and saw Mary and Ken on the other side of the stone patio that overlooked the ocean. Mary leaned her head in the nook of Ken’s arm and he kissed the top of her head. Isabel a felt like she was spying, but she stood and watched them.

  Harrison walked up behind Isabel a and smiled when he saw that she was crying. “Are you crying?” he asked. She shook her head no. “You are the worst liar,” he said. Isabel a always cried at weddings. (Although normal y she cried at the ceremony and not the reception.)

  “Everything okay?” Harrison asked.

  Isabel a nodded. “I’m just happy.”

  “Clearly,” he said. He pul ed a handkerchief out of his pocket and handed it to her so that she could blow her nose. Harrison always brought handkerchiefs to weddings so that he could hand them to Isabel a. He was the only person she knew besides her grandfather who carried actual handkerchiefs.

  The first time he’d handed one to her, it was like finding a twenty-dol ar bil in her winter jacket: unexpected and incredibly lucky. It thril ed her, the happiness that came with that gesture—and it never went away, it never even faded. Every time he gave her his handkerchief, she was dizzy with fortune.

  “You missed a great conversation in there about childbirth,” Isabel a told him.

  “I’m sorry I missed it,” Harrison said. “Did Katie pul out some photos of Charles in the birth canal?”

  “Not this time. There was just a lot of talk about placenta.”

  “ ‘Placenta’ comes from a Latin word meaning ‘flat cake,’ ” Harrison said.

  “How do you know that? Why is that something that you know in your head?”

  Harrison shrugged. “I heard it somewhere.” He smiled.

  “I think you watch too much Discovery Channel,” Isabel a said.

  When Harrison gave her a dog for her thirtieth birthday, she was overwhelmed at the responsibility. “I think I’m going to kil it,” she kept saying. He assured her that she would not. Isabel a had wanted a dog for a long time, but once she had him she was sure she wasn’t ready. She could step on him, forget to feed him, or leave something poisonous out for him to eat. The possibilities were endless.

  The second night he was at the apartment, Winston cried so much that Isabel a ended up lying on the floor next to him. She woke up to Harrison standing above her saying, “Who owns who?” Winston was curled in a tight bal by her stomach, and she looked closely to make sure he was stil breathing. Then she looked at Harrison, rubbed her eyes, and said, “I think he might own us, but we’l see.”

  Harrison smiled. “You’re a good mom,” he said, and then he went to brush his teeth. Just like that, out of the blue, You’re a good mom.

  “Do you want to go back in?” Isabel a asked him. “Katie is talking about her birthing plan.”

  Harrison considered. “No,” he said. “I do not.”

  Isabel a twisted the handkerchief in her hand and smiled.

  K en’s father had died, and so Mary couldn’t be as honest about things as she wanted to. “I’m al my mom has,” Ken said whenever Mary mentioned anything.

  “She has three other kids,” Mary said.

  “None like me,” he said, putting his arm around her shoulder.

  Mary tried to be charitable. After al , she was Catholic. She could suffer in silence. She tried not to say anything when Ken spent whole weekends at his mom’s house, doing her taxes or helping her pick out a door for the new garage. “My dad took care of al that stuff,” he said whenever Mary complained that she didn’t see him enough.

  On Mary and Ken’s first date, Ken took a cal from his mom in the middle of dinner. “I’m sorry,” he said when he got back. “My mom gets nervous when I don’t answer. My dad passed a few years ago, and so she’s al alone.”

  Mary could have cried from happiness. She was on a blind date with a truly nice guy who loved his mother and wasn’t afraid to tel her. Three dates later it wasn’t as charming.

  Ken moved into Mary’s apartment but warned her that he could never tel his mom what he’d done. “But we’re thirty,” Mary said. She’d never found him less attractive.

  “My mom is just old-fashioned,” he said. “And I don’t want to upset her. She’s been through so much with my dad and everything.” And so Mary wasn’t al owed to say much more.

  “Some umbilical cords are stronger than others,” Lauren told her. It sounded like the first line of a horror movie.

  “Cal me Button,” Ken’s mother said when they got engaged. “Or Mom.”

  Everyone cal ed Ken’s mother Button. They always had. Most people didn’t even know that her real name was Virginia. “My dad just thought I was cute as a button,” she explained once to Mary. “And the name stuck.”

  Mary couldn’t
imagine cal ing a grown woman Button. Cal ing her Mom was worse. Mary was certain the offer was insincere. She wanted to keep cal ing her Mrs. Walker, like she always had. But now that the subject had been broached, she knew she couldn’t, so Mary just said, “Thank you,”

  and stopped cal ing her anything.

  “What am I supposed to do?” Mary asked Isabel a. “His family is obviously crazy.”

  “So is Harrison’s family,” Isabel a said. “They never hug. Did I tel you that? They literal y just wave at each other from across the room when they haven’t seen each other in months. It’s bizarre.”

  “Wel , Ken’s mother hugs her children when they leave the room for more than five minutes.”

  “Real y?”

  “Yeah.”

  “That’s kind of weird.”

  “I know.”

  “Harrison’s family doesn’t ever talk on the phone. Never. Except if they’re going to meet somewhere and they want to confirm the time.”

  “Ken’s family only goes out to eat at T.G.I. Friday’s or Chili’s,” Mary said, and Isabel a laughed.

  “Harrison’s brother eats with his hands and never says ‘Excuse me’ when he leaves the table. He just gets up to go.”

  “I don’t think Button wants us to get married.”

  “Real y?”

  “Yeah. I think she wants Ken to pay attention only to her.”

  “Ew,” Isabel a said.

  “I know.”

  Every summer, Ken’s family went to Lake Minnetonka in Cable, Wisconsin. “Don’t you guys ever want to go somewhere else?” Mary asked.

  “That’s where we go,” Ken explained. “My dad started taking us there when I was just a baby.”

  Mary and Ken had been dating for two years, but Mary was never invited to “the lake.” Ken came on vacation with her family, but never mentioned it when he went away. Now that they were engaged, Button cal ed Ken to tel him to extend the invitation to Mary. He told her as though she should be thril ed. “You’l get to see the lake!” he said. She smiled. No lake could be worth a week with Button.