Poison & Wine

by Melissa Toppen

  “I do care about how you feel.”

  “Then tell him to leave.”

  “What?”

  “If you truly care about me and how I feel, tell him to leave.”

  “I… His brother just died.”

  “And that’s horrible but, Oakley, it isn’t your problem.”

  “Isn’t my problem? He’s the father of my child.”

  “A fact that you’ve hidden from him for all this time. Why now? Why does it matter now?” He looks at me expectantly, but I don’t have an answer for him. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” He turns and heads toward the door.

  “Lance!” I call, following after him. “Where are you going?”

  He pauses with his hand on the doorknob.

  “I can’t do this, Oakley. I won’t. It’s either him or me.”

  I once said that Lance was the most understanding person I had ever met. I’m starting to rethink that assessment. Because if he was, if he truly understood, he wouldn’t be demanding this of me. Not today. Not after we just lost Tommy.

  “There’s not a choice. The two are completely separate. You are my boyfriend. He is my friend. A friend who needs my help.”

  “No, he is your first love and the father of your child. And if you can’t see why this is such a big deal then maybe you’re not as smart as I thought you were.”

  His insult stings.

  “You know what, go ahead and leave. Because if you’re going to force my hand, if you’re going to make ridiculous ultimatums, then you’re not the person I thought you were either.”

  “Good luck with everything, Oakley. When it all blows up in your face, and it will, don’t come crying to me. I’m done.”

  With that, he yanks open the door and exits the house, not looking back even once as he jumps in his car and speeds off moments later.

  Chapter Thirteen

  JACE

  * * *

  It’s been the longest three days of my life. I don’t think there’s been a time I’ve ever felt more alone and that’s saying something, considering everything that I’ve been through.

  But losing Tommy, I don’t know. It’s left a hole in me that I can’t say I’ve ever felt before. There’s this emptiness, this black pit that feels like it’s swallowing me from the inside out.

  The only thing that makes it even remotely better is knowing that Oakley is so close. Even if I don’t see her, it brings me comfort knowing that if I needed to, I could.

  She dropped off a few things for me while I was sleeping the other day, but other than that she’s kept her distance. Not that I can blame her. After everything I put her through, the fact that she’s helping me at all is a shock. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve her kindness. And yet here I am, taking it anyway.

  I’m a selfish bastard. I always have been.

  I’ve respected her rules. I haven’t gone up to the main house even once, though I’ve been tempted, and for the most part I’ve stayed in the apartment. I did venture out yesterday and earlier this afternoon to attend a meeting.

  I felt myself slipping. Felt the darkness pulling me under and the familiar buzz of a craving slide through my veins.

  I knew if I didn’t get to a meeting, it would all be over. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to use so badly in my life. And yet, somehow I’ve managed to resist.

  I think losing Tommy has made me realize something very important. Something I should have realized years ago. It only takes one time. One time and it’s all fucking over. And even though I’ve teetered on the edge for a very long time, the truth is I don’t want to die.

  There’s a church that does meetings every day less than a mile from here which has been a godsend. Mike told me about it when I called the shop the day before yesterday.

  News of Tommy’s passing had already spread. I guess it was in the local newspaper, though I couldn’t bring myself to buy a copy. I don’t want to see it in print. Somehow I feel like that will make it more real.

  Though I really don’t see how it could get any more real than this.

  I press a cigarette between my lips and light it, taking a long drag. Pressing my back to the exterior of the garage, I look out over the back yard.

  I hadn’t noticed until now, but there’s a playset at the very back of the yard, just a few feet from the fence line. Must be from the previous owners. I try to remember if Oakley said how long she’s lived here, but I can’t seem to pinpoint if she did or not.

  I flip my ashes and take another pull from my cigarette.

  Tommy’s funeral is in two days. I’m dreading it more than anything because sticking him in the ground is going to give it all such finality. Like fuck, he’s really never coming back.

  I’m never going to hear his laugh again or see his goofy ass smile. It seems so unfair. Losing him after I just found him again. So many wasted years. So much wasted time.

  I shake my head, feeling the cloud of regret start to seep in.

  When Tommy died, the last thing I was thinking about was a funeral. I never thought I’d be responsible for planning one, figuring I would die before everyone else. But then I realized it was up to me. Who else was going to do it? My alcoholic father who hasn’t seen Tommy in nearly a decade? My absentee mother who took off when we were just kids?

  Then came the reality that I had no way to pay for it. Who knew that shit was so fucking expensive? I had pretty much accepted I was going to have to cremate him and lug him around in some cheap cardboard box when Devin, the owner of Vance’s Auto, contacted me.

  I guess he knew there was no way I was going to be able to pay for the services, and given that he and Tommy had become quite close over the last year, he offered to pay for the entire thing. The only catch, he wants me to continue to work at the shop. I think he just wants to keep an eye on me, because he knows that’s what Tommy would have wanted.

  I didn’t want to accept the help. Honestly, it felt wrong to. But at the end of the day my brother deserves a proper funeral, and I’m not in the position to give him one.

  Devin took care of all the arrangements. We’re having a small graveside service. I really have no idea how I’ll ever repay him, but one day I’m determined that I will.

  As for work, I plan to go back next week. I have to do something. I can’t sit around in this apartment for the rest of my life. I’m going to need to figure out a more permanent living situation soon. I can’t imagine when Oakley brought me here she intended I’d be here more than a couple of days.

  I can’t go back to Tommy’s apartment either. Not yet. There’s no way I could afford the rent even if I wanted to stay there.

  Mike and some of the other guys from the shop went over and packed up his stuff yesterday, leaving me to only handle my own things. They moved all of Tommy’s belongings to a storage unit so that, when I’m ready, I can go through everything and decide what to keep and what to let go. I wonder if Tommy had any idea how many people truly cared about him, and in return, me as well.

  So the only thing left for me to do now is go over and clear out my room. Not that there’s a hell of a lot there. A few little things. Some clothes. That’s really it.

  When I moved in with Tommy, I was literally starting from the bottom. And I didn’t have time to move up the ladder much before everything went to shit.

  I arch my head around the corner of the garage when I hear a child squeal.

  I spot a little red headed girl running through the front yard, her curly pigtails bobbing up and down.

  My back goes rigid when I see Oakley come into view. She chases after the little girl, laughing and scolding her all in the same breath.

  When she swoops her into her arms, a cloud of confusion settles over me.

  Is that…

  Her daughter?

  The thought doesn’t seem possible. Surely if Oakley had a child she would have told me. Wouldn’t she have?

  Maybe she’s a friend’s or family member’s child that Oakley is watching. And y
et, the matching auburn hair makes me think this isn’t the case.

  I can’t get a good look at her face from this distance, but if I had to guess, I’d say she’s the spitting image of the woman holding her in her arms.

  My confusion only grows.

  I watch the two disappear from view, the sound of the car starting filling my ear drums seconds later.

  I stand, dumbfounded as I watch the SUV back out of the driveway and take off down the road.

  Chapter Fourteen

  OAKLEY

  * * *

  “So what’s your plan?” Keira turns, pinning her gaze on me the moment Ellie disappears into her room.

  Today is Tommy’s funeral, and even though Keira doesn’t approve of any of my decisions as of late, she took the day off work to keep Ellie anyway. I told her I would have Gianna watch her. It’s not uncommon for me to add an extra day throughout the week. Sometimes it’s so I can run errands, other times when I need a moment to catch my breath. But Keira insisted. I think mainly because she knew it would get me here and force me to have a conversation with her that I’ve been putting off the last few days.

  I still haven’t forgiven her for telling Lance, nor have I really confronted her about it. I need some time. Time to process. Time to figure all this out. Time to decide if being with Lance is something I want to fight for.

  While I think he’s an amazing man, I think I’ve been trying to force something that wasn’t there all along. Even though I will miss him. His easiness and how he makes me laugh, I think ending things is for the best.

  I’m still not sure if we are technically broken up. I mean, I assume we are, based on what transpired the last time I saw him. That, and neither of us has tried to contact the other. I thought about calling him, smoothing things over and ending things on a good note, but something tells me that would probably only make things worse.

  “What do you mean my plan?” I question my cousin who’s looking at me expectantly, waiting for my response.

  “You know what I mean, Oakley. Jace. What’s your plan with Jace?”

  “Honestly, I don’t know,” I admit truthfully.

  It’s strange, having him so close and yet barely seeing him at all. I’ve purposely been avoiding him, which is counterproductive to why I asked him to stay with me in the first place. Wasn’t the point so I could be there for him? Yet, other than dropping off a few things here and there, I’ve basically avoided him like the plague.

  It’s just too confusing. All of it. I still haven’t wrapped my head around the fact that he’s back in my life, or if I even want him to be. Sure, my life was missing something without him, but it was also easier, simpler.

  “It’s been five days, Oakley. He can’t stay with you forever.”

  “It’s been only five days. That’s no time at all. He just lost his brother, Kiera. What am I supposed to do, kick him out the day of the service?” I toss my hands up in frustration.

  “The sooner you do it, the easier it will be for all parties involved.”

  “Look, I get that you’re worried about me, and I love you for that, but this isn’t up to you.”

  “You’re not thinking clearly. You never do when Jace is involved. You’ve said so yourself. So if I have to be your voice of reason, so be it. Even if it pisses you off.”

  “So is that why you told Lance? Because you were being my voice of reason?” I narrow my gaze at her. “For someone that’s trying to help, you’re doing a damn good job of making things worse.”

  “I’m sorry, okay. I didn’t go to work with the intention of telling him. But then he cornered me in the breakroom, said that things felt weird between you two. I said you had a lot going on right now and he pressed. You know how persistent he can be.”

  “That’s still no excuse.”

  “Maybe you’re right. I overstepped and for that I apologize. But I won’t apologize for trying to talk some sense into you. Someone has to.”

  “Did he tell you we broke up?” I cut in.

  “He did.” Her voice goes quiet. “He’s pretty torn up over it. But I reassured him that once Jace is gone, things will get back to normal.”

  “Why would you tell him that?”

  “Because they will.”

  “I know you’ve been rooting for me and Lance from the beginning. Hell, you’re the one that pushed me to date him. But… I don’t know. I don’t think he’s the right guy for me. I think maybe this breakup was for the best.”

  “Because of Jace?” she bites.

  “No, because of me. I’ve known it for a long time now. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself because he really is a great guy.”

  “If he’s such a great guy then why are you letting him go?”

  “As I said, I don’t think he’s the right guy for me. Something was missing.”

  “And you expect me to believe this has nothing to do with your ex?”

  “It doesn’t. Yes, maybe him being here sped up the process, but it was bound to happen eventually.”

  She crosses her arms in front of herself. “What is going on with you?”

  “Nothing is going on with me. It’s just… things are complicated right now.”

  “Complicated,” she states flatly. “As in you’ve got your drug addict ex-boyfriend living in your garage while you’re hiding his daughter inside, hoping he doesn’t find out she exists. God, I sound like a lunatic even saying it out loud.”

  “I just need to get through these next few days. Things will get back to normal… Eventually.”

  “Eventually? You mean after Jace finds out about Ellie and figures out a way to worm his way into your life permanently?”

  “Would that be so bad?” My voice gets higher.

  “Um, he’s a drug addict that nearly killed you in a car accident. Yeah, it would be that bad. What if he relapses? What if next time it’s Ellie in the car with him? You can’t trust an addict.”

  “Do you really believe I would allow that to happen? You know me. You know how much I love my daughter. I would die for her without a moment’s hesitation. But Jace being in her life doesn’t mean I would just let him take her.”

  “You can’t be serious. Are you actually considering telling him about her?”

  “Yes. No. I don’t know.” I sigh. “A part of me wonders if it wouldn’t be what he needs. Something to live for. Something bigger than himself.”

  “What he needs? What about what you need? What about what Ellie needs? My god, Oakley, it’s like you’ve suddenly forgotten about everything he’s put you through!”

  “I haven’t. Trust me, I haven’t. But I also know that people can change. Addicts can get clean.”

  “Like his brother got clean.” Her jab is below the belt.

  “Don’t do that.” Anger teeters in my voice.

  “It’s true. Even if you don’t wanna hear it. It’s true.”

  “Listen, I don’t know what I’m going to do. Maybe I’ll tell him about Ellie. Maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll let him stay with me longer. Maybe I won’t. Either way, it’ll be my choice to make. Not yours. And you can either support me or not, but it won’t change the fact that this isn’t up to you.”

  “When he almost killed you, when he almost killed your unborn child, who did you come to? Me. Who was there to help you pick up the pieces? Me. Who gave you a home and security? Me. Who helped look after Ellie while you were in nursing school? Me. That girl is like a daughter to me as well.” She points toward the hallway. “You’re kidding yourself if you think this doesn’t affect me just as much as it does you.”

  “You’re right.” My tone softens. “And I know you’re worried. But Kiera, I’m asking you to trust me. I’m not that same naïve girl I was when I came here. I know who Jace is and what he’s capable of. And I will protect my daughter at all costs. But if he can stay clean, if he can be a father to his little girl, ultimately that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I won’t deny either of them that chance. So I’m asking you to be patient wh
ile I figure all this out. You don’t have to like it, but I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t fight me on it. I know what I’m doing.” I reach out and snag her hand, giving it a squeeze.

  “Let’s hope for all our sakes you do.” She gives me a sad smile. “I don’t mean to push or overstep, but you and Ellie are my family. The thought of anything happening to either of you…”

  “Nothing is going to happen to us. You just have to trust me. I will do this right. I promise. Besides, I haven’t even decided for sure what I want to do. This is all just me thinking, tossing ideas around, running scenarios in my head. I’ve said this to you before, I don’t want Ellie to grow up believing that I purposely kept her father from her. I want her to know that if he’s not in her life, it’s not because of anything I did.”

  “And I get that. I just wish… I just wish her father was someone who was more reliable. What if he stays clean for a while? What if he becomes a part of her life and then a year from now or five years from now he falls off the wagon and disappears again?”

  “What if an asteroid hits the Earth and we all die tomorrow?” I counter. “We can’t predict the future. We can only do our best with what we have and hope for a good outcome.”

  “A week ago you wouldn’t have even been entertaining this idea.”

  “A week ago Jace had Tommy.”

  “So what? That makes him your responsibility now?”

  “No, but I’m also not going to turn my back on him. Not when he needs me the most. If he were still using it would be different. But he’s clean, Keira.”

  “For now.” She snorts. “I just don’t get your attachment to this guy.”

  “You weren’t there when Jace and I were kids. You don’t understand the connection we had. We were as close as any two people can be. I know him, the real him. The Jace he is when he’s sober.”