Without You: Book 1 of the Changing Hearts Series

by Yesenia Vargas

  They gave a small laugh.

  “It’s just hard,” Mayra said.

  “Can you imagine?” Ariana asked. “You think they’ll be cool about it?”

  “I hope so. I know my mom probably won’t care, as long as I do good in school. I’m just not sure I want to tell anyone right away.”

  “I think my parents would love it. They love you already.” She looked at Mayra again, who looked back and tried to smile. “What’s going on?”

  “You know,” she said. “I don’t want to ruin the good thing we have. All of this. Our friendship. Mine and Jimmy’s friendship. The relationship I have with your entire family. I don’t deserve someone as good as you guys.”

  And before Mayra had even finished her sentence, they were at Mayra’s driveway, and she had collapsed onto it, crying. With her knees pulled up and her head down and covered by her arms.

  Ariana pushed back the tears in her own eyes and sat down next to her. She put her arm around her.

  “What? Is that what you really think?” She looked around and behind them. They were alone. “Mayra, you are the coolest, nicest person I know. How could you think that? We’re all one family. You’re my sister.”

  Mayra pulled her head up and hugged her, and Ariana hugged back, squeezing her best friend. Mayra gasped for air from how hard she was crying.

  “Please don’t cry,” she whispered. “You deserve to be happy.”

  Mayra kept crying but tried to talk. “My family is so messed up. I’m messed up,” she said in between sobs. “How can Jimmy love me?”

  Ariana didn’t say anything. She had a feeling Mayra just needed to say some things out loud.

  Mayra continued, her head on Ariana’s shoulder. “Jimmy is such a good guy, and I’ve slept with more guys than I can count on one hand. He’s never been with anyone. How can I—” She broke down crying again, and a few tears escaped from Ariana’s eyes.

  “If being with Jimmy is what your heart wants and it feels right, then do it. Don’t worry about that other crap. It’s just not true.” Ariana didn’t know where the words came from, but she knew they needed to be said.

  Mayra kept sniffling. Ariana squeezed her again.

  “Come on. Let’s go get you all dressed up. Cuz my best friend is not going to be sad today. No one is.”

  She pulled Mayra up, and they hugged before going inside.

  ###

  About twenty minutes later, Mayra and Ariana were headed back to her house. Mayra’s mom had been more than okay with her daughter going out to dinner with them. And she had congratulated and hugged Ariana on her acceptance.

  “I knew it,” Mayra’s mom said as she got ready to leave for work. “You’re going to do great things.” She looked at Mayra. “Both of you. Have a good time. I can’t wait until it’s Mayra too.” She hugged them again before they left and handed Mayra a twenty.

  Now they were walking back up Ariana’s driveway. She noticed her dad’s work truck. Jimmy came out of the house. He was already dressed, his hair styled perfectly in place. She could smell the aftershave from here. When had he started using that?

  Jimmy glanced at their dad’s truck before saying, “Dad’s almost out of the shower, and Mom’s changing. Then we’re leaving.” He walked towards them. “Ariana, what are you in the mood for? Pizza? Burgers? Italian? All you-can-eat, five-dollar Chinese buffet maybe?”

  “No idea yet.” She was about to say she was gonna head inside to change really quick when she saw Mayra go straight up to Jimmy, put her arms around his neck, stand on her tiptoes, and kiss him hard on the mouth.

  Jimmy’s eyes stayed open for a split second while his arms hung at his side, paralyzed. Ariana’s mouth hung open, and she saw her brother realize what was happening as he closed his eyes, kissed Mayra back, and put his arms around her waist. Then somewhere below her waist.

  “Uh, I’m gonna go change now,” Ariana said laughing. She walked off.

  Mayra and Jimmy didn’t even look her way.

  “I’m gonna be brave like your sister,” she heard Mayra say as she was about to close the front door behind her. “And go after what I want in my life.”

  ###

  Ariana watched Jimmy and Mayra hold hands under the table at the restaurant and gaze at each other like no one else existed.

  Her stomach fluttered from how happy she felt for them. Even her parents noticed something was different, and she caught them glancing at them and then each other once or twice.

  Sooner or later, they’d find out. If they hadn’t already guessed.

  She fidgeted with the gold bracelet on her wrist.

  It was hard not to think about Lucas right now. She was supposed to be happy. And she was, but there was also a huge downside. The time had come to decide what she was going to do with the next four years of her life. What if she made the wrong choice? How was she supposed to know what the wrong choice was?

  “So what do you do now that you’ve been accepted?” her dad asked as he cut up his steak.

  She stammered as she processed his question. “Um, there’s a list of stuff I have to do. Confirm I’m going. Set up a student account. I have to go to orientation in Athens. A bunch of stuff.”

  “And when do you have to confirm by?” her mom asked. She took a sip of her soda and studied Ariana’s face.

  Ariana squinted as she tried to remember. “I think in like a month they have to have it. And I think there’s a deposit.”

  “You’re set on going then?” her mom continued.

  Mayra and Jimmy looked up from their silent conversation.

  Ariana looked at all of them. “Yeah, pretty sure I’m going.”

  Her dad nodded. “You’re an adult now. You get to decide. But we think it’s a good choice for your life. You can choose to be anything you want to be, and that school will help you do it.”

  “Have you talked to Lucas about it? What does he say about all of this?” her mom asked.

  Mayra gave her a small smile. Ariana put her hands in her lap and focused on the texture of the black cloth napkin.

  “He’s supportive about it,” she said, not as loud as before. “He wants me to go.” She sighed and tried to look at her food.

  “That’s good,” her dad said. “I had a feeling he would understand. He’s a smart guy.”

  She nodded. “He’s a good person.”

  She had no idea how she was going to tell him, but she knew sooner was better than later.

  Everyone finished eating not long after and got ready to head home.

  “No dessert?” her mom asked.

  Ariana shook her head and got up from the table.

  Once she got home, Ariana picked up her phone and dialed Lucas. While she heard it ring, she sat at her desk with the phone laying in front of her and her arms holding her head with her elbows on the table.

  “Hey,” he replied. “What’s up?”

  He sounded like Lucas. Always in a good mood. Always with a smile on his face. She hated being the reason that smile wouldn’t be there anymore, even if she wasn’t there to see it. It was just as bad.

  Maybe she should wait to do this in person. She had to be there to hold him, so they could hold each other. Because she had no idea what was in store.

  “You there?” Lucas asked.

  “Yeah, sorry,” she replied, taking a deep breath.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. I just… How was work?”

  “Work was work. Same old, same old. How was your day?”

  It was like he was in front of her, and she could see his eyebrows wrinkle from trying to figure out what was going on.

  “My day was good.”

  “Have you found out about UGA yet?”

  “Mayra and Jimmy finally officially started going out I think,” she interrupted.

  “Seriously? Good for them.”

  “So have you showered yet?”

  “Why?” He was back to smiling again.

  And she couldn�
��t help but laugh. “Get those thoughts out of your head. Anyway, want to meet up tomorrow before school? A little early again?”

  “Usual time? 7:40?”

  “Yeah. Just want to hang out a little and then we can head to breakfast.”

  Tomorrow she would tell Lucas about UGA, and hopefully, they would figure things out together. They had to.

  chapter eighteen

  Ariana saw that Lucas hadn’t gotten to school yet. It was already 7:42am. She was sure he’d be here by now. She parked and turned off her car. Mayra would be here later.

  Jimmy got out of the car and grabbed his book bag. Ariana was still in the car. She hadn’t even taken the keys out of the ignition yet.

  “You comin’? Jimmy asked.

  “Um, later.” She looked at Jimmy and tried to smile. “Gonna hang out with Lucas a little. We’ll catch up to you.”

  “Telling him about UGA, huh?” he asked.

  “Yep,” she said, taking a deep breath and looking straight ahead.

  There was a small pause, then Jimmy said, “See you later, then. Gonna go look for my girlfriend now.”

  She couldn’t help but smile. “You guys are awesome together, by the way.”

  “Yeah, we kinda are, aren’t we?”

  She thought for sure he’d have something to say, some kind of opinion to share on the subject of her and Lucas, but he didn’t.

  She nodded, and he closed the car door and left. She could see him heading towards the school from her rearview mirror. She watched him and the crowd of people going into the school like that for another few minutes. She saw several cars pulling into the lot, but no Lucas.

  She checked her phone again.

  7:53am.

  They weren’t gonna have much time to talk. They had to have breakfast too, and that ended at a quarter past eight.

  She sighed again and put her head down on the steering wheel and closed her eyes.

  She was tired. Her head hurt from not getting much sleep last night. She was still high from the news of her acceptance into her dream college but that was mixed in with the ickiness she felt inside her at figuring everything out with Lucas and the sheer joy for Mayra and Jimmy finally being together.

  She jumped at a knock on the passenger window. The door opened, and she looked up.

  Lucas.

  He got in and went in straight for a kiss. A long kiss. She only had time to close her eyes.

  His hands were on each side of her face, and his lips pulled on hers, his tongue slipping in as well.

  Something lit inside her chest, and she wrapped her arms around his neck.

  One of his hands went to her waist and the other to her thigh.

  Whoa.

  A minute later, he pulled back, but her eyes remained closed, wanting to savor the intense moment they’d just had.

  Slowly, she opened her eyes to stare at Lucas. His face was inches away from hers.

  “Good morning,” he said. His voice was in between a whisper and normal talk, and he was out of breath.

  She realized she was too.

  “I missed you,” he went on. She couldn’t decide whether to look at his mouth or eyes.

  “I missed you too,” she said. This time, she went in for the kiss. Not as long, though. “I want to hug you.”

  They weren’t going to be able to in the car. Not like she wanted. She got out of the car, and he did the same. It had been a bit chilly before, but now the air around them felt perfect. Fresh.

  They met in the middle at the hood and Lucas immediately put his arms around Ariana’s neck and back while she hugged back and pressed her head against his chest.

  She could hear his heartbeat. It was beating pretty fast at the moment. Lucas kissed the top of her head.

  “What time is it?” She had left her phone in the car. He got his out of his pocket.

  “8:03,” he said, looking at the screen. “Why?”

  “I don’t want you to miss breakfast,” she said.

  “Any other reason?” They hadn’t been looking at each other, but with that, she pulled back and his gaze was already waiting for her when she turned in his direction.

  She had to do this.

  “I got in,” she said, hardly above a whisper. “To UGA. I found out last night.”

  “That is…awesome,” Lucas said. He was smiling, but his eyes weren’t locked on hers. “I really am happy for you. I know what we said before, but you—you have to go. There’s no question about it.”

  He squeezed her, and her face was against his chest again.

  “We’re gonna figure it out,” she said. “I promise. I don’t care if we have to take turns driving to each other’s school every weekend.”

  She wanted to say the words, but she was too focused on not crying.

  I love you. I don’t want to lose you.

  She realized then that Lucas really did love her. Because he was willing to let her go.

  ###

  That afternoon, Ariana trudged back up the parking lot to her car. She couldn’t get her mind off of the next few months. It killed her inside not knowing what was going to happen, whether her relationship with Lucas would survive the changes coming ahead in their lives.

  Her whole life was changing. It’d be completely different in less than six months. Maybe she’d change as a person. Maybe Lucas would. Maybe he’d meet someone while she was at UGA.

  She didn’t think she could handle that.

  She shook her head and decided to look up at the sky instead of at the ground like she had been doing recently.

  Ariana got to her car, and she opened the back door to put her stuff in the seat.

  She was about to close the door. That’s when she felt someone’s arms around her waist. She didn’t have to turn around to know it was Lucas. She knew his hands, his smell. She was smiling before she turned around.

  “Hey,” she said, looking into his eyes. “How was your day?”

  “Okay,” he replied. “I wish we had more classes together. We don’t even have lunch together anymore. That used to be the best part of my day, even before we started going out.”

  Ariana laughed. “Really?” She remembered last semester how they’d started liking each other and how awkward it was to be around him at first, especially because of Mayra. But she was so happy things turned out the way they had, even if things might eventually end.

  “How was your day?” Lucas asked. He was leaning on her car, and she was leaning into him.

  “Okay. Lots of homework.”

  “Me too. Got senioritis yet?”

  “Heck yeah.”

  “Me too.” He laughed.

  “Oh gosh,” she said with a smile.

  “I can’t wait until graduation,” he said.

  She felt a pang in her heart.

  Lucas whispered, “Actually, I can.”

  “I’m visiting UGA in like a week,” she said, looking over at him for a second.

  They stood there in silence for a minute, listening and watching the other cars leave the parking lot, then the buses drive away. The constant buzz was dying. She closed her eyes and felt the breeze on her arms while soaking in the bit of sun there was today. It was chilly, but Lucas was warm.

  “Realistically, what do you think is going to happen?” she asked. Nothing from Lucas. “Do you think we should…” She couldn’t bring herself to say it.

  “Break up?” Lucas asked. He sighed. “The day one of us stops loving the other, definitely. But until then, we’re going to fight to stay together, even if we’re apart. We’ll make this work.”

  He looked down at her, and she up at him.

  He went on. “I promise you. You’re it for me.”

  ###

  This is it, Ariana thought. She pulled out the driveway. It was a school morning, but instead of Jimmy in the passenger seat, it was her mom.

  Jimmy was going to ride to school with Mayra today because Ariana was finally visiting UGA.

  She’d get to see t
he campus in person and confirm this was where she wanted to go.

  She glanced at her mom, who smiled at her while she sipped some coffee. She smiled back but found herself gripping the steering wheel a little extra. It was gonna be a bit of a drive, so they had to leave early. It was only 6:00 a.m., and they were already hitting the road.

  “Is there anybody else from your school going?” her mom asked.

  “Um, a handful of people, actually,” she said. “Other Hispanic kids who are applying for the scholarship program.”

  So awesome but nerve-wracking. She had no idea what to expect come fall or even today. How should she act? What if she did something like ask an obviously dumb question?

  At least everyone there was in her same boat, and the lady in charge of the program seemed really nice and funny. She had visited her school last week and gathered a small group of students who were going to be going to UGA.

  “You know where you’re going?” her mom asked, bringing her out of her thoughts.

  “Yeah, I have my phone’s GPS on.”

  Her mom nodded. “Good thing we’re a little early then. We can stop for some chicken biscuits if you want.”

  “That’s okay,” Ariana said as she pulled onto the freeway. She pressed down on the gas and joined the lane to her left. There wasn’t too much traffic yet. “Remember, they’re giving us breakfast there.”

  “Oh, that’s right.” She took another sip of her coffee and glanced behind them as Ariana switched to the fast lane to get ahead of a slow mini-van in front of them. “So what exactly will we be doing today?”

  “I’m going to shadow a student a little bit, so I’ll be following them around to their classes. We’ll get a tour of the campus, some free lunch at the dining commons, and just some information about a scholarship they’re offering.”

  “That’s good. Free food. Free money maybe. I like this school already.”

  Ariana laughed, at ease a bit. If there was something about her mom, it was that she loved free food. She just hoped UGA would be a good fit for her too.

  ###

  “This is officially freakin’ awesome,” Ariana said as she walked inside UGA’s three-level gym. There were college students working out everywhere, most with earbuds in their ears and facing forward while breaking a mean sweat.