Death on the Installment Plan

by Louis-Ferdinand Celine

  “Ah, my poor boy, I’ve lost my eyesight … I’ll take your word for it … You look at them for me … I can’t even read my paper anymore … I’m getting so nearsighted these days I wouldn’t know a star if it was two feet away … I wouldn’t see the sky if I was right in the middle of it … I’d mistake the sun for the moon . He was kidding.

  “Oh, that doesn’t matter,” he went on … “But you’re mighty smart, it seems to me … You’re sharp as a razor … Say, you’re really getting ahead … That’s something … You didn’t eat much out there … but you sucked up knowledge … You’re as brainy as they come … You really crammed that big noodle of yours, didn’t you, kid? … Say, you’re full of science, no fooling …” I handed him a laugh … We talked some more about Courtial … He wanted to hear about the end … He asked me a few questions … Christ! I couldn’t stand hearing him talk about it … It threw me into a tizzy … I panicked almost like the day before … I couldn’t stop bawling … Hell! … That looked lousy … It shook my bones … And I was pretty tough … It must have been the terrible tiredness …

  “Come, what’s the matter, my poor oldtimer? … You’re all broken up … Come now, don’t take it so hard … All that stuff about a job was just to be saying something … I wasn’t serious … why should you be? … You wouldn’t let that kind of flumdiddle throw you … You know me well enough … Don’t you trust your uncle? … I wasn’t saying that to get rid of you … Come along, you big sap, don’t you understand! … Stop that blubbering and make it quick … You look like a little girl … OK, kid, you going to stop? … A man doesn’t cry … You can stay as long as you please … There, that’s better … First you’re going to get your strength back … I want to see you stuffed … puffed … bloated … Nobody’d take you like this, I hope you realize … You wouldn’t get anywhere … They’re not looking for featherweights … They want big bruisers … You’ll give it to them in the kisser … Boom! … And down they go! Right, left … Bam! … Waiter! Yes sir? Bring us an order of biceps …”He comforted me as best he could, but I couldn’t stop the flow. I was gushing like a fountain.

  “I want to go away, Uncle … I want to go away … far away …”

  “What do you mean go away? … Where? … China? … What do you mean far? …”

  “I don’t know, Uncle … I don’t know …” It was pouring out worse and worse … I stood up … I was suffocating … But when I was up, I started reeling … He had to prop me up … When we got back to his place, he really didn’t know what to do or say …

  “Well, kid … my oh my! … Let’s forget about all that … Let’s suppose I haven’t said a word … It’s not your fault, poor kid … Come now! You had nothing to do with it … You know what Courtial was like … An extraordinary man … A magnificent scientist! … I wouldn’t deny that for a minute … I was always the first to say so … And I think he had a good heart … But he was an adventurer … Extremely bright, that’s a fact … Extremely capable and what have you … He suffered a thousand injustices … Good, I’ll subscribe to that too … But that wasn’t the first time he went walking on precipices … Ah, he was a glutton for risks … He was always on the brink of catastrophe … People who play the races in the first place … it’s because they like to get it in the neck … They can’t change … And you can’t stop them … They can’t help heading for disaster! … Well, there you have it: they like to take chances … All the same I feel very bad about it … Believe me, it touches me a good deal … I admired him … I even felt sincere friendship … He was a unique mind … Ah, I know all that … he was a man of worth … I seem to be dumb, but I understand … Only it’s no reason because he’s dead that you should forget about everything else and waste away … Christ almighty! It won’t do! … Do you think you can make your living in the state you’re in? … You don’t ruin your health at your age because you’ve run into some trouble … You’re not going to brood over it the rest of your life … It’s not your last calamity … you’ll see plenty more … Leave the wailing to the dames, it don’t stop their bladders … They get a kick out of it … But you’re a man and you’re an up-and-comer … Aren’t you an up-and-comer, sonny boy? … You wouldn’t want to drown in your waterworks? … Ha-ha! … Suppose it fell in your soup … Say, wouldn’t that be a scream? …” He gave me a couple of gentle pokes … He tried to make me laugh …

  “Say, will you look at that weeping willow! … That’s how he comes back from the country … frazzled … washed-out … kerflooey … Come along, puppy boy … brace up … I won’t say another word about your going away … You’ll stay with me … You won’t take a job anywhere … It’s settled … It’s a deal … There, do you feel better now? … Say, why not? … I’ll take you on in my garage … Maybe it’s not the best thing in the world to be apprenticed to your uncle … But hell, what can we do? … Health comes first … Who cares what people think? … The rest will take care of itself … Health, that’s the ticket … I’ll train you, OK, little pal? … First I want you to put on some weight … Oh, I know, it kills you to go looking for jobs … I could see that when you were back home … It doesn’t come easy to you, you haven’t the temperament … If that’s what gives you the willies, nobody’s going to force you … You’ll stay with me the whole time … You won’t ring any more doorbells … You wouldn’t be a good salesman … Hell no! … What more can I say? … You don’t like applying for jobs? … Fine! … That’s what gets you down? … OK.”

  “No, Uncle, it’s not exactly that … I want to go away …”

  “Go away! Go away! Where to? … That’s eating you, isn’t it, little chickadee? … I don’t get it! … You want to go back to the sticks? … You want to grow carrots?”

  “Oh no, Uncle, not that … I’d like to enlist.”

  “Where’d you get that idea all of a sudden? … Say, that’s a corker! … Enlist? … Where? … Why? … There’s plenty of time for that, son … You’ll go with your age group … What’s the hurry? … The military vocation, is that it? … Say, that’s a good one!” He scrutinized me … He found me very odd … He examined me carefully …

  “That’s just a bug, bunny boy … Like wanting to take a leak … You get over it the same way … You want to turn out like Courtial? … You want to be a flibbertigibbet? … What about your parents? … Have you thought of that? … The squawk they’ll let out … My oh my, some serenade that will be! … I’ll never hear the last of it … They’ll say it’s all my fault … Take it easy … they’ll say I put funny ideas in your head … that you’re as screwy as your boss …”

  He wasn’t one bit happy about it … I wanted to confess everything … right then and there … anything at all … it didn’t matter what …

  “But Uncle, I don’t know how to do anything … I’m no good … I’m not sensible …”

  “Who says you’re no good, you big dope … I know you in and out … You’re perfectly sensible …”

  I couldn’t stop bawling …

  “No, Uncle, I’m a fraud …”

  “Not at all … not at all, angel child … You’re a little sap, that’s all … I tell you you’re OK … You haven’t a deceitful hair on your head … You’re just an all-around sucker … The old scoundrel took you in … can’t you see that, little bunny? That’s what you can’t stomach? … He put one over on you …”

  “No! No! …” I was frantic … I didn’t want to hear any explanations. I begged him to listen to me … “I only made everybody unhappy!” I told him over and over again … Oof! And then I was sick to my stomach … And then I talked some more … I’d always made everybody unhappy … That was my awful certainty.

  “You’ve really thought it over? …”

  “Yes, Uncle … Yes, honest … I’ve thought it over … I want to go away … Tomorrow … please … tomorrow …”

  “Come, come! The house isn’t on fire … I won’t have it … Rest up awhile … You can’t go away just like that … o
n the spur of the moment … You won’t be signing up for one day … it’s for three years, friend … A thousand and eighty-five days … not to mention the time you have to make up.”

  “Yes, Uncle …”

  “Come, you’re not a bad boy … Nobody’s trying to get rid of you … Nobody’s accusing you of anything … You’re not so badly off here, are you? … I’ve never mistreated you, have I?”

  “No, it’s me, Uncle … I’m bad … I’m no good … You don’t realize, Uncle … you just don’t realize …”

  “Here we go again! Why, you’re nuts working yourself up like that, you poor little devil! … You’re going to make yourself really sick …”

  “I can’t stand it, Uncle … I can’t stand it … I’m old enough, Uncle … I’ve got to go away … I’ll go tomorrow … All right?”

  “Not tomorrow, pal! Not tomorrow! Right away! Sure … right away! …” He was getting excited … “Christ, how stubborn can you be! … You’re going to wait two weeks … Or a month for that matter … Two weeks to please me … We’ll see … anyway they wouldn’t take you the way you are now … I can guarantee that in advance … You’d scare the medics … First you’ve got to build yourself up … that’s the main thing … They’d throw you out like a leper … What’s the matter with you? … You think they enlist skeletons? … You’ll have to put on a few pounds … At least twenty, see … I know what I’m saying … Twenty for a starter … Or else … vamoose … You want to go to war? … Say, you’d blow away! … Who’s sent me this soldier who’s as skinny as a rail? … Come on, we’ll see about it later … Come along, little matchstick, button up those moans … Well, anyway … they won’t be bored … they’ll have a good laugh at the recruiting station when you come in all skin and bones … And on guard duty! … They’ll split a gut … Hi, Private Crybaby! … Wouldn’t you rather be in the Engineers? … What branch are you going to enlist in anyway? … You don’t know yet? … Well, you’d better make up your mind …”

  It was all the same to me.

  “I don’t know, Uncle …”

  “You don’t know? … You never know anything.

  “I like you fine, Uncle … But I can’t stay … I just can’t … You’re mighty good to me … I don’t deserve it, Uncle … I don’t deserve it …”

  “Why don’t vou deserve it? … Speak up, you little dope?”

  “I don’t know, Uncle … I make you unhappy too … I want to go away … I want to enlist tomorrow…”

  “Oh, all right, then it’s settled … Shake on it … I agree … OK … But that still doesn’t tell us what regiment you’ve picked … All I can say is you’d better hurry …” He was making fun of me …

  “You wouldn’t want to join the footsloggers? … You don’t favor the Queen of Battles? … No? … Well, I can understand that … you’d rather not carry anything … those sixty-five pounds … That doesn’t appeal to you, does it, daisy boy? … You’d rather be carried … Take cover, dammit … You’re not in the mood? … Under that manure pile over there on the left … And the parades! … Hup hoop hip hore! … And don’t you care for our lovely maneuvers? … How about it, my bullyboy? … Take advantage of the terrain! … You ought to be good at that … You’ve seen plenty of terrain … you know what it’s like … The leeks … and all the muck around them … How about it? … But you preferred the stars … Ah, so you’re changing your mind? … It didn’t take you very long … Maybe you’d like to be an astronomer? … Good! … You’ll join the First Telescopes … Moon Regiment … No? … You don’t go for anything I offer … Say, you’re hard to please … I can see you’d rather be in Infantry after all … Are you a good hiker? … Boy, will you have blisters! … “Them boots are heavy in my pack. Them boots …” Or would you rather have boils on your ass? … OK, make it the cavalry … Extended order, that’s the stuff … Or how about the mountain boys! * …

  There’s a drop to drink up yonder,

  There’s a drop to drink . .

  He made a bugle with his mouth: “Ta ra ta ta ta! Ta ta ta …”

  “Oh, don’t do that, Uncle … Don’t!” It reminded me of that character.

  “How sensitive you are, you poor lummox … What would you do in one of those nasty battles? … Wait … You haven’t really thought it over … Stay where you are … You can spare another five minutes … Stay with me a little while longer … Maybe two three weeks … until you begin to see what’s what … Say, why not a month?”

  “No, Uncle … I’d rather go right away …”

  “Good Lord, you’re just like your mother … Once you get a bee in your bonnet … Hell, I’m just about out of ideas … How about the Cuirassiers? … A big fatso like you wouldn’t look bad on a horse … They won’t even be able to see you under your breastplate … You’ll be the regimental ghost … Say, a lance couldn’t even hit you … Good deal! … Say, that’s a marvelous idea! … But even so you’d have to put on weight … there’s not even enough of you for a ghost … You poor lug, you’re at least twenty pounds short … And I’m not exaggerating … it’s still the same twenty pounds … You think that’s a better idea? …”

  “Yes, Uncle.”

  “I can see you charging …” I didn’t see a damn thing …

  “Yes, Uncle … Yes, I’ll wait …”

  “The Hefties! Ferdinand the Hefty! … The nursemaid’s dream! The footslogger’s friend! The terror of the artillery! That’ll give us a little bit of everything in the family …

  “I can’t see you in the navy … You’re seasick already … See what I mean? … And your father who was in for five years! … What’s he going to say? … He was on the heavy guns … We’ll have a sampling of everything in the family … The whole army … The Fourteenth of July at home, eh? … Taratata! Ta ta ta! …”

  Still trying to cheer me up, he took his kepi, it was on the mantelpiece, on the right next to the mirror … I can still see his pompon, a little yellow chick … He slapped it on sideways …

  “There you are, Ferdinand! The whole army! …” That was a happy ending.

  “Nuts!” he reflected. “All that’s the bunk … You’re not through changing your mind … You haven’t got your marching orders yet, son … you haven’t even got a serial number … You’ve got plenty of time ahead of you, soldier boy …” He heaved a sigh. “It’s never too late to make an ass of yourself … Right now you’re upset … That’s understandable … You’ve been crying like a waterfall … You must be pretty thirsty … You want some brandy … I’ve got some first-class calvados … I’ll give you some sugar with it … It doesn’t appeal to you? … How about some plain red wine? … I could warm it up for you … Or some camomile? … Or a spot of anisette? … I guess you’d rather hit the sack … I see how it is … A little shut-eye for a starter … That’s not a bad idea … I guess I’m the one that’s been talking rot … What you need is ten good hours of sleep … All right, my dear nephew, get a wiggle on … We’ve chewed the fat long enough … Let’s get out the baby’s bed … Poor kid … He’s had a rough time … The country doesn’t agree with you … I could have told you that, son … You just stay with me from now on …”

  “I’d like to, Uncle … I’d really like to … But honest, I can’t … Later some time … Later … is that all right? … I wouldn’t do anything decent right now … I couldn’t … You’ll let me go, won’t you, Uncle? … You’ll ask Papa, won’t you? … I’m sure he won’t mind …”

  “No! Nothing doing!” I was making him sore … “My Lord, are you stubborn! … You’re as obstinate as Clémence … My goodness, it runs in the family … You’re wearing yourself out for the hell of it … The army isn’t what you think, son … It’s even rougher than a job … You don’t realize … Especially at your age … The others are twenty-one, that’s an advantage in itself … You’re not strong enough … You’ll be all worn-out …”

  “I know, Uncle, but it’s best I should try …”

  “Say,
you’re plumb crazy … Come along now … We’re going to bed … You’re talking a lot of hot air now, we’ll think about it some more tomorrow … In my opinion you’re all in … This idea of yours is like a fever … you’re raving, and I’ve had enough of it … Say, they’ve really cut you down with their pruning hooks … It was high time you came home … Those farmers have really fixed you … It’s the payoff! … And now you’re off your rocker … Well, my boy, I’m going to patch you up … And you’re going to put it away, I’m warning you right now … Every day starches, buttter, and meat … and the best quality … no measly chops … And chocolate every morning … And cod-liver oil by the glassful … Don’t worry, I know how it’s done … No more empty plates and wind dumplings … That’s right, puppy child … No more starvation … And now upsy-daisy, to bed with you … That’s all a lot of rot … You’re just upset … That’s my private opinion … You’re all inside-out … At your age it doesn’t take long to get over that … You just have to stop thinking about it … Think of something else … And eat enough for four … for thirty-six… In a week you’ll be hunky-dory … Guaranteed by the Bank of France and the Higgledy-Piggledy pharmacy!”

  We took the bed out of the closet … The folding contraption that squeaked all over … It had shrunk something awful … When I tried to stretch out, I got tangled up in the bars … I preferred the mattress on the floor … He gave me another off his own bed … I was still shaking like a leaf … He gave me more blankets … My teeth were still chattering … He covered me all up, he buried me under a pile of overcoats … I had all his bearskins on top of me … There was a whole selection in the closet … I kept on shivering all the same … I looked at the walls of the room … They’d got smaller too … It was the middle room, the one with the Angelus in it …