Avow

by Holly Mortimer

  We drove in companionable silence. Both of us knowing the only things we needed to talk about were pretty heavy subjects and not good for driving in Ireland. It was hard enough for me to stay on the road, let alone adding in high tensions inside the car.

  We stopped along the sea to grab a bite to eat and then continued on towards the Cliffs of Moher. I had been here when I was a teen, but it’s hard to appreciate anything when you’re more concerned with how your hair looks stuck to your new lip gloss in the crazy wind up there than how amazing and dangerous nature can be. Pulling into the parking lot, you still couldn’t see the majestic drop that the cliffs offered, but once we neared the tourist entrance, you could feel the wind and the earth speaking to you.

  We bought our tickets and headed out onto the path that lead up to the walking paths along the cliffs. Ryan took my hand and we climbed up and off to the left, towards the less travelled area of the attraction. I was still fairly out of shape thanks to the cancer, but didn’t want to let him know. He would pull out his caveman loincloth and try to carry me or some dumb thing like that. So, I kept my huffing and puffing to myself as we slowly made our way up to the edge of the cliffs. Ryan had been relatively silent the whole time. He was polite while we were eating and in the car, made the odd comment about the weather and the countryside, but he was acting odd. He was a really gregarious guy, and he rarely stopped talking. I wondered idly what was up with him, nearly missing my step in a complicated spot on the path.

  Ryan stopped and turned towards me, “are you going to be okay? This climb isn’t bothering you, is it?”

  I plastered a smile on my face and willed my breath to hang tight for a few seconds. “Nope, I’m great. The crowds are thinning. Are we going to stop our climb soon?”

  He smiled and the glint in his eyes told me all I needed to know. He had a plan. I had seen it in his eyes when we were younger and it was still there all these years later. “We’re nearly there.”

  “Where? I didn’t know there was anywhere to head to up here? Well, besides the thirty kilometre hike into the nearest village, I guess.” I panicked at that thought. “Um, Ry? We aren’t going that far are we?”

  He shook his head and tugged me closer to him. “No, there’s a great spot up ahead not a lot of tourists know about. It’s a little tricky to get to, but you’ll love it once we’re there.”

  The tricky to get to part scared me. We were literally at the edge of the earth and one misstep could lead to the end of your life. I wondered how many had fallen to their deaths here at the cliffs? It had to have been quite a few, some by accident and others intentionally. It was unreal to me that there weren’t ropes or guard rails to keep the stupid tourists away from the edge.

  We finally stopped at a beautiful outcropping, quite far away from the tourist centre. In fact, there weren’t any other tourists out this far at all. Looking out at the turbulent ocean, I felt like the only person on earth, besides Ryan. This was exactly what I needed to do today. Everything else fades away when you’re standing at the edge of the ocean, or eight hundred feet above it to be precise.

  I moved to sit down on the grass, well away from the edge, as I was exhausted from the walk up there, but Ryan grabbed my hands and turned me to face him. “Trust me?”

  “No.”

  He just smiled and gave my hands a good, hard squeeze. “Just trust me, Chlo.”

  I knew whatever he was about to do or say, I wasn’t going to like, but he had such hope in his eyes that I gave him a shot at redemption. “Sure, why not?”

  “’We’re going over the edge.”

  “Fuck no!” I immediately slapped a hand over my mouth. I don’t swear. It’s kind of a stupid rule I gave myself. I can count on one hand the times I’ve cursed and now I’m going to have to start using my other hand to count them up. But, come on, this one was a gimme! “Ryan, there’s no way I’m doing that.”

  “You said you trusted me, so just let go. Let go for once, Chloe. I’ve got you. I’ll never let you go.”

  “I’m sure you think you mean that literally, but Ryan, you’re insane.”

  Suddenly, he flopped down onto his stomach on the grassy edge and poked his head over. Seemingly satisfied with what he saw, he swung his legs over the side of the cliff and landed on what must have been a ledge underneath.

  “Quick, sweetheart. Before anyone sees. This kind of isn’t allowed.”

  Well, no doubt. I stared at him and inched a bit closer to the edge and peered over. Turned out, there was a substantial ledge there. Not, like another huge ledge, but enough of one that a person, should they want to, could climb over and not teeter off the side. And if said person were being held by a strong, tall Irishman, it’s possible she would be safe getting down there.

  “Come on, Chloe. Let’s go, my love. You can do this. Trust me.”

  I’d stayed to experience adventure and I guess I was failing my first try at it miserably. I needed to pull up my panties and live life. I slowly set my hands on his shoulders. He grabbed a hold of my waist and easily held me while I skooched over and down onto the ledge. I was shaking, pretty much immobile and only able to stare into Ryan’s eyes.

  He lightly kissed my forehead. “You did it,” he whispered. “I’m so proud of you. Now, can you please release your claws. My forearms are going into shock thanks to the pain you’re inflicting.”

  “I can’t let go.”

  “Yes, you can, love. Here.” He let go of my hip and pried my fingers away from his skin. “There you go. Now, let’s get the other one, shall we?” He managed to get it loose as well and I tried not to panic. “Breathe, Chloe. Breathe. You don’t have to look around you, but let me guide you down.”

  He started to lower himself to the ground and without looking away from his eyes, I went with him. When we finally hit the earth, he scooted us back on the ledge until we were inside a little cave that completely hid us from view.

  I could finally breathe as it didn’t seem that falling off the ledge was in our immediate future. Getting back up would have to wait. I might have to permanently stay there. I turned to see Ryan watching me with a small smile on his face. “Thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “For making me do that. For showing me that I can conquer my fear and that sometimes, taking a risk has a great reward.”

  “And what’s the reward, Chloe?”

  I couldn’t answer him. All of a sudden, I knew the reward was so much more than the view and the knowledge I could push through the fear. My reward was Ryan. Even though my plan to leave him was still intact, I had been given a reprieve. For now, in this moment, he was my reward. I couldn’t tell him that though. He would take it as a signal that we were getting back together. I still had my reasons, but for now, I was giving this moment all I had.

  “The view, the knowledge I can push through fear, the peace I feel right now.”

  He shifted me so I was leaning against him and had a view to the ocean beyond. It was only us out here, well, at least we could pretend it was. I wasn’t in any hurry to leave. I let my eyes drift closed and rested my weary body, laying my head against his shoulder.

  “Tell me, Chloe.”

  So much for my peace. He knew, and I guess it was time to fill in the blanks. “Tell you what, Ryan?”

  “You know. I want to know why you left, why you haven’t come to me in all these years, and why the fuck you never told me you have cancer.”

  “That’s a tall order, but you know, I’m ready to tell you my story.” I paused to look up at him from my perch on his lap. “Are we going to do this here, or are we heading somewhere more private?”

  He ran his fingers through my wild curls, soothing away some of the anxiety I was having thinking about where I would start and how, ultimately, I would finish the story. I turned away from him and stared out at the ocean, took a deep breath and told him everything.

  “So, remember the day we first met? When we collided
in the hall?”

  “Of course. You were upset.”

  “Well, that morning, I had found out I had cancer. And then my father had just dumped me back at school as if nothing had ever happened. I was so freaking mad. At the world, at my father and at my body. So, I had decided that I was going to cut class. Woo, big deal, right? Well, to me it was huge. I had never turned in an absent at school. My father wouldn’t tolerate that. So I ran, and ran right into you.”

  I could feel him gently laugh at our chance encounter. “You scared me so much, I forgot for a few minutes that I was dying. It was an amazing reprieve from the crap that I was feeling before.”

  I paused, gathering my thoughts, trying to figure out how to give him everything he deserved. “So, you know what happened next. We fell in love, ran away to get married and then I got a phone call from my father while you were sleeping. He had found out what we had done. Somehow, some way. I’m not sure, but he did and he had clearly done some heavy planning as to what he was going to say to me, ’cause he got it in one.”

  He tried to sit me up but I wouldn’t budge. There was no way I could face him while telling him the rest. “Ryan, just let me finish. I don’t think I can look at you while talking. You might not be able to understand me for all the crying and sniffling that would happen.”

  He settled back down and I shuffled to get the best view of the world outside our little cave.

  “I have breast cancer. And yes, I know that when I was diagnosed I was unusually young to get it, and still am for that. My mother died from breast cancer and so, it seems, might I.” His arm stiffened around me. “But not any time soon. I’d better finish. The day is really getting away from us. So, you see, my father found out about our elopement and made his move. He told me that there would be no way you would want me, Ryan. A woman who was needing a mastectomy. It was in both breasts, so a double mastectomy was what the doctor ordered. With my genetics, it was one of the treatment courses that could not be avoided.

  “So, he shrewdly reminded me that what young eighteen-year-old man would want a woman about to lose her breasts? What man would ever be able to look at me and feel attracted? And finally, he came in with the killing blow. What man, who so desperately wanted a family, would want to wait for a young wife to be healthy to start his family? Wait for her to finish chemo, radiation and mastectomies? With no guarantee that his wife would even make it through and beat cancer and be there for him and their family?”

  Chapter 13

  Chloe

  I could feel the anger radiating off him and knew just how it felt. I’d already been there and back again. But, I couldn’t let this confession be done there. He needed to see it through.

  “Ryan, he was right. You can tell me all you want that you wouldn’t have cared, but you would have. It’s just how it is. We were so young. So full of foolish plans. I should have told you before we were married and I deeply regret that. I guess in my defense, I just wanted something to be proud of, and to give me hope and fill my dream bank up while I was going to the hospital. I don’t know what I was thinking. Every time I thought it was time to tell you, you started talking about our future and I got really afraid. I didn’t want you to stay with me out of pity. I wanted you to want me cancer and all, and I wasn’t entirely sure you would be into that.”

  He sat up and nearly hit his head on the roof of the cave. “Okay, that’s it. We need to get out of here and somewhere with four walls and a soundproof door. I can’t sit here and listen to this bullshit any longer and this, unfortunately, isn’t the place to say all the things I need to say.” He crawled forward and out the front, getting perilously close to the edge again.

  “Ryan, I—”

  “Chloe, listen. Not now. Not while one wrong move will send us to our deaths. okay?”

  I instantly shut up but vowed to smack him upside his head the first chance I got, dead or alive. I slowly crawled out of the opening and clung to the rock as I stood, trying desperately not to look down. It was late afternoon and the air had begun to cool and the breeze had picked up. Enough that I was nervous about having the wind knock me off balance.

  Once I was standing up straight, I realized I had a new problem. Getting down had been relatively easy. Ryan had held me as I hopped onto the ledge. How were we going to get back up? I guess my terrified face must have spoken volumes to him, as he instinctively knelt down and I immediately climbed up onto his knee and I pulled myself up over the ledge, landing safely onto the grass above. Ryan quickly hopped up and sat down beside me. Looking around, it looked like most of the tourists had cleared out while we were down there, and all I could hear was the ocean crashing into the shore and the flocks of sea birds flying around our heads.

  Without speaking, Ryan hauled me up and, holding my hand, pulled me once again behind him towards the parking lot.

  I let him know I had booked a room and he was welcome to stay, but if he wasn’t we would need to speed this story up. Before we took off, he fired off a few texts to make sure the bar was covered. When he was satisfied everything wasn’t going to hell over there, we took off towards the coast and the final chapter in our story.

  The ride there was pretty silent while I formulated what my next steps were and he stewed over whatever it was he was thinking about. He was going to hear it all. Then I guess it was up to him to decide. I was going to stay in Ireland for a while regardless of how he reacted. I just would have to avoid the area where he lived if he didn’t take what I had to say well.

  We reached the ocean and I pointed to a favourite spot and asked him to pull in and park the car. I looked at him and figured I needed to get this done.

  “Let’s walk.”

  I didn’t wait to see if he wanted to, just got out and dug my rain boots out of my luggage. The tide was out and we would be able to walk for a bit, but the terrain could get messy, quickly.

  I stuck a ball cap on my head to control my unruly hair and walked around to meet him at the entry to the beach. It was a remote area and there was the odd tourist here and there, but we were mostly alone. He grabbed my hand in his and we started walking.

  It didn’t take him long. “So, you going to pick up sometime where you left off? I think you were telling me how I would feel about you having cancer?”

  He was looking off in the distance so it was hard for me to see what he was feeling, but I could tell by his tone he was pissed. Not the greatest way to start this conversation.

  “Okay, so here you go. You can have it all, Ryan. I left you, with all those thoughts in my head and sure that my father was right. I was making the right choice for you. It sounds so lame, but you have to believe me, leaving you was the hardest thing ever.”

  He snickered and turned away from me again.

  I stopped and faced him, still holding on to his hand. “Think about it, Ryan, and think about it honestly. We were eighteen. We had impulsively rushed into a marriage and I had just found out I had cancer. Can you honestly tell me your eighteen-year-old self really would have stayed for the long haul? Through the treatments, the pain, the anguish and hopelessness? Held my hair while I threw up and then stayed by my side when I had no hair to speak of?”

  “Chl—”

  “No, spare me. You would have eventually resented me and if you didn’t do anything about that, you would have stayed with me, miserable. You might have even strayed. You wouldn’t have had a family. We just wouldn’t have been happy.”

  He stood there, still staring off to the side, not looking at me one iota. “Are you just about done?”

  Oh, I was just getting started. “Not by half. Please, let me finish, then you can have your say and we’ll be done.”

  I dropped his hand and continued walking, assuming he was following me. “I left, and yes, I was a coward to leave you in the middle of the night without an explanation, but it’s done and know that I regret it immensely. I went to my father the next day and waffled over my decision, but he de
livered some more bad news. My doctors had informed my parents before my birthday, that I did not have Stage 1 cancer as they had earlier thought, but Stage 3. Things were progressing at an alarming rate and radical treatments would be necessary. I would have to leave for America as soon as possible as my father was confident that his home country would offer me the best chance at survival.”

  I stopped and turned to look out at the ocean. “So, I left. I was so scared, Ryan. Scared of dying, scared of losing you forever, and scared of you rejecting me. It looked like a double mastectomy was going to be inevitable. I thought that when I was done with my treatments and I came back to Ireland, how could you ever be attracted to me? It turned out I never ended up being able to come back.”

  “You didn’t even try to talk to me. You didn’t ask me what I thought.”

  His voice, so low and pained, struck my defences. “I wanted to, Ryan. I really did. But it turns out, my father can be very resourceful when he wants something and I can only assume he wanted you out of my life. He told me you had gotten in touch with him and left him a new number. He had of course set up that new number with voice mail and nothing more. I left you countless messages, begging you to forgive me and to understand and finally, to just pick up so I could hear your voice that always calmed my deepest fears. But you never did.”

  “How do you know this?”

  “Me finding out is part of the reason I came back. Richard, who by the way is actually now my ex-fiancé, told me a week ago when I told him I was thinking of flying here to see you face to face to get you to sign the papers. He panicked, apparently having been in on the lie from the get go.”