The Death of You

by Allyson Young

  So she’d sought them out this morning to talk, communicate, the sacred freaking word of Doms everywhere. And they’d already had the talk, only not with her. They’d decided to let her go, go on to live her life. Just not with them. She flexed her fingers, still feeling the smooth, buttery leather of the club chair as she’d held on to it for dear life, wondering how her head hadn’t exploded, because her heart quit pumping anything of value. It didn’t feel particularly wonderful to be seen as too much trouble. To be fair, Lawrence had nearly died, a victim of some sneaky shit Ryker pulled, and that would have hit Connor and Rafe where they lived. There had been some damage done to the house, and she could only imagine the favors they’d called in to deal with the bodies of Ryker and the men he’d commanded. The dogs had been hurt too, and it sucked that she couldn’t say goodbye to them. Not that she’d actually said goodbye to the men she loved—and who had professed to love her. Shoved into a taxi and given a peremptory nod was hardly a farewell. At least she’d said thank you, minded her manners.

  A sob choked her and she turned it into a laugh, making a strange garbled sound that had the driver looking at her again. She stared defiantly and he turned his attention back to the road. She absolutely wasn’t going to cry over those two again. Instead she was going to cherish the good times and learn from the bad, because she wouldn’t go back to living alone in isolation, then mistake infatuation and need for love when she had the opportunity to cut loose a little.

  Chapter Ten

  “Maybe we could hit the club tonight.” Connor almost welcomed Rafe’s suggestion. It had taken nearly a week before they’d opened any real kind of dialogue, passing one another in the big house with barely an acknowledgment. Then they’d taken it outside, like real men, and fought one another into the ground. He couldn’t even recall who’d initiated the throw down.

  “What’re you smiling at?” Rafe sounded pissed, but he always sounded pissed these days. It was better than the flat affect, silent Rafe from after Maddy.

  “I was just remembering our impromptu cage fight.”

  Rafe reflexively touched his nose. “It still hurts. And I think it’s off-center.”

  “You were too pretty anyhow.”

  “Yeah, well those stitches in your mouth left you an identifying mark. Probably have to put that on your license.”

  Anann snuggled in for an ear scratch, and Connor obliged. The smooth, velvet feel of the dog’s skin was relaxing, and he ran his hand over her ribs and down to her flank. “The vet did a good job here. I can’t even feel where she was cut.”

  Rafe worked his foot across Hannibal’s belly and the animal huffed in contentment. “This old boy was crippled up for a while after his daredevil leap. Until he figured out the hot tub.”

  Connor groaned. “Don’t remind me. Nothing like dog hair floating around when you want a soak.”

  Rafe didn’t respond, not that Connor expected it. The dogs were allowed pretty much wherever they liked since coming home from the vet. They didn’t actually misbehave—they were too well trained for that—but somehow they’d become more than guard dogs. Mrs. E thought it was hilarious, although likely wasn’t impressed with the extra cleaning. Connor didn’t tell Rafe that Anann slept on the foot of his bed, just like he didn’t ask where Hannibal slept.

  The animals missed Maddy. She really hadn’t been in their house long enough to make her mark, but the dogs searched for her as soon as they got home. Connor missed her too, and the fact he hadn’t been able to locate her was grating on his last nerve. He and Rafe avoided even mentioning her name, so terribly juvenile, but maybe if they didn’t say it out loud it would eventually get easier. The dragging feeling of having something so special slip through their fingers had only been set aside when they’d been hired for a retrieval. Since then business had been quiet, and he’d had lots of time to perseverate.

  “So, the club?”

  “You really want to go?” His cock wasn’t vaguely interested in other women, although it woke him from some extremely erotic dreams featuring Maddy. Refusing to rub one out was his secret punishment.

  “Not to top anyone.” Rafe looked off into the distance. Then his eyes flickered. Connor couldn’t imagine topping anyone ever again, but he supposed life did go on.

  Shifting in his seat, his buddy continued, “I wouldn’t mind a beer with Thomas. He’s called a lot and we keep blowing him off.” The big Dom’s voice messages had become more peremptory of late, and they were both ashamed they’d ignored their friend.

  “He wants to know about Maddy.”

  Rafe shrugged. “What’s to say? We fucked up again and she moved on. He’ll understand that. It’s what we do where she’s concerned.”

  Connor didn’t like to hear that, but didn’t dispute it, either. The master suite was back to exactly the way it had been, but neither of them had been in it since, let alone with another sub. They’d taken on a job maybe two weeks after Maddy left, and it had put them out of the country. A quick infiltration and retrieval of some politico’s kid, a nice little boy who was young enough he might remember it as a grand adventure out of a video game. So maybe they weren’t total fuck-ups. It was freaking pathetic how he clung to that thought.

  They’d gotten word Abbott had disappeared—permanently—and not in a living the life of luxury in another country way. Seemed the Russian mob was a force to be reckoned with, and they weren’t interested in retaining any of Abbott’s previous employees. They certainly wouldn’t be interested in a woman who wasn’t even a bit player and Wilkes had also vanished. Now he was probably living that luxurious life someplace, and Connor wished him well.

  “Did you hear me? I was actually opening a dialogue here.”

  “I was thinking maybe we weren’t total fuck-ups. We got it done.”

  His friend stared at him like he had a screw loose and threw his hands up. “But she wanted out. You heard her say it was over. She didn’t dispute it when I said we’d let her go.”

  “And we were in such a terrific head space, coming off a veritable assault. Thinking so clearly after coming that close to losing Maddy. Knowing it was our fault.”

  “Sarcasm pisses me off, Con.”

  “Then think on it. Like you haven’t been.”

  “I have,” Rafe admitted. “But I keep getting hung up on her going out to the taxi, leaving as though it was destined. She didn’t even look back. Didn’t cry. Nothing. I fucking wake up to it.”

  “You think she’d show us anything when we practically gave her the bum’s rush out the fucking door?” Connor slammed his drink down on the side table and glared at his friend.

  Emotions flashed across Rafe’s features. Shock, confusion, speculation. “Holy fuck. You think she didn’t really want to go?”

  “I think we didn’t take any time to let things shake down, because once again we assumed we knew best. We take charge only when it’s black and white and our feelings aren’t muddled.”

  “Muddled? You been reading girly books, Con?”

  He seriously considered hurling his glass right at Rafe’s stupid head. Except his friend had a point. Although he didn’t know what other word to use. “If I was Maddy, I’d kick our collective asses. We didn’t even tell her where we were at. How we—” Connor didn’t want to use the word. It was probably worse than muddled, but he forced it out. “We didn’t tell her how we felt about what went down. Didn’t invite her feedback.”

  “Shit. And you’re the hearts-and-flowers guy. If you didn’t figure it out, no wonder I didn’t.”

  Connor laughed. Rafe was back to that younger brother again, throwing the shit at his older sibling. Then he sobered. “But now what to do?”

  “I’ve never been to Canada.” Rafe was already up off his chair. Probably going to shove some things into a duffel.

  “She’s not in Canada. At least not under the ID she bought. Not under O’Sullivan or Powell either. I searched all the databases I thought would be relevant, so she’s changed her na
me again.”

  “She might reach out to someone like Alice, now that she’s safe.” Rafe sat again, looking profoundly disappointed, but determined.

  “I suppose it’s a place to start. Let’s go make our apologies to Thomas, see if we can’t talk with Ishmael.” Despite his worry they’d never find her again, Connor could admit to a flare of hope at his friend’s speculation. Good thing he had Rafe, because two heads were definitely better than one.

  ****

  It was her second night back at Vantage, and Maddy was astounded by how well the members received her. Alice had been all over her, and only a very frank explanation had subdued the other sub.

  “You mean, after all that, they cut you loose?”

  “I know. It sounds weird, but they actually put me in a cab and sent me away.”

  She’d been so proud of the way she’d relayed that information. Just the right amount of puzzled acceptance, like it was one of those inexplicable things that happened—no harm, no foul. The first part was accurate anyhow. Alice already knew she’d been in trouble and on the run from a bad guy, and Maddy confided that Rafe and Connor had fixed the problem. It left them right up there in hero land, and Alice let it go.

  Master Thomas had been a tougher nut to crack. In order to gain entrance again, and get a referral to another club, she interviewed on her knees in his office, reminding her of that disastrous night, but she’d been honest. She left out names, citing security issues, and he accepted that, the way he accepted the very real danger she’d been in and how she hadn’t compromised the club. He’d pressed her on the issue of Rafe and Connor withdrawing their notion of making her their permanent submissive, and the same story she told Alice had sent his eyebrows shooting into his hairline. But because it was essentially true he reluctantly accepted it.

  He’d asked if she was doing okay, and that was a bit tougher to answer in a convincing way. But she’d chattered sincerely about now being free to make a life and how much she appreciated Rafe and Connor’s efforts. Both true, if painful. With a measured look, Master Thomas had shrugged and granted her access, but put her back for a training refresher course. It seemed that her acting out against Masters Rafe and Connor required some tuning in, and while it felt unfair, she accepted his edict with grace. It was only a week, in any event, and she didn’t have to connect with any Dom she didn’t choose. And she wasn’t going to choose. Not here.

  It surprised her to learn Rafe and Connor hadn’t been back to the club, although several weeks had passed, and she told herself she was quite relieved, as it would be awkward seeing them. She’d settled back into her neighborhood and dispensed with the fictional friend, buying another car while keeping a low profile until she’d determined Abbott would no longer be an issue. She owed Wilkes for the information, but he was someplace she’d probably never visit, and he’d severed all contact anyhow. University was looking like an option, something in finance, and she knew she’d ace the substantial equivalency entrance exams. Nothing like the life of hard knocks—and money laundering—to give her a leg up.

  She filled her days to the brim in order to survive without thinking, personalizing her space, sprucing up the yard, connecting with the neighbors and combing the Internet for ideas on secondary education and future employment. She’d even started a workout regimen and was considering joining a gym. A trip to the salon had restored her hair to its usual pale blonde, although the ends had to be trimmed, and every time she caught sight of herself in a mirror she liked her look.

  Her sleep was still broken, although not because of flashbacks and nightmares, and she could only hope that the dreams would fade in time. Reaching out to Vantage had happened because she was desperate for human contact with others like her and hoped for a referral to another club. Truly. She only lied to herself when it involved the important things.

  “Earth to Maddy.” Master Jeff passed her a tray. “Clear the tables, girl, and you can stock the bottom shelves.”

  “Yes, Sir. I’m sorry I wasn’t attentive.”

  He winked. “No worries. But keep your head in the game. Master Thomas won’t put his name behind you for The Glove unless you regain your reputation as little miss obedient.”

  She risked a grin. “Is that what they called me?”

  He narrowed his eyes, and she thought quickly. “Is that what the other Masters called me, Sir?”

  “Better, sub. And that was it for sure. You were a joy for those who crave the meek and mild.”

  That felt like a fishing expedition, but Maddy smiled to cover any reaction, lowering her eyes.

  Master Jeff bit instead. “Didn’t know you hid such spirit. We remarked on it, Maddy. Although it was misplaced.”

  “Yes, Sir. It won’t happen again, Sir.”

  “Oh, I hope it does, girl. Shook the place up a bit and reminded us Doms not to get too complacent.”

  She didn’t know what to say to that, so she went about her business, working steadily and willingly until the end of her shift. Master Jeff gave her leave to offer to scene with any of the single Doms, and there were a few new ones, but she politely declined, instead going to sit with a small group of submissives. It was still early, but she was tired and thought she’d head home shortly. A vague feeling she recognized as disappointment plagued her, adding to the fatigue, but she didn’t care to explore it.

  As usual, the gossip and chatter engulfed her and she sat quietly, catching up and smiling and nodding in all the right places. Alice had helped her deflect most of the personal questions. There were a couple of individuals here she liked a lot and hoped she’d meet others at Glove, because she wanted a friend.

  “You’re back.”

  She looked up to see Julie, who had a strange look on her beautiful face. “I am. How are you?”

  “Good. Really good. I didn’t think I’d see you again after you pissed off those Masters.”

  Alice hadn’t shared what had gone down afterward, and obviously no one else had either. Maddy forced a smile. “I’m just here for a bit.”

  “Oh.” Julie looked around. “Are you bottoming for anyone tonight?”

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  Maddy supposed it was a fair question, although she and Julie had never been especially close. “I’m not interested in scening, Julie. Not right now.” And maybe not for a long time, but she sure wasn’t sharing that.

  “You don’t really fit in here.”

  What was this? She had another five nights to go for that referral, not that it was any of Julie’s business. And she wanted it to ensure she got into a reputable club, having heard enough horror stories. With her history she didn’t care to risk ending up with a bad Dom, it being enough her heart had been shredded by two good ones. Maddy thought she was not only adept at lying to herself, she was also self-destructive and didn’t want to continue on that path. So rather than risk getting suspended, she tempered her answer when she really wanted to lip off. Or smack the bitch.

  “I’m sorry you think that.”

  “You’re like that goody-two-shoes in school. Sucking up and being so sweet. You don’t scene hardly at all and so all the Doms are panting after you because they think you’ve got something special going on.”

  Maddy swallowed a laugh. She was special all right. So special she’d lasted a whole couple of days in a D/s relationship, one so intense it had put her on the curb. The bitterness that welled up her throat was surprising, like her body was betraying her when her mind was on top of things. “I’m not special, Julie.”

  “Masters Rafe and Connor are mine.”

  “Okaaaay.” Do they know that?

  “They are,” the other woman insisted. “They’ll be here later. I just heard Master Thomas calling them. And you better stay out of my way.”

  Well, what in hell had she expected? That she’d get through this week without laying eyes on them? Without seeing—or at least hearing about—them scene with Julie? Fuck her? Or other subs? It became an effort
to take in enough oxygen to function, and she was glad she was sitting down. This was ridiculous and she had to consider she’d come back to Vantage just to see them and prove she was over whatever it was they had going on. Admit she’d come back hoping to see them. That was okay. Like aversion therapy or something.

  “Are you listening to me?”

  “Got it, Julie. Totally clear.” She turned away from the woman, shutting out the sight of her teensy tiny body and big boobs, all brassy blond hair and big baby blues. The other woman had said later. Maddy didn’t really want to see Rafe and Connor after all, so it was time to go. Julie muttered for a while, then engaged with two other subs.

  When she thought enough time had passed so it didn’t look as though she was running away, Maddy made her way to the locker room and retrieved her cape. Nadia flashed her usual happy smile as she passed the front desk. “Hey, Maddy. Going home?”

  “Yup. Done my shift and I’m tired. Not used to all that physical labor,” she joked, keeping an eye on the door.

  “I know. I didn’t like serving tables much. I was always afraid I’d spill or drop something and Master Jeff would get ticked.”

  “Master Jeff is a good guy. He wouldn’t be angry.” Maddy wanted to get going, but the other woman seemed so wistful.

  “You don’t think? Anyhow, I don’t mind working the desk. You’re down for tomorrow night, by the way.”

  “I am?” Maddy laughed, edging toward the exit, and Nadia smiled. “I guess Master Thomas is using me to fill all the shifts.”

  “You’re really only here for the week?”

  “Uh-huh. I want a referral.”

  “For sure. I might move on too. Change being good and all.”

  Maddy saw Nadia stare off in the direction of the bar, and wished she possessed some matchmaking skills. “Are you going to be here tomorrow night? Being your night off and all?”