Lost for You

by BJ Harvey

  Walking in, I can’t see Elle in the living room, so I slowly make my way through the kitchen, stopping when I find the bedroom door closed. Elle hates sleeping with the door closed; it is something that she is really particular about.

  “Elle?” I call out, hoping she’ll answer me, yell at me, at least give me some indication she is okay.

  “Darlin’?” I inch the bedroom door open to see our bed still unmade. The memory of making love to Elle only a few hours ago in that bed is still so fresh. Her crying out my name as we came together is something that never fails to blow my mind, and something I always remember.

  I hear water running in the bathroom, and my resolve breaks the moment I hear her sobbing from the shower. Screw playing the waiting game!

  Rushing into the bathroom, I see her hugging her legs, sitting on the shower floor, her wet hair clinging to her body as the water runs over her. I stride into the shower room fully clothed, and sit down beside her before lifting her up into my lap and wrapping my arms around her. She barely raises her head before flinging her arms around my neck and crying into my chest.

  In this moment, I feel like I’m the one who has been shot. My heart is aching for her, wishing I could take away all of her pain.

  We sit in the shower for what seems like hours. It feels like time stands still as Elle and I hide away from the big bad world around us. Reaching up, I turn the shower off just as it starts to turn cold. I use one arm to brace myself against the wall and stand up, carrying her out of the shower as she clings to me, not wanting to let go even for a second. Grabbing towels from the towel rail, I wrap one around her shoulders and another around my chest. I walk through the bedroom and into the kitchen, putting her down on the kitchen counter and positioning myself between her legs as I start to dry her.

  Her whole body starts to shake, so I pull her close to me again. Her shoulders are slumped over, and she grabs my shirt, gripping so tight that her knuckles are almost white with strain. Once the shaking subsides, I shift back, placing my fingers under her chin so that her eyes meet mine. Her eyes are red and puffy, like she’s been crying for days.

  I’ve never seen her like this. So low, so broken, so shut down.

  “Baby, let me look after you. We’ll talk about everything tomorrow. I’ll tell you everything you want to know, but tonight I want to get you out of these wet clothes, wrap you up in my arms, and look after you. Will you let me do that, hon? I need you to let me help you.”

  Unable to form words, Elle slowly nods, never once dropping her gaze. I strip her wet tank top off her, wrapping her towel around her chest as I pull her off the counter, carefully placing her feet on the kitchen floor. I yank her shorts down her still wet legs until she’s standing naked and exposed in front of me.

  There is nothing sexual about this moment.

  I take her hand and lead her into our bedroom, walking over to her drawers and pulling out a new top and pajama pants for her. I kneel down in front of her, lifting her feet one at a time as I put her legs into the pants and pull them back up to her waist. Not once has she lifted her head. She appears mesmerized by my every move.

  Leading her over to the bed, I sit down on the edge and pull her into my lap as I hold the tank top in front of her. She puts her arms inside the top, and I pull it the rest of the way down her body, then I grab the towel and start drying her hair. I’m taking my time, wanting her to feel cherished and adored, hoping she’ll see the sincerity in my actions and not just my words. I wrap my arms around her and carry her into our bed.

  “I’ll just be a minute, sweetheart,” I murmur, placing a tender kiss her forehead. I make my way into the bathroom, stripping off my wet clothes and wrapping a towel around my waist. Walking back into the bedroom, I grab a pair of boxers from the closet and put them on before crawling into bed beside her.

  I move my arm around her shoulders and pull her tight into my side. She still hasn’t said a single word since I arrived. I start tracing shapes on her arm as I hold my lips to her forehead. She lays her head on my shoulder, moving one of her legs across mine as her heat cloaks me.

  This is where I’m meant to be.

  Where I hope Elle wants me to stay.

  I open my eyes and see beams of sunlight creeping through the gap in my blinds. I’m in my bed even though I can’t remember how I ended up here. I do remember Shay leaving and Brax finding me on the shower floor.

  He knew exactly what to do with me. He didn’t push me to talk; he just sat on the floor with me, pulled me into his lap, and held me while I cried into his chest. It wasn’t soft tears, either. It was big ugly sobs as everything I’ve held in for the past four years finally broke free. When Shay told me that I needed protection from Harry Brimstone, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

  I’d tried to be strong and asked the first questions that came to mind. Who did they work for? Who was the man they paid to protect me? Then, the big question that had been plaguing me since Brax’s admission last night, who exactly are they supposed to be protecting me from?

  Granted, Uncle Harry and I have had our issues, but I never thought for one moment that he’d want to hurt me. Rolling over onto my back, I look up and stare at the plain white ceiling. That’s when it hit me; I remember Harry threatening me after New Years when I refused to sell the company to him. He was so angry, and in a split second he’d gone from being charming and chatty to snarling abuse at me, saying my father would roll over in his grave.

  After drying me off and dressing me, I didn’t really comprehend what Brax was doing until he crawled into the bed and pulled me into his side, holding me close to his chest until I’d finally found the elusive sleep I’d been seeking all night.

  Where was he now, though? At the very least, I thought he’d still be here when I woke up. The only reason he left last night was because I told him to go. In the heat of the moment, my first instinct was to protect myself. I thought I needed space, but right now all I need is him. When he’s with me, I feel safe and protected. I feel loved. I feel whole.

  With nothing else to do but think, my mind drifts back to Harry. What am I going to do now that I know my father’s best friend and business partner, hell, my godfather wants to hurt me. He’s the CEO of my damn company; definitely not the best place for him to be.

  Then it hits me. I sit bolt upright in bed, the shock of the realization hitting me like a wrecking ball.

  It’s those damn company rules. That is why I’m in danger. Suddenly it makes all the sense in the world. The moment I refused to sell, it left him with only one other option to acquire Brightlight. If something was to happen to me, Harry gets first option to buy my stake. Oh my god!

  I pick up my phone, wracking my brain who to call. If I can’t deal with Brax right now, there is only one other person in the world I can trust.

  “Hello?”

  “Aunt Sylvie, I think I need to see you,” I sob, losing control and crying down the phone when I hear her voice.

  “Elle? What’s wrong, dear?”

  “You were right about Harry. I think I need your help,” I try to explain between sobs.

  She gasps and I can hear sudden movement down the phone.

  “You’re okay right now, though?”

  “I think so. I’m just numb. Everything I thought I knew has been turned on its head in the past twelve hours. Why does this always happen to me?” I whimper.

  “It’s okay, dear. I’m going to check on a few things here, then I’ll be in touch and will come out to see you as soon as I can make the arrangements. But if you need anything, anything at all, you call me, okay?”

  “Thank you,” I stutter before hanging up the phone and lying back down. This is going to be a long couple of days; I can just feel it.

  I left Elle’s place before the sun came up. I wanted to respect her wishes and give her the space she wants. I don’t have a clue where I stand with her, and it has my mind scattered all over the place. Once I was sure that she had calmed do
wn and would be okay, I got out of the bed and left.

  It was the coward’s way out, I knew that, but seeing her so distraught last night, I couldn’t bring myself to stay and wear her down again. I’m still determined to tell her everything, but only when she’s ready to handle it. Finding out that her dead father, who she still idolizes, was involved in shady, back room poker deals with well-known criminals whom he had no business associating with, will tear her apart.

  After making sure her alarm was set, and the building’s front door was locked, I headed back to Shay’s apartment. It’s where Devon is staying and where I knew Shay would go after he’d knocked off from his surveillance for the night. I let myself in and find Devon sound asleep on the pull out couch in Shay’s small living room. Shay is sitting at the breakfast bar in the kitchen, reading the newspaper with a fresh cup of coffee.

  “Yo,” he says without turning around.

  “Hey,” I reply despondently, walking straight for the coffee maker on the counter and pouring myself a cup.

  “How did it go? Not well I take it?” he replies, effectively answering his own question.

  I let out an exasperated sigh. I’m truly at a loss as to what to do now. “She was a mess, dude. I found her curled up on the shower floor, fully clothed.”

  “Shit, bro. I knew she wasn’t handling it, but I didn’t think she’d fall that far.”

  “Neither did I to be honest. She didn’t say a word. Just let me hold her until the water went cold, then I crawled into bed and held her all night.” I’m now seriously reconsidering my decision to leave her alone this morning instead of staying and facing the music.

  “Did you say anything to her?” he asks, looking up at me with a frown.

  “Apart from comforting her so she’d stop freaking out on me, no.”

  He clears his throat, like he’s not sure whether to say what he’s thinking. “You need to be there for her, Brax. When she’s ready to talk, she will. She wasn’t holding back any punches when she was asking me about it last night. She wouldn’t look at me, though. She just kept staring out the window.”

  “That was when she locked eyes with me and neither of us could tear ourselves away” I say solemnly.

  “So where to from here?” he asks, sounding concerned.

  “You and Devon need to head to LA and dig for some dirt on Harry Brimstone. Put pressure on those working underneath him, and find anything the boss can use as leverage. Now that Elle knows what’s going on...well, at least part of it, we need to move quickly before he decides to make another move,” I explain.

  “You think he was behind the shooting?” he asks, not bothering to hide the surprise in his voice.

  “Well, who else would it be? Gibbons pulled me out for a reason, and with all leads pointing to him working with Brimstone, it seems like the only plausible explanation.” I’m thinking out loud again.

  He’s silent for a moment while he contemplates what I just said. “Hmm, well I suppose so, although I don’t think the shooter was a pro. Don’t get me wrong, he’s definitely done it before because he made sure not to leave a single trace at the scene, but something just didn’t seem right about him. He had the sketchiest eyes I’ve ever seen. “

  “I still think it is best that you guys go there. The boss is behind us 100%. He wants to bring Brimstone down now as much as we do. No one fucks with the boss and gets away with it. He wants payback.”

  I hear Devon grunt behind me as he walks past the kitchen into the bathroom wearing nothing but a pair of boxer shorts and a disgruntled look on his face. “Loud fuckers,” he grumbles as he shuts the door behind him.

  Shay and I crack up laughing. Devon has never been a morning person. A few moments later, we hear the toilet flush and Devon walk out. He makes a bee line for the coffee machine, not uttering a single word until he’s had a long first sip.

  “Mornin’,” he says with a grin.

  Damn, it’s good to be with the guys again. As much as I’d prefer to be wrapped up in all things Elle, I know I wouldn’t be able to handle seeing her broken face and eyes full of hurt right now, so I’m happy to just chill with Shay and Devon before they head to LA.

  They’ve got a long drive ahead of them, but it’s the only way to get to LA without being traced. It’s our only chance to bring Brimstone down, and we’re not going to miss it.

  I check my watch, realizing I’ve only got another hour before I need to take over from our backup who is watching Elle for me this morning. He’s a friend of Shay’s that we’ve recruited to help give us 24/7 cover until this whole thing is sorted. This way we can be sure that nothing is going to get by us. We’re going to get the fucker, once and for all.

  I’ve barely been able to function this morning. My heart is heavy, my head hurts, and a familiar shroud of darkness surrounds me.

  This time yesterday I was happy. I’d been released from the hospital, and I’d been looking forward to coming back home with Brax. Now, I have no idea where Brax and I stand, and I’m confused as to why he skipped out on me while I was sleeping.

  Maybe it is for the best right now. They still have to protect me, it’s their job, so it isn’t like he’s ever going to be far away, but damn it if I don’t miss him. My heart is aching in my chest at the thought of him not being here again. I just need some time to get my head around this whole fucked up situation. Deep down, I know that he genuinely cares for me. Hell, he proved that last night by standing by me after seeing me stripped bare, both emotionally and physically. There was no lust in his eyes; they were filled with hurt, regret even. He intuitively knew what I needed from him last night and gave it to me.

  Dammit, I’m going to text him anyway. I know I said I needed time, but he barged in last night, so theoretically I can change my mind, right?

  Elle: Why did you leave before I woke up?

  Brax: I didn’t want to crowd you. Just know that you’re still with me, even though I’m not there with you.

  I put my phone in my pocket. What do I say to that? I take my coffee and sit down on the couch with my pillow on my side, protecting my ribs, and start watching a movie about a male strip club.

  About half-way through the movie, I scoot down onto the pillow and fall asleep. This concentrated breathing thing really wears me out I’ve come to realize.

  I wake up, having dreamed of wandering alone through my family home. There was no blood and no murderer there this time. It was like I’d travelled back in time and was doing a walkthrough. Everything was still in the same place as it had been when I’d left for camp. The piano that my mother used to play while my sister and I sang along with her, the desk where my father would sit with me and help me with my homework. Nothing had changed, but it felt different, almost cold. I woke up feeling unsettled.

  Then it hits me. What if I’ve pushed Brax away for good? Did seeing me so defeated last night really scare him? I start hyperventilating, the lump in my throat rising up as the panic stifles me. Dammit, this can’t happen to me again. I cried enough tears last night to last a freaking lifetime and then some.

  I try to slow my breathing, concentrating on a slow inhale before pausing and doing a slow exhale. It seems to be working. The lump subsides and I feel the tightness in my chest ease. Sitting up on the edge of the couch, and raking my hands through my hair, holding my head down against my knees as I realize I’m in too deep.

  I need Brax in my life. I can’t contemplate a future without him in it. He is the sunlight in my perpetual darkness. I’m determined to fight for him and to hell with the consequences. I’m stronger with Brax by my side than I’ll ever be alone.

  With nothing else to do other than rest, I start reading through some of my textbooks. I’ve been granted medical consideration, but now that I’m recovering, I need to catch up before finals begin in a month.

  My mind starts to wander while I’m in the middle of a chapter about supply and demand. How the hell did Brax keep up with the school work when he wasn’t a real stud
ent? It’s hard enough when you’re a bona fide student, let alone when you’re working close protection too. That’s the definition of taking your job seriously. Why didn’t he just introduce himself to me and explain why he was suddenly thrust into my life?

  I scoff at that thought because, if I’m honest with myself, I would not have let him in if he had come into my life any other way. I would have noticed him, of course, but I wouldn’t have even given him the time of day. But that doesn’t condone what he’s done; he deceived me.

  What I don’t doubt is the depth of his feelings for me. I love him completely, and that is why his deception has hurt me so deeply. I need to get my head on straight before I can see him and talk this through.

  About half an hour later, I receive a call from Luis, our doorman, telling me that there is a delivery at the front desk for me. Wary from recent events, I need to make sure it’s not another unwanted gift.

  “Do you know what it is, Luis?” I ask suspiciously.

  “Yes, ma’am. Mr. James told me what it was when he dropped it off a few moments ago,” he replies straight away.

  “Oh.” I’m definitely surprised at that. “Okay, Luis. I’ll be down in a few minutes. Thanks for letting me know.”

  “No problem, ma’am,” he adds before hanging up.

  After all of the happenings in the past few months, we’d decided it was worthwhile to hire a doorman to watch the building during the day. At night, the doors are locked and require pin code entry. Thankfully, the tenants welcomed the added security.

  Grabbing my keys, I lock my door behind me and make my way down the two flights of stairs to the front desk. As I reach the foyer, I see a single white Peruvian lily lying on the desk, wrapped in black paper with a small envelope stapled to the side.