Still Love You

by Allie Everhart

  "Yeah, yeah. Four pickle slices and a very thin slice of tomato." He waves his order pad at us. "Where have you two been? Haven't seen you in years."

  I can't believe he remembers us, and remembers Willow's hamburger order. That's one damn good memory.

  "I was away at college," Willow says. She points to me. "And he was volunteering overseas."

  He punches our order into his ancient cash register. "You married yet? Got any kids?"

  I smile at Willow and yank her into my side. "Not married, but we just got engaged. Kids are a couple years off, but Willow wants at least three, don't you, honey?" I lean down and kiss her forehead.

  She nudges my side and whispers, "Stop it."

  Ruth appears beside Larry. "Those will be some good looking kids." Ruth is Larry's wife. She's not as grouchy as Larry. She's heavy-set with gray hair that's styled like a beehive on her head. "So when's the wedding?"

  "Next May," I say. "It's going to be an outdoor wedding. I'm growing the flowers for her bouquet."

  Ruth smiles. "Oh, how nice." She winks at Willow. "He's very romantic. You're lucky." She hitches her thumb toward Larry. "That one's idea of romantic is going a night without belching."

  "It's $8.76." Larry holds his chubby hand out the window.

  "We also want a chocolate milkshake."

  "With three cherries on top and a spoon?"

  "Yeah." I smile. "How do you remember all that?"

  He shrugs. "It's some kind of disorder. I remember weird shit."

  "Larry." Ruth pokes his belly. "Don't swear in front of the customers."

  "Dammit, Ruth, you made me screw up," he says, pointing to the register.

  She sighs and says to me, "Just go with the $8.76. The milkshake is on us. An engagement gift."

  Larry huffs. "You can't be giving stuff away like that!"

  "Get back to the kitchen." She shoos him away.

  He walks off, shaking his hand.

  "Thanks." I hand her a ten.

  "This is why I don't let him run the register. He has no people skills." She hands me the change. "It'll be ready shortly."

  Willow finds us a table and as soon as we sit down, she says, "So do you want to explain your little performance back there?"

  "What's there to explain?" I set some napkins in front of her.

  "That was embarrassing." She says it like she's mad, but I can see a hint of a smile. "Now they think we're engaged."

  "So? Why do you care? It's just Ruth and Larry."

  She glances back at the window. "I wonder how long they'll keep this place."

  "Probably as long as possible. I can't see them retiring. They'd kill each other if they were home all day together."

  She takes a napkin and folds it in half, then does the same to the next one. She likes her napkins folded. "It's funny how you go away for a while and come back and some things are the same and some things totally change."

  "Is that a bad thing? That some things are the same?"

  "No." She keeps her eyes on the napkin, running her finger over the fold.

  There's something she's not saying but wants to. Before I can ask, Ruth appears, holding a tray.

  She sets our sodas down. "Your burgers will be right out." She puts the milkshake between us, assuming we're sharing, and points to Willow's hand. "Where's your ring?"

  "Um, I—"

  "She left it at home because we were at the beach earlier," I say. "It's a one-of-a-kind ring so she didn't want to risk losing it in the water." I smile at Willow. "Although if she did, I'd just make her another one."

  Ruth gasps. "You made her engagement ring?"

  "I did." I keep my eyes on Willow. "I designed it and used a stone Willow found in the sand."

  "That's so romantic." Ruth fans herself like she's going to pass out.

  "Ruth!" Larry yells from the window. "Order's ready!"

  She rolls her eyes. "I guarantee he'll never make me a ring. The only thing Larry's ever made me is a burger." She gets our food and brings it to the table. "If you need anything else, just let me know."

  When she's gone, I ask Willow, "So what did you mean when you were talking about some things always being the same?"

  "It's just...I don't know." She swirls her straw in her soda. "I liked growing up here, but as I got older I couldn't wait to go away. I wanted something new, something different. I wanted change. And I had it when I went to Camsburg. That was my first step in my new life."

  I wait for her to finish because I can tell she's working this through in her head as she talks.

  "But then when your old life completely changes, or is about to completely change, you desperately want it back. Or at least the things you're familiar with. The things that haven't changed. Like this restaurant." She picks up the milkshake and takes a sip. "See? It tastes the same as always." She slides it over to me. "Thanks for taking me here. I needed this."

  "Maybe we'll come back tomorrow," I say casually.

  She doesn't agree to it, but just eats her burger. I take a sip of the milkshake, but let her have the rest. She needs it more than I do. She can't handle uncertainty and that's all she has right now. I hadn't even considered coming to this restaurant would make her feel better, but once she explained it, it made total sense. So when we're done eating, I take her to another place that hasn't changed. A place we used to go.

  "Are you going to our make-out spot?" she asks.

  "It's just a field."

  "That we made out at, like a million times."

  I park the truck in our spot. "It wasn't a million. Maybe a hundred."

  We're at an open field close to her old high school. As she said, we used to come here late at night and make out. We always parked next to a tree, thinking it would somehow hide us from the cops if they happened to be driving by, but they never did.

  "Silas, we need to talk."

  I undo my seatbelt and turn toward her. "Go ahead."

  She undoes her seatbelt as well, and faces me. "First, I want to say that I really appreciate everything you've done. Working for my dad. For free. I can't believe you're doing that. And that you dropped two classes so that you could. You shouldn't have done that."

  "To me, it was the right decision. School can wait. Saving the farm can't."

  "This is what I mean. The way you're able to just drop everything and change your plans without worrying about it? I admire that about you. I always have. But it just shows how different we are."

  "Willow, we don't have to be the same people in order to have a relationship. We can still make this work."

  "Let me finish." She looks down at her hands. "I'm angry at you for not telling me what was going on. I understand you only did it because my parents told you to, but by doing that, I feel like you took their side instead of mine. Like you betrayed our friendship. You've never kept secrets from me before."

  "Willow, I begged your dad to tell you, and he said he would, but he kept putting it off. He didn't want you to worry. He thought if he gave it more time, he might be able to turn things around and not have to tell you."

  "They're too far in debt to turn things around, unless they use my college money. And it sounds like they've finally agreed to do that."

  So she's not going back to Camsburg in the fall. Shit. She loved that school. I had a feeling she wouldn't be going back but was hoping it wouldn't come to that. Even though I love the idea of having her here in town, I want her to be happy, and she was happy at Camsburg.

  "I'm sorry, Willow." I reach over and slip my hand around hers.

  She's quiet and I'm not sure what to say, so I say nothing.

  The silence continues and then she lifts her head. "What do you think I should do?"

  I'm surprised she's asking me that. Willow prides herself on being independent and making her own decisions. But now she's asking me for advice, not as her boyfriend but as her friend. I've given this some thought, so since she asked, I'll give her an answer.

  "I think you should take ne
xt semester off, do what you can to help your parents save the business, then go back to school in the spring and summer to catch up."

  "Where would I go to school?"

  "UC-Berkeley. I know you wanted to get away from here but Berkeley's a really good school and I did some research and they have a great business program. And Martin could help you with the application process. He's friends with people in admissions. Plus going to Berkeley would be cheaper because you could live at home. Or with me." I threw that last part in just to see how she'd react. It's no secret I want to be with her so I might as well put it out there.

  "You're moving out of your parents' house?"

  "I need to save up some money, but yeah, that's the plan. Actually, Trent's uncle isn't coming back after the summer like he'd plan to, so he's looking for someone to housesit. Trent asked if I wanted to live there after he goes back to college in the fall."

  "You should do it. That's a really nice house."

  "We'll see. Trent and I aren't exactly on speaking terms right now."

  "Because of me," she says. "So you know he came to my house."

  "Yeah. He shouldn't have done it."

  "He was just being your friend. He doesn't want you to get hurt again." She pauses. "Neither do I. Which is why we can't continue this, Silas. I can't keep doing this, knowing it's just going to end."

  My temper flares, angry that she's making this decision now, when she's not thinking straight. She's panicking, and right now, this is the only decision that makes sense to her. It's just like when she broke up with me last time. She made the decision based on fear. Fear that she wouldn't accomplish her goals if I was in her life. Now it's her fear of the unknown causing her to push me away. She's uncertain about the future and doesn't want to keep dating me if there's a possibility she might break up with me later when she figures out what to do.

  When she gets like this I can't convince her to change her mind. She has to do that on her own. So I'm not going to fight her on this. Instead, I'm going to spend my time being her friend, reminding her how good we are together. Showing her that no matter how much she fights it, she'll still love me, and I'll love her. She'll try to keep her distance from me, but that'll be hard to do given that I live down the street from her and work for her dad.

  "Okay." I let go of her hand. "Anything else?"

  She looks confused. "Don't you want to talk about this?"

  "What's there to talk about? You broke up with me. I got it. But we're still going to be friends."

  "I don't know if that's a good—"

  "You need a friend right now. And since you don't seem to have any others, I'm it."

  "I have friends," she insists.

  "You haven't spoken to your high school friends in over a year, so I'm guessing they're probably not your friends anymore."

  She doesn't respond, which means it's true. Her friends in high school weren't close friends, so I'm not surprised she didn't stay in touch with anyone.

  I lean back in my seat, facing forward and lacing my hands behind my head. "So what else do you want to talk about?"

  "It's late. We should go."

  "I'm not ready to go." I reach behind the seat and grab the sleeping bags and blankets. "Come on."

  I open my door and step out.

  "Silas, no. It's cold out. We're not going back there."

  "I am. If you don't want to come with me, then I guess you'll just have to wait here until I'm ready to go." I close the door and go to the back of the truck and lay out the sleeping bags and blankets.

  "Silas, this isn't funny!" I hear her voice, then see her climbing up into the truck bed. "We're broken up. We're not doing this."

  "Not doing what?" I lie down, gazing up at the sky.

  She sits beside me. "You know what I'm talking about."

  "Hot, uncontrolled, mind-blowing sex that makes you scream my name?" I smile. "Yeah, we're not doing that. Sorry, but if you want that, we have to be dating. I'm not some manwhore like Trent. I do have standards."

  She laughs and punches me. "You're such a liar. If I asked, you'd do it right this second."

  I turn my head to look at her. "Go ahead and ask."

  She laughs again. "Okay, but this is just a test. If you say yes, we're not really going to do it."

  "I'm waiting."

  She leans down and says in a sexy voice, "Silas, would you have sex with me?"

  "No," I say, gazing up at the sky.

  She thinks I'm kidding so she says, "Please. Just one more time?"

  "Nope." I yawn. "I'm gonna take a short nap. This fresh air is making me tired. Wake me up in an hour."

  I close my eyes but feel her staring at me. She's not used to me turning her down. It's never happened. And even though I told her we weren't doing it, she's still surprised I didn't at least try to take her up on her fake offer. She'll take that as a challenge.

  I smile when I feel her lips on mine. I know her so well. She hates being wrong. She was so sure I'd give in to her, but I didn't and it's driving her crazy.

  "Willow."

  "What?" she says, kissing me.

  "What are you doing?" I open my eyes and see her face above mine. "No kissing. We're friends. Friends don't kiss."

  "I know." She backs away. "I was just testing you."

  "Did I pass the test?"

  "Yes." She sits next to me, hugging her knees.

  "Are you cold?"

  "A little."

  "Come here." I hold the blanket up.

  She hesitates. "We shouldn't do that."

  "Why not? I just told you we're not having sex."

  "But I just broke up with you. Aren't you mad at me?"

  "Doesn't matter. I still want you in my life. So if we're not dating, we'll just go back to being friends."

  "I don't know if I can do that. It's too hard to be around you without..."

  "Taking advantage of me?" I pull her down next to me. "I am pretty irresistible."

  She laughs. "And conceited."

  "I made you laugh so that's a reason to keep me around."

  She lays her head on my shoulder. "Silas?"

  "Yeah."

  "I feel like such a mess right now. Like I have no direction. No place to go."

  "Just take one day at a time." I rest my arm over her and we stare up at the sky.

  After a few minutes, she bolts up. "I can see it!"

  "See what?"

  "You and me. In the stars. I couldn't see it last time but now I do."

  I've been looking at it this whole time but didn't think she'd notice it. So does the fact that she sees it mean something? Now that her plan is gone, will she start to see things differently? I hope so, because that's what she needs to do in order for us to have a chance.

  She lies down again. "I wish the answers were up there in the sky. Like some kind of sign telling me what to do."

  There are signs all around her but she doesn't realize it. The star formation is a sign telling her we should be together. And maybe her parents' business problems are a sign telling her to stay here and reevaluate her life. Maybe it's a sign that she was headed down the wrong path. I don't like bad things happening to people, but I do believe things happen for a reason. Unfortunately, Willow doesn't see it that way.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  Willow

  What am I doing? I came here to break up with Silas and now I'm in his arms, lying in his truck, looking up at the stars. This is wrong. It feels right, but I don't act on feelings. I act on facts. And the facts tell me I shouldn't be with Silas.

  "We have to go." I move his arm off me and stand up.

  "Why? What's wrong?"

  "I need you to take me home." I jump over the side of the truck and get in the front seat and wait for him.

  "What just happened?" he asks as he gets in the truck.

  "I told you. I need to go home."

  "Willow." He holds onto my wrist as I click my seatbelt in place. "Tell me what's wrong."

  "I can'
t keep doing this to you."

  "Doing what? Being friends with me?"

  "This relationship. You know it's more than a friendship. We have too much history for it to be just a friendship. It's too hard to be friends with someone you...love."

  "If you love me, then don't break up with me."

  "It's not that simple."

  "It IS that simple."

  "Trent was right. If we keep this going, I'll end up hurting you again. I'm sorry, Silas, but I can't do this unless I'm committed to you. And right now, I can't commit to anything. I'm too lost. Too confused."

  "Which is why you need me now more than ever. And as for Trent, are you seriously taking dating advice from someone whose idea of dating is a string of one-night stands?"

  "I know, and I normally wouldn't listen to him, but in this case he was right. I'm not going to repeat the past."

  "Willow, look at me." When I do, he says, "I'd rather risk getting hurt than lose you completely. I'm just asking for this summer. If at the end of August, you decide you don't want this, then we'll go our separate ways. But until then, just give us a chance. I can handle whatever happens. I'm not going to fall apart if you break up with me."

  I look away from him. "I'm sorry, but I can't do it."

  He waits for a moment, then starts the truck and drives off. We ride in silence until we get to my house.

  "I don't need help getting out," I say, when I see him undoing his seatbelt.

  "I'm still walking you to the door."

  I step out of the truck and he walks with me to the house.

  "Goodnight," I say.

  He looks at me, pausing before saying, "Goodnight."

  I go inside and watch out the front window as he drives away. He didn't seem angry or even sad. I don't get it. Is he just accepting this is over? That easily? Even I can't accept it. I didn't want to let him go, but I don't have a choice. I have to get myself together and figure out what I'm going to do before I even think about letting Silas back in my life.

  The next day, I don't see or hear from Silas. I miss him so much. I tell myself that empty feeling in my heart will go away but I know it's a lie. For two years I tried to get over him, but the emptiness remained.