Avow

by Holly Mortimer

  “Your ex-fiancé?”

  I turned to fully face him and picked up one of his hands. “I’m going to fast track the rest of the story. I got better, slowly started believing we were over and becoming close with the man who was my father’s right hand guy. He took me to all my appointments, helped me through my heartbreak and defended me to my father. Years later, so he told me recently, my father purchased me a ring and gave it to Richard to propose. He told him I had already thought it would be a great idea.

  “So, to make a long story less lame, all the treatments worked and things suddenly weren’t looking so dire. This was a year after I left. I was so sick, I didn’t have the energy to fight with anyone about you anymore, and life just kind of went on. I had figured you had decided that I had probably done you a favour by leaving and if that was the case, it was better this way. Fast forward six years and I was status quo, working for my father, pretending to want to be married to Richard, thinking of you every once in a while and definitely not rushing into getting a divorce, when it all came crashing back down.”

  I stopped and realized it was past noon and the tide was coming in and we needed to get back. Silently, I turned and grabbed his hand again, not willing to let our fragile connection disappear.

  “The cancer was back. I hadn’t been feeling well and a routine checkup came back with positive cancer cells. The nightmare that I thought was over had started again, and I went down the rabbit hole of treatment for another time. This time, I had no idea what to expect. If it can come back like this when my oncologist said they’d gotten it all and there was no reason for me not to live a long, healthy life, then who is to say it won’t happen over and over again.”

  We picked up the pace, in a race against the tide and our time together in general. “So, yeah, the cancer was back and I fought once again and here I am, another few years later, waiting to see if I’m officially in remission again. No one knows how long I’ll be around for. Could be twenty years, or twenty weeks.”

  He grabbed my hand and started to speak, but I cut him off and finished my tale.

  “So, after my treatments for this round were over and I had once again beaten cancer, I made a decision to finally get a divorce. It was time to stop nurturing that tiny little microscopic corner of my heart that thought maybe one day, you and I would reconcile and try this again. I needed to break completely clean of you and let both of us turn our lives towards whatever path they were going to lead us down. You need to be free to remarry one day and have that family you always talked about, and I need to get out from under my father’s rule and see the world.”

  We arrived back at the car just in time to watch the water creep back in. “So, here I am. We are now officially divorced. I broke up with Richard over the phone this morning and have emailed my father my change of plans. All missions have been accomplished.”

  He just stood there and stared at me, not saying anything, but I could see a million things flying through his eyes. He abruptly turned and headed into the driver’s side. “Let’s go. What’s the name of the bed and breakfast?”

  “Ryan. Wait.”

  Chapter 14

  Chloe

  He slammed the door shut and rested his hands on the frame, hanging his head between them. He said nothing for a minute, then raised his head and looked right through me into my soul, shouting, “I’m fucking done waiting, Chloe! I’ve been waiting for you for ten, long fucking years. And now, when you’re standing here right in front of me, telling me this story, all I can think about is how pissed off I am. It’s my turn to speak, you’ve said your share. Now, you’re going to hear me out.”

  He got in the car and I assumed he wanted me to follow, although at this point, it looked like ten years of assumptions weren’t doing me much good. It looked like another case of my father controlling my life had once again destroyed something good. I trudged over to the door and got in, not sure I really wanted to. He was right. It was his turn to talk and he deserved every feeling he had right now. I just wasn’t sure I had the emotional courage to handle everything he might throw at me. I had to stick to my plan. He could kick and scream all he wanted, but he needed to move forward without me. I was always going to be a ticking time bomb, and the sooner he got that through his thick skull the better off we both would be. The problem was, my resolve had quite a large weak spot and it was currently inside the car, fuming and ready for its greatest attack.

  I buckled up and turned to face him. “Are we driving or doing this in here?”

  He didn’t answer, but threw the car and reverse and we were off on the road again. Not wanting to poke the bear in the woods, I stayed silent, wondering where we were headed. We couldn’t have it out in the bed and breakfast, that was for sure. I would be thrown right back out again.

  After thirty minutes of following the coast, he turned inland and we travelled for another thirty minutes, finally slowing to turn into a narrow dirt road, twisting and turning along the barely there path until around a bend, our destination came into view.

  It was a castle, mostly still intact, but with gaping holes where ivy had taken over. It stood atop a low hill, proudly overlooking a small lake and eerily standing guard out there on its own. We parked the car and Ryan got out, so I quickly followed him. We were here at this place for a reason, and I was eager to find out what it was.

  He rested his hips against the hood of the car and relaxed his body back, looking straight ahead. “This ruin has been a favourite place of mine since I was a child. I’m sorry, but I’ve kind of driven us back towards home again. I grew up around here and first came with my school. The silence and protection this place offered me as a young boy was often what I craved, so after discovering it, I would ride my bike here whenever things needed to get sorted out inside my head.”

  He held out his hand to me, “Come.” Mesmerized by the land and the castle and him, I took hold of him and let him guide me around the hole in the fence and up the hill towards the castle itself. When we reached the top, he led me around to the other side and my breath caught at the magnificence of the earth around me. The rear of the castle held a quiet mystery to it, but here at the front was the reason someone had decided to plant this place here.

  You could see all around for miles. A panoramic view of the emerald green of Ireland.

  Immediately in front of us there was a lake, and off in the distance you could make out the divided farmlands, with sheep and horses and cows, grazing in their fields. The lands were dotted with small farmhouses and the odd tractor was out working away. There were variations of green as far as you could see, broken by the lake and the ocean in the very far distance. This, right here, was the heart of Ireland, and the heart of the man I loved.

  I followed him into the ruins, carefully stepping over moss covered rock and ducking under low hanging doorways. We wound our way through the castle until we came to a narrow staircase that had most of its stairs intact. We went up single file until we came to a landing off to the side. It was barely big enough for the both of us but lead into a larger room that overlooked the lake. We stood side by side, vying for position to be able to take in the amazing view. It was nothing short of spectacular.

  I turned from the view to find Ryan sitting on a ledge, staring at me. I moved to sit beside him and dared to rest my head against his shoulder.

  “When I woke up the next morning and reached for you, only to come up empty handed, I went nuts. I called you, I drove around looking for you, I thought you were in trouble. When I finally found your note, I dove into a depression no one could pull me out of for quite some time. I drank every day away and raged through each night. I called your cell, I texted, I even wrote letters to your dad, trying to find out if he knew where you were.”

  Shit, it was so much worse than what I’d feared. “Ryan, I—”

  “Stop. It’s my turn to speak.” He turned and looked out the window, leaving me feeling like we would never be able to fix t
his. “It took me around a year to start to believe you weren’t coming back, then I got the separation papers along with a lovely letter from your father. My father-in-law, actually, which is really quite funny looking back. He told me you weren’t coming back. You had realized we were just being young and stupid and please, won’t you sign these separation papers.”

  I wanted so badly to freak out, but I knew it wasn’t what we both needed right at this moment. There would be time later for me to let my father know just how much I hated him.

  “When I got those papers, I just threw them in the garbage, cleaned myself up and decided that this would be my last fuck-you to your father. I wasn’t going to sign them and that made him crazy. He continuously sent me letters, and orders and whatever else he could think of to throw at me, but until I heard it from your mouth, I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction. And I slowly moved on.

  “I got the job at the pub. I began to date again, just casually, but just put myself out there to see what would happen. But I never forgot about you. I thought about you all the time, until even that faded.”

  He got up and started pacing in the small space. I gave him some time to come to terms with whatever it was that was happening inside his stubborn head. He finally came to rest standing directly in front of me. He crouched down and rested his hands on my knees, imploring me to pay attention.

  “When you showed up this week, it was like a ghost had come back from the dead. Funny thing was, I thought I had moved on, but it turns out I so totally hadn’t. When I saw you again, all the reasons I had fallen in love with you when we were teenagers ran out of the locked room I had them stored in, and I was right back where I had started. Except for the part where you have cancer, and my worst nightmare has come true.”

  He shifted slightly inwards, bringing our faces close enough I could feel the anger on his breath. “Chloe, I’m mad as hell at you right now. Like, beyond angry, and you might think you know why, but I bet you’re wrong.”

  I didn’t know if I was supposed to guess, but it turned out, I was just supposed to continue listening.

  “I’m your husband. Well, I was until yesterday, anyway. Do you remember our vows? I don’t know about you, but when I say a vow, it’s permanent. Through sickness and health, or something like that. But you didn’t let me be there, did you? You took that choice away from me and made it for me. I am so fucking angry about that.”

  I could feel his hands clenching my knees and knew we had reached the real depth of his emotions. “Chloe, you went through that without your husband. Without me! What kind of man am I that I didn’t recognize your father’s dirty tricks to keep you from me? I didn’t push to see you, I just accepted his explanation and gave up.”

  I reached out and cupped his cheek and was so grateful he let me. I really didn’t know what words to give him to ease his pain, so I slid down in front of him until we were both kneeling on the rocky floor.

  “Ryan, sweetheart, we both made mistakes, but no one more than me. I had always just accepted that my father would win, and thinking I was doing the right thing, I let him. But it’s done, baby. Don’t let him win again. I’m alive. The cancer is gone for now and I’m here to let you know I didn’t stop loving you either. I haven’t been with anyone since our wedding night. I couldn’t do it. I’ve always loved you and only you.”

  I couldn’t hold anything in any longer. I crushed my lips against his, tasting the wetness and salt from the air around us. He palmed the back of my head and pulled, effectively sealing our lips and keeping me right where he wanted me. His lips parted and I had a taste of what I had been dreaming about and craving for ten years. He had been so lost to me, but now, here in this magical place, I could find the real him one last time.

  His aggression nearly knocked me backwards, and after some shifting, we finally found some leverage on the sharp and painful rock floor. I wrapped my hands around his neck and entwined my fingers into the curling tendrils at the nape of his neck. . I loved those curls. I loved everything about this man.

  Our tongues tangled and fought for control, rolling and dancing in and towards each other. His hands slid from the cheeks on my face, down to the cheeks of my ass, grabbing hold and pushing us closer together. I could feel his desire, and it seemed like everything about him was ready to move the kiss to the next level. Just when I thought this was going somewhere amazing, he pulled away and rested his forehead on mine.

  I slowly slid my hands from around his neck towards his chest, taking my time to remind myself how he felt. He was broad and muscular. Each inch of his body that I dragged my hands across reminded me of what I had given up.

  “Chloe, I need to get us out of here. You’re definitely going to have to cancel that reservation, because I’m going to need you tonight. I’m thinking I’m going to need you a lot, and badly.”

  He pulled away and tilted my head so we could look into each other’s eyes. “Did you really not date anyone all this time? What about Richard?”

  I pulled us up to standing. “Let’s talk about that in the car on the way to your place. We must multitask if we are going to get everything done we need to.”

  He finally gave me one of the things I had been missing the most, his smile. He had a great sense of humour and had always been able to make me laugh and smile, and I had loved listening to him laugh. His laugh was the thing I loved most about him.

  Together, we silently agreed to hastily head back to the car so we could see what our one last night together was going to look like. The terrain made hurrying a little challenging, but after a few missteps, we finally made it back to the car.

  He threw it in gear and we bolted out of the makeshift parking space towards home.

  Chapter 15

  Ryan

  I drove like a maniac the thirty minute drive back to my place, wishing now, for the first time, that I didn’t live above the pub. Everyone in our tiny village and beyond was nosy. Somehow, someone would see us arrive back and start the old Irish gossip tree. I would have to start caring about that another day. I was finally going to make love to the woman I loved all these years. Not some fumbled attempt to have like the last time.

  Ten years is a long time to wait for somebody. She kind of freaked me out with that one. Not because I didn’t think it was amazing, but more because I couldn’t claim the same fidelity. I had always enjoyed women and when I didn’t think we were ever getting back together, I will admit to some intermittent man whoring.

  I cursed the Irish roads and the fact the rental agency only had a manual transmission as there was no way I was able to hold her hand to reassure her everything was going to be fine. Of course, that would just be an empty promise. I didn’t know what the hell was going to happen. All I knew was that, in the next ten hours, I was going to do everything I had been wanting to do to her for the past ten years. I wasn’t letting anything stop me from getting her naked in my flat.

  It was all I could let myself think of, ’cause the alternative was too crappy to consider. She had cancer. She had been suffering alone with only that bastard of a dad to get her through the most dark and painful periods of her life. I had failed her, and now I had signed those damn papers and failed her again.

  We finally pulled into the pub and parked around back. I jumped out of the car and ran around the front to help her out, but she was just sitting there, staring at her hands. Walking slowly to her door so I didn’t frighten her with my eagerness, I opened it and crouched down, grabbing one of her hands in both of mine.

  “Chloe? What’s wrong?”

  At first I didn’t think she was going to say anything, but she suddenly turned to face me. “Ryan, what if I can’t leave? I don’t know if I’m strong enough to walk away after tonight.”

  Fuck. She was still thinking we were going to stay divorced because of some distorted sense of valor on my behalf. So not happening. She was back, she was mine, she was staying if I had to tie her to my bed, which
in hindsight sounded like a fine idea.

  I didn’t give her a response or time to think any more about it. I stood up and pulled her out of the car. It may have been caveman like, but I totally didn’t give a shit. I pulled her out of the way, slammed the car door, locked it and half ushered, mostly pushed her towards the stairs ahead of us. I switched spots with her and pulled her up the stairs with me until we reached my door. Opening it, I urged her inside and shut the door so I could at least slow her down should she decide to pull a runner.

  “Ryan, I—”

  I didn’t give her time to finish her sentence. I plowed into her, trapping her up against the wall while simultaneously molding myself to her with my mouth. Her hands flew up as if they were going to push me away, but I caught them midflight and laced her fingers with mine.

  Deepening the kiss, I slowly inched our hands upward until I had them pinned against the wall above her head. A soft sigh escaped her mouth and I knew I was almost there. Somehow, I just had to get her to the bedroom, so I could properly finish what we had started all those years ago.

  She squirmed beneath me and I tried to steady her with my hips, but it only seemed to agitate her more. It could have been that my dick was hard as a rock and currently trying to maneuver its way into her pelvis.

  Our breathing became erratic, and if I wasn’t careful I was going to come in my pants with my teenage sweetheart. She was so tiny from being so sick that I was easily able to pick her up and was pleasantly surprised when she instantly wrapped her legs around my waist. Not waiting for her to change her mind, I swung us around and headed down the hall to the bedroom.

  I set her gently down on the bed and tried my best to not smother her as I lay down beside her.