In A Heartbeat (The Shameful Regret Series)

by King, Liz

  As we walk into Sly’s room Connor pulls the door closed behind us. I’m not even thinking when I pull my shirt over my head on the way into the attached bathroom. I toss my shirt on the edge of the bed, then turn to grab my bag. That’s when I catch Connor staring at me with the most intense look I think I have seen on his face. I immediately attempt to cover myself with my arms, but it’s no use. I have too much going on up top for my arms to hide anything.

  “Sweetness, please go put something on, or I can’t be held responsible for my actions right now.” His voice sounds strained, and his eyes are boring into me.

  I race into the bathroom after yanking my bag off the floor. I’m running so fast that I trip on the floor mat, landing in my knees with a yelp. Connor is quickly in the door behind me. “I’m fine. Just tripped. Sorry.” I jump up, keeping my back to him. I sense him walk up behind me, I can feel his warm breath on my bare shoulders, his hands grasping my upper arms.

  “Running away from me again, babe?” He whispers in my ear, sending shivers down my spine. He brushes my hair to one side of my neck. “You never have to run from me.” Connor kisses the back of my neck. “Now get changed, so we can sleep.” Then he turns and leaves me standing there a quivering mess.

  Sweet Christ almighty! I was tired, but now my body is wired. All of my senses are on high alert after Connor’s lips and hands and words. I splash some cool water on my face to try to calm my nerves and racing heart. Tugging my nightshirt and sleep shorts on, I take care of my bedtime routine then head back out into the bedroom.

  Connor is already lying in bed on his side. He holds up the covers on the other side for me to crawl under. When I do, he immediately pulls me to him, my back to his chest, holding me tightly. Connor kisses the back of my head. “Sleep now, Sweetness. I’ve got you.”

  Man, does he ever. I drift off to sleep wrapped in Connor’s strong embrace thinking that he certainly has me. My mind, body and soul are calling out to him more and more every day. I know I need to open up to him; I need to let him know all of me. I am finally beginning to be able to let go and put everything behind me. It sometimes feels like Connor can see into my heart and see all of my secrets. His emerald pools gaze straight through to my soul, baring me to him.

  ~

  I wake up cold and alone in the bed. It takes me a few seconds to figure out where I am. I look at my surroundings. I look at the clock on the nightstand. Wow! I’ve been asleep for five hours. I remember where I am, and realize that I need to get up so we can go visit Gina again. I hear voices outside the door and down the hall. I guess Connor is already in the kitchen with Sly getting something to eat. I can’t believe that they let me sleep this long.

  I decide to go ahead and shower before joining them. It’s been a long two days, and I know that I look like a train wreck. The hot water feels heavenly, and I just stand there letting it wash over me. I spend a few extra minutes shaving my legs and everywhere else important. I emerge from the shower feeling refreshed. I throw my hair up in a quick messy bun on the top of my head, and get dressed. I opt for comfort since I figure we will be spending a few hours at the hospital again. I put on my denim shorts and a black cami with a pair of flip-flops. Easy and comfortable, just the way I want to be.

  Coming down the hallway, I hear Connor and Sly laughing together. “Man, I need to go ahead and make her some coffee before she wakes up. I don’t care that it’s mid-afternoon, Lynae needs coffee as soon as she wakes up, or she’s not fun to be around.” Sly chuckles. The sound of his coffee maker coming to life greets me when I walk into the kitchen.

  “Hey, Sweetness.” Connor stands up from the bar to wrap me in a tightly in his arms. “You looked so peaceful, I didn’t want to wake you earlier. I was about to come get you.” He kisses me behind my ear, sending warm tingles through my body. He buries his nose in my hair and inhales deeply. “Damn, babe. You smell so good.”

  I squeeze him back then turn around in search of coffee and Sly. I walk up behind Sly who is still fiddling with the coffee maker, hugging him from behind, placing my cheek on his back. “Hi, honey. Any word on Gina today?”

  Sly turns around in my arms to hug me back. “Yeah, I talked to the nurse earlier when I got up. She’s awake, off the breathing machine, and they are planning on moving her to a regular room later this evening. They said she’s doing great. I’m sorry I had you drive all the way out her.” He squeezes me tight, “I was just so scared. I needed to have you here in case something went wrong.”

  “Don’t do that. Don’t apologize for asking me to come. I know you would have been there for me if I needed you.” I scold him.

  “In a heartbeat. You know I would.” Sly kisses me on the forehead then releases me when he hears the sound of a car pulling up in the driveway. “Sounds like Johnson is back with lunch. He texted me earlier, said he was bringing a few pizzas. He was already gone when we got up, I hope he has enough.”

  I shrug, then reach into the cabinet above my head for a coffee mug. I don’t really care about pizza right now; the rich aroma of Italian Roast is calling to me. I’m adding an obscene amount of creamer and sweetener to my coffee when I hear the front door open and close. For some reason, icy tingles creep up my spine.

  “Johnson, we’re in the kitchen. Come on, I want you to meet some people.” Sly calls out.

  Footsteps echo down the hardwood floors in the living room coming towards us. “Hey man, didn’t know we had company.” The sound of that voice makes me drop my coffee mug. The ceramic mug shatters; hot coffee spills all over the linoleum and the bottom cabinets, splashing on my feet, but I don’t feel the burn. I don’t turn around. I can’t turn around. I can’t breathe. It can’t be him.

  “Shit! Lynae are you ok?” Sly rushes over to wipe up the mess I’ve made. I still can’t move. I hear Connor’s chair scrapping across the floor as he moves to my side.

  I see him in my peripheral vision, but I can’t focus.

  That voices speaks again. “My, my. Lynae Michaels. This is a nice surprise. It’s been a long time. You’ve certainly grown up.”

  “Yeah, I forgot that Lynae was already in high school with us your senior year.” Sly’s speaking, but it sounds like his voice is coming to me from under water. “Connor, this is Matt Johnson.”

  And that is when my world comes crashing down around me. It feels like I have had ice water dumped over me. My heart is pounding in my chest, pounding so hard that I feel like it may burst straight out. I turn around and lock eyes with the person that shattered my world eight years ago. The person that makes me feel like the naïve teenager I once was. I feel like my throat is closing up.

  “Sweetness, what’s wrong? You’re scaring me. Come over here and sit down.” Connor tries to lead me to the stool near the bar. “You look really pale.”

  “I, I have to go.” I take off running. I run out of the kitchen, stopping only to grab my purse and car keys that I tossed on the table near the front door when we got to Sly’s house. I can’t breathe. I can’t be here. All of the guilt I had been pushing away the past few weeks has come rushing back in, and I feel like I’m drowning in it.

  Chapter Twenty

  The gravel crunches under the tires as I pull into the parking area near the section that Momma’s buried. After I put the car into park and set the brake I rest my head on the steering wheel leaving the engine running. I had to get out of that house. It felt like the walls were closing in on me. I know that Sly and Connor have no idea what spooked me, but seeing him again after all those years really jarred me. I can’t believe that he has been staying at Sly’s house, and Sly didn’t tell me. How was I supposed to know that Johnson was Matt Johnson. Just the sound of his voice was enough to send me into a panic. I need some space for a little bit. Hopefully Sly can keep Connor occupied for a while.

  The sun shines down on me as I make my way over to Momma’s grave. Daddy and I pay for perpetual care since we aren’t living close by anymore, so she has a beautiful new arrangement
of silk flowers in the vase on her tombstone. Yellow roses and white daisies. Momma always called me her “Little Sunshine” and we used to give each other different types of yellow flowers all the time, even for no reason at all.

  I kneel down and brush a few stray leaves off the plate with Momma’s name.

  Sara Anne Michaels

  Beloved Wife And Mother

  Taken From Us Too Soon

  “Hey, Momma.” I whisper as I trace my fingers over the words. “I’ve missed you so much. I’m sorry it has been a while since I’ve come for a visit. It’s hard, you know, living a few states away. I still think about you every day.” I sit back on my feet and look up to the sun, trying desperately to keep the tears at bay.

  “I’ve met someone, Momma. I think you’d really like him. His name is Connor, and he makes me feel like I’ve never felt before. I’m scared though. I’m so scared that if he found out, that he wouldn’t want me, and I really want him to want me.” I pause, trying to get my emotions under control. “Daddy seems to like him a lot too. Told me that he thinks Connor is in deep with me. I know I’m in deep with him. Connor makes me feel like it is ok to let my guard down. He makes me feel like it is ok for my body to feel things and for my heart to beat again. You know how closed off I am. I never let anyone in.” A breeze blows through the trees making them sway, and blowing a stray lock of hair in front of my face. It feels like it’s Momma answering me, letting me know that she is here listening to me.

  I take a deep breath; I have to get this off my chest. The guilt is eating at me and I need to tell someone. I know that Momma will be so disappointed in me, but I need to say the words out loud. “Momma, I really wish you were here to hold me right now, I need you. I am so ashamed. I can’t believe I was so stupid.” My voice feels like it is about to get caught in my throat. “I’ve only ever kept one secret from you and Daddy. I’m telling you now because I know you can’t tell Daddy.” I wipe away a tear that has started to roll down my cheek. I don’t know if I can do this, but I have to.

  Sighing I look back down at her name. “It was all my fault. I tried to stop him, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t strong enough. I was so stupid to let myself get in that situation.” The tears are streaming down my face now. I take a few minutes to try to collect myself. I have to say it out loud.

  “I told him ‘No’ Momma, really, I did. But he was too strong. I thought he cared for me. I didn’t think he could be that cruel.” It’s starting to get hard to breathe. My body starts rocking back and forth. “I was starting to get passed it. I was starting to be able to put it out of my memory. Connor was making me think it was ok to feel again. He won’t ever want to touch me if he knew what I did.” I stop to wipe away more tears that are coming down my cheeks, but it’s no use.

  “When I saw him this afternoon, I knew that I’d never be able to let it go. I couldn’t breathe, that look on his face made me want to vomit. They way he said my name made my skin crawl and I remembered the way he said it that night.” I try to calm my breathing, failing miserably. I feel like I may hyperventilate. “I’m so sorry, Momma! I’m so sorry! Matt raped me, Momma!” I cry as I bury my face in my hands and the sobs wrack my body.

  “Motherfucker!” I hear Sly’s voice scream behind me.

  I feel strong hands wrapping around my shoulders and I’m pulled into Connor’s lap. “Lynae, baby, it’s ok. I’m here.”

  I turn and grip onto his shirt, clinging to him. “I’m so sorry! I couldn’t make him stop. I tried! It’s all my fault!” I sob and hiccup into him. Connor is here. Connor heard me tell Momma what happened. Connor knows.

  ~

  I am still numb when Connor walks me into the hotel room. Thank God he brought me here instead of going back to Sly’s house. I honestly don’t think that I will ever be able to step foot in that place again. Not after knowing that Matt has been living there for the past three weeks. He had moved away after high school, and Sly never mentioned that he was back in town, yet alone his new roommate.

  “Yeah. You tell that fuckhead that if I see him again, he is dead!” Connor seethes into the phone. “I’m getting her settled, then I’ll come by to get our bags. He’s gone? Good! You go check on Gina. I’ll take care of Lynae.”

  I crawl onto the king size bed at the end of the suite, kicking off my flip-flops, curling into a ball listening to Connor on the phone. He’s on the phone with Sly. After I cried into Connor’s arms for I don’t know how long at the cemetery, he and Sly managed to get me off the ground and into the passenger seat of my SUV.

  I didn’t hear them come up behind me while I was talking to Momma. I was finally letting out all of the pain and shame I had been holding onto for eight long years. When I heard Sly scream and felt Connor’s arms engulfing me, it felt like my world had shattered all over again. A shudder runs through my body thinking about the fact that Connor now knows what a horrible person I am. He will never want to be with me now that he knows the truth. I start to cry again.

  “Baby, shh. I’m right here.” Connor is instantly at my side again. He is kneeling beside the bed, stroking my face. “I won’t let him hurt you again. I promise you that. We don’t have to go back to the house.”

  I cry harder. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean for it to happen!” My voice comes out hoarse and broken from sobbing. “I wanted you to be the one. I would have wanted it to be you.” I turn away from him, curling in on myself even more, scooting away from Connor and into the middle of the bed.

  I feel the bed dip as Connor lays down beside me, wrapping his arms around me, pulling me into him. “Listen to me, Lynae. You did nothing wrong. That was not your fault. Do you understand me, baby?” His hold on me tightens. “That asshole did that. You are innocent in this, Sweetness.”

  We lay like this for what could be minutes or hours. I’m not sure. Connor has been stroking my hair and kissing the back of my head as I cried until I calmed myself again. My heart is aching because I fear that he won’t look at me the same again. I have yet to look into his eyes. I’m afraid that when I do, all the passion that I used to see will be replaced with disgust. Even though Connor has only been in my life for a few weeks, he feels like he was meant for me. My heart feels like it beats just to know him. I have to admit to myself that I am not only falling in love with this man, but I already have. I have finally opened up and given my heart to someone, only to have it broken again.

  I turn over in Connor’s arms to face him. I can’t avoid this any longer. “I’ll understand if you hate me. I’ve hated myself for so long.” I finally look up into his eyes. I am completely stunned by the expression looking back at me. Instead of disgust, I see compassion and longing.

  “Hate you? How could I hate you?” Connor cups my cheek; his thumb wiping away a few tears still clinging there. “Babe, you are the most perfect person that I have ever met. I don’t know how you have kept that pain inside for so long. There is no reason, and I mean no reason at all for you to hate yourself.”

  “I am far from perfect. I am a broken mess. I can’t expect you to want me after knowing what I did.”

  “You. Did. Not. Do. Anything. Wrong.” Connor says determinedly as he looks deep into my eyes. “And you are not broken.” He places a gentle kiss on my forehead. “I swear to you, I want to kill that bastard for hurting you.” Connor pulls me tightly to him, my head becoming buried in his chest. “What can I do to make you understand that?”

  Connor’s embrace feels like the safest haven I have ever known. I inhale his scent. It’s unique to him. He smells like home. That’s the only way I can describe it. Connor makes me want to forget the past and move on to my future. He makes me want to live my life. I want to give myself to him, body and soul; he already has my heart. I’m afraid that he won’t want me back, even though he says it’s not my fault.

  “I just want to forget. I want to make it all go away.” I mumble into his chest.

  Connor pulls back from me, his hand drawing my chin up so he can see me. �
�What was that, baby?”

  “Make it go away.” I plead. “Please” I lean forward to press my lips against his.

  Connor doesn’t kiss me back. I guess I was right. He doesn’t want me anymore. This thought makes my already shattered heart break apart a little more. I move to pull away from him, but he grips my shoulders, holding me still.

  “You don’t want me. I get it.” I try to hold back the tears that are threatening to fall again.

  Connor closes his eyes, leaning his head back. “Baby, believe me. I do want you. I’ve wanted you from the first moment I laid my eyes on you. I just don’t want to hurt you.” When he opens his eyes again, his emerald pools bore into me.

  “I need this. I need us. I need you to make it all go away.” My eyes are begging him.

  “You’re hurting right now. I don’t want to add to that. Sweetness, I don’t want to take advantage of you while you’re in pain and not thinking.” Connor sighs.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Something snaps inside me, I gather the strength to say what is really in my heart. Something I think I have known all along, but couldn’t see it. “I am thinking clearly. I didn’t get a choice before. Matt took that choice away from me. Here. Now. I am making my choice. That choice is you. I want to be with you, Connor, but I’m scared.” I reach up to kiss Connor again to show him that I mean what I’m saying.

  This time Connor kisses me back. His lips press forcefully onto mine. His tongue begins tracing the seam of my mouth, seeking entrance. Connor kisses me deeply and passionately. He has maneuvered us to where he is bracing himself over me, and I am on my back.

  “Lynae, I am a man. I only have so much control, but I will stop whenever you want me to. I want you so damn bad, but I only want what you want. Please tell me what it is that you need from me, Sweetness.” Connors eyes are blazing but hesitant.