Black and Ugly as Ever (The Cartel Publications Presents)

by Styles, T.

  Daffany

  I need to stop this shit but I don’t know how. Nothing about my life makes sense anymore and I don’t know what to do. And I can’t call the one person I know cares about me because I messed up.

  “You’re beautiful,” the trick said as I lay in his bed, with him on top of me. His wife was at work. I waited in his basement for two hours in the dark, and the moment she hit the door, he snuck me upstairs. On my way up, I noticed family pictures dressed the walls. His family was beautiful and still he wasn’t satisfied. What I wouldn’t give for a life like this. “I didn’t know you were so beautiful.”

  I smiled. I would give him credit for being nicer than most tricks but I didn’t understand his reason. I felt like I didn’t deserve such kindness. I was a whore and whores are supposed to be used. Still I couldn’t get over how handsome he was. More handsome than I would think a trick would be. I mean, he could get anybody he wanted, so why me? His light brown eyes and honey brown skin was perfect, and his build was muscular, sexy and he smelled good.

  Rubbing his hands on my face, he looked deeply into my eyes. This was weird but his touch caused me to melt. The only thing that fucked this moment up was the smell of the condom. It made me nauseous at first. Certain smells irritated me. Pushing the scent out of my mind, I imagined this was my home, and that I was carrying his baby. I even tried to push out of my mind that he had a fetish for pregnant woman who were showing. He said something about our pussies being tigher the further along in the pregnancy we were. And since I couldn’t fuck myself, I had no idea if it was true or not, so I took his word for it.

  Easing into my body, he sucked on my bottom lip lightly. He was making love to me and it felt so good. I knew what this was all about. Money. Still, I decided to enjoy myself. I needed his attention right now. I needed to feel like a lady, even if the man on top of me was not mine. A light smile spread across my face until he bit my lip so hard my body tensed up and I screamed in his face.

  “Shut the fuck up, bitch!” he stole me in my jaw. “You know you like this shit don’t you!” He hit me with a closed fist again. “Whores like you love this kind of shit and you ain’t no different!”

  I saw my blood fall on his lip and he wiped it off. Where am I? What’s going on? Who is this man on top of me? When I looked up at him, I remembered that he had just hit me. He stole me so hard, that for a brief moment, I lost memory.

  “I’m sorry,” he said softly lightly touching my face again seeing my tears. His strokes harder and harder inside of me. It was like he was getting off on what he was doing. He went from crazy to nice instantly. “I didn’t mean to hit you so hard. Are you okay?”

  Tasting my own blood and feeling my baby kick wildly I still managed to lie. All I wanted was to get out of this house safely along with my money. Because after this, I was gonna have to get high. And if God helped me just this one time, I promised myself that I’d never get in this position again. Fear set in when I realized I’d made many promises to the Lord and kept none of them.

  “I’m fine.” He continued to rape me. “I’m okay, really. I just got to go home.”

  “Good. I’m glad you’re okay.” He rubbed my face again before his hands found their way on my throat. He squeezed and squeezed some more.

  As he choked me I tried my best to fight him, my baby too. We were both fighting for our lives. Not being able to breathe was petrifying. He continued to rape me while he prevented oxygen from entering my body. And then I felt light. I felt this feeling before when I had my own apartment and someone I trusted broke in. No longer able to defend myself, I gave in to the feeling. Sure I’d been in the worst kind of trouble since fucking with heroin, but this was different. I wanted to die. I wanted to leave the hell I lived in daily. I welcomed death with open arms. Tell Miss Wayne and Parade I love them. Please.

  When I felt water on my face I thought I was dreaming until I could feel him going in and out of me. I’m still here? I’m still alive? I had hoped he wouldn’t torture me anymore. I had hoped he’d be done and I’d be in heaven but I wasn’t.

  “That’s right, beautiful, get up. I’m not half done with you yet.” He said licking his lips. “I’ma get my full moneys worth from your beautiful whore ass. I love fuckin’ whores like you. You shouldn’t be walking around passing out good pussy. Somebody got to take it. Somebody got to put you in your place. That’s my job.”

  “Please let me go,” I cried. “Please…I just want to go home.” Without waiting he hit me so hard in the face, I felt my skull move. This was the scariest situation I had ever been in, in my life and I didn’t see a way out. For the next few hours, he continuously choked me and brought me back to consciousness. And each time, I hoped I wouldn’t wake up but every time I did.

  Miss Wayne

  Getting back with me was not going to be easy. I made up in my mind that I was gonna send his ass through hurdles before he finally got a piece of this boy-band-ass again. And trust me, he was certainly fighting for it.

  I was in the Saks Fifth Outlet in Arundel Mills mall trying out a cute pair of black pants. Keith was taking me out and I wanted to make sure I dried his pockets up starting with a shopping spree. Everything was going okay until I tried to ease into the size ten pair of pants I was trying on. With one leg in, and the other out, I leaned up against the mirror to slide my right leg into the other side. Then I stood on two feet and became frustrated because the pants wouldn’t come past my knees.

  “Excuse me, miss,” I said calling out to the lady who was helping me at the store. I waited impatiently for her to respond.

  “Yes?” she called out nicely. “You need anything, sir?”

  “I thought I asked you for a size ten? These don’t fit so they clearly are not what I asked you for.”

  “Sir…I did get the size ten like you asked. Did you want to try a few sizes up?”

  “Did I ask you to give me a pair a few sizes up?” I said sarcastically placing my hands on my hips.

  Silence.

  “No sir.” Her attitude was nonchalant. “Did you want me to give you another pair?”

  “Yes! And hurry up!”

  “Are you okay, baby? Do you want me to find another size?” Keith asked in the background.

  “The only thing I want you to do is get your wallet ready.”

  I waited for five minutes and she still hadn’t brought them to me. This bitch was bout to make me go off. I know damn well these ain’t no size ten and I don’t care what she says. And to prove it, I decided to take them off to check the tag. Damn. They are a size 10. I wasn’t trippin’ though cause as far as I was concerned, someone had tagged them incorrectly. I always wore a size ten and I knew my body. Maybe I didn’t hold my stomach tight enough.

  I tried to wiggle into them again. But when I did, the entire pants burst open on the sides. My legs looked like a scene from Incredible Hulk in the pants.

  “Here you go, sir.”I took off the torn pants and accepted the new pair.

  “Thanks, honey. You can take these back. They didn’t fit because ya’ll had em tagged wrong.” I handed her the defective merchandise over the dressing room door.

  “Sir, you’ll have to pay for these,” she told me taking the torn material from me.

  “I’m not paying for ya’lls error. Had they been tagged correctly it would not have happened. I know what size I wear, sweetheart.”

  After taking the other pants from her I tried them on and the same thing happen. They tore once they got around my thighs. Fuck it! I’ll go somewhere else since it’s obvious they use cheap ass material here. It’s a waste of my time. After I got dressed I grabbed my purse and rolled my eyes at the clerk when I walked past her.

  “Your cheap material is hanging on the back of the door.”

  “Bitch!” she said under her breath as I walked past her.

  “Your wretched ass mother,” I told her back as I looked back. They needed to learn how to treat paying customers around here and I didn’t have t
he time to teach ‘em. I strutted past her and toward the door. I could see her in my peripheral vision having a hissy fit. She could waste her time, but not mine.

  “You okay, honey?” Keith asked me holding my bags as we left the store. I had put a dent in the mall already and figured it was time for us to leave anyway.

  “I’m fine.” I told him still trying to get Miss Daffany out of my mind. For some reason, today I thought about her even more and I was sure I was lashing out on everyone. “Just a little hungry that’s all.”

  Right when I said that, my cell phone rang. I didn’t recognize the number but had a feeling it was somebody wanting a purse. I had just got my hands on Gucci’s spring collection and knew they’d be eatin’ them up the moment the word got out. Everybody knew I had the best prices in town.

  “Sing to me,” I told the caller as I switched my way down the mall.

  “Miss Wayne,” a voice called out lightly. My heart dropped along with my purse. I knew it was Miss Daffany.

  “Miss Daffany…is that you?” I picked my purse up off the floor.

  “I n…need your…help,” she stuttered. “I’m hurt real bad.”

  “Baby, don’t get involved in that shit,” Keith whispered. “She got to find her way on her own.”

  “Miss Daffany…I…I don’t know,” I looked at him. “You really hurt my feelings the way you left last time. And I don’t know if I could put myself through that again. I’m sorry.”

  “Miss Wayne, please.” She sobbed. “I need you. I’m ready to change. I’m ready to start over. I’m scared for me and my baby.”

  I looked at Keith and than away from him. There was no way I could allow her to be out there alone even if that meant me being alone.

  “But you stole from me, Daffany. You took from me what I would’ve gladly given if you would’ve just asked.”

  “Steal from you?” she repeated. “On my life I never too anything from you!”

  “She’s lying,” he interjected. “Now don’t get caught up in her shit no more. She’s using you and this shit is not going to stop. Now what do you want to do?”

  “Miss Wayne, I don’t know what he told you, but it’s all a lie. I need you now more than anything that I would never take from you.” She paused. “Now today I killed somebody.”

  “What?!” I screamed startling a few passing people.

  “Yes. With a letter opener. He tried to kill me and I’m ready to change now. I’ve learned my lesson, Miss Wayne.”

  Chills ran through my body after her hearing her statement.

  “Just tell me where you are and I’m on my way.”

  After I got the information from her, I placed my phone in my purse and looked at Keith. I knew he would be angry but what did he want me to do? Abandon my family? Plus she commited the ultimate crime to save herself. She needed me now more than ever.

  “If you go get her, it’s over between you and I. I’m serious this time. No more running back to me.”

  I burst into laughter right in his face.

  “Nigga it’s been over between you and I. And if you ever cared about me, you would’ve never asked me to choose between you and my friends. Have a nice life,” I continued walking away. “And thanks for the shopping spree.”

  It hurt leaving him. But niggas came a dime a dozen while true friends came once in a lifetime.

  Parade

  I told myself I was stopping by to see Jay but I knew I wasn’t. I was really coming by to visit my mother. I hadn’t laid eyes on her since I left and since they lived in the same complex, something in me told me to try. In the past I’d ask Miss Wayne if he’d seen her, but he was too busy chasing behind Daffany when he was around the way to notice.

  As I walked through my old hallway, the familiar feeling of despair, hurt and pain overwhelmed me. When I lived here I was nothing but black and ugly Parade Knight. I wasn’t a girl that people liked. Nobody really fucked with me outside of my friends. And I wasn’t entirely sure that things had changed.

  Once at my mother’s place, I could feel my heart pounding. Preparing to knock, I stopped moments before my knuckles and the door made contact. What am I doing here? My mother hates me and my father could care less if I’m dead or alive. Turning to walk away, I decided to go home and face life with my crazed fiancé, while I waited on the love of my life to call. And then he walked out.

  “Parade?” my father’s voice trailed behind me. I stopped in my steps taking in his deep voice. Slowly I turned around to face him. Although the salt outweighed the pepper color in his hair now, he was still handsome. And his Nestle chocolate colored beautiful. I always thought our complexion look better on him than it ever did on me. The only thing that was different was his eyes. They looked heavy, like he hadn’t been getting much sleep. I knew he was on his way to work because he wore the same blue uniform he always did, and carried a brown paper bag filled with his lunch.

  “Hey, daddy,” I said walking up to him. “How have you been?”

  My tone was even because I didn’t know what to expect. My father worked eighteen hour days and was hardly ever home when I lived here. And when he was home, he was sleep. That’s why we never had the relationship a daughter and father should have. The only memories I had of my father were of his smelly work boots, the sweat of his uniform and the fact that he loved my fried chicken. He wasn’t there to witness the verbal abuse my mother placed on me. And when he was, he appeared to ignore it.

  “Parade…where have you been?” he said in a concerned tone. His voice quivered as I watched his lunch bag fall to the filthy hallway floor. “I have been so worried about you. It’s been over a year.”

  Without waiting, he grabbed my body and held me closely. I wept in his arms. In all of my years, my father never held me. He never seemed to care. And now, here he was embracing me strongly. I didn’t mind the sweaty smell of his construction uniform. His 6’4 inch frame covered and soothed me like one of Miss Wayne’s warm blankets. For the first time I felt at home in his arms.

  “Daddy, how have you been?” I said wiping my tears and reluctantly pulling away from him. “You look so good,” I continued picking his lunch up off the ground, handing it to him.

  “I been fine, sweetheart.” He appeared shocked to see me. “Why haven’t you called? It’s been so long. And whenever I’d ask the Wayne boy, or Daffany about you, they’d say you were fine.”

  “I am, Daddy.” I gave him a light smile. “Just needed to get away that’s all.”

  “I understand. I guess…but I’ve ben so worried.” A loud horn sounded outside and he glanced at his watch. “Well, honey, I have to go to work now. But I want you to come around more often. Please…I really miss you.”

  I hugged him again and said, “I will, Daddy.”

  Taking one last look at me, he rushed down the stairs where his friend for years was waiting for him in a blue construction van.

  “And, Parade,” he said before exiting the door. “Speak to your mother. She might not say it, but she’s been worried about you too.” With that he was gone.

  With the door still cracked, I walked into the apartment I’d lived in for years when I was a child. Nothing had changed much. She still had the same drab cream furniture in the living room, and African art decorations on the wall. Africa was showcased everywhere yet I found no sense of pride for myself. She was in the kitchen washing the dishes when I walked up behind her.

  “Mama.”

  She stopped what she was doing, and slowly turned around. When her eyes met mine, she smiled. It was the first time my mother looked at me like she was happy to see my face. And then like a light switch had been flicked off, her entire mood changed.

  “What are you doing here?” she asked washing the dishes again, her back faced me.

  “I came to check on you, mama,” I said slowly walking into the kitchen keeping my distance from her.

  She’d lost so much weight and appeared frail. I remember when I lived here she appeared larger than
life despite her short stature. I know now it was just her demeaning presence.

  “I don’t know why you’re here to check on me. I’m not a drug dealer and I don’t associate with them. So you can just turn your black ass around and go to wherever you came from,” she continued as she rinsed a few forks and spoons and placed them on the dish rack.

  “Mama…,” I said swallowing my saliva already feeling the tears filling up within the wells of my eyes. “How…I mean…how come you don’t love me? What can I do to make you love me? I’ll be getting married soon, and I wanted you to be there. I want you to be a part of my life.”

  “Married?” she laughed. “Nobody in their right mind would marry you, Parade. What are you talking about?”

  That hurt. In fact, it crushed me. I knew it would be a long time before I could get over those words. What’s worse was that she was possibly right. Smokes had no intentions on marrying me. Her words were knives. It wasn’t until recently that I started to disbelieve some of the things she said to me when I was younger. And I knew it would take me many more years to get over these words now. Still, I couldn’t leave, not without knowing why she hates me. Her only daughter. Her only child.

  “Mama…is it my fault you don’t love me? Was I not a good daughter? If I wasn’t I’m sorry mama. I always loved you. I still love you now.” She ignored me, and that hurt far more than anything she could’ve said.

  “Mama…please talk to me! Be decent to me for once in your life. I love you mama!” I sobbed. “Talk to me please!”

  Still nothing. My head dropped. I was done. She made it clear that she didn’t love me. Ever. There was nothing more I could do. I would have to live my life, without a mother. Without the one woman I should be able to count on. I took one last look at the back of my mother’s body. It would be the last memory I had of her. The last memory I would have of a life full of hatred.