Still Love You

by Allie Everhart

  My phone rings and I smile when I see it's Lilly calling. "Hey, Lilly. How's your summer going?"

  "Great, although I miss Reed."

  "How long's it been since you've seen him?"

  "I was there last week, so it hasn't been that long but I still miss him. It's hard not seeing him every day."

  I'm happy for Lilly and Reed, but also jealous of their relationship. Why is it so much easier for them than for Silas and me? Am I making this too complicated? Should I just be with Silas and not worry about the future? I wish I could, but my stupid mind won't let me.

  "So how's Silas?" Lilly asks. "You guys looked so cute in that photo you sent. You make a great couple."

  My emotions hit me like a freight train and I break down crying. "I broke up with Silas last night."

  "Willow!" she says in a scolding tone. "Why did you break up with him?"

  "It's a long story. And to make matters even worse, I won't be going back to Camsburg in the fall." I sniffle and grab a tissue from my nightstand.

  "Wait, what? Hold on. Go back and start from the beginning."

  I tell her everything, from my parents' financial problems to my break-up with Silas. I'm crying so much it takes almost an hour to get it all out.

  "You're really not coming back?" she asks.

  "I can't. My parents need the money."

  "Maybe...I mean, my dad could maybe—"

  "No. I'd never ask your family for money. It wouldn't feel right and it would mess up our friendship."

  "I'm sorry, Willow. I wish I could do something to help. Maybe my dad could give your parents some business advice. Or would that offend them? I only offered because you said they're not very good with business stuff."

  "I don't know. I'd have to ask them."

  "I still don't understand why you broke up with Silas. If you're staying there in the fall, then you guys could keep dating."

  "That'll just make us closer."

  "Yeah? So what's wrong with that?"

  "I don't want to stay here forever. I may have to finish college here, but then I want to leave. Move away. Start my career. I still want to run a company someday."

  "And what does Silas want to do?"

  "He's thinking of going into graphic design, but that could change. I told you, he's a free spirit. He takes one day at a time."

  "Maybe you should do the same."

  "Lilly, you know I can't do that. I'm not like that. It's not my personality."

  "People can change. You can be however you want. The old Willow had to plan everything out, but maybe the new one doesn't. This is like a fresh start. You can do anything you want now, including being with Silas."

  I smile. "Okay, you're stressing me out with all these options."

  She laughs. "Options are good. That's why they have that saying to keep your options open."

  "Hey, are you coming up here this summer?"

  "I'm not sure. My dad might be giving a speech in San Francisco, and if he does, I told him I'm going with him. He can drop me off in Berkeley."

  "I hope you can make it. I miss seeing you."

  Lilly is my closest friend at Camsburg. She's what I'll miss most about it. She listened to me talk about Silas for most of last year. I didn't think I talked about him that much, but a few weeks ago she told me I talked about him constantly. I didn't even realize I was doing it. It just shows what a big part of my life he is, even when he's not around.

  By the end of the call I feel a little better. Even if I don't go back to Camsburg, Lilly and I agree that we'll still be friends. She's not that far away so we can still see each other and we can talk on the phone all the time.

  The next week I spend at home, working on a plan to save the farm. I start by going through my parents' bills. Ron, their hippie accountant, had already made spreadsheets and run different scenarios for paying off their debt. It's all well thought out and much better than I would've done. Now I feel bad for saying Ron was an idiot. When did I become so judgmental? People used to judge me for having hippie parents and I hated it, yet here I was, judging Ron's competence based on how he dressed.

  If my parents use my college fund, they could pay everything off right away. Or they could use just part of the money and pay off their debts in increments, using money from the farm as well. The farm has been profitable so far this year, but we need to get more income out of the land. After doing some research, I found that flowers are the way to go. Silas originally came up with that idea and it was a good one. The profit margin is much higher on flowers than on vegetables. Silas already planted some but we need to plant more.

  Next, I work on a plan for marketing. Silas finished the logo last week and it looks great. It's fresh and modern and fits our brand. We're going to start using it on signs and on the product labels for the beauty products my mom and I are developing. Based on our success at the vendor fair, we've decided to sell more soaps and lotions. And I've convinced my mom to charge more for her homemade granola. She was practically giving it away before.

  On Saturday, I go to the farmers' market with my parents. I haven't worked at our booth since last summer and I've kind of missed it. I like seeing people get so excited about our products. And now we've added our all natural beauty products, which were a huge success. We sold out in the first two hours. I couldn't believe it. Now I can't wait to go home and make more and come up with new varieties.

  This past week, I've barely slept and I'm not even tired. Working on this plan to save the farm has filled me with energy. And by developing this new line of beauty products, I feel like I'm actually making a difference. Seeing my efforts paying off is exciting and makes me happy. The only thing that would make it better would be if Silas were around.

  I haven't seen Silas since last Saturday night when we said goodbye at my door. He hasn't called or texted or stopped over. He's doing what I asked, leaving me alone to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. But God, I miss him. It gets worse every day. I've almost called him about a million times. And I keep walking by his house but won't let myself go up to the door.

  This was supposed to get easier as time went by but it's only getting harder. I've been thinking that maybe I should take him up on his offer and just date him for the summer. But if I did that, I wouldn't ever want it to end.

  Something's changed between Silas and me. We're different than we were back in high school. We've changed and grown and after two years apart, we both realized how much we missed each other. If we continue our relationship, I have a feeling it'll be for good this time. And although I like the idea of that, it also scares me because I won't accomplish my goals if I'm in a serious relationship. Like my mom said, I'd need to make sacrifices, and at the age of 19, I'm not willing to do that.

  As we're closing up the booth at the farmers' market, I see Silas at the booth across from us, helping his mom pack everything up. He's wearing a light green t-shirt and faded jeans, his skin a dark golden brown from all the hours he spends in the sun. He picks up a box, his arm muscles flexing, and it conjures up a heat inside me. He turns to me and smiles. A sly, half smile that says I've been caught. I quickly glance away.

  I hear my mom beside me. "Why don't you go say hi?"

  "To who?" I start taking the tomatoes out of their cardboard containers.

  "To Silas. You haven't seen him all week."

  "Because we're not dating." I line the tomatoes up in a neat little row on the table.

  "You could still say hello. You're clearly too preoccupied to work."

  "I'm not too—" I stop when I see that I've just unpacked the tomatoes that I was supposed to be packing up to take home.

  My mom's smiling at me. "I'll finish up here. Go ahead."

  I slowly walk over to Diane's booth and go up to Silas. "Hi."

  "Hey, Willow." He gives me a smile but continues to pack up the jewelry.

  "So, um, how have you been?" I feel nervous. Why am I nervous? It's just Silas. Yet it feels different when he's no
t my boyfriend. Maybe because I know he's single now and any girl could have him. What if he's already dating someone? Is that why he's ignoring me?

  "I'm good," he says. "And you?"

  "Fine. I've been at home all week, working on some new products and coming up with marketing ideas. That logo you did is really amazing. You captured the tone and feel of the business perfectly."

  "Thanks." He stacks one of the boxes on top of another.

  I notice Diane watching us out of the corner of her eye as she gathers her receipts, pretending to sort them.

  "So how was class today?" I ask.

  "Boring. I've decided accounting's not for me. I'm going to sign up for graphic design classes in the fall."

  "Silas, that's great!"

  "Yeah." He picks up three big boxes. "Hey, I'll see ya later. I have to take these to the truck."

  "You need some help?" I scan the booth for anything I could take, but the only items left are the table and two folding chairs.

  "I can handle it," he says.

  "I'll take these." I grab the folding chairs.

  He laughs a little. "Okay. Follow me."

  I'm making a fool out of myself, but I don't care. I miss Silas and I just want a few minutes with him. Actually, I'd like to spend the rest of the day with him but that would be leading him on.

  When we get to his truck, I hand him the chairs.

  "Thanks," he says, setting them in the truck bed. The place where we had sex. Multiple times a night. Almost every night we were back together. The best sex I've ever had.

  I'm heating up again, my heart racing being this close to him.

  "I should tie these down," he says. "Could you grab the ties in the truck? They're on the floor in the front seat."

  "Sure." I open the driver's side door and climb in the truck. As I'm picking up the ties, I notice a sweater in the back seat. A bright pink sweater. A girl's sweater.

  He found someone. Silas is dating someone. Maybe it's that hairdresser. She really wanted to go out with him. Or maybe it's someone else. Maybe someone Trent set him up with.

  My stomach clenches and my throat burns as I fight back the tears. I knew this would happen. I knew he'd find someone, but it still hurts.

  "Willow, did you find them?" he calls out.

  "Yeah." I hop out of the truck and give him the ties. "I need to go, but it was good seeing you."

  "Yeah, okay." He seems confused by my sudden departure, but I scurry off before he can ask me about it.

  "Ready to go?" my mom says when I get back to the booth. "Or is Silas taking you home?"

  "Why would Silas take me home?" I ask harshly, now angry that he's dating someone. I know he's single, but couldn't he wait a few weeks before finding a new girl?

  "I just asked, honey. I didn't mean anything by it."

  I shake Silas out of my head. "Sorry, Mom. I'm just in a bad mood today, I guess."

  "You weren't earlier. Did something happen with Silas?"

  "No." I grab a box. "I'll go take this to the car."

  As I'm walking to the vendor parking lot, I see Silas leaning against his truck, talking on the phone. He's smiling as he talks and I'm sure it's because he's talking to his new girlfriend. The box slips out of my hand and tomatoes spill out on the ground. I quickly pick them up, hoping Silas doesn't see me and see how flustered I am. He doesn't. Even when I'm walking back to the booth, he doesn't seem to notice me.

  The loss I've felt without him the past week becomes even worse now that I know he's moved on. It's what I told myself I wanted. What's best for him. But my heart refuses to accept it. Why can't my damn heart get in sync with my brain? Why are they fighting each other like this? And why does my heart keep winning the battle? Filling my thoughts with Silas? Making my chest ache from the loss of him? It's so damn frustrating, and painful, especially now that he's with someone else.

  The next week I put all my energy into making more lotions and soaps. I create some new body scrubs with sea salts and essential oils. If I wasn't so heartbroken over Silas I'd be loving every second of this. I'm having so much fun. I've never let myself be this creative before. I didn't even know I was creative until now. But I'm not skilled in art and design so I could use some help designing the labels for all these new products. That's Silas' expertise, and although he might say no, I figure I might as well ask, so on Thursday night I decide to call him.

  "Hey, Willow," he says in a casual tone, as if the past two weeks didn't even happen. As if we've been friends this whole time.

  "Hi," I say nervously. Seriously, why am I nervous? This is ridiculous. I take a calming breath.

  "Did you need something or were you just saying hi?"

  "I um...I was just wondering if you'd help me out with something. You don't have to but—"

  "Sure. What is it?"

  "I made some new body scrubs and I was wondering if you could design the labels."

  "Okay. Just email me the details and I'll get to work on it. Do you need it for Saturday?"

  "Yeah, but that's not much time so I'll just plan on using plain labels this Saturday."

  "I might be able to get it done. I can't work on it tomorrow night, but I can tonight. Send me a description of what you need and I'll see how far I can get."

  "Okay. Thanks."

  "Yeah. Talk to you later."

  He hangs up and I drop the phone on my nightstand and lie down on my bed. Why does this hurt so much? Just hearing his voice made me miss him even more.

  I was hoping we could meet to go over the labels but he wants me to email him instead. And he said he's busy tomorrow night. Friday night. Date night. He'll be out with his new girlfriend.

  I want to be mad at him about that but I can't. He tried to make it work between us and I ruined it. And now I feel like I ruined any chance of us ever getting back together.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  Silas

  It's been over two weeks since Willow and I broke up. My initial plan to get her back was to just be her friend until she figured out what she wanted. But when she told me she didn't think we should even be friends anymore because of where it might lead, I decided to do as she asked and leave her alone. I know that's not what she really wants, but I can't tell her that. She needs to figure that out for herself. And I think she's starting to.

  I've only seen her twice the past couple weeks, and both times she seemed nervous. Whenever she's around me, she gets all flustered. I've never seen her act like this. It's like she thinks I've moved on and now she wants to get my attention but is worried it might be too late. I can see why she'd think that. I've basically ignored her, not calling or texting or stopping by her house. It's been hard to do that because I miss her and want to talk to her but I'm doing what she asked, and until she tells me differently, I'm going to stay away from her.

  But that hasn't stopped me from keeping tabs on her. I care about her and need to know that she's doing okay so I've been asking her dad for updates. He said she's been doing really well. He said he's never seen Willow show so much enthusiasm for the farm. She's developing new products. Creating a marketing plan. Finding new venues to sell at. She's determined to save the business and, according to her dad, she's loving every second of it.

  The only thing bringing her down is the fact that she and I are no longer friends. I explained to her dad that Willow asked me to stay away and he just shook his head, as frustrated with his daughter as I am. He told me how much she misses me. He said he can't even mention my name without her tearing up and running off to her room.

  I've seen her walk by my house a few times. She goes really slow like she's hoping she'll run into me. I could've gone out there and talked to her, but I decided not to. She needs more time to make a decision about us. I want her to be sure of it this time and not doubt it. So I'm going to stay out of her way and not try to sway her decision. Besides, she knows how I feel.

  Now that Willow's not around, I've had a lot of free time. Aside from working on the far
m, I've spent the past few weeks researching what types of jobs I could have as a graphic designer. I think this is something I want to do, so I picked out some classes to take this fall. I also got some new design software and I've been teaching myself how to use it. I used it to design the labels Willow wanted for the new products she made. When she called me, asking me to make them, I could hear the disappointment in her voice when I told her to email me the details. It was a good sign because it shows how much she misses me. But she doesn't miss me enough to take me back, and until then, I'm going to keep my distance.

  "You gonna pass the ball or just stand there?" Trent asks.

  We're at the park, playing basketball. I've been hanging out with Trent again. I've forgiven him for what he did. It ended up being a good thing he told Willow the truth. It finally got everything out in the open and now it's forcing her to think about her future with me.

  "What's the rush?" I toss it to him.

  "I got shit to do later," he says, shooting the ball and bouncing it off the backboard.

  "What shit do you have to do?" I retrieve the ball and sink it into the basket.

  "None of your damn business." He's hiding something. Something he doesn't want me to know.

  I take the ball and hold it. "Does this have to do with Leah?"

  He holds his hands out. "Give me the ball."

  I laugh. "You're still going out with her, aren't you?"

  He sighs. "We're friends. That's it. Now give me the damn ball."

  "What's it been? Like two weeks now?"

  "Three," he mumbles.

  "It's been three weeks already? I guess I lost track."

  Trent's been dating Leah, the girl who made margaritas at his pool party back in June. The margaritas that got Willow drunk. I like Leah. I went out with her and Trent for dinner a couple weeks ago and afterward he kept asking me what I think of her. He never asks for my opinion on the girls he dates, so that was my first clue that this relationship might actually go somewhere.

  Then there's the fact that Leah doesn't put up with his shit. She calls him out on stuff when he's being an ass and she never phones him or texts him. If he wants to see her or talk to her, he has to track her down. The hard-to-get approach is working. He can't seem to get enough of her.