by Lori Foster
“Yup.” She nodded. “I think I am.”
He slid his jacket off and she watched as it dropped to the floor behind him. “Just for the record, you’re not big enough to take me.”
“Oh no?”
He took a step closer, studying every inch of her body, and if she didn’t know any better she would say she could feel his gaze like it was a touch. But she did know better.
He looked in her eyes. “Not a chance in hell, little one.” He turned away from her, breaking eye contact, leaving her feeling a little bereft. “Let’s start in the middle. You take the left side; I’ll take the right.”
An hour later they were still searching with no luck. “Why can’t we just go to Walmart like everybody else and get decorations?” she complained for the third time.
He turned from the box he was digging in and frowned at her. She smiled at him. He was pretty cute when he frowned.
She went back to looking through the boxes. In actuality she didn’t need to look through the boxes—once they took the dust sheets off she could see that the boxes were labeled and stored together by function, old furniture in one section, old books in another—but it was fun to look through other people’s stuff. She was learning more about Ben, Virgil and the Rowes just by seeing the things that they kept for so long. A small box marked “Photos” caught her attention. There were hundreds of them, snapshots, baby pictures, the Rowes’ family history, all without frames, just left in a box to fade. Suddenly she felt sad, for the forgotten pictures and for herself. She didn’t have very many photos of her baby. Just a few that she had snapped with her shitty cell phone. But the Rowes were different. Their whole lives seemed to be documented in photographs.
She dragged the box over to an antique settee she had uncovered some fifty feet back and sat, pulling a handful of pictures out of the box. It was the picture on top that intrigued her. She stared at the beautiful blond woman in black and white who was sitting so elegantly on a checkered blanket. Dina could tell that the woman, even sitting in the grass, had more poise in her little finger than Dina had in her whole body. She tried to ignore the feeling of inferiority that crept up inside of her, but she knew she didn’t belong there in her seven-dollar dress and cheap boots. She would never truly be comfortable in a life that was so different from the one she had led.
Ben sat next to her, his big body taking up all the remaining space on the settee, his side pressed against hers, and she quickly lost that train of thought. He gently took the picture from her hands and stared at it. “My mother,” he said in a quiet voice. “She was very young here. My father used to consider himself somewhat of a photographer when we were young, but it seemed like most of the pictures he took were just of her.”
“Your parents loved each other?”
“Yes,” he said, looking down at the picture, his thumb lightly stroking over his mother’s face. “More than they loved anything else on the planet.”
“Oh,” was all Dina could say. There was pain there. She could hear it in his voice. Something had happened to her. Virgil had never talked much about his family except to complain about Ben. It now struck her that she had spent six months with a man, given birth to his child and never known anything substantial about him. “What happened to your mother?”
“She died.”
“Ben…”
He looked up at her, knowing that she needed to hear more from him. “Aneurism. I was eight. Virgil was five. Things were never the same after that.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You shouldn’t be.” He looked back down at the picture. “I’m glad you found this. I hadn’t seen her in a very long time.”
There were no pictures up, Dina suddenly realized. Not in his office. Not around the house. It was so different from her own childhood home, where her mother would frame every photograph and school picture and drawing and hang them until there was no space left on the walls.
Dina picked up another picture, this time of two tiny boys snuggled together in a rocking chair.
“Virgil was six months old there,” Ben said quietly. “He looked so much like our mother even then.”
She looked away from the picture and up into his handsome face. “You two look very happy here.”
The corners of Ben’s mouth turned up a bit. “I guess I was. I so wanted to be a big brother.” He fell quiet for a moment still gazing at his younger brother. “I wish I could have protected him better.”
“How can you protect somebody from themselves, Ben?” She had known what it was like to be self-destructive and selfish and have the world try to save her. But in the end she was the only one who could pull herself up. Virgil was the only one who could have saved himself.
“I wish I knew.”
“Can I have some of these pictures?”
Ben blinked at her, surprised by her request. “Why would you want them?”
“For Dash. I want him to know about his family.”
Ben nodded slowly and searched her face as if he was searching for the truth. “I would like that.”
He looked away from her down to the stack of pictures in her hand. The next one was of another elegant blond woman, but this photograph was much more recent than the others and when Ben looked at it she felt his entire body grow tight.
“I think we looked at these enough,” he said tightly.
“Is this your wife? Is this Karen?”
“Let’s find these decorations so I can get back to work.”
“Why won’t you talk about her?”
“Because I can’t!” he snapped.
He moved to get up, but something inside of Dina screamed, No! Not yet! She didn’t want him to walk away just yet even though he had barked at her. She grabbed his arm and pulled him against her in a tight hug. He might not have wanted it, but he needed it. And she needed to be the one to give it to him. There had been so much loss in his life. His parents, his wife, his brother.
“What are you doing?”
“Um…” How could she explain it to him when she couldn’t even explain it to herself? She was holding on to a man she didn’t even like. Only that wasn’t so true anymore. She was holding on to this man because she knew what he was feeling. She knew what it was like to feel loss. “Stalling. I really don’t want to look through any more boxes.”
“Fine.” He pulled himself away from her. “Then I am going back to work.”
Chapter 6
Deck the Halls …
Ben couldn’t sleep that night. He didn’t sleep much these past few years, but tonight the exhaustion that usually overtook him failed to come. He didn’t know what to call the feeling that was rolling around in him, but if he had to name it he would call it guilt.
He had disappointed Dina. He saw it in her face the last time he looked at her before he walked away, but he had to get away from her. She had pulled up a picture of his wife, of Karen. She looked so happy there because it was the day she found out she was pregnant. Two months later that happiness died; two months later the woman he had fallen in love with had started to disappear. He hadn’t wanted to think about it then because he had spent years thinking about Karen and how their marriage had fallen apart. He wanted to escape that moment, but then Dina hugged him, she held him to that warm, lush body of hers and a whole set of unwanted feelings rushed him. He wanted more of her. He wanted to sink into her warmth, and smell her smell and taste her skin and feel her beside him at night and that alarmed him. How could he feel such a heavy attraction for her, the woman who loved his brother, when he was still in love with his wife? This wouldn’t work. A marriage of convenience, of simple friendship, wouldn’t work if he wanted Dina, and he knew in that moment he had to get away.
He found himself going to the nursery. He had learned through Dovie that Dina agreed to let Dash sleep there at night. He was glad for that. The room was meant for children, not to sit empty forever. It had been a very long time since he had been in this room. He avoided it on purpose. But Karen
had spent time here. Days. It was almost sick, but when he walked in and saw little Dash in the crib all of those thoughts melted away. He reached down, stroking Dash’s soft cheek with the back of his finger, amazed by how connected he felt to this little person he had just met. This boy was the only piece of Ben’s family left and he needed to keep Dash in his life. Seeing this boy grow up was something that had to happen or else he would regret it for the rest of his life. That meant he needed to keep Dina around.
“I like to watch him sleep too,” he heard from behind him. “I’m not sure why it isn’t creepy for people to sneak into rooms and watch babies sleep, but if I snuck into Daniel Craig’s bedroom to watch him sleep they would have me thrown in handcuffs faster than I could blink.”
He turned to look at Dina, who was dressed for bed again, only this time she wasn’t in a T-shirt. She wore a tiny baby blue cotton nighty with thin straps whose only purpose was to keep the dress on her body. She was braless. He could see her nipples through the fabric in the chilly room. Her hair was loose. Her long legs were bare and he felt more than attraction when he looked at her. He felt himself grow hard.
“Daniel Craig, huh? Personally, I could never get on board with a blond Bond, but I can see you have a type.”
“Type? My only specifications for a man are two hands and a p—”
“Dina!” he barked.
She grinned at him. “You couldn’t sleep?” She stepped forward and stood next to him, the scent of her shampoo making him want to get closer.
“No, what about you?”
“I’ve never slept more than five feet away from him. I kept thinking something bad was going to happen to him. And then I heard you on the baby monitor. You better be glad I couldn’t find a weapon and gladder that I recognized you, or your brains might be smeared on the carpet.”
“Bloodthirsty.”
“No, I’m a mother. It’s how we are.”
“He’s safe here, Dina. I promise you that. He’s safer here than anyplace else.”
“This place feels too big. I grew up in a tiny house. I couldn’t sleep unless I heard my little sister’s radio through the wall. I can’t sleep knowing he’s so far away.”
She was right. The house did feel too big. It felt isolating, but it was his home. “He’s a boy, Dina. He’s going to need to sleep in his own room eventually.”
“When he’s thirty.” She bent over the crib and kissed Dash’s cheek. “I’ll let him stay here. This room is too beautiful to go unused.” She leaned against Ben for a moment, her bare skin touching his. “He doesn’t seem to care about being away from me. Look at him. I’ve never seen him so peaceful.”
“That’s because you snore. It’s probably the first good night’s sleep he’s gotten since he was in the womb.”
“That’s not true. I don’t snore!” She gave him a sideways glance. “Do I?”
“No.” He smiled at her and she smiled back. For a moment they just looked at each other.
“Why don’t you sleep in your bedroom?”
“I don’t know,” he said truthfully. Sometime in the past few years the room had stopped being functional for him. “I work in my office. I eat in my office. It just makes sense for me to sleep there.”
“I don’t want you to.”
“What?”
“I don’t want you to spend your entire life in your office. Because that’s no life at all.” She reached up and set her hand on his shoulder. “If there’s any chance that this is going to work, you have to be near us. I grew up in a family. I want Dash to have that. I took my family for granted and I lost them. But now it seems that we both have been given a chance to start over.”
“And me sleeping in my bedroom is going to accomplish that?”
“Yes. You want to be his father. I want you to eat with us and play with us and shop with us. I want you to have a life with us. It’s a lot to ask of you, I know, but you asked a lot of me too. You asked me to give up half of my son.”
“Okay, Dina.”
“Okay?” She looked into his eyes so hopefully. It was a very long time since he had seen hope in anyone’s eyes. He couldn’t have disappointed her if he wanted to.
“Okay.” He nodded.
“Thank you.” She stood on her toes and leaned in, giving him a lingering kiss on his jaw. “I know you don’t like hugs. Hopefully my kiss wasn’t too icky for you. Good night, Ben.” She walked away then and he watched her go, hips swaying all the way.
* * *
Dina woke up the next morning to the sun shining through her bedroom window. She had slept past 5:00 am, but she didn’t feel any more rested that she had the day before. She couldn’t sleep last night, at first because she was missing her baby and later because she was thinking about Ben. Ben who walked around at night shirtless. Ben who watched her little boy sleep. Ben who had asked her to marry him yesterday.
Was that just yesterday? It seemed like a million months ago. She knew her life was going to change when she had Dash, but she never expected this to happen. She never expected to be here. She got out of bed, grabbed the baby monitor and walked to the window to look at the snowy landscape below. Dash must still be asleep. She held the monitor to her ear and listened carefully. She thought she heard the sounds of the soft baby noises he sometimes made in his slumber, but she couldn’t be sure. In her mind she knew he was fine. She knew that Ben was probably right, that Dash needed space from her, but she was still his mother and she could peek at him if she wanted.
She opened her door ready to rush down the long hall to get to her baby, but there were boxes stacked in front of it. Boxes … Boxes with labels on them. Outside decorations. Lights. Ornaments. There must have been twenty of them there.
Ben. He did this for her and for a moment she was torn between going to her son and rushing to Ben’s room to thank him. First she went to her son, who was sleeping peacefully, and then she went to Ben, who was also sleeping peacefully. In the bedroom next to hers. Just like he promised.
She jumped onto his high bed and pressed a loud smacking kiss to his cheek. This time she didn’t linger. She remembered last night. The way her lips felt on his hard jaw. The way he still smelled like aftershave even hours after he last touched a razor to his face. “Thank you, you sweet mushy grouchy man.” He didn’t stir and this time she kissed him on his forehead. There was something sweet about him in his sleep that reminded her of Dash. And she was amazed that a man she had never been with could look so much like her son’s father. She was amazed that Ben would want to be Dash’s father.
Ben moaned a little, grabbing her arm and pulling her down on the bed. She yelped and before she had time to think or respond she was underneath his hard body. Underneath all that heavy, smooth, soap-scented muscle. “I missed you,” he murmured.
It was then she knew he was dreaming. He was thinking about his wife. Dina knew that was who was in the picture she had found yesterday. She knew he must still love her very much even so long after she had passed away.
“Um, Ben.” She lifted her hand to his shoulder to wake him, but he shifted her body, taking her legs and wrapping them around his waist.
“Ben?”
He buried his face in her neck. He touched his lips to her skin. His long fingers trailed up the back of her thigh, cupping her behind in his large, warm hands.
“Ben,” she said again, but this time it came out more like a moan than anything else.
“Mmm. You feel really good. Better than I thought.” He pressed a kiss in the soft spot behind her ear that made her melt. “You’re so damn beautiful.”
She was too stunned to speak, too turned on to stop him. Men weren’t like this with her. Sex wasn’t like this with her. It had been wild and adventurous and fast and emotionless. But he was so gentle, and slow and kind. She never thought the man she met just two days ago wearing a frown and a three-piece suit could be so—so damn sexy. But of course it wasn’t her he was thinking of. He could never think of her that way. It was
her son he wanted, the continuation of the Rowe name. She only came as part of the bargain.
He moved his lips to the column of her throat and left a soft, hot, wet kiss behind just as clarity was about to fill her. A moan escaped her lips. Her body shook with sensation and that’s when he brought the lower half of his body right against hers, rubbing her through her underwear. She flooded, like a rainy day during monsoon season.
Holy freaking hell.
It was then she came to her senses. Not that she wanted to, but she had to. She couldn’t sleep with him. That was the last thing they needed. It was the last thing he wanted.
“Um, Ben?” She tapped on his head.
“Dina,” he mumbled, and then froze. “Dina?” He lifted his head and looked down at her, his expression horrified, and a little piece of her confidence died. “What the hell are you doing here?”
“Um … I came to thank you for getting all the boxes from the attic. It must have taken you hours. You’re probably going to be sore. I know how sore I was when I moved, and I only had like three boxes. But I wanted to say thank you and then you pulled me down and then you were on top of me and I thought it would be rude to stop you so I didn’t, but then I did because I figured you would probably be mad when you realized it was me you were trying to have sex with, but for the record I wouldn’t have minded so much, because you really know how to work a girl into a pile of mushy jelly.”
“Stop talking,” he said, and rolled away from her.
She looked down into his tortured face. She hadn’t meant for this to happen. But just like always, disaster seemed to follow her wherever she went. “You don’t have to look so miserable. I know I’m not as gorgeous as some of the women you’ve been with, but I’m not a leper either. And I swear I got my cootie shot before I came here.”
“Dina, I need you to leave this room right now,” he said very calmly.
“Why? It’s no big deal.” She shook her head. “Are you mad at me? I didn’t—”
He pulled down the sheet that was covering him and revealed to her the tent that had sprouted in his boxer shorts. “I. Need. Time. Away from you. Now please.”
