In A Heartbeat (The Shameful Regret Series)

by King, Liz

  I scurry down the hall and run into the restroom and right into a stall. I shake my head to try to clear the fuzziness. I take care of my business and splash some water on my face to try to cool my flaming cheeks. I take a few deep breaths before I walk back into the hallway. It’s starting to get late, and I’m hoping that Michelle and Gabbi will be ready to leave soon. My night has been eventful enough; I don’t think I can take anymore.

  Okay, just get to the tables and tell Michelle you’re ready to go. You came out, had a drink, and spent some time in the real world. That should make her happy. I talk to myself as I’m weaving around people, I don’t notice that damn man is still leaning against the wall where I left him until I’m right in front of him again. He has his hands in the pockets of his jeans, and one leg is bent with his foot braced on the bricks behind him. My steps falter as I take in the sight before me. His jeans are stretched tight over his thighs, those rips showing off the tan skin underneath. His arms shoot out lightening fast as he grabs my waist to steady me again.

  My hands come up to rest on his strong chest as he chuckles “Well, well, you seem to be falling for me, aren’t you sweetness?” He looks down at me, and my breath leaves my body in a rush. He knows what he’s doing to me, even though I’m not sure what that is myself. “Since you can’t seem to stay on your feet without me, allow me to escort you back.” He says as he attempts to guide me down the hall with his hand still around my waist.

  Words fail me as I let him lead me. I look up to see Michelle wearing the biggest grin on her face and her eyes are as wide as saucers as she takes in my companion. I cringe because I know what’s coming. “Nae-Nae! Where have you been! And who is your friend?” she shrieks when we get to the table. She is beyond tipsy but she knows exactly who my “friend” is.

  “Damn it Michelle, stop calling me that! I’m ready to go. Are you coming with me? Where’s Gabbi?” I quickly snap reaching for my clutch on the table. I turn to hear Mr. Brooding Stare laughing at me. I’m sure he thinks Michelle’s nickname for me is ridiculous.

  Michelle is still smiling like an idiot looking at my “friend” when she reaches her hand out to introduce herself. She is completely ignoring my questions. “Hello there, I’m Michelle. And you are…” she tilts her head to the side. I can’t believe she is flirting with him! Can’t she see how uncomfortable I am?

  The deep voice behind me sounds too close. “I’m Connor, Connor Reeves. Thanks for coming out to see the band tonight.” He says leaning over my shoulder as he extends his right hand out to shake Michelle’s hand. His left hand is still placed firmly on the small of my back. Connor stands back up behind me, but leans down and whispers in my ear “Nae-Nae, can I talk you into a dance before you leave?”

  Chills run down my spine, but I try not to let him see me shiver. I move away from his touch and turn to face him. “My name is Lynae, not Nae-Nae, and no, I’m sorry, but I’m just leaving.”

  Connor smiles at me and takes two steps towards me, erasing the space gained between us by my two steps back. “Babe, just one little dance. I’m sure you can wait five more minutes before you head home. Besides, I don’t see, what was her name? Gabbi? You have to wait on her if y’all are leaving. Right, Michelle?” He asks her without looking away from me.

  Connor doesn’t wait for an answer, he takes my clutch out of my hand, gives it to Michelle, and leads me to the dance floor. He keeps his hand on my back as we weave through the crowd. The DJ has taken over the music again. Obviously, because the lead singer of the band that was playing tonight is currently standing directly behind me, and when I say directly behind me, I mean his chest pressed against my back. The safe feeling I had before is coming back to me. I can’t explain it.

  I turn around to face him; I guess I’m just going to have to get this over with. One dance won’t kill me. Besides, this should get Michelle and Gabbi to leave me alone for a while. Not only did I go out with them tonight, I actually interacted with someone other than them, my coworkers, and patients.

  Just because I don’t go out and dance, doesn’t mean I can’t dance. Back home, Sly and I would dance around my house all the time, and I do go to this amazing hip-hop aerobics class at the gym. I have hips, and I know how to move them. I start moving to the music. I’m not sure what song is playing, but I can move to just about anything. I try to keep my distance, I’m not sure if I would be comfortable with his hands on me anymore than they already were.

  Connor grins down and stalks closer to me. He has other ideas in mind. He grabs my hips and pulls them flush against him. Connor bends his knees slightly and moves one of his legs between my legs and gyrates in sync with my body. This man can dance. I wouldn’t have thought that a man who sings with a rocker edge to him could move to this type of music. I tentatively put my hands up on his arms. I can feel the strength of his muscles in his thick biceps as he moves his arms around my waist to hold my hips closer to him.

  I close my eyes. I let the music wash over me. I go back to a time when I could feel free and happy. I inhale a deep breath and I can’t believe how good Connor smells. He has this musky, clean scent. I can’t describe it other than it being the smell of a “man.” His cologne is strong, but it seems also that I smell something that is distinctly him. I tilt my head back going with the flow of the music. I can do this, I feel safe in his arms.

  Connor is holding me close. His left hand grips tightly to my hip as his right hand is moving up my side over my ribs. I keep my eyes closed trying to live in the moment. Suddenly my eyes snap open and my heart is pounding in my throat. Connor has moved his hand to rest right above my collarbone. His thumb is on one side of my neck and the rest of his hand is on the other side. It feels as if someone has just poured ice water on me. My spine becomes ramrod straight. I have a ringing in my ears. My breathing becomes shallow. I feel faint, and I can feel the tears pricking at the corners of my eyes. I’ve stopped moving.

  “Lynae, babe. What’s wrong?” I vaguely hear Connor asking me, but it sounds like I’m under water. It’s not his face that I see when I look up. It’s dark brown eyes and shaggy blonde hair that is staring down at me in my mind, and I have the same fear that I felt eight years ago. Connor has a strong hold on my shoulders. He’s moved his hands from my hip and neck, and he’s looking at me like I’m crazy. His eyes are searching mine.

  “NO!” I scream and yank my body away from him. I run through the crowd on the dance floor, bumping into people as I try desperately to get away. I burst out the doors of the club. Luckily a cab is already idling at the curb. I hop in and tell the driver where to take me. My entire body is shaking. I can’t make it stop.

  The cab pulls to a stop in front of my building. Luckily, I stashed a couple of twenty-dollar bills in my bra before we left the house. I didn’t want to be without money if my clutch got misplaced. I hand the money over to the driver and climb out. Shit! I don’t have my keys! I go through the doors to my apartment building, get on the elevator and ride up to the fifth floor. Mrs. James should be up still. That woman never sleeps.

  I knock on my neighbor’s door and step back to wait. She comes to the door a few seconds later. It doesn’t appear that I have woken her up. “Mrs. James, I left my keys at Michelle’s house, can you let me in with my spare?” I ask. I’m hoping my voice isn’t wavering as I try not to look her in the eye. I’ve managed to keep the tears at bay for now. My chest still feels tight. I can still feel his hand around my neck.

  Mrs. James smiles knowingly, she doesn’t ask me any questions. She just reaches over to the hooks beside her door and hands me my spare key. I mumble my thanks to her and head next door to my apartment.

  I let myself in, lock the door behind me and sink to the floor. I curl up into a tight ball and the tears begin to fall. My chest is heaving as my sobs rack through my body. It feels like I’m right back in my room eight years ago.

  Chapter Five

  At some point during the night I made it back to my bedroom. I am still in
my clothes from the previous night and lying only under the comforter on the bed. I lift my head off the pillow as I hear a loud banging on my bedroom door.

  “Lynae! Open the damn door right now!” Michelle yells through the door. She used my actual name. She’s pissed.

  Why is she banging on my door instead of just barging in like she usually does? She has a key to my apartment and always makes herself at home. I turn my head in the direction of the door and notice that for some reason I had turned the lock. I crawl out of bed and shake my head. “I’m coming! Hang on!”

  I make my way into the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. My eyes are red and puffy. “Oh God!” I groan. I sink to the floor remembering my breakdown last night and start shaking. I can’t let Michelle see me like this. She doesn’t know about Matt. Hell, Sly doesn’t even know what happened, and he was one of the first people I saw after it happened. He only knows that we went on a few dates, and then I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. Luckily I only had to endure seeing Matt at school for a few months before he graduated and moved away. Sly became the only male friend that I would allow near me.

  I splash some water on my face to calm myself down. I quickly strip out of my wrinkled clothes. A pair of yoga pants and a cami are laying draped across the footboard of my bed, so I pull those on and walk out to an angry Michelle pacing my living room floor.

  “What the fuck happened to you last night? I mean, seriously!” She starts in on me until she sees my face. “Oh my God! Lynae! Have you been crying? What happened?” she asks running over to me grabbing my hands.

  Well, I guess my eyes are still puffy. “Um, nothing. I just had to get away that’s all. Nothing happened.” I try to play it off. “I had a really bad headache and my feet were killing me.”

  Michelle doesn’t look like she’s buying my lies. She guides me to sit down on the sofa, still holding my hand. “Connor, I think that was his name, came over and said you flipped out and took off running. What did that bastard do to you? I swear! If he touched you, I’ll kick his ass!” she growls.

  I lean my head back on the sofa and sigh. I can’t tell her what happened. I honestly don’t understand it myself. I was just dancing, trying to let myself go. I had initially felt this safe feeling with Connor’s hands on me. I felt protected. I felt connected to him. I had a warm, secure feeling. My heart was fluttering, but not in panic or anxiety. The tingles along my spine were from excitement, not terror. Then, all of the sudden, I was seeing Matt’s face in front of me. I was feeling Matt’s hand around my neck. I shudder at the thought.

  “Connor didn’t do anything. Honestly. Michelle, I’m fine. Just let it go. I don’t wanna talk about it.” I beg her.

  Why did Connor feel the need to tell the girls I took off running? I vaguely remember him asking me what was wrong. It’s starting to come back to me. We were having fun. For the first time in a very long time, I didn’t feel like I had to hide myself away from a man. I felt like my walls could come down, even if just a little. Whatever connection I had felt with him, it doesn’t matter now. I won’t be seeing him again. Even if I did happen to run into him somewhere, I’m sure he would be running the other way and not look back. And why this is bothering me, I really don’t know. Do I want to see him again? Do I want to let him in? I think the answer to that is “Yes.”

  Michelle knows when to let things go with me. She knows that if I decide to bury a subject, I will not be revisiting it. “Okay bitch, let’s go running!” She grabs my hand and hauls me back off the couch.

  ~

  We run along the battery admiring the Charleston harbor. I love it down here. I always wanted to live close to the water. I was so happy when I got accepted to school here. I remember going to Charleston as a child with Momma. Her family was from this area.

  I’m not really into running, but I go along with it to make Michelle happy. I’ll walk along the beach or battery all day, but running is just a chore for me. Let me pound on a punching bag in my kickboxing class any day. I think those and my aerobic classes are what help me keep my curvy figure without actually being fat. After we complete our usual course, we stroll through Waterfront Park and plop down on a swing overlooking the water.

  “So, are you going to really tell me about it, or are you going to pretend that nothing happened last night?” Michelle asks. “I saw the way you were looking at him when he first started singing. I’ve never seen that look in your eyes before.”

  Great! So she did see, and now she doesn’t want to let it go. “I don’t know. I thought I felt something there for a moment, and then I realized it was nothing. My feet were bothering me, I was tired, and I didn’t want to make you leave. I knew you and Gabbi were having fun, and I was fine.” I lean my head on her shoulder and continue rocking the swing with my legs. “Let’s go get some greasy food! I feel the need for bacon and sausage and pancakes!”

  We head over to our favorite little breakfast café along the battery and grab a table outside. I want to enjoy the morning a little more before it gets too hot. Being right along the water, there is a bit of a breeze coming by, so it is actually comfortable right now. I also don’t think that the restaurant would appreciate us in our running shorts and tank tops inside. Our bodies are covered, but I think they would prefer real clothes as opposed to workout attire. On our walk over to the café from the pier, we called Gabbi to see if she wanted to join us, but she groaned some unrecognizable response and hung up on me. Oh well, she will miss out on the best cinnamon buns ever then.

  My phone buzzes on the table and I look down at the caller ID and see Sly’s squished face looking back at me. He thought it would be funny to take a picture of himself with his face smashed against a window to make it look like he was trapped inside my phone when his picture popped up. “Hey doll face!” I greet him with a mouth full of bacon. I’m not sure he can truly understand what I just said.

  “Woman! You coming to see me this weekend or not?” He asks loud enough for Michelle to hear too.

  Michelle snatches the phone out of my hand. “No, hot stuff! She’s mine this weekend! You can have her next weekend! I thought we worked out our joint custody agreement a while ago. I get her Labor Day weekend, and you get her over Thanksgiving weekend.”

  I love how my two friends think I’m their child to share sometimes. At first I thought Sly would be upset that I found someone to fit into the best friend roll here, but he accepted it perfectly. I think they secretly have a thing for each other, but neither one of them are willing to admit it, and with the distance issue, I can sort of understand why. I can hear Sly laughing on the other end. “Yes, dear. I remember now. You’ve just been hogging my girl and I miss her. You know, she can bring your annoying ass too! I can put up with you for a few days if need be.”

  Michelle and Sly continue to talk and I lean back in my seat to finish my breakfast. I ordered one of the giant cinnamon buns, and it has just arrived. I swear that these are the best cinnamon buns around. They are practically bigger than your head, and the icing is all gooey and melty! Yum!

  I barely wait for the waiter to set the plate down before I dig in and pull a large piece off. Just as I’m licking the icing off of my fingers I get a familiar tingle going down my spine. With my finger still in my mouth I look up and see Connor standing across the street staring at me. His eyes are burning like fire. He looks like he wants to devour me.

  Chapter Six

  What the hell is he doing here? What am I going to do? I have no clue! Michelle hands the phone back to me, completely oblivious to my anxiety level increasing by the second. Without breaking eye contact with Connor, I take the phone and put it up to my ear. “Alrighty sweet cheeks. Your evil twin says that she’s keeping you this weekend, but I’m off the weekend after next, and I’m coming out for a visit. Don’t miss me too much. Love you!” Sly tells me.

  “Love you too.” I quickly mumble and hang up the phone. I still haven’t torn my eyes away from Connor. He just keeps s
tanding there. His head is cocked to the side like he’s trying to figure something out.

  Michelle notices my distraction and looks in the direction that has captivated my attention. “Oh.” Is all she says. And I still haven’t stopped looking at him.

  A slow grin forms on Connor’s lips and he makes his way across the street to us. He doesn’t even look for traffic. He just starts walking even when a car leans on the horn as he walks directly in front of it. Suddenly he is standing directly in front of me looking down. “Sweetness.” He says and reaches his index finger to the corner of my mouth to wipe off some excess icing, then traces my bottom lip. Connor brings his finger up to his mouth and licks the icing off.

  Oh! Sweet! Lord! It may be possible for someone to spontaneously combust. I feel like I could burst into flames at this very moment. I sit there gaping at him. I still haven’t uttered a single word.

  Connor pulls the chair out from under the table beside us and flips it around straddling it. His jeans stretch across his thighs and he folds his tan forearms over the back. I see part of a tattoo sleeve peeking out from under his green t-shirt. The color really brings out his eyes and makes them stand out all the more. “If you aren’t going to finish that, I’ll be happy to help you out.” He smirks and pinches off a piece of my cinnamon bun.

  Michelle looks between the two of us. I’ve never seen her speechless before. The look on her face is priceless. She looks just as confused as I do. Why is he sitting here, taking my food? He should be running down the street as far away from me as possible. “I’m going to run inside for a minute and get some more coffee. I’ll leave you two alone to, uh, chat.” She hops out of her seat quickly and is through the doors before I have a chance to object.

  Damnit! She left me. She left me alone with him. “Hi.” I mumble and look down at my lap. I can’t look into his eyes when he is this close to me.

  “What happened to you last night, Lynae?” Connor takes his hand and tilts my chin up so I’m forced to look at him again. “You looked positively terrified.”