Cool Shade

by Theresa Weir

  She blinked into the darkness. "Jonathan?"

  "Hello, Maddie."

  The voice was familiar. Very familiar. "Eddie?"

  "The one and only."

  "Where's Jonathan?"

  "Jonathan?" There was a lengthy pause. "Yeah, well. Jonathan."

  She strained her eyes but could make out only one shadow. Eddie's. "Is Jonathan here?"

  "He couldn't make it."

  "You know him?"

  "Yeah. We go way back."

  "Why didn't he come?"

  "I don't want to talk about him."

  "I do. He scared me to death. I thought he was going to do something desperate."

  "Listen Maddie. Jonathan's not the kind of guy you should be hanging around with, okay?"

  "What?" She couldn't believe Eddie was suddenly taking an interest in her. "How dare you! You and I had sex. It doesn't mean you own me. It doesn't mean you can pick my friends. Or my lovers, if I so choose to make him that."

  "You'd be better off if you forgot about him."

  She thought about how Eddie had made no attempt to contact her. She thought about the gorgeous woman walking his dog. "That might be a little difficult." She pulled in a deep breath. "You see, I'm in love with him." It could happen, she told herself.

  "With Jonathan?" Eddie asked, his voice thick with stunned disbelief.

  "Yes."

  Then he laughed. Right in her face, the sound conveying a kind of inexplicable delight.

  At her misery? Her foolishness? "What's so funny about that?"

  "You don't even know him, Maddie."

  "I know him a lot better than I know you."

  "Is that right?"

  "Yes."

  "What about us?"

  "I didn't know there was an us." She elaborated. "There isn't an us."

  He put a hand on her arm. "Maddie, there is an us. You can't stand there and tell me there isn't."

  She dipped away. "Sex. That's all it was. Physical. Something physical. I want more than physical. I want the soul stuff, the melding of the mind stuff."

  "And you don't think I qualify other than being a good lay?"

  It was her turn to laugh.

  "You think that's so funny?"

  "Yes, I do."

  He sounded a little angry, but at the same time she got the distinct feeling he was toying with her, that he was getting some twisted kick out of this.

  "What if Jonathan is some old fart eaten up with syphilis?"

  "He's not old. I can tell by his voice."

  "His voice." His own voice held arrogant disbelief. "You could hear it that clearly? Enough to recognize that voice if you heard it again?"

  "Of course," she lied.

  "Maddie. Come on. Forget about this Jonathan guy. He's a loser."

  "You're wrong."

  "What does he have that I don't have?"

  She didn't even know where to begin. Everything. "He's everything you're not."

  He let out a heavy sigh.

  Was he going to believe her?

  He took her by both arms.

  "Don't touch me. When you touch me, I can't think." She could barely see his silhouette in the predawn.

  He didn't release her. "What if I told you I'm Jonathan?"

  "That's ludicrous."

  "Is it?" He gave her a little impatient shake, enough of an irritant to stop her laughter. "I am Jonathan. I'm the one whose been calling the station."

  "Stop it." He was crazy, just like everybody said. "Let me go." She tried to wrench away, but he hung on tightly.

  "Maddie, it's true."

  "Liar!"

  He began to tell her things only Jonathan knew.

  About her. About her likes and dislikes. Her feelings. Her secrets. Her fears.

  She put her hands to her ears, not wanting to hear anymore. It was like finding out someone had been reading her diary, only worse, because this held more betrayal.

  "Jonathan told you all of that? About me?"

  "You told me. On the phone."

  She clung to what she already knew was a crumbling reality. "He told you. Jonathan."

  "Me," Eddie said softly, a deep, earth-shattering conviction of truth in his voice.

  "No."

  "Yes."

  She didn't know when everything changed, when she suddenly realized he was telling the truth. But suddenly she knew.

  "You son of a bitch," she said slowly, trying to make sense of it all, failing.

  "You son of a bitch." She pounded her fists against his chest. He tried to pull her to him. She hit him again. She shoved at him. He let her go.

  "Has this has all been some kind of joke, some kind of sick game? Even meeting me here? Was it a test to see just how far I'd go?"

  "No."

  Run.

  Run away.

  "All the things I told you." She put a hand to her own chest, her own heart, voice tight. "All the deep, personal things. They came from me. From me! And all the while, you were laughing. Just like you laughed when I told you I was in love with Jonathan."

  "Jesus."

  From a nearby tree came the sound of wings beating against the darkness as a frightened bird flew away.

  A sob escaped her, and at first she tried to smother it. But what did it matter if he knew she was crying? He knew everything else about her.

  She should never have come to Nebraska.

  Who the hell lived in Nebraska?

  The son of a bitch in front of her, that's who.

  She gave him one final shove, almost wishing she was strong enough to push him down.

  She turned.

  She ran.

  Away.

  She couldn't see a thing.

  She didn't give a damn. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered.

  With her body on autopilot, she flew down the stairs. She was doing okay until the last flight. She tripped and did a nosedive, landing in the sand and dirt at the bottom of the tower.

  Eddie must have been right behind her, because suddenly he was there, his hands moving her over, feeling for injuries.

  She shoved at him, slapping him away. "Don't touch me!" She was losing it. She knew she was losing it, but she didn't care. "Don't ever touch me again!"

  She jumped to her feet and scrambled over the loose sand. She jerked open the car door and dove in. She turned the key, then put the car in gear, engine roaring.

  The car flew forward with more life than it had shown in years, Maddie at the wheel, unable to see through the dew-covered windshield, her eyes swimming with tears.

  One moment she was flying blindly down the lane, the next she was slamming into a tree with a jolt and crunch of metal.

  Chapter 28

  Wonder

  Eddie ran.

  Stumbling, not consciously aware of moving, only knowing he needed to get to Maddie.

  Let her be okay, he prayed. Even if she never spoke to him again, let her be okay.

  He jerked open the car door to find her bent over, forehead against the steering wheel.

  “Maddie, are you all right? God, Maddie—"

  She lifted her head.

  Slowly, very, very slowly, she turned her face to his. Beneath the feeble glow of the dome light, he saw that she'd been crying. She was crying. Tears trailed down her cheeks; her nose was red, her lips swollen. But she didn't look hurt. Not physically.

  "I can't believe—" She pulled in a shuddering breath. "I can't believe there's no Jonathan." She rested her forehead back against the steering wheel.

  It was as if she'd just found out someone she cared for very deeply had died.

  Jeez, Maddie. How had things gotten so screwed up?

  He’d hoped she'd be glad to see him, see Eddie. And then, when she’d started talking about Jonathan, Eddie had actually started to hate the guy. Then he’d remembered he was Jonathan.

  He'd never meant to hurt her.

  He reached in and turned the ignition key, killing the engine. Her car wouldn't be going anywhere. He
wouldn't be surprised if it was totaled. "You're going to need a tow truck."

  Then he crouched down beside her, in the open door. "Maddie, I'm Jonathan."

  She shook her head, or rather kind of rolled it back and forth against the steering wheel. "No, you aren't. He was someone you were pretending to be. It was an act."

  "Those things we talked about, that was me. They came from my heart. It was no act."

  "Why did you make up a name?"

  "When you first asked me who I was, I panicked. I didn't know what to say. It just came out. I guess I've been hiding my whole life. And then, later, it was too late to tell the truth. And when I was talking to you, I was Jonathan. For years, I'd tried not to think, tried to shut myself off. Suddenly it was like a part of me I'd denied was back."

  She straightened to stare through the windshield, at the tree trunk in front of her. "You laughed. You laughed when I said I loved him. What kind of guy does that?"

  "I laughed because I couldn't believe my luck. I wasn't laughing at you. Maddie. Sweet, sweet Maddie. I'd never laugh at you. You said you loved Jonathan. I took that to mean that you loved me.”

  He watched her face, could see that she was thinking, trying to sort it all out.

  He didn't want to lose her. Not now. Not after the distance he'd come to find her. "Maybe I can never be the person you want me to be, but don't shut me out. Give this a chance."

  Dawn was coming on, casting the world in a soft glow.

  Love.

  So, this is what love felt like, he thought.

  Like a sunrise.

  "You wanted me to love you?" she asked quietly, her eyes luminous, tears clinging to her eyelashes.

  It was a big risk, letting her see so much of him, but he had to tell her the truth. He owed her the truth. "Yes. Hell yes." His voice reverberated with the fervency of his confession.

  "What about the woman you said you were in love with, the one who left?"

  "It was you. Enid told me you'd gone back to Arizona."

  She slowly shook her head, still in denial. "No."

  "What do you want me to do to prove myself? Get a tattoo with your name on it?"

  She gave it some thought. "Maybe." She'd always taken a perverse pleasure in making him squirm. He loved that about her.

  Then, still not totally convinced, she said, "I saw some glamorous woman walking your dog."

  "Max's wife. She took care of Murphy when I was in rehab."

  "Yeah?"

  "I've loved you for a while now, Maddie. Tonight, when I found out you and Mary were the same person, well, it blew my mind. Don't you see how perfect it is? How damn perfect?"

  She swallowed.

  He waited, unable to breathe.

  And then she nodded.

  "Come on." He touched her lightly on the arm, afraid of her response. "Let's go back up the tower and watch the sunrise. That's why I wanted you to come here. I wanted us to share something spectacular."

  "We've already shared quite a few spectacular moments."

  He laughed, his heart full of hope. "Yeah, but this will be spectacular of a different kind."

  ~0~

  With Eddie's arms around her, Maddie's back to his chest, they watched the sun come up over the town of Chester.

  She turned her head so she could look up at him. He took her breath away. Sometimes she forgot how beautiful he was. Those eyes. Those deep, dark, soulful eyes.

  He loves me.

  "I didn't know Nebraska could be so beautiful," she said.

  He pressed his lips to hers. "It looks better to me today than it ever has in my whole life."

  She reluctantly turned back to the sunrise, feeling deliciously content.

  "Maddie?"

  "Mmm?" This was her bedtime. She was getting sleepy.

  "I'm sorry. About that first time we made love. If I'd known you were a virgin…"

  "It's okay."

  "I would have been gentler. I would have-"

  She turned in his arms, putting a hand against the beard stubble of his jaw. “It's okay."

  He kissed her, sweetly, softly, possibly the way he would have kissed her if it had been her first kiss. "And I'm sorry—" His voice cracked. He swallowed, placing his hand over her abdomen. "About the baby."

  She blinked. "Me, too."

  He wrapped both arms around her.

  "I would have made a good mom."

  "The best."

  They were both quiet as they stood holding each other, just holding each other.

  "How did you know it was me?" she asked, leaning back to look up at him. "On the radio?"

  "Only one person I know would have a cat named Hemingway."

  She smiled and rested her head against his chest, her ear above his beating heart. It was going to take her a while to get used to the idea that Eddie was more than Eddie. "Were you really in a nuthouse?"

  "Rehab Center. I still have panic attacks, but I learned to control them instead of allowing them to control me." She felt a soft pressure on her head, his lips brushing her hair.

  "Fear can be crippling."

  He rocked her. "I wasn't sure I wanted to get better," he said softly, "But I was really just afraid to get better."

  She yawned.

  What incredibly bad timing. She put a hand to her mouth. "Sorry." Here he was, finally spilling his guts, and she was yawning in his face. But he didn't seem to mind.

  "Let's get you to bed." He smiled at her in the dreamiest way. "You're almost asleep on your feet."

  "Whose bed?"

  "I was thinking mine. But if that's not okay—"

  "It's better than okay."

  Together, they walked down the stairs. At the foot of the tower, Eddie pulled out his dirt bike from behind a stand of trees, started it, hopped on, then extended a hand to Maddie.

  "Put your foot right here so you don't burn yourself on the tailpipe."

  She climbed behind him on the bike, wrapping her arms around his waist, her face pressed against his back.

  He patted her hands. "Don't fall asleep," he shouted over his shoulder. "You won't, will you?"

  She shook her head and smiled sleepily.

  When she went without sleep for too long, her mind got weird, and she had thoughts that were sometimes profound, sometimes idiotic.

  As they roared down the highway, into the rising sun, she thought about how strange, how copacetic, it was that his was the body sheltering hers from the blinding sun, the cutting wind, from the world.

  Chapter 29

  Now I Know

  Jason pedaled his bike up the lane to Eddie's house. The batteries in his tape player had run down, so he was singing to himself. Adel always told him he had eyes like a hawk. That musta meant he could see good, because right now he spotted Eddie sitting on the porch. Murphy was there, too. And there was Maddie's new car. Not new. Really it was old, a lot like her other car, but she'd just gotten it.

  Jason liked Eddie.

  He liked Murphy.

  And Maddie was nice to him.

  Not long ago, Eddie had painted his house white. Yellow would have been better, but white was okay.

  Jason slowed until his bike began to wobble; he put one foot out to catch himself, then swung his leg over and lowered the kickstand with the toe of his tennis shoe.

  "Hi, Eddie."

  He lifted his head.

  Eddie was looking at him in a really weird way.

  "Eddie?"

  Eddie blinked. His eyes cleared, but he still looked confused. Worried. "Where'd you hear that song?" Eddie asked.

  Jason couldn't remember what he'd been singing. "What song?"

  Eddie hummed a few notes.

  Wow. When Eddie hummed it sounded good. Almost like a piano or something. The song was familiar. "I can't remember."

  Eddie still had that weird look on his face, and Jason was getting scared.

  Eddie's voice sounded funny, too. "Was it on the radio?" Kind of tight, like it hurt to talk.

&nb
sp; Maddie showed up at the kitchen door, like the weirdness in Eddie's voice had gotten her attention.

  She was at Eddie's all the time. She was living there. Her and her cat, Hemingway. Jason liked Hemingway, but Hemingway didn't like Jason. Hemingway didn't like anybody but Maddie.

  One day Jason had asked them if Maddie and Eddie were married, and they both acted funny. Later, when they were by themselves, Eddie had explained to Jason that he couldn't marry Maddie until he got his shit together. Jason wasn't sure what that meant. He didn't ask. He didn't want to know.

  Maddie stepped outside, the screen door slamming. "Hi, Jason."

  It was weird to see her wearing a sweater, but that was because fall was coming. It was getting cold.

  "Try to remember where you heard the song," Eddie said quietly in a way that told Jason this was serious business.

  Jason thought hard. Sometimes if he thought about something long enough, he remembered.

  He snapped his fingers. "A tape." Then he remembered the rest. Uh-oh.

  "A tape? Where'd you get it?" Eddie got to his feet. "I'm not mad at you," he said. "I just need to know."

  "I found it." Jason shifted from foot to foot. He started picking at the skin on his palm.

  "Where?"

  Jason pointed to the ground not far from where he stood. "There."

  "In front of my house?"

  "It fell out of the package."

  Jason started talking fast, in a hurry to get this over with. "I'm sorry, Eddie. I was going to give it to you. But I played it a bunch of times, and it broke." He sniffled. "I'm sorry, Eddie!"

  "Hey." Eddie put his arm around his shoulders and hugged him. "It's okay."

  He didn't sound mad.

  Jason wiped his nose with the back of his hand, then looked at his friend. "I remember the whole song. All of it."

  Eddie's eyes were dark, sad.

  "Why does the song make everybody sad?" Jason wanted to know.

  "What do you mean?"

  "It makes you sad, and Adel. I was singing it and Adel started to cry. Why did she cry, Eddie?"

  Eddie's eyes suddenly looked real shiny. Wet. Like he was crying, too.

  "I won't sing it anymore if it makes people sad."

  "You can sing it as much as you want," Eddie told him quietly. "It's your song."

  "My song?"

  "I gave it to you."

  "I don't remember."