Black and Ugly as Ever (The Cartel Publications Presents)

by Styles, T.

  I walked toward the door with my head down, and then I heard, “Parade.”

  My entire body trembled. She didn’t call me a black bitch or a whore this time. She called me by my birth name. Yet I was so frightened of rejection that I couldn’t face her.

  “Yes, mama,” I said looking at the front door. I was sure her back was still faced me too.

  “It…It’s not your fault,” she stuttered as I heard the dishes clinging. “It’s mine. Just give me some time to clear things out in my head. Okay?”

  “Y…yes, mama!” I cried heavily. “Thank you sooo much, mama!”

  Her words lifted years of pain off of my heart. And I ran out the door before she’d have a chance to change her mind. My mother didn’t know it, but with the small ounce of hope she gave me, she also gave me back part of my life.

  “What exactly do I have to do, Smokes?” I asked him as we sat side by side on the couch. “And why is she here?” I asked pointing at Sweets.

  “I’m here because I’m a friend, Parade.” She sounded sincere. “Stop thinkin’ I’m out to get you cause I’m not. Trust me, I’m more on your side than you think.”

  She’d said that before many times and I never knew what that meant. I looked at Smokes and for a second, my mind went back to the conversation I had with Jay. He pleaded with me to be two steps ahead at all times. I mean, why would Smokes have me do anything illegal if he truly loved me?

  “Smokes…can I talk to you alone?”

  He looked at Sweets before he looked at me and I became enraged. Who was she and what was this hold she had over him? I was supposed to be his so-called fiancé. And trust…now that I had Jay, all I really wanted was out, but he wouldn’t let me. So I decided to test what was really going on.

  “Parade, I’m not the enemy,” Sweets continued.

  “Baby,” I said rubbing his knee. “Please, just five minutes…alone.” He looked at her, shook his head and she left the room. When the bitch was gone, I addressed him. “Listen…I’ve been thinking, I want to be with you. And I’m ready to be with you forever. I know we’ve gone through a lot over the past few days and I’m sorry. I don’t want anybody but you, not even Jay. I’m also ready to be down for you and do anything you need from me.”

  “I know, Parade. But what’s really up?”

  “When are we getting married?” I asked him softly. “I’m ready to be your wife…now.” He turned away from me, cleared his throat and looked back at me. It was the first time I noticed his apprehension.

  “Soon…let’s just get past this thing we gotta take care of first. We need money for a wedding and right now the funds are low.”

  “Baby, I want to marry you in a few weeks. I don’t need a big wedding anymore. All that’s important to me is you. Just me…you and a couple of our close friends at the Justice of the Peace will do me just fine. Will you marry me, baby?” I hoped he wouldn’t say yes and it would backfire on me.

  “I will, but not now, Parade. Soon though. Okay?” he said pushing me off.

  “Okay.” Jay was definitely right.

  After our short convo he didn’t call Sweets back and told me what he wanted. What he wanted me to do was crazy and dangerous. I was supposed to board a plane to the Dominican Republic with over $100,000 strapped to my body. Once there someone was going to meet me to collect the funds. Once the funds were received they would arrange for the dope to be in the states within 48 hours. He promised me that I’d never have to touch any drugs but I didn’t believe him. All I knew was that there was no way I’d be able to go through with it. I hadn’t realized things could get so involved. I didn’t see a positive outcome in sight, and although I listened, I had one thing on my mind, getting myself out of this scenario and ridding myself of Smokes once and for all

  .

  Daffany

  Finally I had some moments alone and trust me it was hard. Miss Wayne wouldn’t leave my side for three days straight! And although I managed to stretch out the last bit of heroin I stuck in my pussy, it wasn’t easy. Now I was out. Although I got high only four hours ago, my body craved it. And the way my baby moved I knew it craved it too. But I told myself, once it was gone, I wasn’t smoking anymore. I didn’t want to go through anything near what I went through when that man violently raped and tortured me for eight hours while his wife was at work. Taking a bag of my dirty clothes down to the Laundromat, I decided to wash on my own. Just to get out of the house and breathe some fresh air. It was the first time I left the apartment since I got here and I needed a break. My baby moved some more and I rubbed my tummy and smiled. I really do want to be a better mother, and this time, I really am going to try.

  When I walked down the stairs, and toward the Laundromat, I felt off balance. A part of me wanted to run out into the streets to get high again. While the other part of me wanted to conquer my fear, and push forward. Getting high was always in the back of my mind and this time was no different.

  I had just emptied my dark clothes in the washer when he walked in. I had heard Keith calling the house day in and day out trying to beg Miss Wayne to get rid of me but Miss Wayne hung up every time.

  “What do you want?” I asked as he walked fully in the Laundromat wearing his cop’s uniform. “Miss Wayne ain’t here.” I brushed past him, placed the laundry basket on the floor, opened the next washer and threw my whites inside. Then I poured in some liquid Gain detergent afterwards placing two dollar’s worth of quarters into the machine. He stayed there watching the entire thing like it was a movie.

  “I know he’s not here…I finally was able to get him on the phone,” he said hopping on the dryer like a bitch eyeballing me. “So I came to see you instead. You don’t mind me seeing you do you? After everything we’ve been through.”

  “What do you want, Keith?” I grabbed my basket and placing the detergent inside. “I don’t want any trouble.”

  “You don’t want any trouble?” he mocked. “You ain’t nothin’ but trouble. But today I’m gonna be easy. You won. You got what you wanted. Me out the picture for good.”

  “I didn’t want you out of the picture. I just wanted you to leave me alone.” I told him wondering if now would be a good time to exit.

  “Well let’s put all of that behind us. I’m just here to make sure you’re cool with your recovery.”

  “I am,” I lied. “Don’t worry about me.” I held my belly with one hand, and held onto the laundry basket with the other. Rubbing my stomach I was preparing to leave when he called me.

  “Daffany, I got something for you,” he told me coolly. “Something I know you really want.”

  I turned around and saw a bag filled with heroin and a pipe. Instantly I felt all types of tingles running through me. I dropped the basket and was pulled to him like a magnet. The thick green liquid from the Gain bottle poured ino the basket and onto the floor. But I couldn’t stop until I was directly in front of him. Sweat dressed my forehead and my mouth salivated.

  “Look at you…you ain’t nothin’ but a junky, bitch!” I stood in front of him feenin’. All I could think about was injecting the powerful drug. I wasn’t concerned with what he said to me or what he did.

  “P…please…I…I want it sooo bad,” I begged him. I had been craving all day but my body went into full ache mode now. “Please give it to me.” I whined as I reached for it.

  He hit my hand and said, “What are you willing to do for it?”

  “Anything…I’m willing to do anything,” I rubbed my hand over my anxious body.

  He hopped off the machine, placed a spoon, a lighter, the syringe and a shoestring on the dryer and stared at me with lustful eyes.

  “Anything huh?” he repeated. “I wonder what that really means.”

  I didn’t look at him. My eyes remained fixated on my addiction. I wanted it. I needed it. So badly my pussy tingled. He pushed me further toward the dryer and it took me a second to realize he was tugging at my pants. Pressing my stomach against the dryer he ripped off my
panties and entered my body…raw. While he pushed in and out of me, I grabbed everything and shot up. The sexual feeling mixed with the high lifted me to a higher place. Why did I ever think I could change? Once a junky always a junky and tonight, I just wanted to get high.

  Miss Wayne found me passed out. When I came to, he was rocking me in his arms on the couch. The look on his face terrified me and I knew it was all my fault. I can’t remember how I got from the Laundromat here, all I remember was that it happened. I had violated my friendship by having sex with his boyfriend and in my stupor, I recalled telling Miss Wayne about it. I guess it was important to me not to infect him. But right now, all I wanted was outta here.

  “Are you okay, baby?” he asked me wiping his tears. I nodded yes although I wasn’t. I just wanted to get out and run away from the shame I felt inside.

  “Everything is going to be okay, Miss Daffany,” he promised me. “But you have to be strong. You can’t keep runnin’ out there in them streets and gettin’ high. You gonna kill yourself and your baby. When I found you downstairs in the laundry room I almost died thinking you were dead. You’re not healthy, Miss Daffany. We got to get you healthy, honey.”

  I nodded in understanding. But for some reason, all I could think about was leaving, finding Carmen, along with my next high. I liked who I was high. I didn’t worry about things or cared about people. Seeing how he felt hurt. Badly, and it didn’t feel good.

  “I have to leave…I’m sorry,” I told him trying to rise to my feet from the sofa. “Please.”

  “Miss Daffany, I can’t let you go. We have to work this out. Everything will be alright…you’ll see. You just need to know you have people out here who care about you.”

  “What people? The only one who gives a fuck about me is you, Miss Wayne.” I sat up straight. “Parade, doesn’t care no more and I can’t say I blame her.”

  “That’s not true. Miss Parade, loves you it just hard for her to see you like this. But isn’t my love enough?”

  Silence.

  “Let me help you, Miss Daffany. You’ve been out there fucking around too long. Look at you.”

  Right before I could respond someone knocked at the door. “Stay right there, honey.” He rose up. “Let me get rid of whoever this is.” When he opened the door Keith was behind it. Miss Wayne cocked back and hit him so hard in the face, he hit the floor. “That’s the first blow you’ll get,” he stooped down and waved his finger in his face. “The next blow will happen once you visit the doctors and find out you have HIV!”

  Without waiting for his answer he slammed the door shut. Keith yelled out in pain because his foot was in the way and Miss Wayne kicked it out of the door’s path and slammed it again.

  “I’m gonna kick your ass you fuckin’, slut!” Keith yelled from the hallway.

  “Go fuck your mamma!” Miss Wayne responded.

  When he was done he walked back toward the kitchen. While thoughts of what I was going to do once I got free ran through my mind, Miss Wayne got on the phone. He walked away and I couldn’t hear what he was saying. But I could tell he was deep in conversation. Who was he calling?

  Miss Wayne

  “Miss Parade, I need you to come over here,” I said in a low voice as I watched Miss Daffany watch me from the sofa. I turned my back so she couldn’t hear what I was saying.

  “You call me out of the blue and I don’t hear from you in weeks and now you want me to come over?” she said sarcastically. “Well forget about it.”

  “Miss Parade…have I always been there for you? When you needed me?” Her silence told me everything I already knew. “Well I need you now. Can you be decent enough to come over here? Please. I need your help and I’m not askin’ twice.”

  She paused for a long moment and said, “I’m on my way.”

  I hung up the phone and exhaled. Thank God, because what I needed now was a miracle. I was about to do something that could cause Miss Daffany a lot of pain, but I didn’t see any another way. I was not going to lose her to the drug that already claimed so much of her life already. And if I wasn’t careful, and caught it now, it would claim the baby’s life too. With Miss Parade on the way, I was about to commit the ultimate. Kidnapping.

  Miss Parade came about a hour later and I knew she took her time on purpose. But I didn’t care, at least she was here.

  “What do you want,” she told me after walking in. “I got somewhere to go later so I can’t stay long.”

  “Thanks for coming, Miss Parade,” I said slowly trying to avoid an argument. “But I’m gonna need your help a little longer. So you’ll have to cancel your plans.”

  “Well,” she said shrugging her shoulders. “Are you gonna tell me what’s this about or what? Since you’re asking me to stop everything for you when you stop nothing for me.”

  “Come with me,” I said pulling her by the hand. Her shoes made a squeaking sound as they scratched the floor.

  “Stop rushing me! I’m coming…damn!”

  When we opened the door to my bedroom, Miss Daffany’s arms and legs were tied to the ends of my bed as she kicked wildly. I know this was a little extreme, but everything else I did wasn’t working. I had to go all the way if I wanted to save her and the baby’s life.

  “What the fuck is going on?” she asked screaming at me while looking at Miss Daffany. I walked over to the bed, sat down and tried to talk over Miss Daffany who was yelling and going wild.

  “Miss Wayne, let me go! Why are you doing this to me? You’re hurting me!” Miss Daffany cried out. My heart pang to hear her like that.

  “We are family,” I said to Miss Parade as I dipped a rag in a bucket of cool water I had next to the bed to wipe away Miss Daffany’s sweat and tears. It looked like a scene from the movie Exorcist. “I need you to help me detox Miss Daffany. I’m tired of her going through this. Today I found her passed out in the laundry room. And she had sex with Keith. I don’t know any other way to help her, Miss Parade. If I did I would take it.”

  “Why not just send her to the hospital? They can do a better job of detoxing her than you can. Plus she’s pregnant and you don’t know what type of damage you’ll do. Not to mention she has AID’s! Come on, Miss Wayne, be smart about this shit! This ain’t nothin’ like them shows you seen on TV. This shit is real and you could kill her.”

  “Let me go! I’m gonna stop messing with drugs! I promise!” Miss Daffany cried in the background. “Parade, tell him to let me go!”

  “Miss Parade, if I let her go, that red bitch Carmen will get her hands on her again. And I can’t have that. I have to save her life. And I’m asking you, my oldest friend, to help me.” I didn’t realize I was crying nor was I trying too in order to gain sympathy. Everything I was saying was coming from the heart. We were family but lately we were acting like enemies. Miss Parade took one look at me, then at Miss Daffany and said, “This ain’t my problem. I got problems of my own. I’m sorry.”

  She walked toward my bedroom door, without looking back and walked out of it. My head dropped and my spirit was crushed. I sobbed heavily over Miss Daffany’s pleas for me to let her go. How was I going to take care of her on my own? She needed love and I needed help. With nothing else to do, I decided to talk to God.

  Trying to block out Miss Daffany’s cries I said, “Father…I know You don’t recognize me. I’m a gay man whose been living a not so legal lifestyle. I cheat, steal and do what I can for myself. I’m sure there are probably people who deserve Your attention way more than I do. But I’d give my life to save Miss Daffany and her baby. She has never had a break…ever. I’m asking for Your help, Father God. I don’t know what else to do. I’m lost and don’t know where else to turn. If this is not Your will, I’ll give up on it all. I just need a sign. Please. Amen.”

  Five seconds later Miss Parade came back in, threw her purse on the floor and sat on the other side of the bed. Looking at me she wiped her tears and held Miss Daffany’s hand who surprisingly enough, stopped fighting.

&
nbsp; “You’re an, ass!” she told me. “But I am too, and I can’t leave you two alone. If you’re going to jail I’m going with you. I’m probably gonna die tomorrow anyway.” I wondered what die tomorrow meant but thought it was her inner diva coming out and crying for attention again. “We’re family. I love you.”

  “I love you too,” I winked happy God had answered my prayers so quickly. “Are you ready?”

  “Yeah…I am.” She sighed. “Let’s get started.”

  Parade

  It had been a week since I called home. I’d been at Miss Wayne’s the entire time. My phone rang off the hook with Smokes and Jay trying to find me. Eventually I just let their calls drain my battery until it cut off altogether.

  Detoxing Daffany was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. Daffany went through every kind of body pang imaginable. The first 6 hours she began to sweat profusely and we had to untie her arms because she was in so much discomfort. After 24 hours, she cried constantly while holding her stomach in pain. I was worried that she’d lose the baby and begged Miss Wayne to let me take her to the hospital but he stood strong. So I waited and watched her go from sweating claiming to be hot to wrapping her body up due to feeling so cold. We forced small pieces of fruit down her throat for the baby’s sake. Some she kept down most she didn’t.

  Miss Wayne told me things would be okay and we took shifts spending time with her. After a few days, the pain didn’t seem as bad but she started complaining that her vagina was extra sensitive and that her legs cramped. Then right before our eyes she went back to the shivers and complaining of being cold. I hated seeing her like that, but the fact that she would be well after everything was said and done pushed me forward.

  And now, finally, she was out of the bedroom and eating cereal at the kitchen table. We had plans to take her to the doctor’s later to check on her health. And we still weren’t going to leave her side. One of us had pledged to be with her at all times.