Avow

by Holly Mortimer

  She settled back down, trailed a hand down my chest and turned and ran towards the pub.

  I reached down and grabbed a large rock, wishing like hell I could crush it with my bare hands. Instead, I hurled it out into an oncoming wave, yelling some choice curse words at the top of my lungs, no doubt, scaring the senior residents of the village.

  I sat down on the edge, dangling my legs over into the water, feeling the floodgate of tears slowly trying to break free. “Fuck me, Auntie.” I often talked to my aunt, Brennan’s mother, who had always been there in place of my own irresponsible mother. “How do I get back up from here?”

  The wind and sea had no answer for me. I didn’t know any other way to live, other than recklessly throwing myself at women who weren’t ever going to stick around. Throwing myself while I waited for my wife to come home to me. I was stupid as fuck. How bloody embarrassing walking back into the pub now. And here I had convinced her to stay and look after Claire.

  “Ryan, you’re such a fucking idiot.” I flung myself backwards onto the grass and lay there, waiting for the urge to lose my man card while crying my eyes out like a bleeding baby, to pass. Aiden would just have to wait an extra few minutes. I needed to get my ass back together and figure out what to do now. I had an idea what step one was going to be. Tonight I would sign the divorce papers she wanted so badly and then I would get on with the business of getting piss poor drunk. What came after that, I had no clue.

  Chapter 8

  Chloe

  Like someone had reached into my chest, squeezed my heart as tight as could be, then tore it from my body… That was the closest description I could get to the pain I felt in my chest. Saying goodbye to Ryan was one thing, but doing it in such a cruel manner was another thing entirely. I knew it might have had to come to that, but no amount of self-talk could have prepared me for how awful it had actually been.

  I approached the pub, but knew I couldn’t go in. Aiden would have to look after Claire tonight after all. She would be upset, but she hardly knew me. She would get over it.

  I raced around the corner to get to the back where I had left my car, and collided into the aforementioned seven-year-old. We both landed in a heap on the ground.

  Tears instantly sprang into her eyes and I pushed aside my injuries to swoop her up. She hardly weighed anything, but after years of cancer treatment, I was hardly in any shape to carry even this tiny thing. I cuddled her and did a quick cursory check for blood and broken bones and assessed nothing major had been damaged. The last thing I needed was Ryan’s family hating me for one more thing.

  Her tears slowed and she emitted the occasionally odd sniffle as we rocked back and forth on the ground of the parking lot. I knew I needed to get her inside so her Uncle Aiden could look her over.

  “Do you think you can walk inside, Claire? I’m so super sorry I ran into you.”

  She sniffled and looked up at me. I was so bad at handling kids. I had exactly zero experience with them. “I think if we can get your Uncle Aiden to check you over, you’ll feel a lot better. Then maybe we can get you something cool to eat from the kitchen.”

  “Ice cream?”

  I had no idea if they served ice cream, but I would drive somewhere to find it for her. “Sure. I totally think ice cream is in order.”

  She smiled and hopped up as if nothing had happened, and I knew I had just been played. She grabbed a hold of my hand and held on tight as we made our way back into the pub. The exact opposite direction I wanted to be going right now. She looked up at me and smiled and I felt like maybe it was the universe that had been playing me. How was I going to keep resisting if everything I had ever wanted before the cancer claimed me was here in Ireland?

  I didn’t see Ryan as we swung open the door, but I knew he was in there somewhere. We walked towards the bar, where Aiden was leaning and chatting with a customer. Suddenly, a wail that scared even me came out of little Claire’s mouth, and for a moment, I thought something else had happened to her. I quickly figured out, she was having a perfectly timed relapse, geared to achieving her goal of the forbidden ice cream.

  Aiden came running around the bar and Ryan popped up out of nowhere.

  “Claire,” Aiden said. “Sweetheart, what’s the matter?”

  Through her refreshed tears, her sad story of how I had mowed her down came out and suddenly I felt like laughing at her tall tale. I knew I had better keep my thoughts and laughter to myself, or else I would become hated before anyone here even knew why they should really be hating me. I figured I had better jump in before I lost all my credibility.

  “I was in a hurry and we came around the corner at the same exact time and collided. She seemed okay outside, but I thought an examination by Uncle Aiden would set things right.”

  Aiden looked up at me and winked and I could immediately see why the female customer base had seemingly increased by the hour today. I heard a noise to my right and looked up to see Ryan glaring at Aiden and I could swear he was growling. I needed to scram, but first, I had a problem. I wasn’t wearing my watch, and when I had entered the pub, I saw the time and panicked. I had a strictly regimented medication program and I had now missed my last batch by a couple of hours. I had no idea what long term effects would happen if I let it go any longer, but didn’t really want to find out. I had been waiting so long to be able to hear the word remission again that I had no desire to push my luck. I was so close to that goal, and I needed my pills and I needed them now. They were large and plentiful so I also needed a glass of water.

  Aiden left Claire with Ryan and was heading back around the bar to find a first aid kit, so I followed him, fishing in my purse for my medication.

  “Aiden?”

  “Yes?”

  “Would you mind if I grabbed a glass of water?”

  “Of course. Let me get it for you.”

  “No, you need to get back to your patient. I can manage.” I pulled my pills out of my bag and realized my mistake almost immediately. I saw his eyes land on the bottle and widen. I had no idea how much of an expert he was on cancer meds, but I was guessing he had some sort of passing knowledge of most drugs.

  “You okay, Chloe?”

  I pasted on a bright smile, and truthfully, I was okay. This was just another blip in my life. Chemo sucked, but it was a necessary evil. “Yep, I’m fine Aiden.”

  He didn’t look convinced. “Chloe,” he leaned in close. “I know what those meds are for. Really, you okay?”

  “Aiden, I’m fine. Please. Drop it.”

  “Ryan know?”

  I let out a huffy breath. “No. He doesn’t and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t mention it to him. I’m so fine that it’s a miracle. Not in remission, but just waiting another few months and I am sure I will be. That’s how fine I am.”

  He visibly relaxed and I took in another breath. “Now, can I get that water?”

  “Sure Chloe. But listen, you need anything, you’re going to let me know, right?”

  “Of course, Aiden. But I—”

  “I know. You’re fine. Got it.”

  He handed me my glass of water and went to look after his patient. I downed the pills, swung my bag over my shoulder and snuck out the back entrance, hoping and praying he was telling the truth. I didn’t need the sympathy vote from Ryan. What I needed was for him to sign those papers and get himself happy. Without me. So, why did that make me so freaking depressed if it was supposed to make him so amazingly happy?

  Chapter 9

  Ryan

  I knelt down to scoop up Claire and watched Aiden and Chloe talking about something at the bar. I hated that he was getting something from her that I wasn’t, but right now, I had to set my anger aside and see to Claire. I knew the wee little thing was laying it on real thick, but since her dad wasn’t here, I couldn’t blame her. She must be going right crazy missing him. I knew something about how that felt.

  “Uncle Ryan. Why did your wife just leave?
We were supposed to hang out tonight.”

  “Well, you see, Uncle Ryan and Aunt Chloe aren’t really very happy tonight, and it seems Aunt Chloe is really very unhappy so I think that hanging with you might not be the best option for fun tonight. You’ll have to cut your losses and go with Uncle Aiden.”

  Her grumpy face told me she disliked the idea of spending time with Aiden much more than I’d thought. I guess it was only the grown ladies who thought differently.

  I stood up and took her hand, walking towards the bar. “How about you stay and work the bar w’ Uncle Ryan tonight? It’s not usually that busy on Monday nights so I think I can handle a wee thing like you as my sidekick. What d’ya say?”

  Her smile scared away my bad mood for a bit, and we got to work cleaning up the mess Aiden had left behind. I had no idea how someone so smart could struggle so badly to run a bar. He had made a mess of things, that was for sure.

  I tried to forget about Chloe for a time. I knew now, for certain, I needed to sign the papers. I was just going to have to get drunk in order to celebrate my new break of freedom, and find the courage to sign the damn things.

  How someone could kiss like that and then just stand there and tell me it was nothing was beyond my ability to understand. I thought today had shown her why we were so good together, but instead, it delivered the final blow. I wasn’t an idiot. I had come to terms with the lunacy of chasing her anymore and I really wasn’t about to lose my manhood by trying to win her back one last time. It was going to hurt, but I needed to sign those divorce papers tonight. Then I needed to get around to the business of drinking her out of my mind.

  The rest of the night went fairly close to normal. As normal as was expected these days, anyway. Aiden finally came and picked up Claire and I closed up a bit early thanks to a quick storm that rolled in.

  I hit the lights and trudged up the outside stairs, up to my flat, counting down the days until Brennan and Sam came home. I knew I had told him I could easily manage the running of the bar and my regular duties, but I was already feeling the stress of it all get to me. I guess adding in Chloe’s surprise visit home wasn’t helping matters any.

  I locked up, threw my keys on the counter, and grabbed my Jameson and poured myself a generous helping of Irish courage. I moved into my bedroom and pulled the papers from my bedside table and sat down on the edge of the bed. I took a healthy swig and opened up the simple documents, signifying the end of my impossibly short marriage to one Chloe Murphy. I found a pen, released the cap and tried to scribble my name at the bottom, like a grown man would do. My hand was shaking and nothing my brain could do would overrule my heart.

  I needed another shot of whiskey. I downed what remained and threw it on the table. Before I could talk myself out of it, I grabbed the pen, and scrawled my signature. I threw the pen at the wall. It didn’t do anything to help my foul mood. Without thought, I grabbed the empty glass and pitched it with every fibre of pain in my heart at the wall across from me, staring as it shattered and rained shards of glass all over my floor.

  “FUCK!” I roared at the room and wildly looked around for another shot of something to dull my pain. I ignored the mess I had made and headed back to the kitchen to get another glass and pour myself as much whiskey as it was going to take to push down the despair. Not caring about the consequences, I gulped down the fire with the hope that it would fucking do something.

  I folded up the letter into the pre-addressed envelope that so thoughtfully had the postage paid for its return. Sealing it shut, I knew I had to get rid of it immediately, or else I would be tempted to tear it up and start this circus ride all over again. I poured another shot, drank it down and prepared to go outside into the pouring rain.

  I ran, avoiding a near miss with a lamp post I would have sworn had not been on the sidewalk the last time I had walked there, and deposited the package into the post box. Not caring that I was soaked right through, I leaned myself against the box and wondered at the tears that suddenly flew and mixed with the pelting rain.

  Disgusted with myself, I pushed off and trudged back up the street to my flat, wishing I wasn’t so drunk so that I could drive over to her place and deliver my delightful news in person. It would have to wait. I had more drinking to do and courtesy visits were definitely out of the question right now.

  Finally arriving at the top of the stairs, I discovered a drenched Aiden leaning against my door, patiently eyeing me up.

  “Where in the hell did you go in this God awful weather?”

  I brushed past him and opened the door, not bothering to hold it for him as I let myself in.

  “Jesus, who pissed in your cornflakes?” I didn’t respond to him. I wasn’t in the mood for chit chat. I was in the mood for one thing. Misery. “Okay, taking the strong, brooding path tonight I see. I guess you won’t be interested in what I came here to tell you. About a certain pint-sized wife you might have.”

  He turned to leave and I tried to step in front of him, but I guess all that liquid courage was finally catching up to me. I fell off kilter and he easily shoved me aside. “Wait, Aiden. Don’t leave.”

  “Sit down, Ry. This might take a minute or two. And before you accuse me of leaving Claire to fend for herself, she’s with Keeva.”

  The look on his face scared me sober, so I grabbed the bottle for the short trip to the sofa. I sat and poured myself another and offered him the bottle. He waved it off and sat down.

  “So, today I saw Chloe take some meds after Claire took her spill.”

  I cocked my head to the side and Aiden’s face swung in and out of focus. “What kind of meds?”

  He took an extra breath before answering me and I knew it was bad. “Well, a variety. But based on what I saw, Ryan, as a doctor I am going to assume Chloe has some form of cancer.”

  The ground fell out from beneath me and I knew. I knew he was right. She was different. She looked different, thinner, frail, but she was also acting different. Her eyes weren’t sparkling, and her smile had pretty much gone on a permanent vacation. She was Chloe, but dimmer. Her shine was gone.

  I bolted up to towards the door like an idiot thinking I could drive. Aiden grabbed me from behind and threw me back on the sofa. “Ry, you’re not going anywhere in this condition. She doesn’t need you barging in throwing accusations without knowing the truth.”

  He was wrong. “I wasn’t going to her. I have to get back to the post. I need to get my mail back out.”

  He looked at me like I had well and truly lost my mind. “First of all, stealing mail is a crime. Secondly, what’s in there that trumps this news?”

  I looked at him, struggling to breathe properly, understanding I had made the biggest mistake of my life. Scratch that, I made that mistake when I let her go all those years ago. This was a tie with that one. “My divorce papers. I signed them, Aiden. She’s not my wife anymore.”

  Chapter 10

  Chloe

  I stared at the rising sun, coming up over the bay. Everyone was right, I was totally going to miss this view. What I wouldn’t do to spend a lifetime of watching the Irish countryside roll by.

  I sighed at my melancholy. It wasn’t going to get me on the plane on time. I needed to hustle it up.

  I looked around and decided that I had everything ready and hauled it out into the hall and down the stairs to the front of the bed and breakfast. I hurried outside and got all of my luggage into the car and decided I had just enough time to grab a quick bite to eat before taking off.

  I found my hosts in the kitchen, working on preparing the breakfast for the rest of the guests. Reena looked up and smiled. “Ready to leave then, love? Can I fix you something to eat before you go?”

  “Would it be too much trouble? Just something light.”

  She waved me off. “Of course it isn’t too much trouble, Chloe. Go, sit and I’ll bring something around in a minute.”

  I moved into the grand dining room and promised myself tha
t one day I would return to it, if only to experience everything magical the area had to offer. This trip had been too short and too packed with drama.

  A few minutes later, my daydreaming was interrupted by Reena and the wonderful aroma of whatever it was she had brought me.

  “A bite of French toast for you and some fruit to make up for the decadence.”

  I gasped a little and marvelled at her ability to know just what I needed. She left me alone to my thoughts and I dug into the sinful breakfast. I stared at my phone, wondering what he was doing right this moment. Probably sleeping, dum dum.

  Even though it was what I had come here to get, when I got his text last night, it tore right through my already damaged heart.

  We’re divorced. Congrats. You got your wish.

  I knew it was going to come to that, but that didn’t make it any easier for either of us. I hoped that one day the pain would subside and he would find everything he had ever dreamed of. It would have to do to just imagine that he did. I couldn’t have any more contact with him if this divorce was going to work.

  And on that happy thought, I finished up and went to properly check out. I handed in my key, hugged Reena and said my goodbyes to Brandon Bay and Ireland and headed for the airport.

  “Final boarding call for Flight 301, non-stop to New York City. At this time, we are boarding all groups for this flight at Gate 417.”

  I trudged up to the desk and for the hundredth time, cursed my inability to do anything right. I had left my phone charger in my room and my phone had died on the drive to the airport. I was so bored that I had waited to be the last person on the flight so I wouldn’t have to sit and fidget. Fidgeting was the devil’s work, my father always said.

  I gave one last, longing look around the airport, hating that I had to leave Ireland. I grew up here, and had always dreamed of what my life would be like living here. When my dad up and moved us back home to the States to get me what he considered a higher level of cancer care clinics, I didn’t only cry for days thinking of how much I was going to miss Ryan. But I cried for the loss of those dreams. And now, here I was, once again running home to Daddy.