Cool Shade

by Theresa Weir

  Everybody had laughed.

  Before he’d fallen back to sleep, he may have laughed, too. He couldn't remember. When he was finally coherent, he'd asked the counselor, "So, what's the game plan?"

  "For you to help me to help you learn to help yourself. I want you to be able to go anywhere, do anything."

  But was that what he really wanted? Eddie wondered.

  ~0~

  "Enid is gone," Evelyn told Maddie as they finished gluing the last remnant on the last cement step. Now Evelyn's steps, patio, and sidewalk were covered with carpet.

  "Some guy in a big car came and helped her move. Out-of-state plates."

  Vanished again, Maddie thought, picking dried glue from her fingers.

  "So if you need a place to stay..."

  Was it possible that Evelyn was beginning to like her?

  "I need to rent it out right away, so I don't lose any more money."

  "Thanks, but I found a little downstairs apartment on Eighth Street." It worked especially well since she slept days and craved the darkness only a windowless basement bedroom could bring. And the darkness of the apartment went well with the darkness in her heart.

  She felt so empty. So betrayed.

  Enid. Gone. All that was left of her family.

  Eddie. He hadn't even tried to contact her. What had she expected? She'd called him a scumball. She'd accused him of trashing Enid's house. He probably hated her.

  Jonathan. She hadn't heard from him either. Maybe it was for the best, but she missed him. She missed their talks.

  And her period was late. She was afraid she might be pregnant.

  Her black mood must have been apparent even to Evelyn, who wasn't terribly perceptive.

  She gave Maddie an awkward pat on the shoulder. "It was nothing you did," she said gruffly. "That sister of yours was just plain bad."

  Maddie had to tell somebody. She couldn't keep it to herself any longer. "Evelyn, I think I might be pregnant."

  "Pregnant? Oh, my. Oh, my. I didn't even know you were dating anybody— and I don't miss much."

  "I'm not."

  "Well then, dear, who's the father? He should be here, supporting you."

  Maddie pulled in a deep breath. "The father is Eddie Berlin."

  The color drained from Evelyn's face. "Eddie Berlin?"

  Oh, boy. Somewhere in the entire mess, Maddie had forgotten about Evelyn thinking that Eddie had hired a hit on her nephew.

  "You've knocked me for a loop, girl."

  "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. I'm not even certain that I'm pregnant. Just forget I mentioned it, okay?"

  Evelyn's eyes took on a faraway look, and her color returned to normal. "A baby. I haven't been around a baby in years. Will you let me hold it? Your baby? Just for a little while? A baby. Imagine that."

  ~0~

  "Why don't you just give me a lobotomy so we can be done with all this crap?" Eddie's feet were propped up on the coffee table. "It would be a lot less painful."

  They weren't moving as quickly as he'd like. Damn slow, if you asked him.

  "You're doing great," April told him.

  "I was scared. Scared as hell."

  Shrinks like to throw you into a situation while holding your hand and talking you through it.

  "But you did it," April insisted. "You went to the bank and made a deposit. You washed your clothes at the Laundromat. You're making progress."

  "You must have forgotten the grocery store." He'd gotten halfway through his shopping and freaked out. He'd abandoned the cart in the middle of fruits and vegetables, hauled ass outside and dove into April's car, begging to be taken back to the center.

  That wasn't what he called progress.

  "So we had to leave. That's to be expected. We'll just keep trying until you can make it all the way through."

  That's what he was afraid of.

  ~0~

  Maddie slammed on the brakes and came to a complete stop in the middle of the road.

  Strange. Walking along the sidewalk was a woman, a very beautiful woman, with a dog. Not just any dog. This dog looked just like Murphy.

  No wonder Eddie hadn't tried to get in touch with her. He had more interesting things to do. She was gorgeous. Poised. Elegant.

  In other words, everything Maddie wasn't.

  ~0~

  With perspiration pouring down her face, her head spinning, Maddie struggled to keep her voice normal.

  "Here's a little Natalie Merchant to take you into the midnight hour," Maddie said into the microphone. "Natalie, you are so together." She pushed the play button, took off her headphones, and leaned back in the chair.

  That didn't make her feel any better.

  She leaned forward.

  Worse.

  A half second later, she gasped and doubled over with pain.

  Cramps.

  She'd never had such horrible cramps.

  Hand shaking, she managed to load eight CDs. Without paying any attention to individual songs, her goal being to avoid dead air, she punched in some random numbers, then ran to the bathroom, reaching it as another wave of cramps hit her.

  Her period.

  She'd started her period.

  She was four weeks late. Did that count as a miscarriage?

  She let out a little sob and pressed a hand to her trembling mouth. All for the best, she tried to tell herself. All for the best. She wouldn't have been a good mother. She couldn't even take care of Hemingway.

  What was she talking about? She would have been a good mother. She would have been a great mother. A cool mother. The coolest.

  ~0~

  "How’s your daily journal coming?" April asked, crossing her legs.

  Was it Eddie's imagination, or was April wearing more makeup, doing something different with her hair?

  "I've been writing."

  They were sitting in her office, both of them in soft, comfortable chairs, sunlight streaming in.

  "Oh? What kind of writing?"

  "Poetry."

  "I didn't know you wrote poetry."

  "Just trying it out."

  "That's wonderful."

  "Good material in the nuthouse. Did you know James Taylor wrote one of his best songs about a girl he met in the nuthouse?"

  "Eddie, this isn't a nuthouse."

  "'Fire and Rain.' Just goes to show you never know what's going to impact your life. He wasn't thinking, While I'm here, I'm going to write this song that people are going to be listening to twenty-five years from now."

  Eddie's time was almost up. He couldn't believe he'd been there over five weeks.

  "You'll be leaving here in two days. How do you feel about that?"

  Scared. Scared shitless.

  But he'd conquered the grocery store two times all by himself. And he'd been to a post office, and out to eat. He'd even driven around town although he didn't have a driver's license.

  April was a damn good sport, he had to admit.

  "I don't know," he finally admitted, answering her question.

  She leaned forward, looking him square in the eye. "I'll miss you."

  Don't do this, he wanted to say. Don't come on to me. You're nice, but this just won't work.

  He wasn't any prize, but there weren't a whole lot of men to choose from in the old rehab center.

  "You have my number," she told him. "And here—" She pulled out a business card, scribbled something on the back, and handed it to him.

  Her nails were long. Pink. Hadn't they been short and chewed when he checked in? Yeah. That's right, because he'd wondered what kind of shrink chewed her nails.

  He looked at the back of the card.

  Her home phone number.

  "It won't be easy. You'll have some rough days, but don't let them set you back. If you need anything, need to talk," she said, "just call."

  What kind of woman would want a guy she'd fixed? And yet he didn't know if he could get along without her. She had the uncanny ability to talk him out of his pa
nic attacks. And that was something he found extremely attractive. Not that she wasn't nice looking. She was. But she didn't excite him. Didn't challenge him. Didn't make him feel alive.

  To give her some sign that he might be interested was a temptation. But it wouldn't be fair to her, and it wouldn't be fair to him. Even if he could fall crazy in love with her, she would always be a reminder of his weaknesses.

  He didn't want to lean on the woman he loved. He didn't want to be a burden to the woman he loved. He wanted an equal relationship, one that he could contribute to. That was the only way a guy could feel whole.

  "Thanks." He held out his hand.

  She paused, then took it, giving it a strong, friendly shake.

  He'd never looked past the moment. Now he could see into tomorrow, and it scared him. Was he ready to go out there? The thought scared the hell out of him.

  But Maddie was out there. If he just returned home to remain in his safe world of self-imposed exile, there would never be a chance of seeing her again.

  And he wanted to see her again.

  Chapter 26

  Panic Pure

  "KOWL, voice of the night," Maddie said into her headphone set.

  She was bored. And blue. And tired.

  "Mary."

  "Jonathan." She pressed a hand to her mouth. It was so good to hear his voice.

  "Are we on the air?"

  She checked the monitor light, just to be sure.

  She had so much to tell him, so much she needed to talk to him about. "You're fine."

  "Good."

  "I was afraid I'd never hear from you again."

  "I've been away."

  "On a vacation?"

  "I've been in a kind of… hospital."

  "Hospital?" Her heart almost stopped. "Are you sick?"

  "I guess you could call it a drying-out kind of place."

  "Rehab?" Not Jonathan. But she'd always sensed tragedy about him. "You've been in rehab?"

  "Nuthouse. I prefer nuthouse. More politically correct, you know."

  No, oh no. Not Jonathan. Had their last conversation pushed him over the edge? "I'm so sorry. I wish I'd known."

  "It's okay. I'm okay. There's only one problem. The reason I went was because of this person I met. Because of her, I wanted to try to get my life together."

  "And that's a problem?"

  "Yeah, because she's taken off. She’s gone. I can't figure out why the people I love always go away."

  He was breaking her heart. "I'm sorry." How inadequate her words seemed. "I have to play another song. Don't hang up, okay?" Now that she had him on the line, she didn't want to lose him. "You'll still be here when I get back, won't you?"

  "Sure. And Mary? I missed you."

  ~0~

  He had missed her, Eddie realized, sitting on his front porch, Murphy, who hadn't moved twelve inches from his side since he'd picked him up from Joan's care, at his feet, both of them waiting for Mary to come back on the line.

  He'd started calling her because he liked her voice, and because he liked her style, but then he'd quickly realized he liked her. Her personality. Her sense of humor. The way she said what was on her mind.

  She talked about things that mattered. Not just the weather. Not just about the latest television show.

  They thought alike.

  And never had he been able to say that about anybody. All his life he'd viewed the world from a skewed perspective. And now he'd finally met someone who was seeing the same world he was seeing.

  That was a good feeling.

  Talking with Mary made him understand just how lonely his life was. Talking with Mary made him feel less lonely.

  Maddie.

  What about Maddie?

  He missed her. Especially now that he was back. She was so cool. So exasperating. So hot, so sweet, such a temptation.

  Maddie was a challenge.

  Maddie was a handful.

  Maddie was gone.

  Back to Arizona. Back to a boyfriend. Back to somebody who didn't attack her and hold her prisoner. Somebody who wasn't a scumball.

  "You still there?" Mary asked, coming back on the line.

  "Right here."

  They fell into their old pattern of conversation, as if no time had passed, as if they’d talked yesterday.

  "Do you think it's important to retain family ties, even if the only blood between the relatives is bad blood?" she asked him.

  "Sometimes," he began, "if a relationship is destructive, you have to move on for your own well-being."

  She was quiet a moment. "It's tragic when someone stays in an abusive situation."

  "Mary, is someone hurting you?"

  "No, I'm fine."

  She didn't sound fine.

  "I've moved on," she said.

  "Good. I'm glad." Maybe it was time to try a new subject, something not as painful. "So what else has gone on while I was away? Got a boyfriend yet?"

  At first she didn't answer. "No."

  The way she said it, with a kind of hesitation, told him she was holding back. "Come on. What's the deal?"

  "Not a boyfriend. Boyfriend isn't the word for him."

  "Somebody you like then."

  "I'm not even sure about that."

  "Are we talking physical attraction?"

  "Exactly."

  "Are we talking sex?"

  There was a pause. "Yes."

  "Are we talking good sex?"

  "Yes."

  "And you have a lot to compare him to?" he ventured.

  "Actually, no."

  She was quiet a moment, as if wondering how much more she should reveal. "He was my first. My only."

  "You were a virgin before you slept with him?" He didn't know anybody was a virgin anymore.

  "Yes." That single syllable sounded defensive. "Is there something wrong with that?"

  "Hell no."

  "I have to run an ad, then put on a new song."

  "Hey, Mary."

  "Yeah?"

  "Play that P. J. Harvey song. 'To Bring You My Love.' Will you do that?"

  "Sure."

  Anxious to get back to Jonathan, Maddie quickly found the CD and slid it into the player. "Here's a little P.J. Harvey for you. Am I the only person who wonders how someone so tiny can have such a deep voice?"

  Then she went back to the phone, to Jonathan. "I have something else I need to tell somebody."

  "Shoot."

  "I—" she swallowed, "I was pregnant."

  "Jesus." There was silence while he apparently digested her announcement.

  "Was?"

  "I had a miscarriage."

  "Oh, Mary."

  "It was—" Her voice trembled. "Awful."

  "Was the father this guy you were talking about?"

  "Yeah."

  "Does he live with you?"

  She made herself take a few deep breaths as she struggled to pull herself together.

  "No. It's just me and my cat."

  "Your cat? You have a cat? What's its name?"

  "Hemingway. I know it's a weird name for a cat, but I just always liked it." She became aware of the dead silence on the other end of the line. "Hello? Are you there? Hello?" They must have gotten disconnected. "Jonathan? Are you still there?"

  "Yeah." His voice sounded odd, years older suddenly. "I have to see you."

  "Someday, maybe."

  "Tonight. Right away."

  "I can't."

  "You have to."

  "I can't just leave."

  "Put on an eight-hour reel. You have to have some of those around."

  "Are you in trouble?"

  "Big trouble. Will you come?"

  He'd just gotten out of the nuthouse. The girl he loved had dumped him and moved away. "You're scaring me," she said.

  "Mary—will you come? Please tell me you'll come."

  "I'll come."

  "Do you know where the national forest is?"

  "Along Highway Thirty-one?"

  "That's it. Turn righ
t at the road sign and drive back in the trees about a half-mile. There's a tower. An observation tower. Meet me there."

  He hung up.

  A tower.

  Good God. He’d suddenly sounded so upset and desperate. Was Jonathan going to try to kill himself?

  Chapter 27

  Into the Fire

  With both hands gripping the steering wheel, Maddie leaned forward in the seat and squinted through the windshield, the wipers clattering as they fought a layer of heavy dew. The car's headlights, never great under the best of conditions, illuminated a few feet in front of her.

  The scent of pine came rushing in the open window. Maddie felt a twinge of something like homesickness, the smell recalling a brief time when she'd resided in the Northwest, where the mountains, with their jagged peaks, had both frightened and awed her.

  She lifted her foot from the accelerator, put her face even closer to the windshield, and strained her eyes for a glimpse of the sign Jonathan had told her to watch for.

  There.

  Wooden, with carved lettering: OBSERVATION TOWER 1/2 MILE

  She turned right, towering pines on either side of her, the high beams bouncing off tree trunks. Then she was heading down a narrow dirt road.

  The lane ended in a cul-de-sac directly below the tower. There was no other car around.

  Had he come?

  She pulled to a stop near the foot of the tower, cut the engine, turned off the lights, and bailed out.

  "Jonathan!"

  "Up here!"

  The voice, muffled by the distance and heaviness of the air, had come from the top of the tower.

  Oh God.

  She ran to the base, her feet slipping in the loose sand. "I'm coming! Don't do anything! I'll be right there!"

  Hand gripping the railing, she hurried up the steps, taking some of them two at a time. At the third level, she paused long enough to look up. Way up.

  She looked down, noting that she’d hardly put a dent in the distance.

  She continued, trying to pace herself. "I'm coming!"

  Soon she was higher than the treetops, high enough to feel a soft, damp breeze, high enough to see stars from horizon to horizon, high enough to see the twinkling lights and the alien landscape glow of Chester, Nebraska.

  Finally, her lungs burning, side and legs aching, she reached the last level—a small room with open windows on all four sides. The wood beneath her palm wasn't as smooth now. Not near the number of people had made it to this point.