Avow

by Holly Mortimer

“Ryan, I’m not going to break. I’m totally fine.”

  “But—”

  The little minx shocked the shit out of me by grabbing a hold of my shirt and fusing herself to me, pelvis first. I guess she was done being unsure and I got the signal loud and clear. All systems go, do not be gentle. At least, that was my interpretation.

  I sat up and took off my shirt, reaching down to do the same for her. God, this was really happening. I had been waiting for this moment for so long. I ran my hands down the soft skin of her body, letting one slip beneath her waistband.

  She giggled. “Tickles,” came her muffled voice from inside our kiss. She slid her hands down over the planes of my back, and into my jeans, grabbing my ass and pushing my pelvis forward to move against her. She pushed my jeans and boxers down off of me, letting my dick break free like it had been dying to do for so long.

  Her quiet moans filled the silent room and I quickly flipped us so she was on top and I could unbutton her jeans for her. Slowly, I opened the button, pulled down her zipper and slid my hands inside, kneading her rear and rubbing up against her like a schoolboy, being careful not to get anything caught in her zipper! There was no way I was going to be able to wait much longer. I wanted it to be amazing for her first time back in the saddle, so to speak, but amazing was going to have to take a back seat to what was necessary right now, and it was necessary that I find a condom and get it on as quickly as possible.

  I rolled her again and reached overtop into my side drawer, trying not to feel like a jerk for having a drawer full of condoms right here beside my bed. I opened the packet, rolled one on and got back to the business of making love to my wife. There could be no way a lawyer had gotten a hold of those papers yet. I’m sure we were good for another few days at least.

  She slid under me, wrapping her arms around my waist and resting her face against my chest. We stayed like that for a minute, taking in the big deal that was about to happen. Then, I couldn’t take it slow anymore. I was about to undo her bra, when she stilled my hands.

  “Ryan, um, I’ve had reconstruction, but there are things that just aren’t the same. You can leave my bra on if you want. I’ll understand.”

  I slowly reached around her and undid her bra, sliding it down her arms and discarding it on the floor. Holding her stare, I let my hands drift over her breasts, marvelling at her courage. I bent down, kissing my way down her chest, stopping to make sure she knew how grateful I was to have her here with me. I kissed and nipped my way around her breast, moving over to the over side only after I had completely covered every square inch.

  A lone tear slid down her face and she tried to speak.

  “Don’t,” I said.

  She settled her eyes closed and lifted her hands above her head, signaling approval to move forward.

  Off came her tiny, sweet undies and then it was my turn to pause. Her body had changed so much. She had lost so much weight, ribs and hip bones protruded. I could see scars from surgeries and suddenly my heart was having a hard time convincing my dick to proceed. I had fucked up royally. I should have been there for her, but instead I was pretending like she had never existed.

  Her hand came up under my chin and gently tugged my face back up to hers.

  “Hey, stop. Ryan? It’s okay. I know it’s shocking but I’m fine.”

  “But Chlo—”

  “You can start tomorrow feeding me Irish breakfasts and all the amazing food I love here and I’ll be back to good before you know it.” She leaned in and placed a soft, lingering kiss on the corner of my mouth, slowly moving towards the centre. “Now, I believe we have something we need to get done here.”

  If she could do it, so could I. I just needed to make sure I was gentle.

  “And don’t you dare go easy on me. I’ve been imagining this moment for a long, long time.”

  Fine, if that was the way she wanted it, who was I to deny her? I stayed on my side, but pulled her to deepen the kiss, while sliding my free hand down her side, finding its mark fairly quickly.

  Her tiny intake of breath was all the incentive I needed to slip one finger inside her while pressing my hips into hers. I tried my best to mirror my tongue and my fingers in order to maximize the effect, but I was quickly off the mark when she started squirming below me. I was going to have to speed things up if I was going to save myself from embarrassment, coming in the condom before anything really happened.

  I managed to shift a bit and pulled my thumb into the action. Her arms lazily lifted up and over her head while her hips arched off the bed. I dropped my head to her collar bone and softly kissed a path along the elegant dips and curves, slowly moving down even further, while still maintaining my rhythm where it really counted.

  Her sighs and increasing squirming signalled she was getting close, so I stayed put once I had reached her breasts. Pulling one nipple into my mouth, I gently tugged it until I had achieved the desired effect and her entire body arched off the bed while she silently released her orgasm. Her beautiful, quiet moans filled the space around me, reaching inside me to flip a switch that had long since been stuck in the off position.

  Her arms drifted down towards me, her touch igniting every part of me she touched. I couldn’t wait any longer and was done with being gentle. I opened her legs for her and slowly inched myself inside. She relaxed, and desire mixed with instinct took over. I was a man possessed, and even though I was terrified she was going to try to leave me in the morning, I surged ahead. It certainly wasn’t going to take long. It was like I had reverted back to my teenaged self and I was minute man all over again. It was becoming really hard to care.

  She smiled up at me and I stilled, marveling at what was about to happen. She was finally back. She brought me out of my stupor with a gentle, not so subtle nudge of her hips.

  “Sorry, Chlo. I’m just, well—”

  “Shut up, Ryan.”

  I did just that. And it was amazing.

  Chapter 16

  Chloe

  The sun hit my eyelids, forcing me to make a choice. It wouldn’t be the only one I had to make today, but it would probably be the easiest. Open my eyes, or keep them closed. Opening my eyes would be forcing me to wake up and figure out my life. Keeping them closed meant I could hide away from my problems for a little while longer. But opening them would also mean I could take in all that was Ryan, lying naked and peaceful beside me.

  I had finally done it. I had finally given in to my raging hormones and had sex with him. But now, in the blazing light of day, I wasn’t so sure I had made the right decision. The fact of the matter still held, I wasn’t going to be able to give him what he needed from a wife. He could crow all he wanted about making his own choices as to who he wanted and what he needed from a wife, but that didn’t matter much. I’d rarely met a man who had stellar long-term vision.

  I wasn’t a woman who shied away from making the hard decisions, so I opened my eyes. A pair of beautiful green eyes I had never forgotten were staring back at me.

  “Hey,” he whispered.

  “Hey yourself.” I inched a little closer to him savouring the last few moments I would have in this bed with him.

  “Want breakfast?”

  “Sure.” I figured I would extend the need for heartbreak a little longer. And hey, a girl’s gotta eat.

  He closed the short distance between us with a soft, gentle kiss that I desperately wanted to deepen, but knew better. I settled my hands flat against his sculpted chest, copping just the tiniest of a feel, and kept us locked in that position. “I’ll go to the bathroom and get presentable, you go get breakfast started.”

  I could see in his eyes he totally wanted to argue, but thought better of it. He rolled off the bed, deliberately naked and proud of it, strolling out towards the kitchen to prepare breakfast at the risk of injuring his essential body parts. Damn, he didn’t play fair. It wasn’t going to be easy to give that ass up.

  I slipped into the bathroom, lug
ging my purse and my pile of discarded clothes with me. I brushed my teeth with my fingers, splashed some water on my face and ran my fingers through my hair, pulling it up into a loose topknot. I had two tasks that I was avidly procrastinating doing. First off, I needed to check my phone. I had shut it off yesterday when I had decided to stay a while longer. Now I needed to turn it back on and face the wrath of my father and his minion, Richard.

  Secondly, I needed to figure out what my next moves were and how I could execute them without crippling both of us. I wasn’t sure which task was worse, but I was going to go with my phone.

  It started dancing across the counter as soon as I switched it on. I figured if I just stared at it long enough, whatever it had to say would disappear. Quickly grabbing it, I unlocked it and dove into the seventh level of hell. First came the easy ones. The texts.

  There were a few from various acquaintances and then multiples from Richard. Where are you? When are you coming home? Why aren’t you getting back to me? When are we going to have dinner at Pazzo’s? Why hadn’t I seen it before? I had settled for him. He didn’t seem all that upset that I had cancelled my flights and stayed here and left him a break up message on his phone.

  Then a few from my father, but I knew he had saved his best work for my voice mail. He was above text messaging anybody. If they were of any worth to him, they would pick up the damn phone when he called.

  Message one was simple enough. “Where are you?” Then things escalated quickly.

  “Chloe, call me back at once.” Yup, this was getting more like it.

  “I expect you to call me within the hour, Chloe. Don’t let my expectations down.” And almost there…

  “Right, well, if you’re off on one of your flights of fancy, we need to talk immediately. Richard is here, and I have told him to move forward with the wedding planning on his own. I have it all arranged. Once the papers get here, we will have the lawyers draw up your new agreements and you and Richard can make it official. I’ll give you a couple days to get over this whim you’re on and will be expecting your text when you touch down.”

  Then nothing. He just hung up. If I wasn’t so attached to my phone I would have flung it at the wall with all that I had. “FUCK!”

  A soft knock on the door followed my outburst. “Chloe? You okay?”

  I took a deep breath, and opened the door. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

  “It didn’t sound like it. I think I’ve only heard you swear a handful of times. Did you hurt yourself?”

  He scanned my body for immediate and obvious injuries. Thankfully, he had gotten half-dressed so it wasn’t going to be as hard rejecting him. “No, Ryan. I’m not hurt, just a bit frustrated. So, is breakfast ready?”

  He looked like he was debating pressing me, so I pushed past him, trying to collect my thoughts before I let my father and Ryan’s will overpower me. I flung my still vibrating phone on the bed and walked out of the room, down the short hall to the kitchen. The smell of coffee relaxed me and I took a seat at the breakfast bar, adding cream and sugar to my cup.

  “It’s a real treat to see 10% cream here. It’s so hard to get it.”

  “Yeah, Brennan has it on hand for Sam, so the rest of us benefit from that arrangement. You wanna tell me what that outburst was about?”

  “Not really.”

  He moved closer, crowding me in from behind. I could feel him behind me, his heat leaping from him to warm my skin. “Tell me, Chloe.”

  Oh God. My head tilted towards my ear on its own accord, offering him a clear path to my neck. His nose bent to trail along my hairline, down my neck, ending in a kiss at the base. He didn’t fight fair either. I had lost my focus from yesterday, and chasing it didn’t seem high on my agenda right now.

  It was time. I wasn’t going to let my father win, but I wasn’t going to let Ryan lose either. He needed to be free. I needed to make sure he believed I was going back to get married, even though I had no intention of ever returning home. I took one last heavenly sip of coffee and started to break us both in two for the second time.

  “I’m leaving Ryan. My father has made my marriage arrangements, as soon as the signed papers arrive, we can elope,” I lied. “I had an amazing time last night, and couldn’t think of a more perfect way to say goodbye. You must see this, Ryan. You must see that there is no future with me, right?”

  Both of his arms surrounded me, trapping me in on either side. “You’re not leaving me again.” His voice was low, and menacing and sent a delicious shiver down my spine. “You’re mine, you know that, right? He’s never getting his hands on you again.”

  “Who?”

  “Your dad, your supposed ex-fiancé. Doesn’t matter. No one touches you again, but me.” He removed a hand and lazily trailed it down my back, settling it on my hip, where it burned my body.

  I tried to get up, but he applied enough pressure between his hand and the rest of his body pressed against mine that I couldn’t move without dropping to the floor and crawling away, taking my dignity with me.

  “Ryan, there’s nothing you can say or do to change my mind. I made it up ten years ago and it hasn’t changed.” I managed to turn on the stool to face him, thinking that looking at him might make my words more effective. All it did was make things a whole lot more difficult for me. I reached up with my hand to cup his cheek and closed my eyes, trying to block out what I could see there.

  “You have to let me go, Ryan. After all this time, isn’t it clear to you? I’m not the one meant for you. Go, find her, make beautiful babies with her. Live and see yourself reflected in your child’s eyes. I can’t give you that, and we both know you deserve all of that and more.” A lonely tear escaped from my eye, winding its way down to drop off the edge of my chin.

  “Ryan, I’m going to be selfish here. I need you to give this to me. I need to know you’re going to give this new life a chance. It’s the only way we can finally be free. I worry about you day in and day out. I worry you’ll never let yourself feel something for another out of some stupid sense of honour. Well, I release you from it all.” I smiled through the river of tears that had now escaped. “Don’t you see? With me here, you can’t ever let yourself really be happy. You’ll always be wondering when the cancer is going to come back and how can you protect me from it. I know you. I know you think you can find a way to beat it. But let me tell you, you can’t. But you don’t need to protect me anymore, my love. I’ve got this. I can’t beat it physically, but I can beat it mentally. And it’s time for me to fly. I’m leaving you. I’ve decided I’m leaving my father and leaving all my commitments behind and taking off. Once I leave here, I’ve made the list complete. I can leave you in peace, knowing you’ll find your right path.”

  His arms had slackened and I took advantage of it, rising and grabbing my purse off the counter while I swept by him to the door. He didn’t move. Just stood in that space, arms dropped to his sides, head hung low. I couldn’t go back to kiss him goodbye. It wasn’t fair to either of us.

  I turned the door, heading out to find my way, turning back to whisper, “I love you,” and then shutting the door on a broken man, broken dreams and wondering how in the world I was going to survive without him.

  Chapter 17

  Chloe

  The sound of crashing glass from inside the apartment mirrored the sound of the ocean waves that met me at the bottom of the stairs. I raced to my car, trying not to let my heart convince my brain to turn around. This would be the hardest part. The leaving for good. I wouldn’t get another chance, another goodbye, another kiss.

  I got in my car and peeled out of the parking lot, not entirely sure where I was headed, but it had to be far and it had to be fast. I wasn’t sure how he was going to react and whether or not he was done with me as I wanted him to be, or if he would try to find me.

  It took a little while for the tears to stop flowing, but after a while, they began to slow. Later still, my heart rate started to return to
normal and after a much longer while, my stomach stopped hurting. “Shit,” I whispered to the car. “This is so going to suck for a long freaking time.”

  I pulled into the lot that serviced Inch Beach. This had always been one of my favourite spots in all of Ireland and I knew the strong winds here would help to clear my mind. I needed a few minutes to figure out what my next move was going to be.

  I parked and got out, loving the instant gusts of wind on my face forcing me to control my breathing. I found a spot to sit and just took in the serenity that was this beach. There were a few windsurfers out, along with a pile of regular surfers taking advantage of the warm, windy day.

  I had grabbed my phone from the car and decided to brave the on switch for the second time this morning. Once again, it went nuts when it finally loaded all the messages. Lots from my father, which was a new thing, a few from Richard and friends, but nothing from Ryan. I don’t know what I was hoping for. He was following the plan just as I had asked him to. The fact that I was pissed he hadn’t reached out to me was so selfish on my part.

  It was time to move on. I got up and headed back to the car, shut the phone down again and pulled out onto the Wild Atlantic Way, heading north, destination unknown.

  Ryan

  I threw the glass I was holding against the brick of the ancient fireplace in my flat, not getting any satisfaction from the resounding crash and splintering of glass all over the floor.

  “FUCK! What the fuck just happened?”

  One minute my life was just as I wanted it to be, then I leave the room and it’s déjà vu and I’m eighteen and my wife has left me…again. Except this time, it was for good. I’d signed the damn papers, I no longer had any claim to her and what’s worse, she got it in her fucked up head that she’s not good for me and took off to God knows where, with no one to take care of her…again.

  I wanted to storm after her, but I was in such a state of shock I couldn’t make myself move. Until the glass breaking incident, of course. The realization of what had happened finally kicked me in the ass. On the off chance she was still around, I ran out of the door to find a near empty parking lot. I kicked the wall and instantly regretted that idiotic move, as my big toe nearly broke in two.