The Death of You

by Allyson Young

  “Maybe. Depends on what else is going on.”

  “Master Jeff will be short-handed again. If you’re not busy you could volunteer, maybe.”

  Nadia turned to stare at her, her sweet face pensive. “Maybe.”

  Making her escape, Maddy headed out to her car under the still watchful eye of Matt, who waved her off once she clambered inside. She hammered down the locks and breathed a sigh of relief. Dodged a bullet, Maddy. Even though you willingly put yourself square in the gun’s sights. Idiot.

  She drove home without thinking too much. Denial was, after all, not just a river in Egypt and it seemed she was excellent at it. Add that to being self-destructive and there wasn’t much hope for her at all. Or maybe she was just an undiscovered masochist.

  ****

  “Well, the prodigal sons have returned, although I’m mixing my metaphors.”

  “What the fuck, Thomas?” Rafe liked and respected the big Dom, but sometimes he was a pain in the ass. They were here to check in and hopefully find out if Maddy had been in touch with anyone, and Thomas was being a dick. “We know it’s the end of the night, but we’re here.”

  “I meant knights in shining armor. Seriously.”

  “Right.” Connor ordered a beer from Jeff, who slid it to him with a strange look. Despite Connor’s compelling story tonight, Rafe didn’t think his friend really believed it, the way he shit on Thomas’s compliment. Although that compliment had been laced with sarcasm.

  “I heard an interesting story. Called you to relate it and check out the veracity, but it was enough to allow a certain little sub back in the club. Although just for a week, on probation so she—”

  The rest of Thomas’s words were lost in the sounds of Connor choking on his beer and Rafe’s own subdued roar. “What the fuck?”

  “Care to take this to my office?”

  Master Jeff was looking extremely interested, as were a few others further down the bar. Even some in the crowd clustered around the stations were turning their direction, lured from the scenes being played out, by the one at the bar.

  “Maddy’s looking pretty good,” Jeff said brightly, and Rafe wanted to choke him. “See you after your…meeting?”

  Connor was already heading after Thomas, so Rafe lifted a shoulder. “Maybe.”

  “Seems like there’s a story there, and you know us bartenders. We listen good.”

  Rafe hustled to the owner’s office and dropped into a chair beside Connor after kicking the door shut. Thomas leaned back in his own seat and studied them. “Madeline called me. Imagine my surprise. A submissive I suspended calls me out of the blue and her Doms haven’t been here or in contact after that debacle weeks ago when I turned a blind eye to you…pursuing her. You’ve ignored my calls.”

  “We’ve been out of the country.” Rafe wished for his excuse back as soon as it fell out of his mouth. He manned up. “It’s a long story and some of it we can’t share.”

  “Then maybe you can confirm your submissive’s story.”

  “I’m afraid she’s not our submissive, Thomas.” Connor’s voice was filled with such deep resignation that Rafe hurt for them both. He lashed out the way he always did when deep feelings freaked him out.

  “Fuck you, Connor. Don’t go all pussy on me.”

  Connor glared at him and clenched both fists.

  “She’s tied you up in knots.” Thomas contributed that sage piece of wisdom with the weary air of a man who knew exactly of what he spoke.

  “You’ve got that right.”

  “She called for a referral to a reputable club. Commendable, seeing as Madeline has apparently taken some risks in her short life.”

  Rafe snorted. “She had no choice. She’s probably the bravest, most resourceful woman I know.”

  “So then when she came here and explained that she preferred a different club, but a reputable one, it wasn’t to avoid you?”

  “No idea. We haven’t spoken to her in weeks.”

  “We thought she was in Canada.”

  “Canada?” The other man shook his big head and rubbed his hand over his jaw.

  “She was on her way to Canada after we got her kicked out of the club,” Connor explained.

  “She was on suspension.”

  “Semantics. Rather than risk telling us why she’d lied on her application and used a false ID, she was moving on. We took exception and…kidnapped her…and told her we’d take care of her problem. And we convinced her to stay. She trusted us.”

  The big Dom made a noise but didn’t elaborate, although he’d likely discuss the kidnapping further at another time.

  Rafe jumped in. “We took care of the problem but rather poorly because we didn’t give enough credit to the intel she provided, and it was a mess. We assumed she’d rightfully lost the faith she put in us and wanted out. So we let her go, thinking it was for the best, but it was really about our egos.”

  “Exactly.” Connor was looking at him with respect, and maybe like someone else had taken over his body, but it was time Rafe put into words what he knew to be true. His friend nodded at him and continued. “That’s it exactly. We did good, considering the odds. And I’ve learned that the old adage is true about not being objective enough when it’s your own you’re protecting.”

  Rafe slouched in his chair, scrubbing his face with both hands. “We should have let one of the other guys take the lead. I know.”

  “Are you finished having a conversation you should have had some time ago?” Thomas was such a jerk, and the truth did indeed hurt. Rafe contented himself with a glare.

  “You lost control.” The big Dom coined it.

  “You think?” Rafe conceded the point.

  “Well, your little sub told me you’d given her a life and was full of admiration and appreciation for what you’d done for her. And she was lying through her teeth most of the time. Hence my unanswered phone calls to you.”

  “Excuse me?”

  Thomas groaned. “Okay. Maybe she’s happy to have a life, and I can only guess at what she meant by that, but I’ll take it at face value. I talked to Ishmael. And I’ve talked to Alice. Maddy has been a busy girl, and what’s more, she’s open about it, very unlike before. She’s embracing life.

  “And she might appreciate what you did, admire you even, but when I asked her if she was okay… She’s so pissed off at you I thought she’d grind her teeth to powder. And that fury is all that’s holding her together.”

  An epiphany in a BDSM club. “Because we set her free.”

  “After you pursued her and presumably told her you wanted to explore a permanent D/s relationship. Enough to make her problems go away. Do I have that right?”

  It was Rafe’s turn to groan and Connor echoed him.

  “She’s only been back two nights. Serving. Tomorrow night she’s taking the desk. I told her I’d assign her anything I could use her for and she didn’t flinch, and she agreed to any night I requested. She hasn’t scened and I actually didn’t expect her to, but I think I’ll change that parameter.”

  Rafe growled. He actually growled and was thrilled to be drowned out by Connor’s loud protest. “No fucking way.”

  “Please, gentlemen.” Rafe didn’t think Thomas meant that title, and he kept his mouth shut this time. “She can work the door, and I’ll tell her that I’ve arranged a scene to address her lack of honesty. It’ll take the remainder of her commitment off the table and she can have her referral.”

  “And she’ll scene with us.” Rafe liked the way the other man thought.

  “Ah, give the man a cigar.” Thomas’s sarcasm was getting old.

  But Rafe was a bit puzzled. “I don’t follow the honesty piece. She told us the truth, and you, too.”

  “Did she?”

  “I still don’t follow.”

  Connor interjected. “She didn’t call us on our behavior.”

  “Precisely.”

  “But we didn’t discuss protocol or expectations, Thomas. We don’t do contrac
ts, but we do talk things out. We just didn’t have enough time.”

  “And what did you have time for? Besides addressing her problem.”

  Thomas knew them too well. Rafe answered for Connor, who was clearly struggling with his usual need to follow protocol to a T.

  “We fucked her brains out and committed to her. There isn’t any clear path with Maddy, and there wasn’t from the start. We fucked up and now we have to fix it. And besides, if you’re right, and Maddy is furious with us, she should have said something.” Rafe knew exactly what happened when a defense mechanism failed, and it wasn’t pretty. It was their job to catch her before she fell. He needed their sub around when his layers peeled back, and so did Connor, for that matter. Maybe not a match made in heaven, but one meant to be, all the same.

  Connor frowned, still obviously not on board. “I think we should talk to her first.”

  Rafe stared at him, as did Thomas, and Connor caved. He smiled widely. “What the hell. Count me in.”

  It was like planning an op, only this time Thomas was in charge and they were quite willing to follow his orders. Like any good commander, he was fine with tweaking the plan and open to suggestions. For the first time since Maddy left—had been excused from their lives—Rafe thought he might view the future in a far more positive light. Connor was as revved up as he’d ever seen his friend and while their friendship had weathered the perceived loss of their submissive, it was good to know that it would once again be strengthened, and made even better.

  “We’ll be back tomorrow night,” he promised Thomas. By the time Maddy was finished with her shift, they’d have their favorite room for scenes all ready. It seemed there was still enough of the kid in him to anticipate throwing a surprise party. Maybe they’d play twenty questions, or Rafe and Connor says, or blind man’s bluff, pin the tail on Maddy—the possibilities were endless, but by the end of it she’d be theirs, claimed and thoroughly satisfied. Best laid plans…

  Chapter Eleven

  “Damn it.” Maddy remained in her new car, a sweet little blue number that tended to get up and fly on the straightaways. She studied the façade of Vantage and once again debated her choices.

  Master Thomas had called her first thing in the morning when she wasn’t at her best. In fact, she’d decided over the past few weeks that mornings were highly overrated, especially when she didn’t get to bed until the morning. So, while she’d heard his proposition—wrong word, one a person shouldn’t use when a sex club was involved—she hadn’t processed it well. He’d clicked off when she’d agreed, and if she had a dollar for every time she had grabbed her phone to call and cancel…

  Scenes were what BDSM was about, so what was her problem? She’d dabbled some during training, had that aborted one with Connor and Rafe, and participated in an interrogation decked out like a scene. It wasn’t like Master Thomas would put her at risk. And maybe he just wanted her to get one under her belt to ensure him she was doing okay and suited to the Lifestyle.

  So she’d driven all the way here, refusing the offer of a car, something else she wondered about. What kind of scene was he planning, exactly? No way would she leave until she felt able to drive, and it wasn’t as though she’d be hitting subspace. With a sigh she turned off the ignition and climbed out. Her footsteps dragged but she eventually gained the door and managed a smile for Matt, who nodded gravely as he allowed her entry.

  “Hey, Maddy. You’re working the desk tonight.”

  “Hey. I am. Is it going to be busy, do you know?”

  The bouncer shrugged and looked away. “I think so. Hopefully you won’t be overwhelmed.”

  She was reading something into everything these days. It was the desk, for goodness’ sake. “I think I can handle doing sign-ins and handing out tickets,” she said dryly.

  “Uh-huh.”

  “It’s my last night anyhow. Catch you later.”

  Matt laughed, or at least she thought he did, before the door closed on the sound. Weird.

  She went straight to the change room and hung up her new cape in her assigned locker, enjoying the sumptuous feel of the silky fabric. Then, squaring her shoulders, she went in search of Master Thomas to tell him she was moving on once again, after tonight. He wasn’t in his office, but she caught up to Alice. The woman swept her in for a big hug, and the familiar scent of Patchouli filled Maddy’s nostrils.

  “Maddy. You’re on the desk?”

  “So it seems,” she laughed. “Everybody know my assignments?”

  Alice smiled strangely. “Uh, no. I mean, I heard you were filling in for Nadia tonight.”

  “Is she here?” Maddy stood on tiptoe and looked toward the bar. Master Jeff was there, setting up drinks, but she didn’t see the other submissive. It was too bad, but her matchmaking skills were untried, after all.

  “Nadia? Maybe. I don’t know. Why?”

  “Are you okay?” Alice was looking everywhere but at her.

  “I’m fine, Maddy. Just glad to see you.” The other woman fussed with her hair and adjusted her corset.

  Okay, then. It was probably her, on edge. “Have you seen Master Thomas?”

  “He’s with—” Alice’s eyes widened and she caught her bottom lip between her teeth.

  “Alice? With who? What’s wrong?”

  “He’s with Ishmael. They’re setting up your scene.”

  “You know about that?” Lord, the way gossip flew around here. Maddy cast a look around, not exactly interested in an audience for her first scene in…well, in some time.

  “Uh…yes. And I think it’s a good idea.”

  She wrapped her fingers around Alice’s wrist and waited for the other sub to look at her. “Because?”

  “I think you came back here for company and because it’s what you know. But you aren’t figuring out what the Lifestyle can offer you, and you need to be here primarily for that reason.”

  Maddy felt as though she’d been slapped. She thought Alice liked her, and she’d been so welcoming. And while the part about returning to Vantage for camaraderie and the familiar was true, she’d already figured out the other, hence her search for Master Thomas. She forced herself to smile at Alice but couldn’t formulate anything verbal. Where was she supposed to make friends? Maybe there was a bowling team or something looking for someone with a major handicap.

  She turned on her heel and headed for the front of the club. Master Thomas would have worked with Master Ishmael for naught, because she wasn’t doing a scene. She hadn’t been honest with anyone, including herself, about why she returned to Vantage, not until that little confrontation with Julie, anyway. It was high time to be honest with herself. Not seeing Connor or Rafe had been a bummer. It sucked. But that was the way it was, and she’d accepted the only way she’d be part of the Lifestyle was as their submissive. So, no scenes for her, ever again. No point in prolonging the torture. Tomorrow she’d pick up the pieces and move on.

  “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, Maddy.” Alice caught up to her and took her hand. The older woman looked stricken. “What did I say to hurt you so bad?”

  Maddy gently extricated her hand. “No worries, Alice. Home truths always hurt, and you and I don’t have much in common away from here. I get it.”

  “I didn’t mean that at all. I was so glad to see you again. It’s only that…” Alice tapered off, clearly at a loss.

  “You said it. I’m not taking advantage of the Lifestyle. I’d figured out it’s not for me, which is why I was looking for Master Thomas.”

  “Oh.” Surely there was no need for Alice to look so nonplussed. It was altogether strange.

  “I gotta go. People will be arriving. Catch you later.”

  Maddy hurried off to the desk, resolved to do her last task at Vantage well and use it to keep all those unpleasant feelings at bay. Alice would relay her decision to Ishmael, who would in turn share with Thomas, like the old telephone game her mom taught her, courtesy of her grandmother. Maddy smiled, despite the emotional
blow Alice had dealt her. Coming to terms with her mom’s death and thus discovering her own ability to love others was the best thing to have come out of her time with Rafe and Connor. Now she just had to figure out how to make smarter choices in building relationships. This eternal optimism gig was freaking exhausting, but better than crying all the time.

  ****

  “Trust our Maddy.” Connor sat on the spanking bench and scuffed the toe of his boot against the tiles. Rafe was actually shoving his hands through his hair, obviously forgetting he’d tied it back, and there were strands sticking up every which way. It personified how he felt—their plan in disarray.

  Thomas leaned against the wall, massive arms crossed, looking as annoyed as Connor had ever seen him. Ishmael had just left, towing Alice along with him, the sub still wiping tears and carrying on about keeping secrets and hurting Maddy’s feelings because of them.

  “So Maddy changed her mind about the scene and in the course of looking for me to say so, she met Alice who tried to cover and only succeeded in having Maddy think she doesn’t belong here. And that Alice doesn’t want to be her friend.” Rafe was getting good at summarizing their fuck-ups.

  Thomas gestured around the room. “Waste of a perfectly good scene.”

  Connor didn’t see it that way. They’d crafted the room to capitalize on their talent and give Maddy the scene of a lifetime, bring her such pleasure and make amends for their stupidity. And of course have her beg their forgiveness for walking out their door without a fight. It would be easy to replicate it.

  “She’s complicated,” was all he said.

  The big Dom snorted. “She most certainly is. Is there a Plan B?”

  Rafe shoved his hair back into a ponytail. “I’m going out there to fetch her. That’s Plan B.”

  Connor shrugged. “It’s all I’ve got.”

  “I like it. Simple. To the point. And if she safewords?” Thomas ruined it.

  “She won’t.” Rafe’s certainty was contagious, and Connor got to his feet.