Poison & Wine

by Melissa Toppen

  “It’s been four years, Oak. What if that Jace is gone?”

  “He’s not. I saw it when I visited him in rehab and again over the last few days. I won’t say he hasn’t changed; he has. But I still see him. The boy I would have walked through fire for. He’s still in there, despite everything.”

  “Promise me you’ll be vigilant. Drug addicts will find ways to get creative.”

  “I promise you that if he stays, I will monitor the situation very closely. The first sign of any drug use and I won’t hesitate to cut ties completely. But again, this is all a big if. I still haven’t decided what I want to do. I figured I’d get through today and make a decision from there.”

  “I don’t like it. But I will try to do as you asked. I will trust you. But I swear to god, Oakley, if I think something is going sideways, I will blow the whistle so fucking hard people ten miles away will hear it.”

  “I would expect nothing less.” I smile for the first time since arriving.

  “I love you, you know that. I just want what’s best for you and that sweet little girl.”

  “I know, and I love you too.” I pull her into a hug. “And speaking of that sweet girl.” I release her and take a step back. “She’s been going on all morning about how she’s going to give Aunt Kiki a makeover.” I chuckle.

  “I’m thinking maybe I should be scared.” She crinkles her nose playfully.

  “Let’s just hope you have some makeup remover lying around because you’re probably going to need it.” I wink. “Make sure to take pictures before you wash it off.”

  “Why, so you can blackmail me with them later?” she jokes.

  “You never know.” I shrug.

  It’s funny how we can fight and pretty much make up in the same breath. It’s been like this since I moved here. I guess we really are like sisters.

  “I should probably go.” I check the time on the wall clock behind Keira. “I have to go back to the house and pick up Jace.”

  “Okay. Take your time today. Don’t rush getting back here. I’m thinking after your daughter paints me into a clown, we might go for lunch and maybe ice cream. Then, I promised her we’d go to the park.”

  “Sounds like you have the whole day planned.”

  “I do. I don’t get enough Ellie and Kiki days. I’m going to make the most of it.”

  “Okay, how about I come back and get her after dinner?”

  “You know what, I have a better idea. Why don’t you just let her stay the night?”

  “Keira.” I give her a questioning look. “You already keep her three nights a week for me.”

  “Yeah, but you don’t bring her until an hour before bed and then she’s gone shortly after waking up. We can have a girl’s night. We’ll pop popcorn, maybe watch Frozen.”

  “She would love that.”

  “What do you say? That way you can take care of what you need to take care of. Today will surely be an emotional day. Having one more thing off your plate can’t hurt.”

  “You realize that if I tell Jace about Ellie, it won’t be today right?” I confirm, feeling like maybe this is the real reason she wants to keep her.

  “I know. But it might do you some good to spend some time with him without Ellie around. Get a feel for things, ya know?”

  “I’m starting to think you have split personalities,” I joke.

  “Shut up. This is about me and Ellie, not you and Jace. I could really use this time with her.”

  “Fine,” I concede. While I don’t like leaving Ellie when I’m not working, because I like to get all the time I can with her, I know she’ll have a blast with Keira and it will take some of the worry I have away going into today.

  “Yay!” Keira claps her hands together. “Now get out of here.” She shoos me toward the door.

  “Give Ellie kisses for me,” I say, knowing that if I go back there and tell her I’m leaving she will throw the fit of all fits.

  She does it almost every time I leave her anywhere. I’ve gotten into a routine of sneaking out while she’s playing. If I do that, she’s completely fine and doesn’t even notice I’m gone until hours later.

  “I will. And good luck today. Call me if you need anything.”

  “I will.” I pull open the door and step out onto the front porch. “Love you.”

  “Love you,” Keira calls back, seconds before I hear the door close behind me.

  Chapter Fifteen

  OAKLEY

  * * *

  “Thanks for the ride,” Jace says from the passenger seat of my car, fidgeting nervously with the seatbelt strap across his shoulder.

  “Of course.” I nod, honestly not sure how to act right now.

  It’s been such a weird morning. Between my back and forth with Keira and the awkward silent car ride with Jace, I feel like I’m sitting on pins and needles. My whole body is tight with tension and I find myself questioning everything.

  “This still doesn’t seem real,” he mutters, more to himself than to me.

  “Are you doing okay?” It’s a stupid question, considering he’s about to bury his brother, but I feel the need to ask anyway.

  My eyes go to him for a brief moment, taking in how handsome he looks in his dark jeans and black button down. I’m pretty sure this is the most dressed up I’ve seen him since Senior Prom. It’s just unfortunate the circumstances behind it.

  Tommy’s face flashes in my mind. Well, the Tommy I remember. I can’t picture him any other way and I don’t want to. The man that died in front of my very eyes. That man was a stranger. Not the boy I had known for years. The one who used to tease me relentlessly about how I’d always follow Jace around like a lost puppy. That’s the person I choose to remember. The young guy with the crooked smile who had a knack for getting under my skin.

  “I guess. I kind of feel like I’m living in the twilight zone. Being sober… Everything just feels so real,” Jace answers after a long moment.

  “Welcome to reality,” I say it as a joke but I worry it comes off sounding condescending.

  “Reality sucks,” he grumbles.

  “It’s not all bad.”

  “I just want to get this over with.”

  “I understand.” I glance in his direction again before my gaze goes back to the road. “It was really nice for the shop owner to pay for the services.”

  “Yeah.” He knots his hands in his lap. “Though it feels pretty fucking pathetic that I can’t afford to pay for my own brother’s funeral.”

  “No one thinks you’re pathetic.”

  “I do.”

  “Well I don’t. You’re clean. And given everything that’s happened over the last few days, I’d say that counts for a lot.”

  “And yet here I am. Homeless. No money. No real prospects. Guess I’m exactly who my father said I was. A fucking low life piece of shit that will never get anywhere in this world.”

  “Jace.” I throw him a sympathetic look. “You are so much more than that. Sure, maybe you’ve hit a few bumps along the way…”

  “Bumps?” he snorts. “More like I’ve gone full speed over fucking boulders.”

  He’s not wrong, so I don’t try to dispute his truth.

  “Even still, you’re here. You’re sober.”

  “I guess,” he mumbles, falling silent for a long moment. “Who’s the little girl?” My stomach twists tightly at his question.

  “What little girl?” I play stupid, swallowing past the thick lump that has suddenly found its way into my throat.

  “The little girl in the front yard the other day. The one with the red curls. I saw the two of you when I stepped out for a smoke.”

  “Ellie.” It feels weird saying her name out loud in front of him.

  “Ellie.” His eyes are hot on the side of my face.

  “She’s Keira’s daughter.” The lie rolls off my tongue so easily it’s as if I had almost planned to say it all along.

  Guilt pounds into my chest. I hate lying to him. I hate that I feel th
e need to lie to him. But I’m not ready to share the truth with him… Not yet. Not until I know that he’s serious about staying clean and getting his life together.

  “Keira, your cousin?”

  I nod. Jace has never met Keira. She used to come over all the time when I was little, but then our moms had a big falling out and they stopped visiting. But he knows who she is.

  “She has your hair.”

  “Auburn hair runs in the family on my mom’s side. Keira’s mom has it too,” I explain away the similarities between me and Ellie.

  “Is that why you moved here? Because Keira was here?”

  “It is. I lived with her while I finished nursing school. She helped me when I had nowhere else to turn.”

  “I’m sorry.” I glance over to see his gaze out the window. “I’m sorry that I drove you away. That you felt like you didn’t have any other choice but to leave.”

  “Jace…”

  “I mean it, Oakley. The shit I put you through.” His face swings back toward mine. “It’s inexcusable. Hell, it’s unforgivable.”

  “We all make mistakes.”

  “Can I ask you a question?” He waits until I nod before continuing, “Why are you doing this? Why are you helping me? After everything I put you through, after everything I’ve done…”

  “Because I know the real Jace. And I guess in a way I’m hoping that if I help you, I might get to see him again one day.”

  “I’m not sure that guy even exists anymore.”

  “He does,” I say with complete confidence.

  “How can you be so sure?”

  “Because I can feel it when you look at me.” Our eyes meet for a brief moment before I look back toward the road.

  “I wouldn’t be so sure,” he murmurs. “I really do appreciate you letting me stay with you. I promise I’ll be out of your hair before long. I just have to figure out where to go.”

  “Why don’t you just stay?” I offer, once again wishing I could stop the words from bubbling out.

  It’s like when Jace is around everything gets jumbled. What I should do and what I end up doing never seem to match up, yet I keep digging my hole further.

  “You want me to stay?”

  Do I?

  I mean, yeah, I want to know he’s got somewhere to stay and that he has what he needs, but is it really my job to make sure that he does? Then again, can I really turn him away?

  I already know the answer before I’ve finished asking myself the question.

  “The apartment is just sitting there empty. I don’t use it. It’s not like it’s inconveniencing me to have you staying there.”

  “It’s not your job to take care of me. You know this, right?”

  “I’m not taking care of you. I’m trying to give you a chance at a better life. If you leave now, where will you go? How long until you end up at a bar, or worse, with a needle in your arm?”

  “That’s not going to happen.”

  “You say that now, but we both know it only takes one moment of weakness for all of it to fall apart.”

  “It’s not going to happen. I owe it to Tommy to stay clean. And even if it fucking kills me, I have to do it. For the both of us.”

  “I hope that you can.”

  While his determination gives me hope, I’d be stupid to take his words at face value. It’s easy to say he won’t slip, but actually following through is something else entirely.

  “In the meantime, stay in the apartment. Get back on your feet. Give yourself a real chance.”

  “If I stay, I’m going to pay you.”

  “Jace…”

  “I mean it, Oakley. I’m going back to work next week. Devin has agreed to let me come on full time. The shop is only a couple of miles from your house so I can walk until I’ve saved up enough to get a car. It may not be much, but I will pay you something. Whatever I can spare. And I don’t want you buying me things either. It’s fucking degrading enough having to take handouts. I can buy my own food.”

  “Okay.” I nod in agreement. “But I do have one condition of my own.”

  “What’s that?”

  “You have to be able to pass a drug test whenever I ask you to take one. And I’m being very serious when I say this, Jace. If you fail, even once, you have to leave.”

  I hate how harsh it sounds but at the end of the day, I have to protect myself and I have to protect my daughter. I’ve seen how quickly things can change. I witnessed it firsthand when Jace first started using. I won’t go through that again, and I certainly won’t put Ellie in the middle of that either.

  He nods but doesn’t say a single word.

  Silence settles over us, and while I want to regret asking him to stay, no part of me does. Because I meant what I said. I want him to have a real chance. And if I can help him get that, shouldn’t I help in any way that I can?

  He’s the father of my daughter. If anyone should be in his corner, cheering him onto victory, it should be me. Because at the end of the day, it’s not about me or even Jace. It’s about my sweet baby girl, who deserves the chance to know her father. And not some strung out, half version of him. But the real him. The one I knew. The one I remember so clearly.

  “Hey, Oak.” Jace waits until I’ve pulled into the cemetery and parked the car a few yards from where Tommy’s services are being set up.

  “Yeah?” I kill the engine and unlatch my seatbelt before turning to face him.

  “Thank you. I know I’ve already said I don’t deserve your help, and I don’t. But I also know I’m not in a position to turn it away right now either. So thank you. For believing in me. It’s been a really long time since someone has.”

  “You’re welcome.” I give him a soft smile.

  “I honestly don’t know how I would have gotten through these last few days without you.” He reaches across the console and squeezes my hand.

  The contact makes my heartbeat kick up speed. Even after all this time, the effect his touch has on me has not lessened.

  “As long as you stay clean, I will continue to be here for you. It’s you and me against the world, remember?” I repeat something we said to each other countless times as kids.

  “You and me.” Something passes over his features. Sadness. Regret. Hope. It’s a combination of so many emotions that I can’t pinpoint a single one.

  He releases my hand and turns, pushing open the car door before stepping out into the warm morning sun.

  “I’m going to head back to the car,” I tell Jace, gently touching his forearm. “Talk to everyone. Meet me there when you’re ready.”

  Tommy’s services were basic. A small graveside gathering where a few of his co-workers spoke, as did Jace. The whole thing lasted less than thirty minutes, and even though I tried so hard to focus on what everyone was saying, I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the picture of Tommy propped up behind his casket.

  Death is hard to process. One minute we’re here and the next we’re gone. It’s hard to believe that the lopsided smile that stared back at me throughout the entire service will never show itself to the world again. No one will ever hear his voice or his laugh. He’s gone. Just like that. With such finality.

  “Wait.” Jace grabs my hand before I make it even one step. “Stay with me.” His request is a plea, one that has the emotion that’s been sitting on my chest all morning threatening to come to the surface.

  I nod once, allowing him to wrap his fingers around mine. I try not to read too much into it. He’s hurting and right now he needs something familiar to hold onto. But I’d be lying if I said a part of me didn’t wish it meant more. That it could mean more.

  I stand silently next to him as various people come up to pay their condolences. Out of the roughly thirty people in attendance, I don’t recognize a single one. But it’s clear that they all cared for Tommy very deeply.

  Jace is talking to some guy named Mike when I feel him tense next to me. Swinging my gaze to the side of his face, I see something to the right of
him has drawn his attention.

  “Mother fucker,” I hear him grind out, interrupting Mike mid-sentence.

  I arch forward to see what he’s looking at, my heart dropping into the pit of my stomach the moment I do.

  Preston… Jace’s father.

  I haven’t seen him since I was nineteen, and even with several yards between us I can see that the years have not been kind to him.

  “Jace.” I touch his shoulder in an effort to calm the anger I feel radiating off of him.

  Without a word he shakes off my touch, releasing my hand as he spins and takes off in the direction of his father. His feet hit the ground like heavy blocks, his fists clenched at his sides as he crosses the grassy terrain.

  “Who’s that?” Mike asks from beside me.

  “Jace and Tommy’s father,” I say, my voice thick.

  “Oh fuck.”

  Based on Mike’s reaction, I’m guessing he knows how deeply the bad blood lies within this family.

  “Yeah, oh fuck.” I share his sentiment.

  Nervous prickles pepper up my back as I watch Jace stop in front of his father. They’re too far away for me to hear what they’re saying, but I can tell by their body language that whatever it is, it isn’t good.

  Knowing Jace’s temper and the resentment and anger he harbors for his father, I’m afraid of what he might do. Especially today of all days. Just minutes after he buried his only sibling.

  “I’ll be right back,” I tell Mike, not actually looking at him before I take off toward Jace.

  It doesn’t take long before I hear the angry voices accosting my ears. Just a few more feet and I start to catch snippets of what they’re saying.

  “He was my fucking son!” Preston barks at Jace, straightening his posture as he pokes his finger into his chest.

  I quicken my strides.

  “He hated you. Just like I hate you. Now get the fuck out of here before I give you a taste of your own medicine.”

  “Is that a threat? Big bad drug addict going to show me how tough he is now?” Preston mocks Jace and I can tell by the strain in his shoulders that it’s taking everything in him to maintain a semblance of control.