Without You: Book 1 of the Changing Hearts Series

by Yesenia Vargas

  Now she looked at the Lucas in front of her. He looked pale, his eyes had circles underneath them, and his head was in his hands.

  She didn’t know what to say. She just stared, wondering if he was so tired that he couldn’t keep his eyes open or what.

  “What can I do to help?” she asked, taking his hand.

  He looked at her and blinked a few times. “Nothing. It’s okay. We’re just getting through some tough times right now, but we’ll get through it. We always do.”

  He seemed to be saying it more for himself than to her.

  “Seriously,” she went on. “I can take your sisters to their practices. I don’t mind at all. I can even give you some money so you can cut back your hours for a while until you’re on your feet again.”

  He looked at her and sighed. He shook his head. “I could never ask you to do something like that for me.”

  “Please, Lucas. I promise I don’t mind. I don’t have anything to do right now anyway, and I have savings—”

  Lucas looked down. “I can’t let you do that. These are my responsibilities. I can do it.”

  “Lucas—”

  “Let’s talk about something else. Please.” His eyes still wouldn’t meet hers.

  ###

  “I need to tell you something,” Lucas said a week later. They were in his car outside of his house. She had come over to see him, but they’d decided to get out of the house and grab some alone time.

  Ariana glanced at him. He looked just as tired as the last time she had seen him, despite being on winter break.

  “Lucas, has your mom seen how tired you are?”

  “Ariana,” he said, turning on the car. “Please.”

  She stopped and tried to figure out what was going on with him.

  “I mean, you don’t have class right now. How come you’re not getting enough sleep? I’m kinda worried here.” Lucas went to put the car in drive, but his hand went back to the arm rest.

  “I’ve been picking up some extra shifts at work. It’s busy because of the holidays, and I need the extra money.”

  “Lucas, you need to take care of yourself first.” Ariana turned her body towards him.

  “I need to talk to you.” Now he looked her right in the eye. Ariana felt a pang in her belly.

  She waited for him to say whatever he wanted to say, but nothing came out of his mouth. Lucas looked back down, and his lips scrunched together.

  Just as she was about to speak, he continued.

  “I—I think we should take a break,” he said, looking at her again.

  Her mouth fell open before she could talk. “What?” she uttered.

  “I’m sorry. Don’t think I don’t love you because I do. This is why I want to do this.”

  “That doesn’t make any sense,” she began. “If this is about how busy you are, I’m not pressuring you. We can work around it. I said I can help you. Let me help you.”

  It all came out so fast. Every thought that was flashing in her mind right now.

  Lucas held her hand.

  “I promise this is so hard and I don’t want to do it, but we have to,” he went on.

  “I don’t get it,” she said, a couple of tears running down her face. She took her hand out of his and faced forward.

  He scooted towards her. “You deserve better than…this.” He used his hands to indicate himself.

  “I love you,” she said, looking at him.

  “I love you too,” he said. “But you deserve a chance for these to be the best years of your life. Not waiting on me to show up all the time.”

  Ariana’s chest convulsed as she finally let the tears come. She couldn’t keep the sinking, crushing feeling in.

  Lucas tried to hug her from his seat but only one arm reached around her.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I hate seeing you like this, but the more we try to make this work, the worse it’s gonna to be. We’re gonna regret trying to make this work.’

  “No. I’m not,” she said through the tears.

  “Yes, you are,” he said, looking at her. “I can see how much it hurts you that we can’t have a normal relationship. You deserve someone who can give you that, and I can’t give you that right now.”

  She tried to plead with him but couldn’t get any words to come out. Just more tears.

  She saw tears in Lucas’s eyes, and he hugged her again before she could see them leave his eyes.

  “I hate doing this to you. I almost wish I had never met you so we wouldn’t be hurting so bad right now, but you’re the best damn thing that’s ever happened to me.”

  She felt him taking deep breaths as he tried to control his emotions.

  “We don’t have to do this. We can keep trying,” she said.

  He shook his head and pulled away. He wiped at his face. “This is what’s best. I can’t give you my best right now, and you can enjoy college, meet new people, and not be tied down by me.”

  She shook her head but began wiping away her own tears until they were gone.

  She could see his eyes were red, and she wondered what she must look like right now. The tears wouldn’t stop coming.

  She thought about everything Lucas was saying right now. If this was what he wanted, how could she not give him that?

  “If we’re meant to be, then we’ll get through this, right?”

  She touched his face, and he nodded.

  She nodded back. “Okay.”

  Lucas looked down and took a deep breath, and no matter how hard she tried, a few more tears ran down her cheeks.

  Lucas looked back up at her.

  He gazed her lips and came in for one last kiss.

  She closed her eyes and tried to savor it, but it ended too soon. Lucas embraced her.

  “I—”

  He didn’t finish his sentence.

  “Bye,” she whispered. She got out of his car and left.

  ###

  “Oh my gosh, what happened?” Mayra didn’t wait for Ariana to come to her but ran up to her instead.

  Before Mayra’s arms were around her, Ariana had already broken down. Her knees gave in as the tears returned.

  She didn’t even have time to think of how she had made it back to Mayra’s house from Lucas’s house.

  “Come on. Let’s go to my room,” Mayra said, helping her up.

  They walked together until Ariana was laying down on Mayra’s bed.

  She was full on crying now. She could not go home like this and let her parents and Jimmy find out that—

  She cried harder into Mayra’s pillow. Her chest ached for Lucas’s arms around her.

  “What happened?” Mayra asked. “Did you and Lucas…”

  All Ariana could do was nod.

  “Oh my God. I’m so sorry.” After a second, “Why?”

  Ariana tried to stop crying but couldn’t. She was sure her eyes were swollen beyond recognition, and there was probably mascara all over Mayra’s pillow by now.

  She took a deep breath and tried to calm down, but the tears wouldn’t go away.

  She turned her head so Mayra could hear what she was going to say. “He just has so much going on. He said this is what’s best for us.” She felt her chest about to convulse again as she went on.

  She broke down again and sunk her face back into the pillow. Mayra hugged her best as she could.

  Mayra rubbed her friend’s back as Ariana said through the pillow, “What am I gonna do?”

  Her chest continued to heave, and Mayra shushed her.

  Several minutes passed by until Ariana’s body finally got tired of crying. Only dry sobs escaped from her body. She felt numb and stared at the wall of Mayra’s bedroom. She hugged the pillow under her, trying to imagine it was Lucas.

  It wasn’t, and somehow, more tears filled her eyes and streamed down her face.

  “You’re strong. You’re going to get through this.”

  She thought of Christmas without Lucas and his silly, sweet sisters.

  She th
ought of the first day she met Lucas in Spanish class, when their eyes first met, their first kiss. The first time she tasted his lips. She wished her entire body hurt instead of feeling her heart break.

  She stared at the gold bracelet he had given her for her birthday over a year ago.

  How the hell was she going to go on without Lucas?

  ###

  “So how was your Christmas and New Year’s and everything? Did you and the boyfriend finally get some alone time?” Vanessa winked at her as they unpacked their things back in their dorm.

  She and Lucas hadn’t even spoken after…deciding to call it quits. It had been almost a month. She supposed that, after everything, they just weren’t meant to be. She glanced at her bare wrist. She’d finally taken the bracelet off before leaving for Athens, but she hadn’t had the heart to leave it behind or throw it away. Instead, she had stashed it away. For now.

  Vanessa waited for her to say something. Ariana swallowed the lump in her throat and blinked several times.

  Time to rip off the bandaid, then.

  “We broke up,” she said with hardly a glance at her roommate. She focused instead on unpacking the semester’s textbooks. She’d busied herself with ordering them over the break and getting a head start on reading them. Reading other books, like fiction, reminded her too much of Lucas and what they’d had, and she just wasn’t ready to face that.

  Vanessa stayed silent, and Ariana decided to pretend she didn’t care. She didn’t. She took another glance at her, and Vanessa finally spoke up.

  “Um, are you okay?”

  She gave her a small smile and nodded. “I will be.”

  Vanessa came and gave her a hug, and the tears showed up before she had a chance to prepare. She gave Vanessa the smallest push away to give her the hint that she needed to be alone.

  Vanessa went back to putting away her clothes, but her eyes remained on Ariana.

  Ariana turned around and took a deep breath, forcing the hot tears back inside of her.

  She had to get through this. Had to. Coming to UGA had been her dream. Still was. She wasn’t about to ruin that.

  The next four years of her life would mean something. Maybe they would suck if the rip inside her didn't eventually heal. She didn't know about that yet. But she would do what she came here to do. Graduate with a degree and make herself and her family proud.

  epilogue

  Three and a half years later

  Ariana got out of her car and headed inside to meet Jimmy and Mayra. They were going strong as ever. If anyone was meant to be, it was those two.

  She wondered what they looked like. She hadn’t seen them or her family since Christmas because of her internship, and now it was May. She was done with college. All she had left was graduation in a few days, and they’d all be driving up to Athens together for that.

  Ariana took her time walking from the parking lot to the restaurant entrance. People milled all around. It was Friday night, and it was full. She maneuvered through the crowd and wondered if Mayra and Jimmy had made a reservation. Her parents wouldn’t be there since they were still at work, but she’d get to see them later.

  And all the time now. She was moving back home to look for a job. She had a degree in International Business with a minor in Chinese. She’d definitely kept herself busy the last few years.

  It had been the only way to cope with losing Lucas. They had talked a few times after they had broken up, but eventually, like all things, their friendship had also come to an end not long after. For a while, she had wondered if Wendy had gotten what she wanted after all that time, but from what Mayra had heard, she’d moved on to obsessing over someone else. As far as Carlos, Mayra had only seen him from afar once their second year of college.

  Ariana had dated a couple of times, but no one had felt like the one, so she had gone back to focusing on school.

  Her mind wandered to what she always thought of when she was back home.

  Lucas.

  She wondered how life had gone for him. Mayra saw him sometimes, but they hadn’t really remained friends either.

  Last time she heard, probably a year or more ago, Lucas had finally moved on and was dating someone else.

  She took a deep breath and decided not to think about Lucas anymore.

  This was a night for celebration with the people who would never leave her life.

  Jimmy and Mayra. Mayra was graduating too. Jimmy had a couple years to go, but soon enough, he’d be graduating, maybe going pro with his basketball.

  She climbed up the steps, keeping her head down as she found her way through the crowd of people.

  Someone opened the door for her, and she turned around to smile and thank whoever it was.

  Instead, Ariana froze at the face staring back at her.

  “Ariana.”

  She moved out of the way to let other people in and out and turned back to him.

  “Lucas.”

  She swept her hair out of her eyes and quickly looked him up and down. He was in a black suit and tie.

  Damn. He looked good. Not like she remembered him. He looked happy. Rested.

  “What are you doing here?” he asked. She thought she saw him checking her out too, and she smoothed down her dress and hoped her hair looked okay. She hadn’t had that much time to get ready after getting here from Athens.

  “I’m meeting Mayra and Jimmy for dinner. We’re celebrating.”

  “Graduation?” he asked.

  She nodded.

  “Us too.” He indicated behind him, and she saw his family seated outside. His mom and sisters. His mom stood up and came over. His sisters followed after her.

  They looked so grown up.

  “Are they in middle school now?”

  He nodded. “That’s right.”

  “Como estas?” his mom said, coming in for a hug.

  “Bien. Y usted?” she replied.

  “Good,” she said. His mom looked older, with more wrinkles, but less stressed.

  She smiled. His sisters looked beautiful in purple and blue dresses and with their hair done. They had a little bit of makeup on.

  “Look at you two,” she said quietly at them.

  “Hi, Ariana,” one of them said. The other sister looked too shy to say anything. “Are you here to eat with us too?”

  “Oh, uh—” she began. What was she supposed to say to that?

  “We’d love it if you could,” Lucas said, looking at her. His mom smiled and nodded. “No pressure, though,” he added.

  She froze then nodded. “Um, let me get Jimmy and Mayra. They’re around here too. Yeah, I’ll be right back,” she said with a quick smile. She went inside and looked for those two.

  What were the odds, she thought. This was so awkward, but she couldn’t tell them no. She’d have to sit through this dinner with Lucas.

  And his girlfriend.

  Tomorrow, she’d be back to living life without him.

  “Hey, you,” Mayra said, coming up to her. Jimmy was right behind her. The stubble covering the bottom part of his face made him look so grown up.

  “You two look hot,” she said, momentarily forgetting her run-in with Lucas and her family.

  “You too,” Mayra said.

  She went to hug Jimmy. He squeezed her hard, and it was too much. Tears flowed down her face.

  “I missed you so much,” she whispered as best she could in his ear, but it was impossible to reach him.

  “I missed you too,” he said, kissing her cheek. “How are you?”

  It was a loaded question. School, herself, Lucas.

  “I’m good,” she said, convincing herself at least, and remembering what had just happened a few minutes before.

  “Um, guess what?” She turned to face them both.

  “I, uh, ran into Lucas and his family, and now we’re eating with them. If that’s okay, I mean.”

  Jimmy looked puzzled, and Mayra made a face like “whoa.”

  “We just happened to run into
each other, and one of his sisters thought I was meeting them for dinner too, and I thought it was rude to say no when they invited me. So yeah. We’re eating with them. Is that okay with you guys?” Everything was coming out way too fast, and Ariana’s heart was beating erratically, and she had no idea what to even do with her hands.

  “If it’s okay with you,” Jimmy said immediately.

  She nodded. “I’ll live, I guess. I pretty much said yes, and it’d be even more awkward to go back and say no.”

  “I was about to say,” Mayra began. “That was fast.”

  Ariana shook her head. “Definitely not. And you said he had a girlfriend, remember?”

  She nodded. “I’ll go tell the hostess,” Mayra said before walking off.

  “This should be interesting,” Jimmy said.

  ###

  Ariana peeked at her phone again under the table.

  “Do you have to be somewhere?” Lucas asked quietly. He was seated right beside her.

  “Oh no. Sorry,” she replied, putting her phone back in her purse. She didn’t know what to say so she kept her mouth shut and looked down at her plate.

  Everyone was finishing up eating, so she hoped they’d get up to leave soon. Luckily, his girlfriend hadn’t showed up.

  It had been fun catching up with his family, but she just wanted to get home. She thought she was over Lucas, and she almost was, but there was a small part of her that still hurt for what they’d lost.

  She had no idea how Lucas felt, but she didn’t want to find out. She just wanted to get outta there.

  “Here you go,” the waitress said. “It’s been a pleasure havin’ ya.” She handed each group their checks.

  She took Jimmy and Mayra’s check. “I got this, guys.” She hadn’t made much money on her paid internship, but she had managed to save a little pile of cash.

  Jimmy began to protest, but she stopped him. “I said I got it.”

  “Thanks, bestie,” Mayra said from the other side of Jimmy.

  “No problem.”

  A few minutes later, they were all walking out. She sighed in relief. She just wanted to go home, hang out with Jimmy and Mayra a bit, and crash. Tomorrow, she’d start job hunting and hopefully soon, apartment hunting.

  She couldn’t wait to have her own place and a decent paycheck. College life had been fun, but she was ready to move on to the next part of her life.