Lost for You

by BJ Harvey

  “I’m gonna go crash at Shay’s. He’ll be outside if you need him.” He sounds defeated, almost broken.

  Part of me is glad he feels that way. How dare he lie to me for all this time? I’ve let him in, opened my heart and my life to him. I’ve told him all my secrets, let him know about my past, bared my soul to him over and over again, and for what? Because he was being paid to protect me? Protect me from who exactly?

  Obviously that worked out well, considering a stranger tried to kill me a month ago.

  He stands in the doorway with his back to me, then turns his head around, his eyes glassed over.

  “Don’t write me off, sweetheart. Don’t give up on us. Please, don’t decide anything until you hear the full story. When you’re ready to hear it, I’ll be here.”

  “I need time, Brax. I need to get my head around this. You’ve just told me that everything I’ve believed in for the past ten months has been a lie,” I reply, my voice finally cracking.

  He lets out a slow sigh, lifting his head again to look at me with a heart piercing stare, almost enough to make me crack and beg him to stay.

  “I never once lied about loving you, darlin’. Every single touch, every kiss, every time we made love, it was real. You were my everything the moment I walked into that room.”

  I gasp at the sincerity of his words. I fight every ounce of my being to call him back, to tell him I don’t care about any of it as long as he truly loves me. But I stop myself. I need time to digest what he’s just told me.

  “Just give me time, Brax,” I whisper as he walks out of our bedroom.

  I rack my brain, wondering how on earth to deal with this. I have no one except Brax and Shay. They have been the closest thing I’ve had to family in the past four years, and now I don’t know if I can even trust them.

  Pulling myself back down the bed, I lie on my side, curling my body around itself and waiting for the dam to break. As I feel the stinging tears start to fall, I know I’ve cracked. It’s been a long time since I’ve cried; a long time since I’ve let myself feel anything worth crying over.

  And of all the people in the world, I never thought it would be Brax who would break me again.

  My sobs consume me, eventually subsiding into a feeling of dread, a feeling of loss. Do I want to hear what he still says he needs to tell me? Better yet, can I handle what he needs to tell me?

  I close my eyes, breathing deeply like my therapist instructed me. Sleep eventually comes over me in a crashing wave. I cling to the hope that all of my hurt and doubt will wash away. Though, I don’t think it is going to be that easy.

  I’m in the hospital room.

  The room is silent except for the sound of my heart monitor and the constant drip of my IV.

  It’s dark. The green line of my heartbeat is the only thing breaking through the darkness. My eyes open, blurry at first, barely able to make out the outline of a shadow in the doorway.

  My breathing quickens, and soon I’m gasping for air.

  I bring my hands up to shield my eyes, but soon the shadow advances on me, stopping at the end of the bed. I’m wheezing now, barely able to take in enough air to keep breathing.

  The shadow’s arms lift up and point to me. I try screaming, but I can’t make a sound. It’s then I know that he’s come back for me.

  He wants to finish the job he started. He wants me to join my family.

  “Elle,” he says in a quiet, gravelly voice, still enough to cut through the silence.

  “Elle,” he repeats. “It’s our time.” He shrieks, a strange high pitched scream just as an explosion ricochets through me.

  I sit straight up in the bed. Disorientated, it takes me a few minutes to realize that I’m okay. I’m not in the hospital anymore; I’m at home. Reaching around in the bed beside me, I try to find the comfort that I remember isn’t with me tonight.

  I’m drenched in sweat, clammy to the touch and breathing way too fast. It was another nightmare, a dream that felt so real I could have sworn the man was standing right in front of me. I grab my phone off the bedside table. I can’t do this anymore; I need Brax more than I need the truth.

  I stop myself before I connect the call. I can’t have him right now. I can’t call him and ask him to come soothe me after what he told me; after I sent him away.

  Right now, I may not have the willpower to stay away from him, but I have the forethought to know that I can’t just forgive and forget.

  Elle: Shay, Can you come sleep on the couch? I can’t be alone tonight.

  Shay: Sure thing, babe. Open the door in five minutes.

  Elle: Did you know?

  Shay: Yeah, hon.

  Elle: Figures.

  Shay may not be the man I want, but right now he’s the closest thing to security I have. Knowing I’m not alone in the apartment tonight might keep the demons at bay. God help me, it better.

  Shay: Dude, Elle just texted me asking me to go sleep on her couch. Says she can’t be alone.

  Brax: Fuck! I should’ve kept my fucking mouth shut.

  Shay: Bro, it was eating you up inside.

  Brax: Doesn’t help her now, does it?

  Shay: I think you should go to her.

  Brax: She told me to stay away.

  Shay: That was before. She says she can’t be alone right now.

  Brax: I have to wait until she is ready. I don’t want to fuck this up.

  Shay: Okay, I’ll go, but you need to come take over from me outside.

  God, I hope I’m doing the right thing. Elle doesn’t need me sleeping on her couch; she needs Brax, the man who loves her more than life itself. She needs the security that I know only Brax can give her. Maybe sooner, rather than later, she’ll realize that she needs him now more than ever. Dammit, why did he have to be so damn honorable?

  As soon as Brax arrives, I punch him in the stomach, not holding anything back. I’m pissed off at him for doing this, even though I was a major part of it.

  “Ow! What was that for, bro?” he splutters, bending over as he tries to recover from the blow.

  “Why the fuck did you decide to tell her now? Her first fucking night home from the hospital!” I ask, unable to hide my anger.

  “I had to. I couldn’t keep it in any more. She didn’t let me tell her everything, so right now all she knows is that I lied to her and that I was hired to protect her. You need to get her to see me so that I can tell her the rest. She needs to know.”

  “Well right now, it’s me that has to go upstairs and calm your girlfriend down because something has scared the shit out of her” I explain, grabbing my jacket from the back seat before handing the keys over to him.

  “It’ll be a nightmare,” Brax says deadpan.

  “She needs time. If there is one thing I do know, it is that she loves you to death. You two are intrinsically linked. It will sort itself out Brax, I promise.”

  “I hope you’re right. Tell her I love her, please?” he says sadly.

  I sigh. “Will do, man. Now get in the car and keep an eye out.”

  Brax stops in front of the car door. “Oh, yeah. Forgot to tell you. Before all of this happened, she remembered something.”

  “What?” I ask.

  “She saw the blond guy in the black Honda the day she was shot. First at the grocery store, then again outside campus.”

  “Really? I remember seeing a black van driving slowly outside her building that night. I jotted the plate number down, but after the events of that night I never got around to tracing it.” I’ll kick myself if that was the shooter. “I told the police, though.”

  “Do you still have it? I’ll run it through to Leo at HQ and check it out,” he adds, sounding a little better. “If we can sort this out and catch him, she’ll feel a hell of a lot safer than she does right now.”

  “Definitely,” I say in agreement. “Okay, I’m off. Thankfully, you guys have a comfy couch,” I say, walking across the road towards Elle’s building.

  I knock twice on
the door before Elle’s frail frame appears in the doorway.

  “Sorry, Shay. I’ve calmed down now. You don’t have to stay,” she whispers, her voice laced with sadness. Damn Brax and his fucking honorable intentions. I hate seeing her like this.

  “Babe, it’s okay. I’ll sleep on the couch, even if it’s just to give me some peace of mind. Much better than sleeping in my car anyway.”

  She gasps. “What do you mean you’ve been sleeping in your car? You have an apartment.”

  “I’ve been parked outside your building, watching for the best part of ten months Elle. That is what Brax started to tell you about earlier tonight,” I try to explain.

  “You’re in on it too,” she says, sounding irritated now.

  “It’s nothing like that, Elle. First it was a job, then Brax met you and even I couldn’t stop him falling head over heels. It hasn’t been a job to us for a long time. We’ll do anything to keep you safe,” I declare, hoping she’s listening this time.

  “Where is he?” she asks cautiously.

  “He’s parked in my car outside the building. He took over from me after you called.”

  She slowly walks over to the living room window, and her body jolts the moment she sees him.

  I look out the window and see Shay’s red Toyota parked outside the next building down from mine. I lock eyes with Brax and lose myself in his gaze, even from this far away. I can’t seem to tear myself away from the window.

  This is the man I fell in love with. The man I desperately pined for after he left me. The man who has spent the last three weeks at my bedside, holding my hand, stroking my hair out of my face while I slept, helping me do the little things that are now a big effort for me. The man who I thought was the man of my dreams.

  The man who I know is the love of my life.

  Just hours ago we were making love. Connecting on another level, so divine I didn’t want it to stop. He’s the only one I want to touch me with that delectable mouth of his. I crave his touch with unexplained hunger that can never be satisfied. Those moments when we climax together are total and utter bliss, something I’ve never felt with anyone else before.

  How can I go from being in a loved up bubble of pure joy one moment, to having my whole belief system shattered to pieces in the space of a few minutes? Why couldn’t he just tell me the truth from the beginning? What is the threat to my safety that warrants a stranger paying for protection for me?

  So many questions I need answered before I can even contemplate letting him back into my life.

  “Who do you work for, Shay?” I ask without turning around.

  He clears his throat. I can tell he’s not feeling comfortable. “Victor Bertorelli.”

  “Why do I know that name?”

  “He’s a well-known businessman in Atlanta,” he replies. I can tell he is being very careful with what he says.

  “Businessman?”

  “Ah, yeah. Amongst other things you don’t want to know about.”

  “Oh my god. The Bertorelli family?”

  I turn around and look straight at him as he drops his head and nods. “Why the hell would a criminal like him want to protect me?” I ask quietly, trying to fathom what man like that, with family connections like that, would want with me.

  “Because you were being threatened,” he says, sounding uncomfortable.

  I turn back to lock eyes with Brax through the window, almost like I’m scared to look away from him. Even from this distance, I can see the pain written all over his face. This forced separation is hurting him as much as it is hurting me, but I can’t trust myself to talk to him right now without saying something I’ll later regret.

  “Who am I being protected from? The guy who shot me?” I scoff. “That turned out well, didn’t it?”

  “I really think you should be asking Brax these questions, Elle. I may be his partner in this, but he is your boyfriend. You need to talk to him,” he replies, his voice sounding flat.

  I clear my throat, trying to mask the doubt in my voice. “And what does he know that you don’t?”

  “Nothing. We tell each other everything, just like Brax tells you everything.”

  I rock on my heels, my arms wrapping tight around my waist. “Not everything it seems.”

  “Look, I’ll go get him, you guys can talk this out. He’ll tell you everything you want to know. This secret has been tearing him up inside for months” he says. I can hear him get up from the couch and walk behind me.

  “I can’t” I reply shakily, barely holding the tears back.

  I take a last look at Brax before turning around to face Shay.

  “I don’t think I can see him right now,” I spit out before the dam breaks and I start sobbing uncontrollably.

  Shay rushes to my side, pulling me into his chest as I grip his shirt and let the sadness take hold.

  “Shh, Elle. It’ll all be okay. He loves you more than life itself, you know. It tore him apart to leave you the last time, and I know he is hurting just as much as you are right now. As much as it kills him not to be the one to comfort you right now, he does want to explain everything when you are ready.”

  “I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready,” I mumble, my face still buried in his chest.

  “It doesn’t matter how long it takes, hon. I know he’ll wait. He told me a long time ago that his life had no meaning until the moment he saw that photo of you in the file. The minute he met you, I could see the change in him. I knew he was a goner. He has a purpose now, something he hasn’t had for a long time.”

  I pull away and narrow my eyes at him. “And what’s that? Keep me safe because he’s being paid to?”

  “No, Elle. To love and protect you. This isn’t a job anymore.”

  I shake my head, “As much as I want to believe you, he lied to me. That’s always been a deal breaker.”

  “We had to lie to you, Elle. It was too dangerous for you to know.”

  “So, who are you supposedly protecting me from then?”

  “Elle, I-”

  “SHAY!” I scream angrily. “WHO ARE YOU PROTECTING ME FROM?”

  He takes a step back, shocked by my sudden outburst. He grabs the back of his neck with his hand, looking down at the ground like he’s trying to decide what to say.

  “Harry Brimstone,” he says quietly, looking up at me with a frown.

  I gasp and manage to turn around before collapsing on the love seat. I drop my head on my knees and wrap my arms around my head.

  “Go! I don’t want you here,” I say defiantly from my curled up position. I don’t need to ask twice because I hear Shay’s footsteps walk away from me. When I hear the front door close behind him, I lose control of my emotions and burst into tears.

  The tightness in my chest moves up my throat, and I’m too weak to fight the panic attack that starts taking hold of my body.

  What the hell is going on? How has everything come crashing down around me, again?

  I let myself crumble to the floor; let the panic take hold of me. I know it will pass, it always does. And I’ll be alone, again. Alone and numb.

  Elle and I have been staring at each other for a while now. She stares down at me from her front window, her arms wrapped around her chest like she’s trying to protect herself. She’s putting up those walls again, and I’m kicking myself that I caused it. I can see her mouth moving; she’s obviously talking to Shay. She seems calm, but keeps shaking her head. I hope he’s telling her whatever the hell she wants to know.

  I absolutely hate myself for lying to her, for deceiving her during our whole relationship. The secret phone calls, the mock appointments, the excuses about needing to go to the library and meet with professors; every lie has been slowly tearing me up on the inside.

  She had a nightmare tonight because of me, because of what I told her, and now she’s hurting because of me and my web of deceit.

  All of a sudden she disappears from sight and moments later I see Shay storming out of the building towa
rds me.

  “What’s going on?” I ask as I meet him on the sidewalk.

  “She wanted answers. I tried to give them to her, but she’s hurting, man. She’s well and truly broken now, and I hate that we’ve done this to her.” He stares at the ground, shaking his head in disgust.

  “I’m going up there,” I say, rushing past him as I stride towards the building door.

  “Brax?” Shay calls out to me. I look back at him. “Tell her everything, the whole truth. She needs to hear it if she’s ever going to get over this. If you guys are going to get over this.”

  “I’ve been ripped apart. I’m an open fucking book now. She can ask me any damn thing she likes, and I’ll tell her straight.” I’m kicking myself for not staying and explaining myself. “I’m not going to lose her over this.”

  “Go do whatever you have to. Beg, plead, get down on your bloody knees, I don’t fucking care. Just fix this. That girl is broken and is heading for a breakdown. Get up there!” He shouts the last word, spurring me into action.

  I take the stairs two at a time, not able to move quick enough to get back to my girl. I’m nervous as all hell that she’ll turn me away if she’ll even come to the door. My heart is in my throat when I reach the front door. Our front door. I’m warring within myself on how to approach this. Do I go in all guns blazing and make her listen to me? Or do I just let her ask me questions when she is ready?

  Before I have time to even consider what to do, I’m knocking on the door, waiting for Elle to answer. A minute goes by, and I’m still standing outside. It’s only been ten minutes, so there is no way she can be asleep. Shay said she was a mess when he left, so I’m not going to stand here doing nothing when I know she’s inside, needing me. Pulling my keys out of my pocket, I open the door.